Sole caretaker needing surgery and feeling guilty. Any advice?

In the safety speech before the airplane takes off the flight attendant says to put your oxygen mask on before you help the person in the seat next to yours...

YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER SO THE CAREGIVER CAN TAKE CARE OF THE PATIENT!

Let your mother know the knee replacement is urgent and important. Tell her you have arranged to have her live at an ALF while you're unable to care for her. Remind her she can choose how she will manage it. She could be upset and resentful or she could be going on a mini-vacation. Remind her attitude going in will determine her experience while she's there.

Then let her know what day her vacation will begin!

Is your new knee replacement sitting in a sterile box somewhere awaiting Mom's permission? 🤔

Take off your 'Black Hat' & try some other colours!

Blue: The BIG picture.
White: The facts : Estimated surgery recovery time, discharge home after surgery or to inpatient rehab? When will you be able to drive etc
Green: creative / new ideas : who can replace you as Mom's caregiver? A team of paid folk coming & going at home? Mom moves into respite care?
Yellow: think POSITIVE 😇
Red: feelings : it's ok to feel a bit nervous about it all

Maybe just a completely NEW hat...
One of Common Sense.
What IS the common sense thing to do here?

Isnt this the same mother who complained that you neglected her while you took care of your wife while she was dying from cancer?

Your mom is a selfish you know what. Put her in respite. Get your knee surgery and take care of you.

Personally I would leave her in a nursing home permanately.

Sooner, I'm reading your past posts and your mother sounds like she has been selfish and hurtful toward you and your wife. What kind of mother complains about "feeling neglected" because her son's wife had cancer?

If your mother is 97, you're probably in your 70s? Your mother's needs are only going to increase. You need a long-term plan that does not include being the sole caregiver to your mother.

Schedule the knee surgery. Schedule your mother for a respite stay. Why won't they accept her full-time when they have a spot for her for respite?

Absolutely get that surgery ASAP! I have more than one family member who waited too long and now is not a suitable candidate due to other health and heart issues.

Do not let that happen to you! I know more than one person for whom knee surgery was life-changing in a good way.

Sounds like you both may need assisted living, do they have any two bedroom units? If you need nursing, there are facilities where you both could stay, but not in the same apartment. Call Visiting Angels or the Care Advisor here.

Please take care of yourself and schedule the surgery. Arrange care for your mother, either in assisted living or having caregivers come in. And don’t go into having others providing the care assuming it won’t be good or go well, you and mom both may just find it a good experience. My dad had much needed knee replacement and did very well afterwards, went through physical therapy, and was pain free and recovered. My FIL has stubbornly refused to do it, though he’s been told many times it was needed. He now walks slowly and is slumped over in discomfort. This won’t improve. A healthy mother would want you to do what’s best for you, after all you’re no good to her if you’re not healthy yourself. I’m sorry for the loss of your wife, what a huge life change. I wish you healing and peace

Put her in respite care , or get an aid in house for her . You need the surgery and need to take care of yourself otherwise you will falter and no one will take care of you . Do you !

If you are told you should have a knee replacement, please, please do it. My husband had a partial that because of arthritis proved not at all helpful. Now, my husband is bone on bone with both legs, waited too long for the second surgery, a knee replacement with the other knee. He has been for two years painfully walking/shuffling and is headed for the wheelchair. So, I beg you to do a wide search and try to find any help you can get that allows you the operation with the care your mother needs.

Sooner…I understand how you can be feeling guilty. You are trying to punish yourself because you think that maybe, you are not doing enough for your mom. You have done everything you could for your mom, your mom has lived 97 years of her long life, you yourself are possibly needing help yourself, and now you require a surgery that can shape your life for the better. My advice to you would be: stop feeling guilty. You’ve done all that you could. This is your time and you must take care of yourself first, second, and last. Get that important surgery done for your own benefit and health. You will just require some physical therapy and feel like new in no time. No one can take away how you feel, but act on your health and well being first then later you can deal with whatever comes. Please don’t let your mom manipulate your thoughts. Do you and you alone.
Hope all goes well for you 😊