Smoking in my house, any advice?

If they put money toward the down payment, they may well have the idea that they are co-owners with you. Basically they do not see it as "your house" but as "our house" collectively.  I know this is drastic, but unless I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'd be looking to change my living situation, i.e. move to a less expensive area yourself and insist that they find senior living apartment, etc.  Sounds like a lot of hassle, and it is, but it may be simpler and more workable in the long run.

This is a 100% unmanageable and unfair situation you are now living in. Between the smoke and the hoard, you'll soon find yourself stuffed into a closet as your personal living space continues to shrink! I think you need to get out....some how, some way, for your own health and sanity. Smoking outside isn't the only issue here, really.....its them disrespecting YOU and your health and the agreement they originally made. It's very sad and upsetting what they're doing to you, and I'm sorry you find yourself in the middle of such a nightmare. Let them know that NONE of this is okay, and hopefully you can reach some kind of compromise. But trying to fix a smoker AND a hoarder are two things that are nearly impossible to do. If your mother is smoking with chronic pneumonia and while using oxygen, she's a hopeless case I'm afraid. Let's hope she doesn't blow the house up, huh? :(

Whose name or names is the house in? How is the title recorded?

You parents are only in their 50's, they could potentially live many more years, even with their self destructive habits.

You need to get out of there. Best bet is sell the house, return their downpayment with interest, use your mortgage rate of interest, and move on. There is no good outcome if you continue to live together. Your health will be compromised, the value of the house will be compromised and you will just resent your parents for their bad choices.

Buy a place you can afford, in a community you like and let them fend for themselves. I am in my early 50's and cannot imagine putting my kids through what your parents are doing to you.

Start living your life for yourself, which is what a person in their 30's should be doing.

Yeah, but if you didn't have your parents sharing your house you could've bought somewhere more affordable to start with, couldn't you..?

You've been their caregiver for several years. You're in your early thirties. How old are they? And when did they hoodwink you into agreeing to this household set-up?

If I were you I think I'd be looking for an out. Not so much just over the smoking issue, but over the fact that they don't want to change, they aren't going to change, it is futile imagining that they will change and arguably it is their right not to change. So unless you're happy to carry on sharing as is... where's the exit?

They can retrieve their down payment, you can get back your share, and then you get a one-person dwelling and start again. What they do is their problem.

If you own the house, you can make the decision to sell the house. The equity - the amount of money each party put into the purchase - is redistributed proportionately. The idea is to return to the status quo ante, before you took this step when you didn't know what you know now.

Your parents are returned to the position they were in when they decided to lean on you. The difference will be that now that they won't have you to lean on they will have to think of something else.

You are returned to the position where, although you can't afford to get a share in a house as large and nice as the one you now live in (or a bit of it, anyway), you are no worse off than you would have been without their input.

On the plus side: they will have to rethink their plans as an independent adult couple, which won't do them any harm; and you will escape the cigarette smoke along with the resentment and frustration and thanklessness that are currently making you miserable, and you will have no further obligation towards your parents.

Unless I'm missing something else?

Granted there will be costs to this upheaval, granted it won't go down well with your parents. But what's the alternative? Wouldn't you like to start over, given the chance?

Dear Tired, I keep thinking about you, so please forgive the numerous posts. It seems to me (and to several other responders) that there are two problems here. One is them, one is you. They are greedy, unreasonable, spendthrift, disrespectful hoarders, smokers with three dogs, and you were socialised into accepting that since childhood. Your chances of changing them are slim, so your only (unpalatable) option is to change yourself.

You say ‘Obviously I can’t force them to move’. No, it isn’t obvious. Go to a lawyer. You say ‘How can I find housing option for two people’. You don’t have to - at age 50s it’s their responsibility to house themselves. You say that they are paying only 15% of total running costs including groceries. Put the rent up – their share is two thirds of the total. (The accountant in me says two thirds of the mortgage interest but not of the capital repayments). If that’s too much on a disability pension, they need cheaper housing, not the ‘lifestyle’ choice they have saddled you with. I’m 72, I too have serious scoliosis, my husband has chronic migraine, and no-one makes all these concessions to us. Less pocket money could help curb the smoking and compulsive shopping. The parents don’t get their ‘contribution’ back either – it was a gift, they pushed the sharing for their benefit, and they have not paid their way since then. The interest on it went into the mortgage to provide their lifestyle housing. At most morally, they get back the contribution less the costs of this whole purchase/sale/mortgage fiasco for which they pushed – and less the cost of clearing out their hoarded junk.

It’s clear that even without the smoking problem, you shouldn’t be living in such an expensive place yourself, and you shouldn’t be sharing with your parents. Stop saying ‘yes, but’, and accept that’s what you are aiming for. Then get legal advice about how to make it happen. If you don’t change yourself, you can’t change anything else. It’s tough, but not as tough as facing this situation for another 30 or 40 years.

They aren't going to quit smoking at this point. So I would find some smokeless ashtrays and get the oil burning candles, also a whole house air purifier that has washable filters. These will help your house not smell like a dirty ashtray.

This works so well that my mom, who is an ex smoker thought I didn't smoke in my house. I laughed and said only out of courtesy to you, actually I didn't want to listen to her biotching about the smoke. But it does take care of the smoke and odor.

I think that them risking blowing the house up is a huge problem. I think I would ask them if they even gave a crap about me. Their bad habit risks your health and welfare and that doesn't seem to bother them. Would they prefer to be in a facility? Because quite frankly that is where they will end up if your immune system goes crazy from constant exposure to irritants.

I used to have a sign in my office that said, "Second hand smoke is the result of your habit, excessive urination is the result of mine. I don't mind breathing your second hand smoke if you don't mind me peeing on your head."

Oh btw, I quit smoking 10 years ago and recommend it. I feel so much better. I used e cigs that look like cigarettes and taste like them, none of that vaping flavors business.

Good luck, it is a terrible habit that is hard to break because it truly increases the serotonin in your system.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. They can go outside to smoke. Lots of rentals do not allow smoking. So, if they lived somewhere else they most likely would not be able to smoke.

Nursing homes have areas outside designated for smokers. I guess some assisted living facilities do too. I know when my mom did rehab at the NH I would see the smokers go outside.

You’re dealing with more than a smoking issue though.

Hoarding issue, geeeeez. If you can live separately later on, I’d do it. You deserve better. Best wishes to you and your family.

Smoking has changed so much over the last 100 years. In WWI, ‘give me a lucifer to light my fag’ kept the troops going in the trenches. The ‘Marlborough Man’ when I was a teenager in the 50s was an icon of sophistication. Now it is clear that smoking is a leading cause of cancer and COPD – my sister smoked for 35 years and it is killing her now. It’s also clear that nicotine addiction is one of the hardest to shake. Sympathy for the problem is justified, but blind opposition from your parents is not. There are patches, E-things, whatever, and they can be a permanent crutch rather than just a way to quit.

It might have helped if the rules were clearer when they moved in – or it might have made no difference. You need some rules now, and some penalties (like you leave) if the rules aren’t followed. That might cause some arguments about the finances, but that might be easier to deal with than trying to monitor the smoking.

I think that getting rid of the smoking and its health issues for you, is more important than moral judgements on whether or not smoking is acceptable. If it’s your house, it has to be healthy for you. You won’t win on the ‘moral’ judgements, but you have to win on the health risks.

Look into where to place them, in assisted living. They will not change, so you will need to change your plan.

These let me take of my parents in my home just end up being a mess, time to let go and move forward with your life.

Sending support your way.