Sister visits and always asks about her inheritance. Money may run out. Thoughts?

My brother in law and Sister in law come around once in a great while to ask same question, we always tell them their inheritances are their family memories and if there is anything else to be had......that will be bonus and will be completely unveiled in the future!!

Adult children have forgotten that they aren't entitled to any of their parents' money or property, they should be self sufficient by the time they are adults.

I was just about to say what treatmenttime said. People think that they are Owed by our Parents properties/money. What our parents made in their lifetime should be used towards their care/health issues. If that money runs out, there's always the option to sell their house/land to pay for their care. I would not let the siblings who keep asking for their inheritance take over the care of the parents. I would not put it past them to "get" their inheritance Now, and then when the parents are broke, give them back to you to care for them.

So, when sister comes to visit to ask for her inheritance, tell her that your parents money is THEIRS for their care/health issues. Tell sis, that If anything, she should be helping with the parents. Then ask sis to do some errands (nothing to do with money). Or to help you change the pampers, the soiled room, etc.... Help sis see that it's not all roses caring for the parent ... but hard work.

What inheritence? Your mother is still alive! Elderly assets should be used for their care and not saved for inheritences. This is the main reason why Medicaid Laws have become more restrictive in the care of the elderly. Gone are the days where assets could be hidden for future inheritences while the government picked up the tab for elderly care.

Can you just tell sis that not only is there no inheritance but you don't even know if mom is going to have enough money to last her?

Debralee, but most people don't think like that. They think that the money their parents have is for them when they die. You read it over and over on this site how they wrestle the POA from the caregiver, splurge the money, and then return the parents back to the caregiver. Or take over POA and refuse to pay for their parent's care or NH because it would deplete their parent's money.

They think it's Owed to them.

So sad. What is going to be left? What does you sister think is even there? Maybe a nice long chat about reality would help.

Most of us don't get an inheritance. Look up the percentage of people who actually get an inheritance. Not many.

My husband's family was very different. His father was prosperous and exceptionally intelligent. He set up trusts, was open with his children and wanted his heirs to have what he had accumulated through hard work. They were well adjusted, took excellent care of my MIL and all got a nice inheritance. But they knew they would. They are very close to each other as well.

Don't let a small amount of money or misunderstanding ruin you relationship with you sister if possible. Be as frank and open with her as you can be.

In my family, mom has a good amount of money. I was raised to want, expect and know nothing. Only when dad died did I get any information about my mother's finances and only because my brother told me. Mom created lies to keep me in the dark, she thinks I want her money. I never asked about it except to be sure she would be taken care of. It has ruined our relationship because her lies get bigger every year. And it is all over "her" money.

Communicate with her before it is too late and keep records of what you spend in case she has strange ideas about you taking your mother's money. People are just crazy when money is involved.

Montauk - you sound like a responsible and caring daughter. God Bless you.

If I was 92, and I had a relative drooling over what they thought they were getting from my passing, I would not want to be left alone with that relative!

Seriously, counting her eggs before the chicken has croaked is just plain tacky.

Just say to her the details will be communicated when the time comes, I hope that will not be for a long time. Tell her the executor will communicate the details and he will also reach out to her in case the funds fall and her help is required to keep mom under care.....that may keep her from asking for a while.

without knowing anything and just jumping right in, that would infuriate me....I would say something like "I am executor and have the right to share as little or as much info with you as I can and when u take a more active roll in moms care I will be more open to discuss those types of matters" no matter what will or will not be left in the end. I am jaded tho as I am in disgust of the lack of support, in my case it is cause they are mentally ill but I see so many of these stories here where they are not, or not as bad and completely dysfunctional...and it infuriates me that they do not help and then expect or even manipulate or mistreat the one who is "doing the time"!!! granted we should not expect anything at all anyways any of us, less there is an agreement prior or contract per se for the one sacrificing future n income for the care..as they should not have to pay to care for an elder!!!

I am a son not a daughter by the way. Older sisters abdicated and have not provided any care. Thanks for this feedback so much. Many good points.

Montauck, my brother is in control of my mother's finances, her health care, her will, her this, her that. As the eldest and a woman, I thought my mother would want to be with me and have me care for her. My brother really doesn't want to take care of her, just run her business. When I ask even an innocent question, I get nasty rude remarks. It is none of my business, etc. etc. And this has nothing to do with her finances. I know better than to ask about that! They are just assholes.

So, my advice to be upfront and keep records is for a reason. When my brother tries to take all of my mother's money, as he may, I have my lawyers ready to give him some grief. What good will it do, who knows? Certainly embarrass an already egotistical guy and make some trouble for him.

So the best thing for you is keep account of everything since I detected trouble with the sister.

And you are going a really good job.

Thanks Madge...but I have to take into account that my career and income for last 7 years of caretaking are destroyed because I cant leave to go to an area where I would be able to make living. I am trapped in rural area which I found unfit for what I do. Had I not brought Mom to live here or had sisters stepped up when asked I would have left and resumed my career. So my attitude towards keeping records and all that is not strong.

I found this site last year. I didn't know that it's very important to keep receipts when it comes to father's money. I'm doing a lot of no-no but like you, I do keep records (as of this year) but it's terrible!!! =) ... After reading so much horror stories, I woryy about how my terrible back-up documents.

Hey Montacuk, are you good on computers? I'm really terrible at it. When my computer has problems, the poor IT guy gets really frustrated. In the end, he comes over and take my hard drive. ..But, I was wondering if you're good with computers, are you able to do work online with regards to your job? Or do a new and improved version online? Just do something online that pays you so that it helps supplement your income?

My brother thinks he is owed something too. He's a huge gambler and my Daddy would quietly pay his markers for him , for years , here in Vegas where we have all lived for years. When my Daddy passed over last summer , then my Mother became ill in Feb of this year I put her in a Group Home. My Brother is still asking about my parents CD's and money. I laughed at him when he went to the group home asking to take my Mother to the bank. He's a real piece of shit, I mean WORK. He's even called ( the state) saying I spend all my parents money on cars and jewels. We have not been away in ages and I drive a Honda Accord , he has a Mercedes and his wife a new BMW not us.

Missymo, did you get in trouble with the state? Did they come over and interview you? I would have been scared even though I knew that I did no wrong.

Your mother's money is there for her care. If there's anything left after she has been well cared for (as you are doing) and her life ends, then the family will get a cut. To be hounding you about inheritance is disgusting, yet as you can see from the responses, is not unusual. I'm sorry your have to put up with this. Just know that you are doing the right thing.
Carol

No we made my Daughter POA of both my parents. I was not scared of the state I live in at all. Las Vegas is a corrupt little hick town , when you take away the light's of the strip. Plus my Parents at anytime can gift money and have to all of us a many times. The state can only get involved if their is abuse. My families money is none of the state of Nevada's business , we do not live off the state. A idiot older man called me form senior ( something or other and never even bothered to follow up). I think if we were not paying out of pocket for my Father ( which we did plus he had V.A. benefits) and asking for help with the cost of my Mothers care then their may be some issue's. We pay for all my Mother care in the Group Home or should I say she does really, herself. My Daddy came in to a nice sum of money 10 years ago from his very wealthy sister.

from *

Montauk, do you have power of attorney financial and medical for your mother? If you have the financial power of attorney, your sisters can demand an account of how funds were spent if they suspect money was not wisely used. You don't deserve that on top of all of the other things you have given up.

If you don't have power of attorney, then ignore them. You have more than one sister? What is the matter with them? Did they have a good relationship with your mother?

The up side here is you have your mother and her love. I am sure she knows who is there for her and who is not. Take care.

A judge would have to get involved . You just can't demand anything. Court's don't want this to play out then the elder is left with nothing for their care after attorney eat it up. POA can only be revoked for reasons , and good ones mostly its the person that gave it that wants to take it away or they die. My brother has know way of knowing even what was left after my father died to my Mother, its was left POD. I'm not running scared of him. Plus he only comes around when he's in the gambling hole. My Mother really gave all her money to one of our daughters for her care ( the only one to be trusted ) . She's runs a 50 million dollars place on the strip has for 7 years., youngest ever to have the job she has. My brother could try and take her into to court but he has to many money issues plus 2 , B.K. and a son that lives with him that is a felon and in this state you cannot have control or anybody for those reasons.

I am so happy to have this forum and this discussion with all of you. If I had been able to leave this area and had not taken mom in I would have been able to restore my income and career to its former state but cannot do it now though I am trying to increase it a little, the best I can. And frankly, obviously no one thought mom would live, get healthier and last this long. I did a good job. Now, I and mom do have attorney who has heard and reviewed everything who finds the idea of them ever hiring an attorney to question me in this state(they live elsewhere) laughable and fruitless waste of money on their part. So, that she continues in renewed and good health, that she requires 24 hour care and that my income has disappeared are the two factors working here. Thank you all again.

Tell her that no money is left. That elder care is very expensive and that both of you are going to have to start pitching in $500 per month. That should shut her up. :)

I am so glad you found some relief in the attorney....
I have to add tho, as I mentioned my bro's are "ill" there was an awful ending to our relationship He falsely accused me of elder abuse APS saw thru it I guess cuz they interviewed me and closed the case. So that didn't work he then stole the will forged info, and filed eviction and restraining orders. Again I prevailed in court but the heartache and pain this caused me was unbearable. I have taken care of this boy my whole adult life! (put up with his abuse and shenanigans, have had the police to my home to remove him idk how many times) So I took ma and left the darn state, in a panicked emotional decision of which I now regret......I hold no resent toward them, but, haven't spoken to em in over 8ys...I emotionally am come to terms with the loss and betrayal....but I live in fear that at any time the shoe will drop and something he has done. That when this is all sed n done I will be the one in Jail, this time. (he did time for elder abuse, when he n dad got in a fist fite apparently) in deep water with ????...whatever the reprocussion is. I don't keep good records but I have a box with every damn receipt I ever had. I have never squandered moms money purposefully, we have been ripped off by atty and contractors tho... He actually ran up cc bill and refused to pay it trying to say it was me...I filed police report but never followed up. anyway I just pray this all works out, as I just left and stuck my head in the sand and never followed up on any of this to see what investigations or attatchments to her estate, idk right term...what shit he mite have stirred up. I had planned to but things became overwhelming pretty fast in my new isolated life! When he focus's on something, he will dwell on it till the cows come home, I mean years n years. I always had looked at it as I can do no wrong because whaterver I spend on myself could not even compare to the 6k+ a month a NH would take their estate would have been gone in in less that 2 ys. I wear rags, occasionally have to buy few things, don't do much but go out to eat once while, maybe an occasional concert or weekend getaway and the getaway is always with her and for her too....drive a broken down jalopy the only thing I think could be issue is the contractor thing...etc....

Anyway I digress, sorry to Hijack your thread...just scared to death I will end up in jail or ??? when this is all done. I I am in crisis about this, it is eating me alive!

Mauntauck your a good son and don't let anyone tell you any different! Keep your head up and certainly keep with the legal straight before you end up like me!!!

love your answer Chicago...perfect man I wish I thought of that. Thats why I love this forum!!!

I don't even pay anyone to care for ma, thinking that would be misuse.as I am supposed too....therefore I haven't had a break of more than 4hrs in many a many year! and really cant afford to pay anyway but my mind is kinda changing on the cant afford part...as I cant afford to end up in looney bin either...ma would suffer!

I don't see how you could end up in jail? Your brother sounds like a Whack'O. What if you Mother just flat out gave you her money? What could your brother really do? A gifts a gift. Take everything out of your Mother name for starters and have her give it to You. Whatever it may be . You're her caregiver right and the only family member that cares for her?

Police are useless in these kinds of issues.

I'm surprised the court system where you live allows this. Your Mothers money to care for her to be wasted on attorneys.

First of all, greed and entitlement are so ugly, aren't they? May we be free of both.

Do you have POA? Have you ever shared your Mom's budget with your siblings? This may be helpful for them to get a picture of what it has cost you to care for your Mom. Those that don't step up and care for their parents have ZERO idea the monetary and emotional cost of caring for a loved one. I could go on and on here but I will abstain because it gets my blood pressure up. :-)

Missy...
yes i am the sole family member left and have been on 24/7 for nine years come September. Yes bro is "bat shit crazy" is my term of endearment.
And for the court I did not get a lawyer at that time i was fresh and confident of myself. It was civil or family court, not criminal, so i just went in showed em the wills where mom had put me in charge at 19, (he was 31 then, jus saying she knew who would be able to take care of her) and explained his history and pointed out he is the one with an elder abuse arrest on record not me. and that was the end of it...haven't seen him since. anyway I have not changed or paid for legal help except for changing her will from equally disbursment of the home to me, instead then them should i be gone first. everything else i had been in fear to change... I know it is an irrational fear kinda but that is the damage from years of drama...you don't know how obsessed he can become and has always fixated on me...a social worker at hospital witnessed it and explained she thought it was because he is oldest son, and feels it is his duty and right. but because they put me in charge he is "jealous" for lack of a better term, that the baby girl is the one carrying the load...idk....made me feel better bout it for first time....i never had an understanding of why he did this to me, and no one else in family, so it made sense to me...ill take it!!! anyway so yes i have no idea why i would go to jail but for misuse of funds. but because i never followed up and chose to just ignore/deny the whole issue. i fear it could come back to bite me..especially now i found this site and see so many snippets on misuse of funds and jail in same thought ...i guess what i am saying is it is my ignorance on things causing the fears...
the credit card company sed they would not be able to stop harassing me for payment less i filed a police report as it is a crime to do what he did, so i did and gave them the report number (I think that is to make sure I was not lying as filing false allegations is a crime) and have not been contacted by anyone since cc or police so no idea what happened...i guess i should run ma's credit and see if it still on there etc.....
anyway hope that covers some issues...and that is why am telling the story...so until i can get some professional help for cheap need to know am i doing things illegally or ??? and what are the consequences! I just have to add i did ignore the problem as it was too painful to deal with...and now I am so burned out and exhausted i need help to try to go back and figure out things, i am overwhelmed with to do's in mom's recent decline!!
Thanks
Juju