Smoking in my house, any advice?

You are miserable. Something has to give. Some people do quit smoking, even cold turkey like my dad did, after years of smoking. Most people simply can’t quit that easily. Especially if it’s a life long habit.

Yes, second hand smoke effects everyone. But it’s much more than smoking that is bothering you. You are burning out. You’re too young for this. Somehow, some way, change your life, even if it means you moving out. Yes, it’s drastic. Either they have to go or you do. I think you have proven that this is not working for any of you. You aren’t compatible.

Trust me I understand. My living arrangement with my mom needed to end too, after a lot of misery. Didn’t start out bad but it surely ended that way.

I sort of feel that you won’t get a fairytale ending either. So for now, just hope for an ending. If the relationship ends up working out, that’s wonderful but that doesn’t always happen. It didn’t for me. We don’t get everything we wish for in life. We can only do so much. You’ve done all you can. Best wishes to you and your family.

This is the 3rd forum subject I have come across over the last few months where the OP not only answers each suggestion but has a difficulty for every solution. Almost every answer is extended, doesn’t necessarily stick to the point, and adds some complication or new twist. 

We have an OP who works full time at a very lucrative job, is the sole caregiver for 2 parents, but has time to sit down read many posts and belt out a reply to each. Uh Huh! Sure.

I'm sorry to see that the original poster has deleted his or her account. But, I hope he or she might consider coming back at a later time to update us. At the very least it will help others going through similar struggles. We learn from each other, for sure.

Original poster, I wish you well!

Yours truly,
SnoopyLove

Spend your money if u must to get rid of the junk in the garage. That is where they will have to smoke. Is there a sibling or friend who can help in this effort?
Consider having a chat with your local fire department. Allow them to check the O2 and counsel about the dangers of smoking and O2.

Sounds like they did you a BIG favor, so.....if you don't like it, MOVE.

I am a smoker, I do smoke in one SMALL room myself with door open to outside no matter the weather and blowing smoke in that direction. I have also used smokeless ashtrays in my smoking area and air filters in the rest of the house. I try to be respectful of others but they should also be respectful of my sad addiction. And trying to make old folks just drop the habit..forget it. Not going to happen so deal with it. No one is going to change just to cater to you, if they are not changing habits for their own health then you are SOL. I can also say that a sheet over the closed door that re enters the house does cut down on any residual smoke entering. Add in a few holms air purifiers and you would never know a smoker lived in my house.

If you have been reduced to a basement, sounds like you are not in their favor. At 30 something I would suggest you quit your whining of why you are probably on disability and go find yourself a trailer or apt. Not sounding like they are needing 24/7 care at all.

Um and no one has pneumonia for a year and half, they would be dead. Move on, or buy some air purifying gadgets. BTW smoke travels UP, not DOWN into a basement, you are exaggerating.

Hate to sound mean here, but you are sounding like a trolling poor poor me whiny baby. No pity vote from me.

Tired, I just wanted to let you know that I think what you have done for your parents is commendable, despite the problems you're experiencing now. You have worked hard and become a successful adult despite serious health issues, been able to afford to buy properties in an expensive area, and obviously are a conscientious, strong and caring person.

I'm sorry that your parents are so difficult. You deserve much better and I hope that you are able to make some positive changes soon.

I just finished a memoir where there was a situation of s diabetic man who had to have his foot amputated. He was a smoker. The doctors pleaded with him to not smoke when they had him in an oxygen tent. This was many years ago. He could not manage to comply with even that. I don't think taking all the cigarettes away is the answer. The addiction is too powerful. Yes they should smoke outside always but if they refuse to do so and have so little regard for your well being than you need to figure out how to not live with them. I know moving and purchasing another place and selling are all very difficult procedures but I don't see that your parents care enough about your issues and desires to change.

I haven’t read the entire thread, so ignore anything based on a horribly inaccurate grasp of the facts.

My impression is that you wouldn’t have the kind of housing you do (and the mortgage rate you do) without their “help” with the down payment. I don’t know where you live (Im guessing it rhymes with “California”), or what the property laws are there, but I would think that they would be seen something more than mere tenants in the eyes of the law. I believe they have equity in the home no matter whose name is on the deed. They have rights of some sort and it sounds as if you may not want to cross them, if only for the karmic price tag, since they sound ornery.

In the long run : Buy them out, find housing that is commensurate with your earning ability, or put up with their smoking until you no longer have to.

In the short run: How reasonable might it be to expect people in their condition to leave the house to smoke? Yes, I know it’s unpleasant and unhealthy but how much life do they have left? Are they likely to make big changes. I’m a little concerned about O2 being in the house if mom is smoking there. I have never heard of anyone doing that. From their perspective, smoking may be the only pleasure they have now. That doesn’t make it right or even rational, but you might try a little sweetness and see if that doesn’t get you any closer to what you want.

Is there some kind of filtration equipment that would help clear the air? They should go in with you for that, especially if it’s a capital improvement.

I’m sorry. As a former smoker who first took up the habit relatively late (dummy that I am), I know it’s not a pleasant habit for the nonsmokers who live with them. Where I live, residents go outside to smoke, but there is a written agreement to that effect. (I can’t wait til pot is legal and I can just open my door for a contact high!😛)

Good luck.

Demanding more money from them really isn’t going to fix your environment (unless there is something that helps clear the air, though I know that smoke just gets into everything no matter what you do). But they (or their insurance) should be paying for the services they need, with you doing for them whatever you feel is in your ability, given your job, other commitments, and all that.

Dear Tired, I keep thinking about you, so please forgive the numerous posts. It seems to me (and to several other responders) that there are two problems here. One is them, one is you. They are greedy, unreasonable, spendthrift, disrespectful hoarders, smokers with three dogs, and you were socialised into accepting that since childhood. Your chances of changing them are slim, so your only (unpalatable) option is to change yourself.

You say ‘Obviously I can’t force them to move’. No, it isn’t obvious. Go to a lawyer. You say ‘How can I find housing option for two people’. You don’t have to - at age 50s it’s their responsibility to house themselves. You say that they are paying only 15% of total running costs including groceries. Put the rent up – their share is two thirds of the total. (The accountant in me says two thirds of the mortgage interest but not of the capital repayments). If that’s too much on a disability pension, they need cheaper housing, not the ‘lifestyle’ choice they have saddled you with. I’m 72, I too have serious scoliosis, my husband has chronic migraine, and no-one makes all these concessions to us. Less pocket money could help curb the smoking and compulsive shopping. The parents don’t get their ‘contribution’ back either – it was a gift, they pushed the sharing for their benefit, and they have not paid their way since then. The interest on it went into the mortgage to provide their lifestyle housing. At most morally, they get back the contribution less the costs of this whole purchase/sale/mortgage fiasco for which they pushed – and less the cost of clearing out their hoarded junk.

It’s clear that even without the smoking problem, you shouldn’t be living in such an expensive place yourself, and you shouldn’t be sharing with your parents. Stop saying ‘yes, but’, and accept that’s what you are aiming for. Then get legal advice about how to make it happen. If you don’t change yourself, you can’t change anything else. It’s tough, but not as tough as facing this situation for another 30 or 40 years.

If your name is on the house..and only yours you can do the .."My House, My Rules"!
Tell them they have 3 options.
1.) Quit smoking
2.) Smoke ONLY outside. Not in the garage, OUTSIDE!
3.) You can help them look for Assisted Living facilities or Memory Care if that is more appropriate.
You are not unreasonable this request if for your health as well as theirs.
Once you have eliminated the smoking in the house you will have to decide what needs to be done to eliminate the odor.
Remove or replace carpet if cleaning does not work.
Repainting the walls
Replacing drapes if cleaning does not remove odors, same with couches, chairs and all other upholstered items.

If you bought this house together, the chances are that the title is in the three names as ‘tenants in common’. That is the usual alternative to joint tenancy. You should be able to force the sale of the house. See a local lawyer and find out your legal options, then present the choices to your parents. Frankly, with behaviour like this in their 50s, it sounds as though a forced sale would be the best thing to do. Sure, a lot of money will have been wasted. Never ever tie up your finances with them again. It is NOT your responsibility to work out what they can do if the sale goes ahead. They house themselves.

PS I've just read more down the thread, and the house is in your own name. It's still the same option - see a lawyer about evicting them and then present them with the choices. While you go along with their line that 'you can't do this to us', you are digging yourself into your own hole. A couple in their 50s can find somewhere to live, hopefully a long way away from you.

Smoking took both of my parents so I have to admit that it is a hot button issue for me. At least my parents never acted the way yours are, they would have never smoked in my house, they still couldn't quit but at least they did it outside when they visited.

If it were me, I would go on an all out WAR on the smoking. Someone is going to be miserable in this situation, why does it have to be you? I would find every ding dangity cigarette in that house and get rid of them. If I caught them smoking in my house, I'd snatch that cigarette out of their hand so fast they wouldn't know what hit them...either that or douse it with a spray bottle full of water. And I would let them know the WAR is on. My way or the highway... Yeah, I know it would be hard but you have got to sell that house, get them their money back and figure out something else. I bet they'd be more willing to move if they couldn't smoke...my mom was darn near on her death bed and all she wanted was more cigarettes. So much so that she caught her couch on fire multiple times. Good luck to you, but seriously, bring on the war!

OK, how about this:

Get rid of all of their cigarettes so they can't smoke. As you describe your parents, they are barely able to move around, so it shouldn't be hard to confiscate and destroy all that you find. (Be sure to look for and destroy any "secret stashes".) Since it's your house, you have every right to do so. And since you say they agreed to certain smoking rules in exchange for living with you which they've now completely ignored to the detriment of your health and everyone's safety, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to declare the house a tobacco-free zone.

And make sure no more cigarettes come into the house. How on earth are they getting them, anyway? A smoking caregiver who comes in? Do they somehow painfully hobble down to the corner store with an oxygen tank in tow? I don't believe it's legal to order cigarettes by mail so I don't think that's it. But, no matter. However they are getting them, put a stop to it. If YOU are buying them for them, stop that right now!

If you own the house, you can make the decision to sell the house. The equity - the amount of money each party put into the purchase - is redistributed proportionately. The idea is to return to the status quo ante, before you took this step when you didn't know what you know now.

Your parents are returned to the position they were in when they decided to lean on you. The difference will be that now that they won't have you to lean on they will have to think of something else.

You are returned to the position where, although you can't afford to get a share in a house as large and nice as the one you now live in (or a bit of it, anyway), you are no worse off than you would have been without their input.

On the plus side: they will have to rethink their plans as an independent adult couple, which won't do them any harm; and you will escape the cigarette smoke along with the resentment and frustration and thanklessness that are currently making you miserable, and you will have no further obligation towards your parents.

Unless I'm missing something else?

Granted there will be costs to this upheaval, granted it won't go down well with your parents. But what's the alternative? Wouldn't you like to start over, given the chance?

I too think evicting them is the way to go. They are your parents and are guilting you. What’s worse is they have no regard for you or care one iota about your health & the fact that you work to support all of them.
You’ve received good advice here. They go or you go. They can get their names on a waiting list and apply for subsidized housing.
You must decide as this situation can go on for decades if you don’t get them out on their own now.
If you can pay back the down payment to them or refinance now while the rates are good and pay them out of the equity of the house. This will give them a good chuck of change to find their own way. If you can’t afford to pay them back you said it was a gift, so it doesn’t need to be repaid but if I had the capital you bet that’s what I would do.
Else you are stuck. They aren’t going to move out without some sort of legal order.
I don’t envy you but enough is enough. It’s your life.
I wish you luck as in your responses I can tell how anguished you are & how you feel there is no way out. Stop living your life on their terms.

The op seems to have a difficulty for every solution.

Tired, you are in a terrible spot and I am so sorry. I have been thinking about your predicament and here are the results of my brainstorming (please ignore and forgive any dumb ideas; just brainstorming here in case anything resonates with you as a possible solution):

Contact the Colorado Springs Area Agency on Aging at (719) 471-2096, Monday through Friday 9AM to 3PM. Check out the website at http://www.ppacg.org/aging/

Look into how you could legally evict them. Talk to a lawyer, find out what the situation is in regard to tenants' rights in your area. Then sell whatever you need to, borrow from a trusted friend or from a bank or take on a second job in order to repay the money they gave you. Send them on their way to do what they will with themselves, as we all must do in this world (I'm assuming they are not demented).

Move out (sleep on a non-smoking friend's couch or find a non-smoking roommate) and rent out the basement to a smoker who is OK with hoarding and pets because the price is right. Alternatively, rent out the basement as an AirBnB for budget-minded smokers. Do this until things reach a crisis point with one or both of your parents and you are then able to get them out of the house and into some sort of care.

Run away. Just leave the situation entirely. Cut your losses and save your health and sanity.

Go into therapy to try to gain insight into the damaging effects of having emotionally abusive or neglectful parents, and how to set boundaries with this sort of parent to protect yourself since THEY won't. Strive to get some clarity as to why on earth you set up this damaging, impossible, no-win situation for yourself. Learn and implement strategies for healing, self-care, self-esteem.

The ONE thing you can't do is control them, make them do this or that, feel this or that, comply with this or that previously agreed upon thing. Surely that is clear by now. You can only control yourself.

Fellow early 30s caregiver here. Sometimes I feel like because I'm still "young" my mom still looks at me and my brother as children. I notice that especially with my younger brother, who my mom still coddles financially to her (and my) detriment. Perhaps their unwillingness to follow your rules could be related to that? Not sure if I have a solution besides being very assertive and making it clear that its YOUR house that YOU invited THEM to.

Good luck! And hugs! It's hard to put your life on hold when it should be just starting up. :(

It is just amazing that they have so little regard for your health. Let alone, smoking when they have life threatening issues themselves, which smoking can make worse.

Are you aware if one or both may have a narcissistic personality disorder?

It is not likely that you will be able to change them.

Maybe someone who smokes could offer you a solution to your health problems.

Can the garage be made into an in-law suite?

I sincerely hope you find a solution, even if what I have posted is not an answer for you.

I think a family sharing a property could be a good idea for some people.

Yeah, but if you didn't have your parents sharing your house you could've bought somewhere more affordable to start with, couldn't you..?

You've been their caregiver for several years. You're in your early thirties. How old are they? And when did they hoodwink you into agreeing to this household set-up?

If I were you I think I'd be looking for an out. Not so much just over the smoking issue, but over the fact that they don't want to change, they aren't going to change, it is futile imagining that they will change and arguably it is their right not to change. So unless you're happy to carry on sharing as is... where's the exit?

They can retrieve their down payment, you can get back your share, and then you get a one-person dwelling and start again. What they do is their problem.

Whose name or names is the house in? How is the title recorded?

You parents are only in their 50's, they could potentially live many more years, even with their self destructive habits.

You need to get out of there. Best bet is sell the house, return their downpayment with interest, use your mortgage rate of interest, and move on. There is no good outcome if you continue to live together. Your health will be compromised, the value of the house will be compromised and you will just resent your parents for their bad choices.

Buy a place you can afford, in a community you like and let them fend for themselves. I am in my early 50's and cannot imagine putting my kids through what your parents are doing to you.

Start living your life for yourself, which is what a person in their 30's should be doing.

Take a careful assessment of your home, with an eye to divide it. By closing off a door, opening a livingroom suite with two attached bedrooms including a bathroom.
Get some help if you are not creative.

Have separate entrances.

Why can’t they go to assisted living? The PACE program in your state pays for AL and the good thing is, ALs in your state that do not take Medicaid DO take Medicaid through Inovage Colorado.

Increase the rent (shared housing expenses, 1/3 for each person), enough so that compulsive shopping, hoarding, and smoking is no longer affordable.
Purchase several room hepa filters, placing two nearby where they smoke.

Keep increasing their share until they can afford to pay their own housing.
It was a mistake to have them invest in the house. It will be you who must move to protect your health if you cannot pay them back.

Get an attorney to disentangle you and your parents financially.
I can understand how you are stuck. I doubt they even think it is your house.

Look into where to place them, in assisted living. They will not change, so you will need to change your plan.

These let me take of my parents in my home just end up being a mess, time to let go and move forward with your life.

Sending support your way.

Smoking has changed so much over the last 100 years. In WWI, ‘give me a lucifer to light my fag’ kept the troops going in the trenches. The ‘Marlborough Man’ when I was a teenager in the 50s was an icon of sophistication. Now it is clear that smoking is a leading cause of cancer and COPD – my sister smoked for 35 years and it is killing her now. It’s also clear that nicotine addiction is one of the hardest to shake. Sympathy for the problem is justified, but blind opposition from your parents is not. There are patches, E-things, whatever, and they can be a permanent crutch rather than just a way to quit.

It might have helped if the rules were clearer when they moved in – or it might have made no difference. You need some rules now, and some penalties (like you leave) if the rules aren’t followed. That might cause some arguments about the finances, but that might be easier to deal with than trying to monitor the smoking.

I think that getting rid of the smoking and its health issues for you, is more important than moral judgements on whether or not smoking is acceptable. If it’s your house, it has to be healthy for you. You won’t win on the ‘moral’ judgements, but you have to win on the health risks.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. They can go outside to smoke. Lots of rentals do not allow smoking. So, if they lived somewhere else they most likely would not be able to smoke.

Nursing homes have areas outside designated for smokers. I guess some assisted living facilities do too. I know when my mom did rehab at the NH I would see the smokers go outside.

You’re dealing with more than a smoking issue though.

Hoarding issue, geeeeez. If you can live separately later on, I’d do it. You deserve better. Best wishes to you and your family.

Follow on:

The average home price here is in the mid 300,000 low is in the 200,000. Studio Apartments start above $1,000.
Most lower income places have a long waiting list. Anything affordable is gone the same day. The previous place I rented took 3 months to find and I had a good budget to work with. It is one of the most in demand areas to live. It use to be affordable but it isn’t so much anymore.

Most don’t accept pets. They have 3 dogs.

I am aware the situation needs to change but what options do I have?

This is a 100% unmanageable and unfair situation you are now living in. Between the smoke and the hoard, you'll soon find yourself stuffed into a closet as your personal living space continues to shrink! I think you need to get out....some how, some way, for your own health and sanity. Smoking outside isn't the only issue here, really.....its them disrespecting YOU and your health and the agreement they originally made. It's very sad and upsetting what they're doing to you, and I'm sorry you find yourself in the middle of such a nightmare. Let them know that NONE of this is okay, and hopefully you can reach some kind of compromise. But trying to fix a smoker AND a hoarder are two things that are nearly impossible to do. If your mother is smoking with chronic pneumonia and while using oxygen, she's a hopeless case I'm afraid. Let's hope she doesn't blow the house up, huh? :(

I'm so sorry, Tired. To be frank, this looks like a set-up that was never going to work unless a miracle occurred and your parents became completely different people.

How old are they? How many years more could you be "putting your life on hold", or in fact actively shortening it due to the effect the smoking has on your health (not to mention all the other stresses you mention)?

Can you get an outside job and find a roommate situation? Non-smoking, of course!