Smoking in the house. Any advice?

Cp, any progress with getting mom to not smoke in the house?

I was wondering if the patio is enclosed at all or if it could be made into an Arizona room? I saw a tiny room that was obviously meant for smoking and it was really perfect. Half walls on bottom and big windows all around.

I think that sometimes new environments create fear when any dementia is present and maybe mom feels insecure in her new surroundings and that stops her from going out the door.

Just some thoughts. I know smoking is so obnoxious when you don't smoke.

Smoking is an addiction and one that is hard to break. I am an ex-smoker and I know that smokers do not smell their smoke so your mom probably thinks you are just picking on her. I'd say keep trying to get her to smoke outside and use fans and open windows

My mom smoked in her house constantly. No dementia, but she had COPD (that she hid from me) and Congestive Heart Failure and Diabetes. I'd say her thinking was a bit off due to lack of oxygen at times. I hated visiting her, the house smelled so awful.

After she died I was cleaning out her house. I tried to donate the couch to Habitat for Humanity and they picked up the cushions that had been flipped over and said we can't take this couch because these cushions are burnt. Every single couch cushion had a huge burn mark in it and she hid it by flipping the cushions over and covering them in blankets. When I saw that I almost threw up. She could barely get up and move around, she actually had one of those electric scooters IN THE HOUSE and that's how she got from one room to the next. I don't know how she was able to put the fires out and not get burnt seeing as how she could barely move and definitely couldn't move fast.

Just a word of caution of what could happen...

I have not read all the answers, so I don't know if this has been addressed. But I am alarmed that a person with dementia is allowed to be alone and smoking. Talk about a recipe for a house fire. Cigarettes are one of the leading causes of fires in homes with people who do not have any cognitive dysfunction. Your big issue is not the smell – – it is the danger to your mother. I wonder where she left her cigarette this time?

She needs a warmer place to smoke her cigarettes. Might be easier to put up a shed (or convert a shed) with a heater for her use.

She is not going to change. And it was, I am afraid, not reasonable to expect her to. At this point, she isn’t able to make the fair decision. Maybe she would not have without dementia.
However, it’s not safe, either.
You are clearly motivated to help your mom, seemingly thanklessly. I see no easy solution here. You can’t force her to not smoke in the house.
If you threatened to sell the house, do you think she could modify her behaviour? I am guesding, no.
Is there any way to get her into an ALF or memory care facility? That would be my first choice. It would relieve you of the worry and work. If there’s not the money, could you rent the house for an amount to contribute to her living in a facility?
If not, could you designate one room in the house as the smoking room?
Wishing you luck.

Cp31979: Unfortunately, your mother is addicted to nicotine and in order for smoking to be halted after six DECADES of use, it will take professional assistance. Even then, it may fail, all the while knowing that the user of the product has lung disease.

Tough Love.
She either stops smoking (or vaps instead ???) or moves to a facility.
They won't allow her to smoke there either.

In other words, do not put up with this. Yes, its cold outside.
She will argue. No question about that.

I wouldn't put myself and my own health in jeopardy due to her making her own choices. Choices have consequences. She may need to move into her own place,
away from you.

I do wonder though - did you wait until she moved in . . . waited until after you purchased the property ... before making this request of her ... knowing it is a 60 year addiction / habit? Did you have any pre-discussions about it / the rules / your wishes before she moved in?

With dementia, she will only want to do what she wants to do. There is no two ways about this. Even w/o having dementia, it would be a very difficult situation for her - to change (or want to) after sixty years.

You either deal with it (and the consequences of your qualify of life / health) or make other arrangements for her to live elsewhere.

Gena

This sounds very familiar to me, but my mother lover goes outside to smoke her cigarettes thankfully. What if you put a chair by the door and have her blow her cigarette smoke out. I do that for my mom when it's raining outside, that works for her.

You're doing a wonderful thing for your mother in providing her a home.

Your profile says that she has lung disease - I assume from 60 years of chain smoking. And she's still smoking.

If you allow her to continue to smoke, then I think you'll have to just let go of where she smokes. Trying to monitor where she lights up is more than I'd want to deal with.

She's also got dementia and I agree with another post that she could burn the house down or burn herself at the very least.

So. If it were me in your shoes, I would take the matches, lighters and cigs out of the house, never to return. See if her doctor can write a script or recommend something that will help her with her cravings.

Or maybe get her some hard candy or some Nicorette gum to keep her mouth busy and a puzzle to keep her hands and mind busy.

One upside of dementia is that they forget fairly quickly, so maybe without cigs for awhile, she'll forget about them.

Who is buying the cigarettes for her? If it's you, slowly stop buying them. Tell her that the store is running short of supply and could only sell you one pack, etc.

Please do an Internet search for outdoor heating lamps. She will not quit smoking, because she has no reason to quit and lacks the motivation to change her life. If a compromise is not possible, seek out a memory care facility that has a smoking room that is a porch with ventilation and heat. My mother's facility permitted her to smoke, but only in this one area and had to be supervised through glass windows. I was very grateful that they did not create a crisis for my dying mother (dying of lung cancer).

Sedation can also be offered by a Geriatric Psychiatrist.

You said, "Every day we end up in a fight about it." Please stop.

Vaping is still not healthy but eliminates your house reeking of tobacco

I am also an ex-smoker and I appreciate IsThisReallyReal's answer with a list of measures to take, based on the reality that you are dealing with an elderly addicted person who is not motivated to quit, who in addition has a lot of limitations and possible sources of sadness to deal with (often not a situation where someone wants to give up something comforting), and who in addition has dementia, which makes anything like an insight or changed attitude pretty unlikely.

I used everything I knew about and could get my hands on, and it worked. So I wonder if your implementing some of these things might help her change habits or reduce her smoking, even in spite of her total lack of interest in doing so.

--Maybe you can supply her with vape products and ask her to vape if she wants to smoke when you *or anybody else* is in the house and she doesn't want to go outside. Note: it is mostly the *smoke* in smoking that is the killer, not so much the nicotine. That's why patches, gum, or vaping really are a lot better, as a total or even partial solution. They deliver enough of the chemicals in a cigarette to quell the craving and prevent side effects of withdrawal for many people.

--Is there any chance at all that you could engage her in trying out a bunch of different vapes and giving her opinions about them? This occurs to me as a way to shift from the situation where you're looking her to make her stop doing something (not smoke in house) and she has to hold her position of refusing. Ideally - not accompanied by any talk from you about how you feel about smoking -- more like, could you try this?

--And: PLEASE find out what kind of mask would protect you most (not 100% probably) from secondhand smoke, and always wear one in her house, *and* please also supply them for her caretakers -- I know they aren't the focus, but I am thinking of how it is for them to have to go to work in a smoker environment. I recall that a main argument for forbidding smoking in bars and restaurants at least where I live was that staff had to be exposed to the real health danger of second-hand smoke. (If they say they don't care, of course that's their call.)

--I will also throw this in though it's probably irrelevant: in my case, the use of Zyban was a big help. Zyban has been shown in studies for that purpose to be helpful to people re: quitting smoking, as it overcomes a lot of withdrawal symptoms. (It is actually a new use and new name of an antidepressant that's been around for awhile, Welbutrin.)

I would get very depressed if I stopped smoking. Zyban stopped this. I know she is totally unmotivated but -- it is a moderate anti-depressant and might be worth discussing with her doctor. IF she could take it without a bad interaction with something else, I'd look to sell it to her as something to cheer her up/help her feel better, something like that.

Second hand smoke is not the only problem.. She could burn the house down. Hide the matches. It's worth a try. Good luck.

I have found that hiding the cigarettes and rationing worked. One to five per day and would say” that’s all you have until I go to the store”. Dementia often gives the grace to do this because as mean as it might sound, you can say the same thing everyday and they don’t know the difference. They will smoke all that are out in front of them and if they think they only have one or two they will often light up, take a few puffs and then put it out in an effort not to run out. I hope this helps!

Assisted living. Smoking is a deal breaker for me and I understand your frustration.

I hate smoking.
I lived in a house with smokers.
Parents and grand parents all died of smoking related cancers.
HOWEVER
YOU knew mom smoked.
YOU know she has smoked for most of her life.
SHE has dementia. (Unless you can convince her that she quit smoking she won't quit now)
I think you have picked a battle you will not win.
If she has caregivers 24/7 or you are there when they are not and you really want no smoking in the house then instruct the caregivers to bundle her up and take her outside when she wants to smoke. And not just into the garage as that smoke will still enter the house.
If you have to get one of the "tent" like shelters or put up a shed so that she is "comfortable" do so.
Or just tell her no smoking, tell caregivers no smoking, remove her cigarettes and deal with the withdrawal and all that goes with it. It is possible that patches might help but there is a physical aspect to smoking and that is part of the habit.

Or place mom in Memory Care and the staff can take her outdoors when she wishes to smoke.

Your mother is going to continue to smoke in "her" house. If she cannot live alone, you !ay have to choose between full time care takers and facility placement for your mother so that you no longer have to go into her smoky house. When she dies or moves out, you do your nest to sell the property, smoke and all.

Expecting, requesting or demanding that she quit smoking is exasperating you and her, creating more tension and anxiety for you both:. It ain't gonna happen. Expecting her to " go outside" is respectfully not going to happen and, actually her dementia that you mention can interfere with her memory of the request.
So.......others have suggested E- cigarettes, good idea to try.
Story for you:
Some COPD patients addicted to smoking still smoke even with oxygen in the house, medical care in the home direction not to smoke with oxygen. Signs up in the house, " do not smoke, oxygen in use";. they still smoke !!!

I hate smoke from cigarettes. Relatives who smoke and I are challenged by their need to smoke.
Some go outside but, if at their house they can do whatever they want; I avoid being there.

You knew your mother smoked when you moved her in and, you knew your limitations with smoke.

Personally I cannot stand to even be around the E cigarette " smoke" , " vapor" or whatever they puff out...even walking down the street if someone in front of me puffs on it, it bothers me.....
I hate going in homes where people smoke; had to do this for years with my work.....tough tough situation.

You have self care rights.
Your mother has patient rights.
Somehow a compromise will be needed and, when it comes to addictions like smoking , it is not easy !!

Good luck !

She shouldn’t smoke because she could start a fire. If she has dementia she’s a danger to herself and to others. Get rid of the cigarettes. The suggestions others posted to have her use e-cigarettes are good ones.

What can one say smoking is very nasty. Both my father and grandmother died of smoking issues. I could give the ugly stories but what’s the point. All I can say is smoking in any property I own is forbidden because it reduces the value of the property since you can not remove the smell and residue.

I've been hesitant in repling to this question but I keep coming back to it. I'm 70 and my cogs ( short for cognitive abilities) or the loss of them are making themselves known. Let me tell you my story. I started smoking at 15, 55 years ago. I heard a radio personality I admired say he stopped smoking regular cigarettes and started smoking JUUL. I retired from nursing in 2015 and really noticed a smoker cough. Knowing everything about a smoking a cigarette is bad I had to do something. But its the Nicotine I was craving and it doesn't come in a pill. I needed to make a change, more then just brands, so I gave JUUL a try. On May 2, 2017 I stopped regular cigarettes and pick up my new best friend, my JUUL. Have Not regretted one moment. The releaf is there. Its been 5 years. NO FIRE, no smoke (or 2nd hand smoke), no smell, no ash trays. I call it my nicotine delivery device. I look at it this way, from MY point of view. I like the way I feel when I puff and get my dose of nicotine. I'm 70, and the nicotine in my brain (50+ yrs smoking) has saturated it. Without it I get glittery, nervious, up set and a cry baby comes out. I get very mad. Nothing is worse then a mad, pissed off old lady with the nerve and the mouth of a sailor. Bottom line, she old and smoking A Lit cigarette is in incredible dangerous. Can't change the habit, change the delivery system. I stock up JUUL pods like my panty pads. And now they can start delivering to my door again. Not all people who drink look like the drunk on the corner. Not ALL people who "vape" look like lost souls with tats all over and metal piercings pointing out their facial flaws. I smoke my JUUL because I love what it DOES for ME. She needs to do something NOT CONTROLLED BY YOU. No matter how much you love her, her cigarettes are her best friend. Help her enjoy what she has left and JUUL might just be your answer. Give her a kiss from a fellow smoker, being old and getting older is heartbraking enough.

If she smoked indoors for the last 60 years she's not going to take it outside now. She's also not going to quit at her time of life. I think you know this already though. You can't have been serious about her quitting after 60 years or even taking it outside. Please don't take her cigarettes away. I was a smoker since I was around 12 years old. I quit two years ago at almost 50. So I know the anxiety and fear it will cause your mother if you take her cigarettes away. That would be very cruel to take her cigarettes away or stop supplying her.
However, you have a right to live in a smoke-free home. This is not unreasonable. You and your mother cannot live in the same house. Either you will have to move or she will because she is not going to quit smoking unless she is forced to and at her time of life, that would cruel and wrong to force her to.

As others on here have said she’s addicted to nicotine. I smoked a pack a day for over 50 years & tried every FDA approved method to quit even hypnotism twice….nothing worked.

My son took me to a vape store and I found a flavor I liked and that was the only way I was able to finally quit. I hate the smell of smoke and the vapes leave no odor at all & you can adjust the amt of nicotine over time.

From where does she get cigarettes?

Buy her a vape, I easily gave up smoking after 30 years using an ecig, nothing else worked for me. If you do all your mum’s shopping tell her you’re not gonna buy smokes for say a week so she can at least give vaping a try. They don’t smell at all and I can now laugh without coughing as my lungs don’t rattle anymore.

In addition to the many good suggestions here, if mom continues to smoke indoors, in one room only, another helpful item could be an ozone machine; hotels use them to 'detox' rooms that guests have smoked in. You only run the machine when no one is in there, like overnight (theoretically when mom is asleep, not likely to come in for a smoke.) Some studies show 2nd hand smoke is more detrimental than first hand, so do not compromise your own health. And don't forget that cigarette smoke permeates EVERYTHING, is almost impossible to get out of structures, fabrics, etc. Yes, nicotine is addictive and most commercial cigarette brands intentionally jack up that feature with other additives; and it's a 'habit' for 'nervous' folks who 'need to have something to do with their hands'...so, unlikely to have her quit at this stage of life; protect your health. All the best.

I agree with the person I replied to. If mom goes outside to smoke she can get pneumonia. I’ve heard of ppl that happened to along either the smoking. Having that room with the window open if it’s safe to go so or have the humidifier in there. If someone has to clean it put on masks open window while cleaning. See if u can get a counselor that could probably help her. I’m proud of u for helping your mom u r doing the right think just make good decisions whereas everyone is happy.

she sounds so ungrateful i feel sorry for you maybe you could make a little space near a window where she can sit and the smoke can go outside