How to respond to a sister that thinks because I have asked for help with caregiving I consider Mom a burden?

Maybe you can share my email with your siblings. ...I work only 28 hrs /wk away from home, but am age 60 with a 13 yr old and college age child. My dad lives nearby so he is with me alot of my free time. Everyday 5-8:30, Sunday 10-8:30.
Sat half the day..... lunch time M/F when I am off... If there is a holiday, he is with me most of the time...

I love him and it has only been 3 yrs, but I have little time for "me"..if I go shopping he goes with me, if someone invites me for a walk after work I have to find something for him to do too, he so looks forward to seeing me.
My siblings are the best. ALL live away, but when need to go out of town, my sister flys down for a long weekend, she also took Daddy for 3 wks,and my brother for the first time took him for a week, my other brother has come down for a week and then another long weekend. Just those short breaks are helpful for me emotionally..and I love our dad...OH, and we found a lovely lady that come 3 hrs /day on the days I work so if needed, he can go to the doctor or run an errand without feeling confined to his house.

If they should have your Mom t stay with them for maybe 2-3 weeks once a yr, they might understand better...My brother , after his week, drove him back 5 hrs, dropped him off and headed back 5 hrs. He could have stayed overnight since he was retired, but it does restrict what you can do when our precious parents are with us.

I found an elder care social worker thru my dad's MD that mediate elder care for siblings....and we actually are meeting Oct 28 for our second time so the others can understand and it has so far been wonderful. She evaluates the situation and suggests how ALL can be involved...

Just a thought....but you do need a break just to know you can do something,and to also know they are safe.

Don;t listen!! That's her guilt talking.Ask and keep asking! My mom is moving to a Nursing home tomorrow.I have a sister and a brother,my sister has been a good helper,but she works full time .Brother is absent.My sister paid us monthly for moms needs & to help with the bills she ran up.She keeps trying to escape and is incontinent now.I say if you don't get help,give mom to them.

It seems like the family doesn't understand what it's like to be in your shoes at all! Do any of them ever step in to help you or relieve you? It is like having a job because you have to be there, correct? How about showing them an estimate from a home health care company - this is what it would cost them to replace you! It's NOT cheap, as you probably know.

We were in a similar situation and the lowest price we found was $6500 a month for 24/7 care, which seems a bit low. $10,000 is probably closer to reality. My husband offered to be the 24/7 caregiver for $2000 as he would not be able to work but would need to be at home 24/7. This would mean no vacations away for us, being tied to the house ALL THE TIME, etc. The friends of my husband's uncle (the man who needed the care) thought this was outrageous that he would charge for it. They accused us of "bleeding him dry" and found some random college student to live there with him... not a good alternative.

I would call a family meeting and have someone with you (friend that supports you). Have information on what home health care would cost if the family weren't able to do the care. Try to explain things calmly and logically - what things you give up to be the caregiver, how no one is helping you or giving you relief and what that means for you. Find other stories on here where people describe the toll it takes on them. There are lots of websites where experts stress the importance of caregivers taking care of themselves because it's stressful for you too. Print that out and show your family that you aren't out of line in asking for these things. It's important to be calm and rational and they will take you more seriously than if you lose it and get angry.

I sincerely hope everything works out for you!

Your sister is being manipulative. If you are asking for help and not getting it from these shiftless siblings, they have to project onto you something bad so that they do not have to look at themselves.

Do not answer the question. It is a trap. You need to be the adult here as your siblings are not. Let me tell you, if something happens to your mother you will be the first to get blamed and they will be the first to take everything.

If your mom is not incompetent, then on a matter of fact basis without acting like a victim, let her know that apparently you are tagged and you are it for taking care of her and that the other two do not wish to meaningfully participate. Then nuff said to her about it.

Then decide if you want to be her caretaker. You really do not have to be her caretaker. If she was a lousy mom and favored the other two brats, then place her.

If she is a good mom and treated you well, then if you want to take care of her you should do so on your terms. Quit asking for help because you are just going to set up a sick dynamics of being the weak one and someone to be pushed around. Act like you are the only kid. Get legal documents in place like power of attorney for health care and for finances. If you are going to take on full responsibility then you need all the tools to do so. Any objections, then offer the job to the siblings and bow out completely. If they do not want the job, then proceed full speed ahead. Also get the proper paperwork in place for her will, POLST, etc. Leave nothing for discussion with those idiots. Be strong. Seek out an attorney who specializes in this sort of thing protecting the elderly. If your mom sees how hard you work for her and take on being her caregiver and wants to give you more in the will than the others, accept it. However do everything on the up and up. However, you have no obligation to have the other siblings get involved with any of these important papers as they are not assuming any of the responsibilities.

If your mom is incompetent, then get that documented, see an attorney and get the proper documentation for being her legal guardian.

Document any and all failures and lack of care of your mother that your siblings have done in a book. You may need this later on to prove your role as your mother's sole caretaker.

Do not answer stupid confrontational questions from your siblings. Do not argue with them. Do not pick fights with them. Just make your decision of what you are going to do (without them) and do it. You will not get help from them so move on without them and owe them nothing.

They are selfish idiots. Although it would be nice to tell them to grow up, don't do it. Don't pick any fights, choose your battles. Look after yourself first and then look after your mom.

Good luck!

Sounds familiar, and yes, it is their guilt. Remind them that there are human limits and invite them to do what you do for a week. Brace yourself: this kind of attitude gets worse once the parent passes away. Siblings I thought were my friends took every opportunity to yell at me and say that they, too, were caregivers. It is all guilt. I was the only beneficiary for a reason. My mother was terrified at the thought of one them being in charge of her funeral. Stand up for yourself. Remind them they do nothing for their parent. It will come back to them later.

Omg this is ridiculous! The average pay is at the least $15 and hour for 8 hours a day. Does she live in a house, because you probably own it now. Get a free consult with a lawer, first visits are free to see if you have a case.
You could also tell them to take over because you cannot take it, they wont!

They don't understand because they haven't taken care of a parent. When I asked for help from my siblings, they said I was attacking them and playing the victim. Discounting you eases their guilt.
Now that my parents are gone, I feel wonderful about what I did for them. My siblings will never know what sacrifices I made or the emotional pain I felt, I just have to let it go.
Get support from people on this website, it does help. The people on this forum have helped me so much.

My mom moved next to me two years ago. I used to drive 45 minutes at least once a week and worked part time. I have 4 siblings and only one went to see her about once every three weeks. This sibling lived 20 minutes away and worked part time. The house be t to me went up for sale. I told my mom about it and she said no at first, then she fell a week later and decided to buy the house next to me. My mom has COPD and is on oxygen 24/7. She never drove and didn't make friends. When I ask for help I get " I'm busy" and " you moved her next to you". I just went through chemo and radiation for breast cancer and still couldn't get any help. I don't work anymore and am married, so we do have an income, but taking care of mom is a job in itself. My sister even decided to go from part time to full time in the middle of my chemo. She doesn't need the money. Believe me I know. She sees my mom about once every two months. I am POA and you should be too. I have never asked for a penny, but it would be nice to get something for all the work I do. Siblings who don't do the care taking don't have a clue what we go through. Don't hold your breath for help.

Why don't you stop and tell your brother and sister to take over your duties. If your brother controls and purse strings, you may have to wait or file in small claims court. It sure does show who is selfish in your family. Either quit your 40 hr. week outside job, move or continue to take the abuse from your siblings. I am not in your situation, and only you knows how much you can take. Do not allow yourself to be taken advantage of nor verbally abused by your siblings.

WipedOut, this is so sad, but unfortunately too common. It truly brings out the real character of family when continual care is needed.

DO NOT ACCEPT what this sister says. SHE IS SO WRONG. I have a sister who pulled much the same stance & attitude; my husband and I simply cut off communication and do what we have to do.

For a sibling to say such insensitive CRAP is hurtful, offensive and incredibly callous. You do not need this negativity in your life.

(disclaimer: I know this sounds mean and I don't normally post things like this.)
Your sister is an idiot. Your mother is blessed to have you in her life. You, unfortunately drew the short straw and must stay strong for your mom. Forget about the option of getting help from your sister and search for other resources.

There are many stories on here about similar circumstances. Mine is one. I have been mom's sole caregiver for over two years, have also asked to be paid, and was actually told by a sibling that mom saved well for her retirement, with hopes of not spending it to have something left for her "girls". The girls really irritated me and was supposed to tug at my heart strings and feel sorry for my sibs. Both sibs live within 20 minutes of here, one has never done a thing, has seen mom 3 or 4 times this year, for 2-3 hours each time. The other takes mom to church occasionally. My sibs also tried the free room and board argument. I purchase all of the food, and would be in my own home if I was not needed here. In addition, home care agencies require a suitable place be provided for caregivers to sleep, if there isn't one, then the hourly rate increases by $3.00/hour. This is selfishness that your sibs would treat you this way. Tell them you need a week or two off, ask them to plan their vacations to take care of mom. Then ask them how they feel.

What your sibs are concerned about it the cost to their share of inheritance when mom passes. Home care is very expensive and when you consider overtime wages becomes astronomical.

Home caregivers can be paid, but there needs to be a contract, in compliance with Medicaid regulations in case mom ever needs to go on that plan. Consult an elder law attorney, check out AVVO (google it), to ask attorneys questions at no charge, they will respond. If you suspect that this may become a court action, make sure you find someone that does a significant amount of litigation, which will also show on the AVVO site.

You should also check out this thread on caregivers and dysfunctional families.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/The-Caregiver-Dysfunctional-Families-149068.htm?cpage=0&cm=283245&utm_source=Notification&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Discussion#283245

Time to turn this one it's head. As family can't be paid hire a full time caregiver and tell brother to pay her plus her workmans comp and social security. If you need her 24/7 then she gets a room, board and time off. Siblings don't have to help including you and if Mom has money she pays the bills. go back to work if you want who is covering your healthcare and retirement. Whether or not you view Mom as a burden or not has nothing to do with anything your sister obviously does so she is trying to guilt you into continuing. brother does work 24/7 either. he just weaseled his was into holding Mom's purse strings. Don't feel guilty. get yourself to a lawyer ASAP. You have done more than your fair share. Let's see five years and three siblings, with my limited math you don't need to left as finger for ten years. Start stirring the pot and don't be timid.

I agree with many of your responses to your post. If you were to put your parent in a nursing facility, the bill would be $5000 a month, minimum. I care for my elderly mom and have three other sisters and brother. This is pretty much left up to my younger sister and I since my older sister is way out there in lala land and my brother is married to a wife who doesn't support my brother in anything. You are literally on call for 24/7. I can't leave my mom alone so I change my schedule and my family's schedule to do things that are necessary like just grocery shopping or enrolling my son in school. That means no other activities like going out with friends or even date night with my husband. I feel bad asking my 13-year-old to stay home and watch her. He is 13 and wants to play sports and extra curricular activities. You should get paid for your services. If the family were to hire someone to come in and give care to your parent, first of all it is a paid position for them. It would be without feeling or the love you have for your parent...... it would cost an arm and a leg. If they are not willing to pay you for your services, because it is a full-time job, plus.... then have them come stay with in the house and provide 24/7 care and see how they feel. It is very stressful and sometimes you just feel like screaming, but God gives us the strength to go on. Our parents don't mean to be a burden on us, this is just what is in their cards at the end stages of life. Talk is so cheap. Don't let your siblings guilt you. They go on with their lives daily, out of sight out of mind, and don't understand in the slightest what we caregivers go through on a daily basis. I would so check into legal counseling and see what your options are. I bet if you put your parent in a nursing facility for just one week, your siblings would be happy to pay you at least half of what the nursing facility charges. Good luck to you and prayers for this situation to be resolved quickly. Be strong. You can do it. :)

Oh my word, THANK YOU all for your comments of support!

I don’t mean to sound like I’m back-tracking, but my sibs do more than what happens in a lot of families. The bros do come over for visits fairly regularly, but those visits have trailed off and gotten shorter in length and my sis does help out with a meal 2 or 3 times a month. They are all married. But their (obligatory?) visits are rarely ever scheduled so I can make plans to get away. My sis responded a while back that she didn’t like to feel like she needed to ‘make an appt’ to visit with Mom. And besides, it’s kind of difficult to go out and do anything and get back in an hour. Last fall and winter I made a professional commitment outside the house for about 4-5 hrs (incl 2 hrs travel time) on Sunday afternoons. I asked the sibs to share that coverage. The bros complained so much that my sis ended up covering the Sundays over the winter.

My oldest bro was probably the most supportive up until 18 months ago when I asked for the meager compensation. Everything changed from that point on.
And in response to crazycolo, this July I did provide the sibs with a cost benefit comparison to illustrate what 24/7 care from an outside agency would cost compared to their over-inflated value of room and board (a value that doesn’t create a significant additional cash outlay) and my request for meager compensation - well below min wage. (They -- rather Mom -- already are paying a companion agency to cover the 40 hrs I work outside the home.) They’ve chastised me for putting things in writing, but have done so to keep things transparent and attempt to avoid any emotionally charged comments. They did actually respond with a ‘Care Agreement’ that was laughable and a separate option of deferred payment. I responded. Then oldest bro responded with some very misinterpreted legal advice. I was,at least, appreciative they'd stopped dismissing me.

Still not getting anywhere, I asked if the four of us could meet with an elder law professional and let them know I would be covering such and such hours and they’d have to find other coverage until we could come to an agreement. We met the next day. (I felt like I was going into the lion’s den. And as expected, it did get ugly a few times.) They refused to meet with a professional citing the expense, but told me to modify their version of a care agreement and they’d look at it. They told me they resented that I was ‘putting a gun to their heads’.

But it has been 18 months and NOTHING else worked. I know it’s not over as they still have not agreed to anything, but at least they realize/acknowledge that paying a family member for caregiving svcs IS an allowable expense in a Medicaid 5-yr look back (that was the initial argument).

There are so many other levels of ‘stuff’ at play, but have tried to accurately condense this. Sorry for the length. And thank you again!!!!!

PS – my sis hasn’t wanted any part in discussing my compensation. I think it has something to do with her perspective of money being the root of all evil, that I should be doing this out of love (not money). and that none of them get paid for helping Mom – even though none of them are devoting 120+ hrs/wk, week in, week out. At the recent meeting, she was asking what the 5-yr look back was?!

At the moment, do not focus on your sister's behavior. I heard that the more you focus on a person, thing or a situation, the more it grows and becomes problematic. Many times people do not change. I also have family who are negative, toxic, and unsupportive. For example, my mom (who is the POA) is the ring leader family matriach and my dad and my sister are her followers and are also in her circle of toxic energy. I stay away from them as much as I can because birds of a feather flock together. I can even write a novel about that.

But anywho, sometimes when you can't get help from your own family, there are always resources out there where you can get help from. I would highly suggest you take mom to adult daycare. So she can be watched during the day and so you can get respite and/or work. If she has medicaid, call her medicaid and ask if they cover adult daycare for her in your area or surrounding areas and then ask for a list of adult daycares and go check them out. My grandpa's medicaid covers up to 5 weekdays and breakfast, lunch, and snacks. If it wasn't for adult daycare it would have been difficult for me to last this long as his caregiver and I've only been his caregiver for 7 months. People who have never been in a caregiver's shoes do not seem to understand that you have to be a warrior, soldier, athlete for this job. It takes a lot of mental and physical stamina too.

If your mom was very loving and caring towards you before, then you are more likely to do this same for her. Both of my parents are verbally abusive, critical, toxic, etc. My mom is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I wish I can speak positive about them but they are not they are in their own destructive path and I don't want any part of it. They are lessons to me not blessings. Many times have I questioned my existence on this planet because they are not loving people towards me or my son. So when they get older and maybe invalid, I will not be taking care of them.
I am only a caregiver of my grandpa because he was more like a father figure to me than my own dad and he helped raise me when my parents were not there and he helped me with my homework when I was growing up so now I am doing the same for him. If it wasn't for me, maybe they would place him in a nursing home.
I do not want to brag but the quality of care I give my grandpa is extremely high. I have taken him to the park, cook and prepare him homemade food, do his laundry, make sure he is comfortable, take him to adult daycare, borrow books, magazines from the library (he loves to read) and give him newspapers, etc.
You treat someone with kindness and you do not know how it comes back to you.

I have one brother who does nothing for our 98 yr old father. He lives 3 hrs away.
and only visits twice a year for a couple of days. I've gone though very upsetting
situtations with my father who can be extremely difficult. I hoped my brother would relieve me once in a while as he knows what I go through. He hasn't, so I've given up on him doing anything. I would call him when I had a stressful situtation and vent. Now he has completely stopped calling me or our father. I finally accepted, under protest, his not visiting but I cannot accept his not calling. I'm now at the point that I don't want to talk to him at all.

Same problem here. My sister who would proclaim to anyone who would listen that "her Mother will never be in a nursing home" has all but disappeared. Siblings suck, they are not going to help so you have to be strong. Whenever I hear about paying rent, ect... I give them my bill for 24/7 hour care. I am an RN so that bill is well over $100,000 a year. Shuts them up magically. The other thing that I do is tell my sibs that they are more than welcome to take over our Mothers care and I will move out tomorrow- that shuts them up also. I was treated like a servant when I first moved in with Mom but no longer! Unfortunately this has caused problems with my sister and I. We were very close and best friends but that is no longer the case. She will have to deal with her guilt when Mom passes - that is not my problem. Do not let them make you feel guilty - they are the ones who are not doing the right thing. Hugs...

Two minor comments: In terms of siblings scheduling visits, what I did with my sisters (one lived just two blocks away although the other lived three hours away) is that I would say that I wanted to go do thus-and-such and needed a sister (usually the nearby sister) to come stay with Mother. She rarely came otherwise, but if I specifically said I wanted to do something, she would cvome.

As for a family meeting: I suggest doing this under the guidance of a social worker or other professional and perhaps, if your mother has dementia, someone who knows something about dementia.

Good luck.

Tell your siblings you're relocating, and won't be able to take care of your mother anymore, then see what happens.

I would consult with a geriatric care manager, they will develop a care plan for your mom and help with the sibling issues as well.

To cb, re: scheduled visits, I get tired of asking (usu via group email) who might be available every time, and opening myself up to judgments of what I am doing. Sis would help out more than bros, to the point she complained I always asked her first, never them. I have been out after work maybe 10 x's since January, and been home by 9-ish (there might've been a couple of times it was 10:30). I even suggested a set schedule. They just recently agreed to consider a possibilty of the first Friday evening of the month (or something of that nature)! But by gosh, I'd better be out (of the house) bc the one bro doesn't want to provide coverage if I am going to be there just relaxing!

Re: family meeting w/guidance -- bros refuse that idea. After my initial request for compensation over a year ago, my bros (co-POAs) 'ambushed' me telling me a family member can't be paid caregiver bc of medicaid 5-yr look back for the first 20 min and the last hr & a half judging me six ways to Sunday. I researched and responded that compensation to a caregiver, family member or not, IS an allowable expense in a 5-yr look back. No response for over a yr, until I re-visited the idea again this summer.

And with this recent bit of back and forth, when I suggested we meet with a professional, they would have no part of that -- egos, control, etc -- ? But the bros are the ones with the purse strings, and evidently all the answers.

To gladimhere: thanks for the links ... holy moly ... easy to get lost in all those stories!

When I was applying for Veterans aid for widows for my Mother my sibs acted like I was crazy - why would I fill in all this paperwork. Because I need to get paid! Then they will call me with this "great" idea. Why don't I apply for VA benefits. I did that over 2 years ago - they are idiots. They go about their own lives and rarely take time to visit their Mom but have no problem telling me how I should handle this situation. I am so over them.

If nothing else, WipedOut, you can bill the estate when she passes for your time. That would then require probate and your bros will not want that either.

Wipedout! all I can say is that this time last year I nearly had a breakdown WHY? oh not because my mum was acting weird or becoming abusive I could just about cope with that BUT my so called F.A.M.I.L.Y they treated me like crap a hired help who as you say should be paying my mum rent,mums been good to YOU? etc...... I wont bore you but dont let them get to you with thier guilt and sefishness. I do what I can now for mum AND for ME when mums gone I will deal with them and let them know how far they pushed me. As my therapist says take back your power! Get help in from other sources and accept this as doing it without them when the time comes they will have to deal with their guilt and that is going to be tough for them! Hugs as this is the hardest thing about caring with dementia that family dont share the responsiblity.
I would agree that before you give up on them go away for a wk and get them to take over and just see how hard it is.
My siblngs have no idea whats ahead ive tried to get them here but a few days isnt enough to really see the reality of this. Good Luck!

I would divide the care evenly amongst all the siblings. There, no one gets paid and it is totally fair. You have your days off, they have their days off. Everything is scheduled. Problem fixed. They will now learn what it is like.

Send mom to stay with bro POA for a month, enjoy your time off, and he will change his mind. And a bunch of b.s. On the 5 year look back by Medicaid, that is for gifts only, not contracted care by you if documented in compliance with regulations.

Wipedout2013: If you could hear me, I am screaming my lungs out for you right at this moment! I am in somewhat the same situation and I am more than angry and frustrated with my siblings for basically the same reasons you are.

I too care for my mother and have for about 7 years. I am considered permanently disabled, so I do not work outside the home however I do work 24/7 in the home. I have Financial and Healthcare POA's from my mother, so my siblings have felt like, well Mom likes you best, so you handle everything! I have done it for a long time because Mom was able to be left alone while I ran to the store or the doctor, but she is worse and I cannot leave her alone any longer. Her behavior has become more difficult to deal with and it is taking a very large toll on me, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I not only care for Mom but I take care of her house and property and I mean everything from painting to plumbing (and Im a girl) when it's needed, all to save Mom's money. The thing is this website has helped me to realize how much I am being taken advantage of in this situation. It's not that I did not realize what was happening all along, but I just kept stuffing it all down and not saying anything, basically allowing myself to be abused

Is your mother by any chance on medicaid? If she is you can be paid for taking care of her. Even if she isn't you can sign a caregiving contract that is binding to provide services to her and be paid. You may have to see an Elder Law Attorney to find out exactly how to do this.

You have to turn the tables on your brother and sister, they are trying to tell you that you owe your Mom her care, because she is letting you live in her house. You have to turn the table and say, "Because I am caring for Mom, I deserve free room and board and/or a salary."

Call some agencies and find out what they charge to have a caregiver come into your mother's home to care for her. Most are $25 per hour with a guaranteed 4 hour minimum. There are some people you can find who will work for $12 an hour as well but I am not sure what you would be getting. Get written information from all of them, even ask them to come to the house to talk to you so you can get them to write out just exactly what they would charge. Then call and find out just how much it would cost to put your Mom in an Assisted Living Facility and a Nursing Home. Once you have all of this together then you need to present all the information to your brother and sister and tell them....look either you can take care of Mom yourself, or you can put her in one of these facilities and pay between $7,000-$10,000 a month, or you can hire outside help at $25 per hour or you can pay me $--- an hour. I need compensation for my time.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Ihave often thought it is best to receive a bit of pay for caregiving. Otherwise resentment grows and one might even expect more than what is due. Best to spell it all out up front. I've often wondered though when being paid, I don't see how an hourly rate would work. I can see an amount for a minimum number of hours of 'active' work (driving, cleaning, cooking, etc.) and for "hanging around" time, (neglecting your own life). Of course, you get room and board, but you don't have a lot of control over the environment, so that's part of the deal. Bravo to all the wonderful commenters and advice so far!