So so burned out with life...
I have posted my vent about a couple months ago.
My sister and mom used to live together, they traveled together and would three way call me while arguing (those calls drained the heck out of me) My sister has a disabled child and living with mom wasn’t working out so instead of talking about it she kicked mom out and sold her house, moved with no forwarding address and has no contact with us.
Mom lives with me, hubby and two teens now. I hate my life! I wish I can disappear. We share a bedroom wall and I hate that husband and I have to be always paranoid. My mom was a crappy abusive parent. I feel like all those dreadful feelings of coming home to her have come back. I hate coming home knowing I have to face her. also feel horrible that I have so much resentment but she’s bossy and can say mean things. I take her to the stores and doc appointments (lately I haven’t as much she Uber’s or walks) she also loves cocktails and hides in the room day and night. She just turned 69 and doc says she may have a bit of a tremor from Parkinson’s ( this makes me feel bad even talking this way about her) But I’m losing it. I have contacted my jobs EAP to begin therapy but when I called to make an appointment I was on hold for 15 minutes so I gave up.
It kinda feels good writing all this down
I know this post is jumbled with run on sentences but I feel this way.
14 Answers
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It's sad that you're so burned out and dread going to your own home. Sounds like she's a handful and if you don't want her to live with you anymore, then you are going to have to make some tough decisions. And implement them, even tougher.
Low income housing if she is eligible.
Assisted living or Independent living if she can care for herself.
contact Senior Services in your area and see what help is available.
Lots of options.
I couldn’t just kick her out I know I would feel like crap, she’s mom. But she’s always the victim. She has already turned my family against me. I’m a bad daughter and should respect my mother, you know be seen not heard ( like I was a child again) so they all lectured me about how she’s stressing out their mom.
I can barely get off this couch to work let alone sit on the phone for hours trying to help her find a place. I have no motivation for anything.
I take it you have sibs? Then maybe they can take a turn hosting your mom.
That said, I can totally vouch for how caregiving an abusive parent can reopen old wounds and even rekindle PTSD symptoms. It happened to me
and really caught me by surprise, as my father is abusive in a roundabout
way (ie making up crazy stories about being neglected while I'm literally
jogging up and down the hallway getting stuff done) but no name calling
etc like mom.
Let's face it, care giving can be exhausting no matter what. Even a sweet
relatively helpful, yet sickly parent can add a fair bit of pressure. But when
your parent insists on everything to go their way and causes chaos as well
as neglects their health adding to the burden, then you're running ragged.
Add mind games, manipulation, abuse, etc then it's a whole new (crappy)
ball game. With an added history of abuse, you've got stratospheric stress.
Sounds like you've hit burn out and need to consider all your options. Another place for her to live would be at the top of the list I'd think. If your
sibs or other family members are criticizing her care, perhaps they'd like
to volunteer? Otherwise alternative housing for seniors makes sense. I think there are several organizations that can help with your search. Good luck
Try not to give into the junk food, coffee, etc temptation. Makes getting motivated and dealing with crap 10x worse. Easier said than done for sure
been there done that!! :)
My parents abuse alcohol and my father isolates himself and drinks as well. Alcohol seems to be his only pleasure unfortunately.
And I also experience the same feelings of resentment and dread. Having dysfunctional parents living with us throws us back into the role of a child. It's impossible. My parents still remind me to lock the doors and turn off the lights.
And just like you, somehow I still am unable to kick them out.
I'm sorry I don't have any solutions to your challenges. I try very hard to remember this won't last forever just like good times don't last forever - I'm not always successful. :(
As others suggested, maybe how income housing nearby, but I know CA has all sorts of housing challenges and I suspect you have already considered that.
In any case, hang in there. You're doing the best you can.
I hate my life now and I’m so depressed. My hubby and I worked hard to buy our home and it used to be my refuge, not so much anymore. Alcohol is her happiness and she knows she old now too with health issues.
There is tons of housing challenges here I feel like nobody wants to help. I wish sometimes my sister comes back and talks to me maybe we can split her stay but that’s just a dream.
My mom asks where am I going, is that new etc? Like a child . But as of now it’s been silent treatment going on almost two weeks since our fight. I pray for everyone going through this situation that happy days come soon.
You know exactly what I’m saying. PTSD yes! This anger , resentment seriously caught me off guard. I thought now I’m grown in my 40’s I should have forgotten all of this. But there are days I feel like that child that wants to run away. I feel very guilty for even posting here and feeling this way. I have also been eating emotionally.
i have one sister and she is gone no contact. Those people are my cousins ( who text me telling me my mom is stressing out their mom ....my aunt)
my cousins and I used to be close... Now I’m the black sheep like my sister that left us.
luckily for now, my husband is very understanding. But who knows what my future holds maybe I will end up alone like her.
You aren’t happy -and neither is she— or she wouldn’t spend her time drinking alone.
Does she pay rent? Contribute to the household in anyway? Cook a meal? Do the cleaning? Help with homework?
Alcohol and tremors and isolation. You aren’t helping her. If she is on traditional Medicare it will pay for therapy.
My kids love grandma but never see her she’s in the room. In the beginning she gave me a couple hundred dollars but nothing anymore. She sometimes washes our dishes but that’s it.
I am not helping her I know. She gets really mad when I bring up the drinking because I can smell it on her breath. She doesn’t want to see any therapists.
You do not have to feel sorry for someone to the point that you sacrifice yourself just because they have an illness, especially if they are unwilling to try to do what they can for it. (BTW, excess alcohol is NOT the recommended treatment for Parkinson's, and the recommended treatment for alcohol abuse includes counseling and/or Alanon for family and that and/or AA for the individual. That too, is a really, really common problem for elderly folks these days!
My mother is a really stubborn woman. When I’m her age I pray I am more active a lot more happier than her.
Then, call resource centers in your area and try to find a place for your mom to live.
You've got to do something. Even a small action towards making that change will help.
I have a doctors appointment in a couple of weeks I thought about asking her to put me on something. I don’t think I can make it.
I wasn’t ready to share my home and be a caregiver. I told her that she may outlive me. She called me names of course in my house. What kills me is she paid sister 400 dollars a month for decades but here she says she doesn’t have money because shes paying 88. Dollars to storage and I’m married so I have his income as well. Am I wrong for asking for help?