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MIL is pretty good - nothing like Dad BUT she has her moments.


For years she's stayed with us for 2 night a week. To help with childcare etc. Alas, now daughter is older its not really needed. She was alone for a few months during covid lockdown and got lonely.


So she comes to stay again but its turned into up to 4 nights a week now. She's "OK" but even my wife finds her mother hard to deal with for that long. It is 1/2 days too long to be honest.


We've had many arguments about it but wife doesn't want to upset her mother. I dont get it - she will argue with me but not upset her mother.


I get her mother is on her own but 4 days a week is driving me up the wall!


Wife says she's stuck in the middle. Even suggested I sort it with her mother- I am tempted to have a polite word to be honest....


Any suggestions?

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I think your biggest problem (with MIL and Dad) is that you are afraid of making someone else mad. Yet the people you worry about seem to have no care about how they make you feel in a situation. Stop being afraid of making them mad. Either they will get over it or die mad.
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paulfoel123 Nov 2020
You're not wrong lol.

I think my wife is the same as me with her mother...
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Four nights a week is too long to be barging in on your adult kids and hijacking their life, marriage, etc so imo you need to get some boundaries in place with your MIL.

The fact that your wife doesn't like her around that much but is afraid of upsetting her mother is also telling. Your poor wife, I can so relate to this. And you seem a bit like my husband in that you are willing to be a buffer and even draw boundaries that your wife is struggling with on her own.

I say have the talk with MIL, but also encourage your wife to be more firm too.
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We've had weeks where when shes gone home, wife is calling her mother all sorts. Trouble is next week she'll arrive with a sob story and it'll be back to normal.

I don't know why wife prefers to upset me rather than her mother. She says its because I understand the situation.

I get it she is somewhat stuck in the middle and I'd never want her to hurt her mother I just feel she could take advantage of things a little. Like say "oh I'll get you wednesday this week and take you home friday, I'm busy tuesday".

It might come down to me having to have a word with MIL. I don't want to upset her either and would be ok with her coming 2/3 days a week.
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Yes, it's about having some control as to how your time is spent. If you and your wife prefer Weds-Friday (which I think is very accommodating) then that needs to be communicated to MIL, and respected by MIL.

I like the idea of offering something else, when your turning them down. Like yesterday with my mother, I wanted a day off from seeing her and when she started trying to engage to come over I told her "No, we're laying low this evening but come over tomorrow for food and football".... that worked. Similar to your Weds-Friday suggestion.

Good luck.
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paulfoel123 Nov 2020
Yeh it is. MIL has a hide like a rhino it seems though and I just think wife has got to be blunt with her.

We KNOW shes going to overreact though - seen it before.

But as they say, if you're kind to someone but they dont like something you decide, their reaction is not your problem.
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Your wife gave you permission to be the bad guy. Own it.
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paulfoel123 Nov 2020
lkdrymom - certainly very tempting....
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Its a hard time for everyone - I get that.....

Thing is I've seen this all before with my Dad so I can see it happening. I can see it all blowing up in a bit argument which is sad.
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May be better your the bad guy. But honestly, I would have a big problem trying to find a nice way. Do you pick her up or does she drive over? If you pick her up this is good. Tell her you have plans and that you can't pick her up till a certain day. Or say "Mom your visit will need to only be a couple of days this week" You really don't need an excuse but if asked just say you want time alone with ur wife. Planning on having a date. Or, that Dad has really been a pain this week and you two need time to yourselves.

"MIL has a hide like a rhino" these type of people never see that they are taking advantage. And they get indignant when u point it out. From what I see on the news, England is much stricter than we are with this COVID. I really wonder how your MIL is allowed to come back and forth. I just read a whole street was quarantined because one of the neighbors was found positive in England.
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paulfoel123 Nov 2020
Ha ha Wales not England. Different ;-)

She is allowed in Wales. Bubble since she lives alone.....

Sometimes we pick her up (its 30 mins away), sometimes she gets a lift off her other son.

Its going to come to a head son. Wifes brother has helped and laid down the law a bit to her, pointing out a few things. There is now no doubt she knows - whether she will listen who knows.

But yes I think we need to be blunt with her.
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Can you move? North Scotland? Isle of Man?

I spy *Mother-in-Law Mission Creep*!

That spare room has her name on & it's a short step to "Oh I may as well just live here now".

Counteract with *Retreat* tactics immediately!

Your wife will have to break the expectation first: "Mum we can only have you 2 days this week - insert any old reason". Then wind this back to fortnighly, then monthly.

Wind this back BEFORE her mobility gets worse, BEFORE shower assist is required, before a broken hip!

Paul, I think the talking to you instead of to Mother is a form of triangulation. It's not evil, we probably all do it... but it will be more effective if she talks to her Mother direct.
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paulfoel123 Nov 2020
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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