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She had mom sign it.She also told my mom that since she felt I would spend all my half that she would be in charge of doing out a little at a time if she felt I needed it.

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I understand it is a support group. But you wrote two sentences that gave no information to understand the situation.

People aren't mind readers.

Below are two phone messages. Which do you think makes sense and explains the problem?


1) I'm in trouble....click.

2) I'm in trouble because I was driving my car and the tire blew, I am at a gas station at 4th and Main, can you come pick me up, they have to order a tire.

See how that goes? You don't need to write a book, but unless you provide some information, it's impossible to understand the issue.
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I get that you are hurting Irishboy
But that is no reason to verbally attack or judge so harshly.ex ( the do nothing sibling ) you wrote

This is a SUPPORT group

Seems to me we get enough beating up already
When we come here
Lay down your weapons and instead just try to understand even if you don't know all the facts.

Most likely coming from one person's side you never will know all the facts.

We don't have to know
We should just be there , support and let others know we get their pain.
Please anyone on this forum tell me how wrong I am about this.

I really doubt anyone could fight a person stating Support is the name of this game

Correct ?
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I'm very sorry.
I do not believe I'm acting shocked .
First off
I'm obviously new to this site so if I make some posting mistakes cut me some slack.

Also I have been on many support online groups and from what I understand the whole purpose of these forums is to give SUPPORT not attack the poster for mistakes or lack of understanding

I did make my post short
In my experience it seems people do not want to read big long posts from others .
So I tried to explain also tried not making it to long .

Does that make sense ?

All in all
We are supposed to encourage one another not judge another because the poster did not present her message in a certain way .

If people see this they get afraid to post and they may really needing support right now.
So please instead of judging that I acted shocked
Or complaining of the way I posted try being more understanding

Usually support is needed because a person does not know what to do in a situation .
Be kind to others
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Shelly 92, next time try posting what you wrote last as your first post. You were being very vague. You start a thread that gives little information and is almost cryptic and than act shocked that people ask questions.

It's called communication.
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In my opinion a caregiver agreement solves all the Will's equal share...

The monies will be given to the caregiver who chooses to take on the job of caring for your parent..

This money is salary paid for daily 24/7 work.. Parent still pays their own living expenses..
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I will respond to the one who said

The do nothin sibling

Also to the one who said
Shelly has chosen to be vague

You both are way off
First of all my do all sibling only came out to our state to get my mom moved by her because she was in financial trouble and wanted to get my mom in a vulnerable lonely place so she could black mail her into giving her money now to keep her four homes

She turned on me simply because I chose not to be stupid
I always had great instincts about things and when I confronted her with the truth she got mad that I knew the truth
She has not moved in to take care of my mom
My mom is living on her own in her own home that my sister went and found and had my mom buy
My sister also wanted my mom to put her new house in my sisters kids name so ( government won't get house if she goes into care)
Long before she moved my mom and my mom is not even sick nor was she 15 years ago when my sister started planning this .
She found out how many years a person could have a home in their name before medical would pay for a nursing home
You need to understand I am not being vague it's just so complicated I did not want to bore you with details
My sister is a sneaky little witch and started planning my moms death twenty years ago.
Once she got my mom moved to her state she told me I'm not part of the family so I should just live my life and leave them alone

There are so many evil things that went on with this that if I had time to explain it all you would never make a comment such as m
" the do nothing sibling"
Since she pulled her out of state there is not much care I could give
Ten years before she took my mom to her state she never came one time to see her

As far as hands on care there has not been any

Only my sister setting things up so she's in full control

Bring in control of my dads money when he passed was not enough and age has informed me that I don't belong or fit in with the family

That's just one small thing she has done
She's also told many lies about me to make my mom turn on me


What I feel is that a mother should never be able to be talked into turning her back on one sibling
If the mother loves both the kids then she should act it instead of teaming up with one daughter against the other

I would never do that to my kids and it's impossible for me to understand any mother that wot is allow her one child to turn her against the other one
As for me being the do nothing sibling

It was me who made sure my mom was taken care of for holidays and fixing things in her house when she lived closer
My sister has only been involved got three years and has not had any need to do any hands in at all
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Sunflower, thanks for the explanation and help in putting your situation into perspective. When I read your earlier post, I had the same impression as IrishBoy, i.e., that you were not active in daily caregiving.

I do think you're to be commended for not using it as a (i.e., "I did everything...cooked, cleaned, provided personal hygiene attention, waited on him hand and foot, never had a moment to myself"...on and on and on as some posters do, playing the "pity me" pity card) but that respectful and professional omission lead me to believe that your participation was primarily financial.

I appreciate your taking the time to correct that misconception.
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To the rest of you who responded to irishboy about my comments, I was simply responding to the financial side of the question. I cared for my dad everyday. Only when he became bedridden, did I need to have a caregiver come in and help me with the lifting and bathing. I wasn't about to "blow my own horn" about the everyday care I gave Dad, because I did it because he was such a good father and always took such good care of me and the rest of the family. The spreadsheets I sent my brother and sister were about the costs of his medicine, personal items, caregiver costs, etc. It doesn't mean I wasn't there for him each and everyday.
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Ok. Cared for not loved. 👍🏻 I think they still care. Sorry to upset you. I'll blame it on stress
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That's not what I said, stop the dramatics. What I said was it's not the same as doing hands on caregiving, because it isn't.

I didn't say anything about not being loved...sigh. Many times it isn't possible to keep someone at home and a facility is the only option.

I was referring(try reading) to that poster that they had no problem with their siblings splitting things 3 ways evenly was due to the fact that one of them wasn't doing hands on caregiving without help of the other two, Which often requires the sole caregiver to give up their job.

Again, try reading.

It's very easy to split things 3 ways evenly when mom or dad is an facility, somewhat different when one sibling gives up their job, moves in with a parent, or the parent moves in with them, does all the hard work, is on call 24/7, while the other sibling who does NOTHING, but magically now has time once the parent is gone and now thinks everything should be 50/50.

Kind of like of going out to a restaurant, you get iced tea and burger, others get drinks, appetizer, and steaks, bill arrives and you hear "Let's just split it"....LOL.
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How rude! Just because someone goes in a care facility doesn't mean they weren't loved! You don't know the situation that lead to this decision Irish person. That's just a mean thing to say
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I hear ya Garden Artist. My charming brother who came down to "help" he said for a week when being told dad had back to back doctor's appts(within the same facility) said "well I didn't come here to go to Dr. appts"...so much for help.

My dad had a "chat" with him and he went, I let him push the wheelchair, dad was on oxygen(sounds like you know that drill) so that required carrying an extra temporary tank. Do nothing got to see a very brief reality of our world.

I have to say I enjoyed it.....LOL. He saw what my total existence was, never once said "thanks for taking care of mom and dad".

I'm always suspect when I see someone on the complaining end of the parent's will, there is usually a good reason for this.
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Well said, Irishboy!

There's nothing like the experience of providing transportation for repeated doctor visits, but the real experience is dealing with emergencies I winter that develop during the day and need to be addressed in an ER STAT.

Then the caregiver in a northern state has the pleasure of driving to the ER, waiting hours for tests and evaluation, and either( a) bringing home the parent in single digit or sub-zero wind chills, or (b) leaving an hour or two later after admission to the hospital, driving home in the early hours of the morning and hoping that the car doesn't break down for any reason.

The treat is amplified on arriving home, unloaded the car of the parent's clothes, personal items, oxygen equipment and more, all the while either being snowed upon or beaten up by a strong prevailing wind.

It's an experience that every one of the siblings in a family should have.
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Sunflower, doesn't sound like you or your siblings cared for your father.

Sounds like he was placed somewhere. You would feel differently if you quit your job, did all the caregiving for your dad, and your siblings did nothing or barely helped even when you asked. Doing a spreadsheet isn't doing "hands on" caregiving.

Get back to us when one sibling puts their life on hold, which can include moving quite a distance, giving up their job to care for a parent.

Decent siblings should recognize that the adult child who did all that should get a larger percentage, not only because they did the caregiving, but they lost income and their SS will be less by not working.

Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way, the do nothing sibling manages to show up(now they have time now that the parent is gone and the work is over) and think the deserve just as much as their sibling who took care of the parent.

The OP is very vague, and never came back, but I suspect it's a case of her sister is carrying the full load.

Sorry, the adult child who carried that full load should get more. In most cases they're going to need it to live on especially if the caregiving removed them from the work force for several years. If you're 58 and spend the last say 7 years as a caregiver, you would be hard pressed to find something in this still shaky economy.
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Regarding wills and siblings, I was very lucky. My brother, sister and I went with my dad to an attorney before he became too disabled from Alzheimer and got the will written. My brother & sister asked that I be named power of attorney, because they believed that I would spend the most time looking after him.Every month I sent them a spreadsheet of expenses & balances so they knew exactly what was going on. When dad died, I took all that was remaining and divided it equally 3 ways. We were more interested in using Dad's money to care for him rather than being concerned about what was left for us. We were very grateful that he planned so well for the future. Even after he died, we each received a tidy sum, but if he had needed it all, it would have been fine with us. We are probably one of the few families who had no issues over money or anything else.
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I recently had a living trust drawn up and though I am quite confused still, from what I understand is that simply writing a will, even with a lawyer can create a legal mess with probate etc. I have four kids and though It probably won't be an issue when Im gone as far as what will be left for them to divide as I'm not rolling in bucks by any means but I do have a house and possibly some funds. Anyway, I just changed my trust the other day because though all four of my kids are great people, my youngest got for involved with an older, useless junky heroin addict when she was an immature 21 yrs old. It's my opinion that there are two types of addicts, good people who get caught up in addiction and useless thieves who would be wasters without the addiction. She is practically a pathological caregiver and can't bring herself to leave him since now he is sick. But last year I set things up so that her older siblings would manage her portion of any money when I'm gone. (One works with homeless and addictions). I do trust them and they really care about her to do right by her.

But then I got to thinking that the last thing I wanted to do was create a permanent riff between them, and just try to stay hopeful that she will mature by the time I am gone, and if not - well, so be it.

I hadn't told her about the any of this, but I just found out she, of her own accord, is now in a methadone program for two years so I still hold hope that besides weaning off drugs she will get counseling to address what got her into this mess in the first place. The last thing I want is to be the cause of potential animosity between them all as my final fair well.
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We don't know who is doing the caregiving. We don't know if mother is even in need of care. Shelly has chosen to be vague about the situation, so I don't know how we can advise her.
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Absolutely Marialake, and the do nothing sibling should be classy and decent enough to realize this. Caregiving is the toughest job on the planet. Regardless of how much we love for the people we care for we don't get those years back.

And you're right a NH would have taken it all. Something the do nothing sibling or siblings should keep in mind. 25% is better than 0%.



Many times the stress of caregiving takes it toll on the caregiver physically, mentally, and emotionally.
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My sister got mad because she thinks my moms lawyer is going to screw her out of her own money , when I try telling my sister once a person dies they can not be screwed out of anything.

Because both of them think I'm ever so so stupid I have to reword my words to get them to accidental tell the truth .
My sister actually asked my mom if I die first thrn could all my money go to her kids and not mine.
This is the kind of thing o have been living with for years.
I'm done playing the games because it's just not fun anymore.
But my heart has a hard time excepting what a monster my own sister has turned into .
And for my own mother to let her talk me down
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Actually
Great question!!!
I have not seen the will I am only going by what my mother told me and how my sister acts.
I apparently don't need to see this will according to my mom .
Either she feels my sister will carry out her orders whatever they may be or my sister is so vindictive she would leave me doing everything.
Thing is as told to me by both my sister got all in a huff because my mom took her will to a lawyer so as to keep it out of probate.
My feeling is I don't nor probably will never know the truth .
My mom is still keeping sister as exec. As she has told me
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Does your sister understand that if we are talking about a large amount of money there could be tax ramifications with her gifting you money? As others have noted, there may not be any money to speak of if your mother has to go into assisted living or memory care. I am with everyone else, have you seen these documents? How do you know?
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I believe that the person doing the caregiving - especially in their own home.........is due substantial money for caregiving. That person has given up years of their life. Other family members did not. A nursing home would've taken all the money and more.
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Shelly, you're being too vague. Is that on purpose?

Is your sister taking care of your mother? Sounds like that might be the case.

I'm a big believer in the adult child who does the caregiving should get more, they give up their life and many times their livelihood. So they lose SS benefits, maybe a pension, and earning money.

It's hard to say in this situation since so little information was provided. We don't even know if any caregiving is going on.
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Shelly, these situations can be hard to explain, yes. If I follow you...

Your father made a will.
Your sister was your father's executor, appointed by him.
Your father sadly passed away, and your sister correctly dealt with his estate.
Your sister later drafted a will for your mother on broadly the same terms that had previously been in your father's will.
This draft was then completed, signed by your mother and notarised by a lawyer.
All of these details you know because your sister has discussed them with you.

Is any of these points incorrect?
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Shelly, as others have asked, how do you know what is written in the Will?
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First off it's always so hard to explain all of it.
None of these things happen overnight but usually involve years of resentments .
No first will sis wrote for "mom" she says she copied from my dads .
Which I'm sure was not true .
Somwhere I'm not sure when because most of the time they kept me in the dark .
Mom took it to lawyer and it was legal .
I'm sure my sis got a copy .
I know there is only so much that can be done .i mean money will not replace your mother .
I have a lot of resentment to my sis for things she did when my father passed .
I know now that she hates me she would do far worse .
She's wanted my mom to keep my kids out if I die .
She's selfish sneaky and bitter
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Doesn't the signing of a will have to be witnessed by two people, neither of which are the beneficiaries? I'd try to get a copy and take it to my lawyer for advice to find out if it is legal.
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How do you know that your sister remains executrix of your mother's will? Who gave you a copy?
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Shelly, it would be helpful if you could go back to the first page of your post and read what we have written, and answer those questions for us, thus to give us a better understand on who actually wrote the Will, etc. :)
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Thank you all for your answers.
I have told my mom that make sure she has enough to live comfortably even if it takes it all .
My sister has been telling her I don't love her and all I want is her money
I don't think we should be fighting about such things my moms still alive for gods sake
Sis did the same to my dad .
My mom has changed the will but she is still Exe of it unfortunately .
She has gotten in a fight with mom because my mom was taking it to a lawyer .
This was the only time in years my sister called me to tell me to talk mom out of it
I did not obey
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