Need smooth move out to Memory Unit AL from my home for Mom--- Advice Please?

I didn't stay the entire time. We set a schedule, a few family members helped. We actually paid the grandchildren that helped. And for the hours family couldn't be there, we hired an agency to sit with her. It's expensive, but it was only 30 days.

@Galo "Ohh my Lord" .. never heard of this before.. but at least you were able to make it thru... Wow... I would not be able to do this.. I have a teenage son and dog and life too demanding outside.. She will have to adjust quickly --I can visit everyday.. I also believe God will help us.. I am a true believer in (Prayer) and before during and after her move.. I will be praying and having all my close christian sisters joining in with me.. He never fails me.. Its me that fails to believe in his eagerness to help.. and then I dont ask.. So.. thats my plan.. trusting him. :-)

When we placed mom in assisted living we lived with her for the first 30 days. They actually required it because she threatened to walk away or burn the place down. But it really helped. She had time to get used to the routine and the people while family was still there.

hvluv2ski, no Mom does not have Medicaid. She has about $1800 a month income which puts her in "no man's land" territory - not enough for assisted living, too much for Medicaid. I am currently in MS which is NOT a place to find a lot of alternatives. Thank you for your advice, though. I will check into all of your suggstions. I appreciate it very much. I am trying really hard to find something to help us out.

@GSW92498 what state do you live in? Does your Mom have medicaid? Contact your states medicaid headquarters.. and ask them about ALZ "Waiver" . I live in VA.. the funds for waivers have been on the Gov's desk for years.. never signed off-- until last month or so.. I found out about it before anyone here locally-- ie. social services , ALZ local chapter dir etc.. I happened to be talking to Medicaid about a related care issue.. and they said hey, did you know? I was like uhh NO. There is also a Medicaid AUX Grant that pays for people that are eligible for Medicaid.. meaning you have to pass the financial qualifications.. assets/income.. etc.. Typically under $1000 or around there income per month.. Different for each State. So.. If you have (Both) 'ALZ Waiver & Medicaid Aux Grant' it will cover the average semi-private ALZ Memory Care Assisted Living bed.. See what you can find out-- tell your state to look at Virginia model-- complain.. and go up to the supervisor level if you have to-- The AUX Grant is applied for on your Local Social Services Dept- level, the ones who take the application for medicaid and for food stamps-- same intake form.. Can be printed off net or picked up-- but if your Mom has Medicaid and SSI from Social Security-- already-- you are way ahead .. now just have to find out if your state has (Grants & Waivers) I hope this helps you or someone.. else looking.. If this is way over your head and scope to even research-- then take my notes and print them and call your local ALZ chapter support line and have them help you... :-) There is help-- when we keep looking, praying and asking... Thanks for your kind words and prayers.. You are a good daughter! :-)

My Mom is living with me, too. I'd love for her to go into a specialized memory care unit but she can't afford it. This sounds like just the thing for her. I know what you mean about how hard it will be for her or for you to leave her there. I recently had to have Mom in a generiatric psych unit r aobut 10 days to get her meds straightened out and some therapy, and when she looked around and saw all of the people who were way worse off, she started to cry. I told her that she wasn't in a nursing home. She thought she was, I could tell. She was very mad at me for the first day, and each day afterwards she asked when she could come home, but it got a little easier every day.

I am happy that you got money to do this. I wish I could have some money dropped on me form somewhere, but I don't see it happening. If it did, I'd do the same thing you are doing. I know the feeling of running constantly, not being ab le to sit for more than a few minutes and being constantly on call. I am so happy for you to get this break and I will pray that everything goes smoothly.

well-- the ALF is stalling the process-- admin is going on vacation beginning Fri for 10 days.. she is at least doing the Home assessment (meet/greet/assess) with the nurse tomorrow-- I feel like she is looking for a reason behavior-wise to refuse her..I just feel it.. Mom has qualified for a combo (ALZ Waiver + Medicaid Aux Grant) which together will cover the facility costs.. But this admin-- seems to act like she is extremely picky.. We shall see how long she stalls-- after her vacation.. then if she refuses mom.. Ill get the specific reasons in writing.. and appeal..
this facility is closest memory unit to my house.. so.. Im gonna fight for it.. @geewiz.. Good Ideas!! @wuvsicecream yes.. thought of the NH with ankle beeper.. I think if the ALF dosent work.. thats the next stop.. I found the one Id like already,. so, Im uptodate on that search at least.. Thanks..

You might consider paying the companion you currently have to spend some time during the initial days to assist your mom with the change. She/he will be a familiar face and may comfort your Mom.

Another thought, can you make the move on a Friday so you will be able to visit Sat and Sun?. My Mom is in an AL for 'memory care' and I see the new folks come in. It's unsettling for the person. The staff told me not to visit for a while, I ignored them. I felt I'd rather deal with a longer transition time than an agitated Mom. Good luck, the time has clearly come for your Mom to have more help, enjoy activities geared to her age group and for you to be able to sleep through a night.

huluva2ski If I may make a suggestion. There are NH's that have "care track" it is not a locked in unit per say. The "escapees" "wanderers" wear a bracelet or anklet device that triggers the elevators and doors not open when they are in close range. I am telling you this because a locked in unit seems too much like jail. My Mom was in one like this 'locked in" and I was comforted that she was safe but I think she has improved in her stress level being around people in the new NH, who suffer from mental and physical disabilities. The people who have no mental issues, actually help my Mom to find her way and they inform me of things I am not there to witness. . Believe me I didn't think this would work for my Mom but it does! Mom actually thinks she works there, she helps people in wheelchairs,she pushes them tells some to sit down if they try get up and shouldn't, if they are a fall risk. . She gets tissues for some who need or just smiles at the other residents and compliments them. When I visit at times and catch her sitting she says "I am on a break, but I got to back to work soon". If I act as if I am concerned about her and say to her "are you Ok need anything" etc. she cops an attitude and says"I'm fine go home and worry about your own problems". LOL One day I was checking her closet....clothes inventory, she says "do I go to your home and go through your closets?" I said "Well no you don't" she says "Well why are you going through my closet?" She feels independent there and I still can't be her boss. My Mom's attitude is rare but she was never a needy woman. You know your Mom so work with the woman you know, our personalities run deep so look deep. It seems like your Mom is afraid to upset you and she trusts you, so maybe you can act as if she will make you happy if she took a vacation in the new resort. Like she's going to have fun, she'll make new friends, etc.
Just a quick story to add it came to my mind as I was writing.
I had to move and did not want her to witness anything, I would pack when she wasn't looking, put boxes in car not in her sight, not say anything about it in her presence. Then one day I walked into her room to find everything in the room wrapped up in a bundle in the blanket on her bed looked like the old hobo thing the way they carry belongings wrapped up and tied (only 20 times larger) with a stick, to carry over the shoulder. I calmly said "MOM , you've been busy?!" she said "yes we are moving right?" I thought Shit.... if I knew she could do all that so quick without breaking a sweat, I would have had her help me instead of trying to hide the move from her, AND I thought...Wow I thought SHE was the clueless one???!!!! LMAO
Oh the memories.....

@ wuvsicecream yes... I agree about the 'reads my facial and mood' If Im quiet and avoiding when I get home from work because Im tired and dont want her hoovering, or 20 questions and non rational comments-- she notices my quiet avoidances..asks me if Im mad at her? You are right, I know she will finally adjust.. to living apart.. Its just that move-in day the initial 'misleading' to get her to go agreeably.. My friend told me be ready to tell alot of fibs... whatever it takes..

hvluv2ski The correction comment is your answer.... If she knows what's going on!!!
She has dementia/alz ....she doesn't know what's going on!!! (well maybe to some point but not truly focused)
All she knows from what you posted is she is lost with out you. She goes to neighbors because she is looking for you or someone to get her to safety, without you she's lost. This is why you are getting her to safety in a place you'll know she will be safe. Once she is there she will adjust after a while. Remember she is reading your feelings through your facial expressions, body language, and that's what you need to remember, she uses expressions as her communication skills, not words. She will forget your words, she will forget how long she's been there, she'll forget there was a change in her surroundings BUT she WILL remember no matter where she is...... that when she looks at you she see's happy, joyful,smiling, glad, or sad, mad, uneasy, upset or fearful.
Example: If you brought a child to the playground for the first time and said "Oh do you want to swing on the swing?" The child has no fear unless they sense fear. If you told the child it will be fun, you like it he'll want to try it. You give off a relaxed, safe, enjoy it's fun, feeling..... How do you think the child would react?
If you started crying because you were thinking....,I can't look, OH no, OH no, it's dangerous you're not going to like it, you might get hurt, and showed these expressions. ....How do you think the child would react?

My Mom couldn't stand to have me tell her what to do. when to eat, get dressed, eat, take pills, etc. because I was her Boss...SHE HATED THAT!!!
BUT.... when I needed her to sign something,
I looked her in the eye and said "do you trust me to take good care of you?"
She looked at me stopped all the BS and said "yes I do"
And she signed... still mad that I'm boss, but deep down she knew she could trust me!!!
She's been in a facility for about 3 years now, still doesn't let anyone be her boss but knows who she can trust and who she can't and runs away from those who give off negative energy!!!
If something really bothers her that the NH is slacking off on she will somehow get her point across. I need to read her signals too.
I hope you understand what I am saying.
I am at the NH a lot and in a room filled with about 50-60 people with all types of Dementia. The room lights up when there's a party and music and balloons and cake. It's quite amazing really but if there's one sour apple during the party, they all get obnoxious.

CORRECTION: (She would "Not" cooperate and walk in to the facility if she knew what was going on)