Sister at wits' end caring for our 90 Y/O Father. Any ideas?

Faveron; It no longer matters what your father wants or thinks. (Well, it does, but leaving things as they are is no longer one of the choices)

You can give him choices of two facilities, but living with your sister is no longer an option as in "that's not one of the choices, dad; you need more care than family can give you now".

I just want to commend you for caring about her well being, because I am looking after TWO parents in their nineties and my family could care less. They tell me what a terrible life I have - and do nothing to help. If you can get him in a nursing home for respite, that would give time to sort everything out and let sister get some needed rest.

First of all, I am sorry for this situation. Secondly, I can relate to your sister and I truly appreciate your concern for her and your dad.

I have two brothers that are barely involved in my mom’s life or mine. So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I have cared for my mom with Parkinson’s for 14 years in my home.

Your dad cannot be alone. Your sister is burned out and has health issues. This is a necessary placement. He will adjust and everyone can visit him. Take care and best wishes to you and your family.

Favreon, I have noticed that elders that are of your Dad's generation are terrified of "homes" because they remember when they were children or teenagers, what happened when an elder relative needed to go into a "home". Back then, pretty much all that was available were county asylums, which were difficult because medicine back then didn't understand someone who had memory issues. Thus, that person was placed with others who had serious mental health issues.

Of course, that isn't the case in today's world. Modern medicine has advanced and so has nursing homes. We now have "Assisted Living" which in many places are more like living in a hotel.... having meals in a restaurant style dining room.... everyone having their own private apartment, etc.

Has your Dad ever visited an "Assisted Living" facility? He might be pleasantly surprised. After my Dad visited a senior facility, he was ready to pack and move in. He couldn't wait to be around people of his own age group [also in his 90's, still was sharp, but a major fall risk].

When living with a parent to be their caregiver what happens is the adult/child dynamics. Your Dad still views your sister as a much younger person who can still do everything. My parents did the same with me.

Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers will die leaving behind the love one they were caring... those are not good odds. Then what? Then Dad moves into Assisted Living, but your sister is no longer around :(

Like your sister, I was ready to drive my car off a bridge because everything became so overwhelming, and here I wasn't even hands-on, but logistical. And here your sister is doing both.

For those parents who dig in their heels and refuse to move, usually we have to wait for a serious illness or fall to get the ball rolling. It goes 911, hospital, rehab, Assisted Living, or in my Mom's case Long-Term-Care.

Please help your sister. This has gone on for over two years already. She's been reaching out (those texts) and now it is at the point where something MUST be done. Has she been doing this on her own or are there other caregivers?

If your dad was going to go to assisted living, then I assume he can afford to pay for care. Figure out what the quickest way to lift this burden from your sister will be -- possibly hiring someone from an agency at least temporarily, so that she can step away.

Then getting him evaluated to see whether he can still do assisted living or whether he needs skilled nursing. And then get him moved. Whether he wants to or not. He cannot stay where he is and impact your sister's health this way.

If your close enough to go talk to dad yourself that's where I would start. Have a conversation with him, without your sister and let him know you are worried about your sister. Remind him of her medical/physical problems and let him know what your see, she wants so much to honor dads wishes she is overwhelming herself...and enlist his help in figuring out what could be done to help. Maybe her will come up with the idea he should move out maybe you will have to throw it out but at least give him the chance to "take care" of her before taking steps to force the issue. He may be oblivious to the strain he is putting on her and she may be helping to keep him in the dark about it by representing everything is great, no problem to dad.

Good luck, you are doing your part by caring for your sister and not just turning a deaf ear to her and I know she appreciates that and feels supported don't make the mistake of thinking this in any way is your fault for not taking him in. We all make our own decisions.

She needs for him to be in respite, immediately. This is no longer about what he wants. It's about what she can/cant do.

You need to figure out a way to get dad an evaluation of his care needs. Call his doctor, the Area Agency on Aging and find out how to get this done quickly. Dont hesitate to say that your sister is having thoughts of self harm.