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First let me say that I am fully aware that I have to deal with my parents (mostly mom) in this issue. I am just curious what others out there might do in my situation, or what others in my situation have done.

I've posted about my mean mother before. Right now she is in a good mood (rolling eyes) and our last outing went well. And I am not even taking care of them yet!! (Rolling eyes again)

I mentioned that Mom and Dad live behind me, about a quarter mile. They know when we are gone as we share a driveway. Dad is 82, Mom, 79. Both are in good health. But I know that one day one of them will fall, or something else will happen and my life will change. Btw, I am their only child.

So. My husband and I LOVE to travel. And we especially love to cruise. Well, Mom (who influences Dad) has a fit when we travel. We are so selfish. What if something happens while we are gone? (And now comes the I-have-a-wonderful-memory-and-i-will-never-forget-and-forgive)) "Betty Jean went to Greece when Mother was in the nursing home. I can't believe how selfish she was. I was the responsible one. If Mother had died while she was gone, I just would have buried her and not even told her. She was so bad for going... she never thought about anyone else... blah blah blah."

And it goes on. "You are selfish. You're just like Betty Jean. You've never had responsibilities. Your father is (yelling at this point) 82, Sharon! 82!"

"Mom, is there something wrong with Dad you are not telling me about?"

"No, Sharon! He is 82!!!" I don't know how to capitalize/italicize/bold 82, but at this point, I can just see her veins popping. "He is 82!"

Again, there are no heart problems, cancer issues, strokes, debilitating arthritis, nothing going on where they are disabled. Dad still drives locally, still does his yard work (to get out of the house), still gets around fairly well.

Mom takes no medications for anything, has no issues at all. Basically like Dad, except for her depressing, horrible, narcissistic, hateful personality.

I KNOW we don't need their permission to travel or do whatever we want. But it sure would be nice to hear, "Hey that sounds fun! Have a good time. What? You want us to call BJ (granddaughter) if something happens? Sure, we can do that!"

Not happening. Because when we cruise, we cannot be in communication on sea days. And, buddy, if something happens to Dad, "he will be buried when I get home".

So with all of this crap hanging over my head, I'd love to plan another cruise. Hubby and I found one last night that would be awesome! 12 whole frickin' days!

Side note: I've discussed this with Dad, who is more receptive. And I've explained to him that if anything were to happen to either of them before any trip, obviously, we wouldn't even consider going. But are we just supposed to sit home and wait for something to happen??

What Would You Do?

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Look up Narcissistic personality disorder, call the travel agent, and get on the next plane to somewhere else.

My mom pulled this crap with me when it was time to go to camp, college, or out with friends. So I married a guy 1800 miles away, selfishly had two children, a career, and even went to Germany in the past 19 years.

She kept threatening to do "something" at every turn. She has every condition in the medical manual, especially hypochondria.

The answer to what if something happens while you are away is that you can check her into a nursing home for the duration, but she will have to pay for it.

The answer to what if I die is that you'll throw one heck of a wake and funeral. What kind of keg do you want us to get mom? You can't take these things she says seriously because it's just to control you. Only you can live your life.
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I would arrange for a "friendly" visitor who will check on and take care of whatever needs should arise while you are away.
Your mother is more dependent on you and fearful of something happening than you realize.
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Book the cruise and have fun. If BJ is a responsible adult then go on the cruise and tell her only call you if its life or death. Otherwise, don't check in or worry. Get cruise insurance just in case something happens at the last minute. I love to travel as well and often took my mom on vacations with me. Now I don't know if we could manage that anymore but now I can't leave her overnight so no more girls weekends with friends for now. I am an only child and there are no other relatives that can stay with her so its just me. Be greatful that BJ can handle it and go enjoy yourself while you can. Life is short and you need to live it while you and your husband are still healthy. Trust me, if the positions were reversed, sounds like your mom would go on vacation and leave you under the care of BJ. LOL. Have fun and don't worry. If anything happens, it would have happened whether you were there or not. Twelve days will speed by and you'll be thinking OMG its over already.
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My mother in law has pulled that guilt trip on my sister in law for 20 years, since she was 70. She would ask my sister in law and her husband "what if someone dies when you are gone?" My brother in law's response? "I just hope it isn't me." I find that amusing. Go and have fun.
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Idios amigo, you need a break.
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I am just trying to picture any of the Jewish ladies I know (apart from my cousin, who doesn't count because she caught the kibbutz bug forty years ago and Loves The Land) having it suggested to them that they should live in the country, an hour's drive from the nearest delicatessen and manicurist. Actually live, that is, as opposed to drive through in an air-conditioned SUV.

I think I'll try it, just for a laugh.
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Haven't booked it yet. Been working around the house today, wearing ourselves out.

Someone asked about them moving behind us. We had bought 50+ acres. My dad was the force behind wanting to move out here. Mom was happy living in Hendersonville, an hour away and close to everything. Dad and I have always been close. (Another can of worms: jealousy.) So we sold them five acres and they built a fairly large house. When they first moved out here, it wasn't bad at all.

No, she's not Jewish, lol!!
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Sharonkay, have you made the reservations yet?
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Is your mother Jewish? It's almost comical to read how she tries to manipulate you (but of course is definitely NOT comical when you're on the receiving end). It just sounds so typical of a little old Jewish lady. And this is not meat to be derogatory to Jewish women because I love them to death - just seems to be their personality a lot of times, but they definitely don't have a corner on the market! You need to guard your own psychological well being too and that requires theraputic doses of pleasure sprinkled in as needed. And a cruise certainly sounds like a perfect prescription in your case. Go for it and enjoy!
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You can call a ship, ask for phone number when making reservation. It will cost more, but if an emergency won't matter. I have called my parents when they were on a cruise in Europe, just to check in and to make sure they were ok.
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Time to get on that boat. You are not responsible for their happiness or lack thereof. You are not their entertainment director.
You are there for them most of the time. Even a paid caregiver gets a vacation.
Besides, if something happens to you - who is going to be there for them?
Maybe its a good time to start checking out home health agencies -
If Mom knows there is a standby "in case anything happens" maybe she will release her strangle hold on you.
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Have fun and get out of there for a while!!!!!
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Your mother is AFRAID!!! Yes, she is, but she is also in denial and does not want to say it nicely, for some reason.... Considering that your house is almost attached to theirs, I suspect there was always little controlling issue in family dynamics.
Why would you live with your parents on the back yard? Look back.... what prompted you to stay close to your parents? Did they arrange that house next to theirs? Or was it your desire to stay close even after you branched off....?
I bet your mother has mixed feelings about you leaving. Yes, it could be a pinch of jealousy, insecurity, fear and who knows what else... To make sure YOU feel good about your travels, you need to take few preventive steps: ask friends and family to check on parents, hire caregiver(s) and make sure your helpers can always reach you on the phone or Skype.
And when you have done everything and anything to feel safe, GO AWAY! Travel, visit friends, and do not worry about what your mother says.
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Linda - that should work, as long as your mother's not going to throw herself down the stairs prophylactically…

Enjoy your trip. Turn your phone off!
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I'm getting ready to take a whole 3 day trip alone and Mom will have kittens. My entire family will still be here, including the kid who's a healthcare professional. All I can think of is that movie scene where Bette Davis tells her mother she's in love and leaving the old home. Mama throws herself down the stairs.....Bette doesn't leave. That's why I'm telling Mom about the trip AFTER I get home. I don't want her upset and fuming for the whole weekend.
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someone mentioned don't let a fake emergency stop you from going at the last minute. why even tell them till the day you leave that you are going? Not necessary for them to know ahead of time.
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Litldogtoo,

Is that toto?

Anyway. I think perhaps you've hit one of the nails on the head. It must be that generation. That generation, too, WAS responsible for their parents in their last years, it seems to me. It certainly was for my mom. Her and my dad lived with her parents to help take care of them. And when they moved out and then I came along (I guess to take care of them!) Mom made the weekly trips to Granny's to clean and grocery shop. And then all of the dr's visits. And then all of the weekends she came to stay with us. Along with my uncle, who was schizophrenic. As an adult, I can now see the FOG FOG FOG my mom and my (bad) aunt were put through.

I guess it was what she learned, what she did, and now what she expects.

Too bad she's not one of those who did a 180 and said to herself, "I will never put my child through this." Or perhaps she did, but doesn't know how to do it.

Shaking my head and rolling my eyes. Who knows?

Sharon
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You know, another thought......just thinking to myself...do I expect anyone to make their plans around me? When was the last time anyone gave up something because they were worried I might die........when I stop laughing I will try to answer that...... glad you are booking your cruise!!! enjoy!
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@sodonewith - ha ha...I've told my parents that for the past thirty/forty years...if anyone dies, put them on ice and when we're back, we'll have a service for them. I never put that on my kids, i.e., you have to be here, whatever. It seems this group, i.e., WWII/Korean War era, believes what they watched on the soaps. In my opinion, I was the vehicle through which my children came into this world. We brought our children up to be good citizens, etc., and they are now people, real PEOPLE, not babies anymore, who have their own lives. I don't own them and don't pretend to own them.

Death is part of life. To borrow a phrase from a well known politician, 'what difference does it make' if my kids are there at my bedside when I die? Quite frankly, I don't want anyone to see me at my worse and I'd rather they remember me as being alive, not seeing me die.

Lake of empathy? I don't know. I don't believe I lack empathy. I believe I see things as they are. Sure, I feel bad for people, but do people really want people to feel bad for them? I'd rather people feel good about me, not pity me.
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If there are no health issues, you just travel. Tell them if anything happens, dial 911. Then go. That's it, period. What would she do is you didn't live within the quarter mile?

Worry is fantasy and if she's going to have fantasies, tell her to have good ones.

You nor your husband need the drama your mom seems to want to bring into your life.
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Ya'll have me so fired up!

I might book TWO cruises!! :-O


Sharon
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Don't be surprised if your mom creates a fake emergency right before your cruise to make you stay home.

And just what are you supposed to do in the event of an emergency? Donate a kidney, perform CPR? What? If your dad dies while you're away (highly unlikely) his body can be kept refrigerated until you return.

Just be like Betty Jean and go.
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Go, go and don't listen to one thing they say. They are the ones who are selfish. Mom does this to my brother. I live 800 miles away from her (lucky me).When my daughter got married 5 years ago, mom was 78. She was and is healthy, has no problems, lives on her own. But we were nuts to think she would get on a plane and travel north to her granddaughter's wedding. So my brother went without her. And all she could do was wring her hands and say "well, what about ME". Selfish people are, well, selfish. Have fun, wish I were going!!!!
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Go! Live! And just one thing: be prepared and have a backup plan for a last minute 'emergency' or 'health scare' designed solely to throw a monkey wrench into your travel plans. Plan to go, barring an actual death, not a made-up 'emergency'.
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GO, GO, GO and take us with you! Enjoy your life and hubs while you can. We have been stuck for 4 years and I can tell you it has done nothing but breed resentment and anger that is about to explode! Live your life while you can. Just saw this great meme on the computer
"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to live forever, you just have to live" Says is all, eh?
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Thank You to EVERYONE for your uplifting, positive replies! We will definitely book a cruise. Still have no clue what'll happen here while we are gone, but I'm guessing my daughter will get to call on them on a daily basis. That certainly won't be the highlight of her day, but, oh, well.

Someone asked if I would do this to my children and the answer is NO! It's amazing: my MIL always told us she loved us and to have a great time on our trips. In fact, she was planning on going to the coast with others when she just died in her chair one day. She'd had brain surgery seven years prior on a tumor. Did she subject all of her kids to FOG for seven years? No. She was such the opposite of my mother.

Sigh. I wish my mom were just a bit more like her.

Anyway, off to the cruise sites... :-)
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Juddha if my children ever start hovering around me I'll know how a zebra feels when it spots vultures in the sky… Shoo! Scram! I'm not dead yet!
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My MIL lived in a cottage next to our house till last sept-she fell and was on floor for 12 hrs-she would not wear life alert. We would only go away for max 3 days(for my mom's 90th bday) She is now in NH. when we would go away for a couple days, she would not let friends check on her or answer her phone-Oh Well, her loss. she has always been unhealthy, we thought she would not have lived past 50, and here she is at 91. I travel, but my husband is not keen on it anymore. But, if we decided to go somewhere when she was still living with us, we would not hesitate putting her is respite care or getting someone to stay in our house for the duration. GO enjoy Your life nothing is guaranteed
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FF - tsk! - and whose fault/idea is/was it that your parents are still in their family home instead of in this supportive, sociable community setting, eh? Well, NOT YOURS, I'm guessing.

So, if it feels unfair to you that your horizons are limited because of their choices, there is a case for saying 'on your own heads be it' and simply pleasing yourself. Why should you accept responsibility where your advice has been rejected and your authority is not recognised?
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On a more memorable note, before I started getting so d*mn old before my time, I threw caution to the wind (something I'd never DARE do before) and by cracky I went to New Orleans with two of my college friends...I was 20 years old....and I had the time of my life......it was the first time in my life I did something that my parents didn't really want me to do . I met the only man in this world who I every truly cared about and probably ever will...a fairy tale romance, I lived more in that four days than some people live their entire lives I think....So maybe that was my time...and when I start wishing I had gone and traveled and lived more, at least I remember back to when I threw caution to the wind and did something for me...and it was DIVINE!!!!!! I can almost live a lifetime on those happy memories...(and may have to)
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