My sister keeps changing plans. Advice?
we brought my dad here from Arizona to Oregon. I have posted about this before. Dad had a fall the very first day he was here at my house. My sister decided she cannot have him live with her so I figure it is all up to me and I go ahead with getting Medicaid started and finding an assisted living near me. I haven't decided yet if I will just get a bigger handicap friendly house or put dad in assisted living. Then my sister decides she will have dad at her house because she thinks he is dying and that he knows it and that we should just share him. This is after I have gone ahead with plans to care for Dad. I guess my question is should I keep going ahead or should I share that with her. he really just wants to be with family but I think he is getting much worse and will need more care than either one of us can give. I already got cut back to part time at my new job because they are scared that I won't be able to be there with all the problems I'm having with dad. I also can't get a caregiver here where I live for a few months but my sister can get one as she lives in a bigger city in about 2 weeks. I know I actually have to make this decision on my own I just kind of needed to vent because there's no one to talk to you about this and my kids are sick of listening to me about it as we have been dealing with this for a few years now. For my sanity the best thing would be for him to be in assisted living but I feel guilty and like I don't want him in my home even though all he does is expect me to wait on him and make meals and he just stares at the TV and ignores me most of the time. Also we can't really have conversations as he can't hear and I have to repeat everything which wears on your nerves after awhile. on my work days I get all of his breakfast ready get myself ready go to work then come home immediately start making dinner then clean up from whatever messes he has made all day then finally get a break about 8 or 9 o'clock to put my feet up and rest. I know all of you are going through the same thing. It's just so damn hard and I don't think our parents realize how selfish they are. Thanks for listening to me ramble you all are the best!
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I'm surprised to say this, but even though she is in an NH instead of an ALF, she life is much more varied and active than when she was living at home. She is content. The sister with whom she was living felt enormous guilt for not being able to keep her longer. But actually the move to professional care was an improvement for Mom.
I feel sorriest for those who have no family to visit them. My sisters and I try to include them a little in our visits.
Never abandon your dear frustrating Dad, please. But you can looks after his needs and especially visit him often, even when he is in a care center.
What is best for your dad? Living with you? Living with you sister? Or living in an assisted living? That's what you have to figure out. If you feel that your dad is going downhill getting him into assisted living now might be the best option instead of waiting until you have a total train wreck on your hands and trying to work with that.
If your dad seems stable enough leaving him where he is for now might be the best decision. You can get him situated with Medicaid and take the wait-and-see approach.
Or, if you feel as if you just can't care for him (and it's alright to feel that way) then maybe he'd be better off at your sister's.
Good luck with your decision. And it's always good to have options. At some point you won't have options.
1. ALF near you. Pros, x y z; cons, a b c.
2. ALF near her " " "
3. Switching houses every 2-3 months (shouldn't take you both long to realise that this would be a nightmare and terribly disruptive for everyone)
4. Stays with you
5. Stays with your sister
+ any others you can think of.
But you are both, in your own ways but also I hope together, going to have to accept that every option has its share of guilt but also physical, financial and nervous wear-and-tear. The key will be to accept that what is happening to your father and the fact that there is no ideal answer is not the fault of either of you, and it would be better for both of you if you could give each other shoulder rubs over the phone and encourage each other to be practical and proportionate about how much you can manage to help your father.
And oh dear God I miss my mother terribly but I do not not not miss having to repeat every dam' sentence and then being told there's no need to shout. Feel for you.
So act in your best interest as a loving daughter. You can still advocate for your father in assisted living while having your own separate life with your children - who are your first priority - NOT dad. Hugs to you, this is hard stuff!!
I am surprised to hear, as ccflorida says, that her own father treats her this way.
So sorry to hear this, how painful. Depression, maybe? So sorry to hear, sending you a big bubble of hope and light.
It's difficult to find your way in someone else's house. You don't know what to expect, what to do. You're a permanent guest. Try to find some chore that he is capable of doing that he can be responsible for. Good luck!
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