Sole caretaker needing surgery and feeling guilty. Any advice?

Please take care of yourself and schedule the surgery. Arrange care for your mother, either in assisted living or having caregivers come in. And don’t go into having others providing the care assuming it won’t be good or go well, you and mom both may just find it a good experience. My dad had much needed knee replacement and did very well afterwards, went through physical therapy, and was pain free and recovered. My FIL has stubbornly refused to do it, though he’s been told many times it was needed. He now walks slowly and is slumped over in discomfort. This won’t improve. A healthy mother would want you to do what’s best for you, after all you’re no good to her if you’re not healthy yourself. I’m sorry for the loss of your wife, what a huge life change. I wish you healing and peace

Isnt this the same mother who complained that you neglected her while you took care of your wife while she was dying from cancer?

Your mom is a selfish you know what. Put her in respite. Get your knee surgery and take care of you.

Personally I would leave her in a nursing home permanately.

You do not indicate what caregiving you do for mom.
Your mom can pay for caregivers to come in while you recover from surgery AND while you rehab.
You can place mom in a facility that will be appropriate for the level of care that she needs. (MC if she has dementia or AL if she can manage some things on her own) Mom pays for the time that she is in respite stay. AND she should be there for a while not just your day of surgery, allow yourself rehab time. (If you do rehab in a facility for more intense rehab it is possible that you might be in the same building)
If mom is on Hospice Hospice will cover almost 1 week of respite so you can have surgery and a few days to recover once she is home caregivers should come in to help you out with her.

You have given up your life the past 15 years since you took your parents in! And the stress affected your wife. I am so sorry that the past 15 years weren't different for you (and for her).

What do you think will happen if you don't get the surgery? What happens when you can no longer physically be your mother's 24/7/365 caregiving slave?

Sooner, I'm reading your past posts and your mother sounds like she has been selfish and hurtful toward you and your wife. What kind of mother complains about "feeling neglected" because her son's wife had cancer?

If your mother is 97, you're probably in your 70s? Your mother's needs are only going to increase. You need a long-term plan that does not include being the sole caregiver to your mother.

Schedule the knee surgery. Schedule your mother for a respite stay. Why won't they accept her full-time when they have a spot for her for respite?

In the safety speech before the airplane takes off the flight attendant says to put your oxygen mask on before you help the person in the seat next to yours...

YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER SO THE CAREGIVER CAN TAKE CARE OF THE PATIENT!

Let your mother know the knee replacement is urgent and important. Tell her you have arranged to have her live at an ALF while you're unable to care for her. Remind her she can choose how she will manage it. She could be upset and resentful or she could be going on a mini-vacation. Remind her attitude going in will determine her experience while she's there.

Then let her know what day her vacation will begin!

Absolutely get that surgery ASAP! I have more than one family member who waited too long and now is not a suitable candidate due to other health and heart issues.

Do not let that happen to you! I know more than one person for whom knee surgery was life-changing in a good way.

It may sound cruel but your own health is your number one priority. It’s ok to be selfish to insure your own survival.

My advice is get the surgery done.
You have to take care of yourself in order to care for your love one.
I don't advice respite nursing homes, i had my experience with one for 3 day but if you have someone that recommended one then take it
You will need to hire home care until you are up and running😄😄
The caregiver can also care for you
At first i was hesitant to ask for help or even pay for it
Paying for help alot of family caregivers are reluctant to pay although they can afford with their money. REMEMBER YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU WHEN YOU DIED.
Made your life easier
Good luck n God bless

Check out local Nursing facilities for respite care. They usually work with your timeframe for surgery and recovery.

Don’t forego the surgery: your knee may possibly get worse! Hire help! You need to take care of yourself to be a caretaker; THEN decide what you can handle and stick with it! Easier said than done, but I’ve been thru it - don’t let a breakdown happen!

hire help. You need to have the surgery. If you aren’t whole, you can’t be a caretaker. Wishing you well.

Recovery time from knee replacement is shorter than many orthopedic procedures so your time away will not be long. I have had this surgery in my 60's and was married to an orthopedic surgeon who specialized on joint replacements( I am a nurse).
Have you explored her benefits under Medicare that cover home care? There might be local home healthcare agencies working with Medicare to provide round the clock care.
If your other does not suffer from dementia, explain that you will be sure that her needs are met during the brief period that you are away.. Perhaps you could bring her to the site your friends recommended with you for a visit. Call for an appointment to see if you can get an appointment and/or have one of your friends who used that facility come, too.
Good luck !

you MUST take care of yourself!!!! surely, there are agencies you can touch base with to come to house to help your mother. Is she on medicare or something like that. they will send a nurse to help her.? please do not feel guilty, if you mom has her faculties, she will understand. Ask yourself this question, if you were still a child and had to get that surgery, your mom would insist you get it. So please do it for both of you.

What a very emotionally and physically challenging time for you. However, you will feel much better with a new knew, if you can work out the logistics so your care needs will be handled as well as your mother. Really difficult. These days knee replacement is much refined, less painful and shorter recovery time, but it still is a big deal and appropriate attention to you and your needs is essential. If the logistics can not be worked out, then whatever supportive knee devices are out there, please do get... you are in a very difficult situation, and the knee is not stable and puts you at risk that you do not need. My heart goes out to you. With empathy and mental support. Carla

My first question is how abulatory is your mother? My friends and clients in their 90's have greatly varying abilities. Secondly can mother understand that you need surgery & recovery & PT for many weeks afterwards?
I am awaiting total knee replacements and my Mom has mid-stage dementia. Being the only caregiver available will put Mom in a bind, and force her into a few days at a facility. I can't imagine the retaliation I will receive while caring for both of us. Currently I use a wheelchair and Mom uses a rollator.
Call your local area council on aging, use this free service, her doctor's office and any businesses you can think of to make a plan. Once your surgeon schedules, you should have access to a medical social worker that can help you navigate this dilemma.

I recommend you contact the family and friends around you. Explain your Delma and ask for help. Sometimes people will surprise you.

Good Afternoon,

When it rains, it pours...but there is answer for every problem/dilemma.

What about if after your knee replacement you go to a short-term rehab that also has a nursing home wing? So you can both be in the same facility.

This way here you can recuperate at your pace without worrying if Mom is being care for properly. These things happen in life and people understand as I am sure your mother's primary care physician will assist you with the proper protocols to make sure your mother is safe and you don't have to worry.

You didn't elaborate about your only child I assume needs supervision, not sure what you mean but that would be another piece added to the equation.

If you want to share more, it's up to you, perhaps we can help you and brainstorm this together and we can all share resources with you.

It's hard moving a person at that age but it might just be temporary thing or perhaps it might work out just fine.

You are all in my prayers...

Most communities offer respite stay but minimum is usually a month. Your after care will be covered by Medicare when doctor ordered but that will be weekly visits for your wellness check and PT/OT. Physical therapy. In home care is private pay and will run about $25 to $25 an hour now. I like the idea of respite for both as stated below but again it will be private pay. You could do adult day care which could be a majority of the day. Check with your local Senior Center or Area Agency on Aging. MK

Sounds like a respite stay would be a great idea; don’t feel guilty! You may be surprised to find that she likes it, especially since you have friends who say it’s a good place.

You need to follow medical advice and get the replacement done. I have heard that waiting can make the surgery more difficult. As soon as you can get it done, go for it!

Be careful with the knee surgery sometimes it’s all about losing weight. Find out ur options. Sometimes u can make matters worse

Sounds like you both may need assisted living, do they have any two bedroom units? If you need nursing, there are facilities where you both could stay, but not in the same apartment. Call Visiting Angels or the Care Advisor here.

Put her in respite care , or get an aid in house for her . You need the surgery and need to take care of yourself otherwise you will falter and no one will take care of you . Do you !

This must be a very difficult decision for you to make. You want to give your mom the best care and at the same time, you need to take care of yourself.

I cared for my aging parents but didn't have to make a choice about forgoing a needed surgery of my own.

How much pain are you in? How long would the recovery take? Is your mom agreeable to going into assisted living for a short while? What reviews, if any does the assisted living have? What can you afford? Perhaps there is a caretaker consultant you could speak to. There might also be some homecare options through your or your mom's insurance. These are just some questions that come to mind.

Good luck and God bless.

If you are told you should have a knee replacement, please, please do it. My husband had a partial that because of arthritis proved not at all helpful. Now, my husband is bone on bone with both legs, waited too long for the second surgery, a knee replacement with the other knee. He has been for two years painfully walking/shuffling and is headed for the wheelchair. So, I beg you to do a wide search and try to find any help you can get that allows you the operation with the care your mother needs.

Is your new knee replacement sitting in a sterile box somewhere awaiting Mom's permission? 🤔

Take off your 'Black Hat' & try some other colours!

Blue: The BIG picture.
White: The facts : Estimated surgery recovery time, discharge home after surgery or to inpatient rehab? When will you be able to drive etc
Green: creative / new ideas : who can replace you as Mom's caregiver? A team of paid folk coming & going at home? Mom moves into respite care?
Yellow: think POSITIVE 😇
Red: feelings : it's ok to feel a bit nervous about it all

Maybe just a completely NEW hat...
One of Common Sense.
What IS the common sense thing to do here?

Sooner51: Absolutely do NOT postpone the knee replacement surgery as you need to be a healthy individual before you can help ANYONE. Find a facility that will accept your mother full time.

So sorry to learn of your difficult situation. Your mother requires help at home or be placed into a facility since you require knee surgery, recovery and rehab, so you're unavailable. Discuss with your mother's doctor and a social worker because you cannot be a caregiver while healing and may need a caregiver yourself during your recovery period.

Sooner…I understand how you can be feeling guilty. You are trying to punish yourself because you think that maybe, you are not doing enough for your mom. You have done everything you could for your mom, your mom has lived 97 years of her long life, you yourself are possibly needing help yourself, and now you require a surgery that can shape your life for the better. My advice to you would be: stop feeling guilty. You’ve done all that you could. This is your time and you must take care of yourself first, second, and last. Get that important surgery done for your own benefit and health. You will just require some physical therapy and feel like new in no time. No one can take away how you feel, but act on your health and well being first then later you can deal with whatever comes. Please don’t let your mom manipulate your thoughts. Do you and you alone.
Hope all goes well for you 😊

I totally understand. I was in an accident and ruptured one disk in my neck and two in my lower back. I am doing nerve root blocks (shots) instead of surgery because I could never recover caring for my 93 year old mother with dementia and cannot walk at all. I was told I need surgery, but would require not caring for her for 6 months. I cannot do that. I have knee pain, but nothing like I am sure yours is. She has been with me 26 years and I am almost 66. I promised her that I would never put her in a nursing home because she asked me to never do that. It is so hard. I have had friends get knee replacements and they are so glad that they did it and have recovered well. Pray about it!!! In your situation, I would probably do the surgery if there is a good chance that after rehabilitation the quality of both of your lives will improve. Blessings!!!!!!