So this is grief?...and getting through the holidays.

I too lost my MIL 6 months ago, and my own mother 3 years ago. It has been very difficult.

Grief is like being in the ocean. Waves come unexpectedly, often leaving us crashed upon and gasping for air. Other times, there is an undertow but things are relatively calm. When I am gasping for air, I remind myself that death leaves a heartache no one can heal & Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Praying for you.

Dear Worried,

I'm sorry about the loss of your MIL. Is your husband doing OK?

Don't worry about the holidays right now. Deal with today. Try not to project and worry about what things will be like over a month from now. Take care of what you need to do today. Don't borrow grief from next month.

Maybe you can start a new tradition where everyone comes to your house. The preparation and planning would be good for you. Think it over.

But for now, stay in today. Deal with just today.

I’m sorry for your pain and loss. I think your MIL taught you all those lessons for a reason. None of our relatives who loved us would want us to be paralyzed by grief and dread moving forward. She’d want you to take what you learned from her and use it in your life, your holidays, teaching your children, and pass it on. I still have ongoing pain and the seeming never ending sense of loss from my mom dying, but I focus on what I learned from her, the good things she wanted me to do in life, and teach my children. My children were denied a life with her, it’s my job now to make sure they know her values and lessons. I hope you can see your way forward to honor your beloved MIL by doing what she’d so want for you

There is a little book, "It Hurts to Lose a Special Person" by Amy Ross Mumford, that I have found quite helpful. One thing she said was to
make the first Christmas something completely different so you will
not be expecting the same and so crushed because you cannot make it the same. Like meet somewhere completely different, take a family
trip....just don't try to achieve the impossible. Enjoy who is here and
do what you can do.
Your grief is completely normal as far as I can see. I finally decided to
be thankful for the years we had instead of mourning the ones we
do not get.
I pray for each one to experience the comfort of Jesus.

I feel your pain. I know from experience that losing the family matriarch AND/OR patriarch can be devastating. Your whole perspective on life may change. You may have to/want to take over the role she played in the family. Yes, the firsts are the hardest. You may want to keep everything the same — follow family customs and traditions — openly thanking Grandma for handing them down. Or you may want to do something entirely different and create new customs. I kept everything the same until older children had families of their own and started their own traditions. This is the natural course of things.

There are many good books out there. If reading is not your “thing,” there is a short daily message in a book called Healing After Loss — Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitemore Hickman. I highly recommend it.

I would suggest you get some bereavement counseling. It will help. And, if you are a person of faith, rely on your beliefs for strength and comfort. Where there is prayer, there is hope and where there is hope there is peace. If you are a non-believer, you must rely on your family, friends, professional support or support groups. You will get through this. Give time, time. Good luck.

I can completely relate as I feel the same in many aspects. I was extremely close to my mother having lost my dad at age 10 and my step father last September during minor leg surgery. We moved my mother in with us in January when she came under palliative hospice care but since her condition was not well defined, we were only told that she would decline but had no timeline. She responded well to our home and we truly thought we could care for her enough to get well as she was happier and eating better. We had great plans for the summer and I promised her I would take time off of work then as she always pleaded with me just to sit by her always. There were no signs that her time was near and I said goodnight to her at 4am and we found her unresponsive at 6am. She lived a few more days but slept most of that time as they kept her medicated to help with pain due to not being able to swallow from that point. I am beyond devastated and while I thought we would have great peace having cared for her, it is the opposite as now my wife and I both battle thoughts of what we could have done better. Its like a caregivers curse and complete torture. I even have questioned if I didn't raise her head enough or if I would have slept in the chair next to her like I often did and how she always wanted me to, maybe I could have detected what went wrong in those 2 hours. To further complicate things, I am in conflict now with my older siblings who chose not to be here or help with any funeral arrangements, obituary and clearing out her house etc, all things that were emotionally overwhelming to me without their support. After not being here, my brother who I always respected reached out a few months later just to ask if there was any money left from moms home (had a reverse mortgage) so it is painful to understand why they would not be here but ask about money. So I have lost my beautiful mom and my family so please have some peace that you are all there for each other. My wife breaks down sometimes but says she can't share her feelings with me as she knows I am struggling but says she feels so guilty that at the time, she thought caring for mom was hard and tiring but is now guilt ridden for having those emotions as we are more exhausted now than ever when mom was here due to being emotionally drained from sadness and not able to sleep. We miss her so much and I have three young kids who loved her dearly. The room she stayed in (our office) is now sad to pass by so we no longer really use it. I do fear the holidays but I fear each day still as I've lost the person who sacrificed so much and am not sure how to keep moving forward but my wife says I have to for the kids. I am sorry for this long message but apparently needed to share my empathy for your loss and how I can relate. God bless all of you!

Grief is not a "Step-by-Step" process as some people think.  It is more like "Hop-Scotch" where you jump from one emotion to another emotion in the blink of an eye.  The holidays are extremely difficult after losing a loved one.  For that reason, many Hospice Agencies offer "Grief Counseling Groups" (that anyone can attend at any time) and many support groups such as "Grief Share" offer special "Surviving The Holidays" group counseling sessions.  I would encourage you to contact local Hospice Agencies or hospitals or grief support groups and see if they might be able to help you cope with the upcoming Holidays.

My Dad died on December 26, 2007 and we had not yet celebrated Christmas, nor Dad & Mom's Anniversary on December 27, 2007, nor Mom's Birthday on December 28, 2007.  Instead, we were planning Dad funeral for December 30, 2007.  It was "easy" to get through the holidays that year as we were busy planning a funeral.  But in 2008, the holidays were difficult as Dad was not there to celebrate his and Mom's 60th Wedding Anniversary. 

This year the holidays will once again be difficult as  Mom died on September 17, 2018.  My brother & SIL will be coming to our house (Mom's & mine) for Thanksgiving.  I haven't figured out what we are going to do for Thanksgiving dinner since I am a lousy cook.  For the week of Christmas/Anniversary/Birthday, I hope to go to my nephew's as he & his wife are expecting a baby the first week of January 2019.  Will it be easy?  No.  Will I cry a lot that week? Definitely. 

No matter what advice or suggestions we give; no matter how much we want to; we cannot take away your pain and sorrow due to the loss of your MIL.  Please know that we are here to support you and your family through this difficult Holiday time.  {{{Hugs}}}

I think that you were truly blessed to have had a loving, sweet relationship with your MIL.

MANY of us do not have that--or anything remotely close to it. As much as I wanted to be friends with my MIL, the truth was that she hated me with a grand passion and still does. I cannot be around her, literally. She is so hateful and negative to all of us inlaws. I will not shed a tear when she dies. A huge and ugly burden of her constant negativity & hatred will be gone.

You have been given a wonderful gift, the relationship that all of us want, but not many get.

Focus the holidays on the kids, of course, and let your grief have its time. There will be better days ahead. The initial shock passes, the necessary tasks that must be done after someone dies will take a lot of time and energy. Don't get so enmeshed in the "work" that you lose sight of the holidays and the family that is still here.

Holidays are hard, for me, with "normal" life. The year my daddy died during the holidays was hard. So glad he was out of misery, but so lost and alone. My family carried on like normal, my DH kept trying to get me to get involved in activities with the kids and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Subsequent holidays were not so bad. I had dealt with losing daddy and I don't equate the holidays with sadness.

DO honor your MIL by talking about her life and legacy. Again, what and honor you were given, to have such love in your life. No one can take that away from you. Time will soften the sharp edges of the pain you feel now.

{{Hugs}}

I think the best way forward is to take the example of love that your MIL showed you and pay it forward to those in your own life. Your children, your husband, your extended family will all benefit if you do so. No doubt, you will too. I think that is the best any of us can do when we lose someone who was as gracious as you described your MIL. Sorry for your loss.

I like to spend the holidays as my father would have spent them. Happy...smiling...enjoying what I know he would enjoy...as if he were still here....I am honoring his love for all things...and that's how I choose to remember him on the holidays. Try thinking of all the good things about her, and how she would enjoy the holiday should she be still here.