Should I be concerned if my sister does not want to share POA duties?

My father's attorney told us if the POA is shared, BOTH signatures are required for financial & health documents. My sister & I live 1000's of miles away so that is not feasible. Like your sister, I have POA for my father. I am responsible for his care 24/7, pay all his bills, make his medical appointments, refill & give him his meds, provide 3 meals a day & even more. This is my take. Whoever is the caregiver for that parent (& there's usually only sibling willing to do this) should have the POA. Has your father changed is POA over to your sister? And can you really trust the word of your father who has a POA because of some diminished capacity? My sister exhausted me with her constant criticisms, judgments & accusations that may be why your sister does not want you involved. So are you the caregiver? Just be ready to step up to the plate if you want POA.

I totally agree with NancyH with one exception. If he is not competent to appoint her, he is not competent to do anything else. You need to take action NOW. If she will not share information then something is going on that is not in your father's best interest. Go to your County's Elder Care Services and have action taken to make whatever your sister is doing a matter of public record. This has to be done to protect your Dad, and the rest of your family.

This is the part of life that I cannot stand. Hateful and jealous feelings abound over a family member's estate. This should be a time for a family to come together to care for each other, not fight over who does what, gets what. These are things that I REFUSE to argue over and there should be no argument with your sister, and if there is, then she is surely up to something no good,and it must be stopped. Take action to make it right NOW.

Be Well - Sue

If your sister is not forthcoming with ALL actions concerning transactions made on behalf of your father, then she is not acting in your father's best interest, PERIOD. You must take legal action NOW to protect what is left of your father's estate.

It may be, in this case better for an outside disinterested party to be appointed as your father's advocate.

In general, I think it is best for one person to have POA, with a backup. Often these are not decisions that can be easily be made by a committee. But not having an officially shared POA is one thing; not discussing and asking for input informally is something else. I'm sorry that your sister has decided to be so controlling in this role. That she won't give you a key to the house that you are supposed to be helping clean is sad. She has to expect that if she doesn't trust you enough to clean on your own as time permits that you are not going to be able to contribute much in that way. Her rules, her problem.

Did your mother want to pay the hospital bills? Or was she able to make sensible decisions at that point? Did she have homeowner insurance that might have paid it? Would she have been in trouble with the insurance company for having an uninsured worker on her property? I think we'd need to know the circumstances around the decision for us to judge whether that was appropriate or not. Also, many parents do compensate their caregivers (including their children) for various expenses during their caregiver roles. Some have a care agreement and pay for the caring itself. So again, it is hard to say that offering to compensate you with Mother's funds was absoutely wrong.

The amount of distrust in this situation is sad. Your father apparently did not trust his daughter to take care of his ex-wife's funds. He communicated that distrust to you. In spite of that, he let her have his POA. (Perhaps, as you say, under undue influence.) You now don't trust your sister to manage his finances propertly without you looking over her shoulder. Your sister doesn't trust you with a key to his house. Sad, sad, sad. If you both want to salvage the relationship you have/could have, perhaps family therapy could help. It doesn't look like you're going to get very far without some outside help on that issue. Your sister is going to be around long after your dad is. Would it be worth it to try to work on this relationship?

Who is seeing to Dad's day-to-day needs? Is he living in this disaster of a house or is he in long-term care? He sounds depressed. Is that being addressed? I don't know what his current state is, but dementia is progressive and it is likely he won't always be able to live on his own, if he is now. Does he have lots of resources and assets to pay for his care?

Too much unknown here to be very specific with advice. My heart goes out to you and to your sister. Caregiving an elder is hard enough, without other family conflict.s

I hope you can resolve this and restore harmony.

I suppose it would be possible to get the POA declared invalid on the grounds that he was not legally competent to make that kind of decision at the time it was made. Then what? Do you want the courts to appoint someone to look after his finances and other business issues? If he wasn't competent to appoint Sister, he wouldn't be competent to appoint you.

Mams96, once again I say been there, done that. If sister wants to do most of it, then let her. Your first resp. is to your children and your husband. I'm not sure I would clean the house if I didn't have a key. Good grief is she going to watch your every move while you are in the house? I surely know the problem. She acts just like my sister. I do the grunt work, she tells me what to do, I do it.

Mams96, where do I start? This is about the dynamics of your family. Why would your father insinuate he did not trust your sister and then give her his financial POA? Why would she flip out on you for just wanting to be included in the care of your parent and have the knowledge of his finances?

I am in a similar situation. What I have learned is this. My mom likes playing these power games with her two children. My brother is on an ego trip and always has been. And I am the scapegoat of the family and always treated this way.

My advice to you is, at this point, if you are not included in at the very least calm discussions with your sister, do not clean the house or anything else. If you are not good enough to know what is going on with all parts of your father's care, then back out.

I suspect she is hiding something, or maybe she has always liked being "in control". Explain to your father how you feel and what is going on. If nothing changes, do nothing. I have tried for four years to get mom to put me on her POA as alternate in case I have to take over at some point in the future. She has only my brother on her POA and no one to fill his shoes if he dies. She refuses, even going to the point of making up lies about me as to why she won't do this.

Like the saying, "oh, what webs we weave, when we pratice to deceive." I think your sister is hiding something. Unless there is clear and open communication, back off, don't clean the house or anything else. She will use and abuse you. But like many have already said, she is in complete control and doesn't have to share anything with you. But she can be made accountable for what she spends and how she spends it. It sounds as if your relationship is somewaht like I have with my brother. As long as I defer to him and give him due respect, he is lovely. But if he is not in charge, well.......everyone look out.

In the end you have control of only you. You may not agree with me, but in my case I will do nothing until I am included and made to feel like a sister/daugher in my family. Otherwise I would feel used and that is not going to happen. Good luck.

I just don't believe that a family exists where siblings agree on everything pertaining to their elderly parents. It just doesn't make sense to me. All families have issues that resurface under the stress of aging parents and especially parents with assets.
The more assets the more conflict. I take care of my mother and I don't have poa. I think it is better for a good attorney to have the poa and be the executor of the will. It cuts down on alot of conflict and doesn't put one child on a pedestal. I have two siblings who rarely come see my mother. They tried to say both of my parents were legally incompetent. Turns out that my dad, who had dementia, wasn't considered incompetent because you could ask him a question and he knew what he wanted. I don't think it's that easy to find someone incompetent. Is there another family member that you could have handle all of this? Your health issues are soooo much more important than dealing with this junk. I'd call the authorities if you are concerned that your sister is taking advantage, but I can tell you that my two siblings believe that about me and it couldn't be further from the truth. Hang in there and remember in the end it's still just money.

Not worth making yourself sick over. If your sister is doing what you suspect then she will have to live with that the rest of her life. You just don't need the stress of dealing with this stuff. That's all i'm trying to say. Sometimes we have to just let things be or we'll get sucked into a maelstrom. Praying for you!

Careful, your opinion should make the attorneys out there very happy. As you know, they charge quite a bit for their services. There is an article on this site about a mother who did just that. It was a nightmare. The root of many problems on this site is the lack of communication, not money. Most people don't have that much money to fight over.

People will fight over all kinds of stuff from pets to dishes to cars to the kitchen sink. My mother's will cost $500 to draw up and then at her death the executor, who is the attorney, will get $3000 of her assets. It's what a family member would have gotten if they had been executor. I think that everyone has to make their own choice, but I just personally don't think that family can be trusted anymore than an attorney. It's always the last one you'd expect too!