My sister-in-law is taunting my husband about not being there for their mom's death. How should I handle this?
My mother -n- law passed away last month. His sister was keeping us updated on her situation we talked to Moma everyday on the phone so when the sister said she was getting worse neither one of us understood that because of phone conversations with Moma.. My husband could not just leave and go back home new job had to wait until it was really close to her passing (Moma always played games with her health no-one believed her) that's another story. So, the day we got for my husband to go back home she passed that night before he got there. Now, he is still feeling hurt about this, but the sister is sending emails to him taunting him about not being there and that she was the only one who was there for the Mother. Let me explain this family I married into is very dysfunctional the sister and my husband were the only two who did anything for my Moma, the other two dis own her and called her by her first name. If is was not for me this sister I am speaking of would not have been close to Moma as well. I was very close to her, and it hurts me to see this, but I have to be strong for my husband as well. I am the one who usually have the answers, but this time its my husband dealing with family. Just wanted to know how should he handle this situation with his sister???
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From her point of view, she TOLD her brother how serious the situation with Moma was, and he chose to believe his impression from talking to Moma on the phone rather than Sis's first-hand observations. From her point of view, Brother didn't trust her judgment, so he missed being there. The kind and compassionate thing for Sis to do would be to comfort her brother, who is hurting now. But apparently the combination of her upbringing and her grief isn't prompting her to be compassionate. That is sad.
I think I would write one email (either you or your husband) explaining how sad you both feel, how much you wish you had taken her reports more urgently, and how sorry you are that you weren't there with her. Then say that the subject of not arriving until after the death is just too raw for you to handle right now and you won't be discussing it again.
If she communicates with you about other things, respond. Don't discuss the timing of your husband's arrival.
I am very sorry that Sis is not mature enough and not in a healthy enough place right now to be compassionate toward her brother. That is sad but perhaps to be expected. I hope that you and your husband can leave the way open for healing and resuming good relations.
But if he wants to maintain relationship because she's family, then tell her in a neutral voice what he is going thru and how hurtful/spiteful her words are. Then, I would SPAM her emails and not read/answer it. Or you can read it and delete it. When sis becomes mature, your husband can renew his relationship with her. Maybe, as a friend of hers, you can find out why she's so spiteful. Perhaps she's resentful that she alerted you of mom's nearing the end, and she expected you all there to be with her and was disappointed. Now she's taking out her anger / resentment to him by her spiteful email. So how much do you value her in your life? You can shrug it and move on without her. Or you work at it by talking with her and try to overcome the fallout.