Have many of you been single and taken on the job of full time caregiver?

I'm single and no kids. The last guy I met on a dating site told me - in a sarcastic way- 'well your parents come first.'
I just read a study that said when a man has an illness, his wife or girlfriend will stick with him, but the same is not true for women who have an illness.
I feel that the same may be for female caregivers. I have stopped trying. I don't have the energy to even go on a date, frankly. My health is worse too.
(Just because a family member has Alzheimer's doesn't mean you will have it too.)
I really feel for those of you who are dealing with dementia, as my parents are just now starting to show some signs. I know it is really rough to deal with a brain disorder and the mood swings.
I also think that it's good to know right off the bat what type of character you are dealing with - I know people who never wanted to help look after anyone else, and now they need help and want people to look after them! Not the kind of guy I would want.

Dear Jazmine,
You are worthy of dating and love. If I were a single man,(I'm a married woman), I would think the opposite! You are obviously a very caring and giving person. Just because your mom has Alzheimer's, doesn't mean you will get it. I agree with your thoughts on genetic testing. I wouldn't want to live with the knowledge that I would most likely get the same disease. This is definitely a case where ignorance is bliss.
It sounds like you have sacrificed a great deal to take care of your mom. For that you should feel proud! What you are doing should be applauded and I wish you could appreciate yourself the way you deserve to be appreciated. Sometimes in life we have to be our own cheerleader. Try to keep that in mind when you're feeling down. Don't beat yourself up, lift yourself up! If caregivers were rewarded monetarily they would all be very rich. Unfortunately, most are very under appreciated. This online forum has given me a lot of encouragement. I try to look at it everyday. It buoys my spirit, especially on those "down days" we caregivers all have. I often remember what my dad used to tell us. "This too shall pass". It helps me get through those days when I feel like i can't do this another day!
Hang in there. You're not alone.

So great to hear I am not alone when it comes to this dilemma! I too am single and caring for my mom afflicted with ALZ. Dating at this point is off the table for me or rather I'm not actively looking to date since caregiving takes a great deal of commitment. I do believe there is a season for everything and we may THINK we'll never find a mate, but I'm a firm believer that God already has a destined plan and time for us all (and perhaps mate!) :)

If you meet someone who is compassionate and has a busy life themselves it can work. Difficult to find a young person with those traits, but it may be easier to find such traits in a more mature person.

I'm single and have only recently started caregiving. I am resentful because I was done raising my kids and now I am doing this. yes, it's honorable but dang it sucks. I do not feel attractive any longer and I am so depressed I don't care to make myself attractive so I cannot imagine dating right now. If I did have a date, something would inevitably happen to get in the way. I am trying to have faith that there's a reason for where I am right now. I try to do little things like get special food my dad likes and maybe those little things add up. Kudos to you or anyone who can have a relationship right now. I don't think I could handle it.

I am single and live with my parents. My mother is 77 and has just regular aging issues. Dad is 83 with CHF and has just been put on oxygen at night. For me it kind of happened naturally. My sister lives out of state and my brother lives in the UK. I am a crime survivor. I moved back home with my parents to recuperate. by the time I was back on my feet, Dad was slowing down and Mom had been in the hospital with a nasty bout of pneumonia. i decided to go to graduate school and it was much easier living at home. My parents and I (thank God) get alone very well. Dad can't do steps and Mom prefers not to, so if i need some time away I can just go upstairs. I also have a dog who is my BFF, and she is a therapy dog so I volunteer with her. One of the things I had hoped to gain at grad school was more of a social network but my university is HUGE, and being a part time commuter student I am not really down there enough to make friends. I do have a few friends that I see occasionally but I can relate to the person who said "who would date me?" If I met someone my parents would probably be delighted but i would not abandon them for him. i just think relationships take a lot of work and I just don't have it in me right now.

I'm single and I have been taking care of my mom the past few years. I definitely understand where you are coming from. I am just now trying to restart my social life. Being a caregiver is an admirable thing. I have been told this by others. Just be sure to take time out for yourself if you can. They have respite care. Don't forget you only have one life.
I wouldn't worry about Alzheimer's. That's something that could potentially affect anyone. Plus they are doing research in that area. Best wishes!

I too am single. Although I do get help from family to care for both of my parents, a lot is on Me. I also have a full time job so any free time is spent helping my parents. I tell my family member I need a break and every once in awhile I take one day on a weekend for myself. Sometimes it's just to catch up on errands and every once in awhile I'll see a friend but my free time is limited and I'm so tired I don't even feel like doing much. It's hard to start a relationship under these conditions but not having someone to myself during this stressful time is very lonely

A friend of mine hooked me up on FaceBook. Now I can keep in touch with people I used to be able to hang out with. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it helps. The focus of the Facebook posts is more about the positive side of things. We share photos, them of vacations, me of my yard and my cat Ruby, Dad sleeping in his chair. Folks forward videos that are funny, sweet, reassuring.

I am also single, never married, no kids. I am Mom's caregiver 24/7. I don't date simply because I've not found respite care. Can't even get out for lunch with friends!
DO NOT tell yourself you are unworthy, especially for being a caregiver. I fell into that way of thinking very young when I was diagnosed with lupus. "Who would want to be burdened with me?" This is one of my biggest regrets! It is easy to slip into that thought process. Don't let yourself! And take a lesson from me - do not let your mom take over your world. Get someone to help early on and preserve your freedom and sanity.

I'm the sole caregiver to my mom, who has Alzheimer's and a disabled brain injured brother. Up until 5 years ago, I helped Mom care for my brother. She did most of the work, as I worked all day. I quit work 6 years ago to be more hands on. Mom was officially diagnosed over 4 years ago. However, I took over the reins of caring for my brother and her 5 years ago.

My social life is virtually nonexistent. I haven't had a conversation with anyone for months. Mom makes no sense when she speaks. She is also extremely hard of hearing. She ruined her hearing aid by running it under the tap for who knows how long. My brother has severe aphasia and is only able to speak maybe 3 words at a time, if he's lucky. I can go for hours without hearing the sound of my own voice. Family and friends no longer contact me.

At times, it's a lonely existence. However, I would not change the past 5 years. I cannot change my brother's and mother's situation. But, I can make it more bearable for them. As long as I'm able to care for them both, I won't send either to a NH.

Having a relationship with anyone is not even on the table for me. I would not expect anyone to take on this responsibility. If I survive both my mom and brother, my life will definitely become different. Then and only then, I might consider finding a companion.

Hi all - for Jazmine, the original question, really seems to be about whether you get to be a full individual. I think that you are not getting to be. If you've come here for clarity or something like permission, you'll find it all over this site. I am single too, no kids, and not yet in a caregiving position for my mom who's 83 and who would like to take up my time so she'd be less lonely. So I relate to her only when I feel like it. I'm sure that sounds mean. ;) venting is a good way to start, and now some planning, too. This is my outlook: when you're alone you have to be selfish and carve a discreet identity. You have no special excuse or reason to have plans or be tied up, so you have to create them and fulfill those goals and timeslots, and keep them sanctified. You don't apologize or explain, and yield only if something unusual and important is going on. You've lost so,e ground, and that was gradual, claiming yourself back will be gradual but you must and you will. :)
Worriedabout, you can do it. You know you need another path! Good luck to all of you/us.

Exercise makes me feel better too. It's so hot here in Texas, I have to do it either really early in the morning or later in the evening. I wish I could go to a gym again but my back issues won't allow me to do that. Even walking my dog help with my mindset.

I'm single, never married, no children. I have been the sole caregiver for both my mom and dad. But they have lived in independent living (dad 9 years before he died) and mom for 13 going on 14 years. It has taken a lot of time and emotional energy, but nowhere near as much as with a live-in parent with Alzheimers. You guys are in another class of caregiver.

I have only started to feel happy again, once I rediscovered the joys of physical exercise. When I'm feeling upset/frustrated or angry, I'm able to play pickleball until I'm tired and those emotions are gone. Now I'm also taking up golf with my pickleball "posse" and I'm thrilled. Physical exercise has saved my life and my soul. It makes me happy. I was lost for years and now I've found my spark again. I'm even starting to think about guys again...but haven't done anything more than think about it so far. But I feel so much healthier and happier with physical exercise that I love.

Worriedaboutdad, I am in the same boat. I divorced my hubs, we were in a bad relationship to begin with then he moved his widowed 90 year old father in with us. That was 2 years ago.
I lived by myself for a year but moved back in w/ ex ( I know, I know), but I was extremely lonely and had no real social outlet or support. I wanted to still help out with his dad still, cooking meals, plus we have a dofg and 2 cats whom I love very much ( I love them more than I do hubs and dad), but now I feel the same as you-everything evolved around dad. His dad was amean mouthed emotional abuser to his wifeand ex is the same way with me.
I'm making plans to move up to my home and be with my family, around people who care for me,my mental health is at stake. I haven't decided to drive or fly up to Illinois from Texas. It's a very long drive- I'm thinking 3 days.
I just get emotionally abused and called stupid the other day when he had freinds over. He made me look like a fool. I have no interests in his life.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you worriedaboutdad, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm torn between thinking that I did something stupid for moving back or commendable for wanting to help him with his dad.
I'm resentful and I really don't feel appreciated these days,. I don't event talk to his dad anymore because he can't hear anyway although he wears a hearing aid.
I'm open to suggestions on what is the best way to get out of here. My finances are limited because I'mon disability for my back. I think this relationship is exascerbating my back issues so I want to see if I'll find relief by leaving.
good luck to you worried.

Im single but not because of mum i have no money to go out and i know very few people here in this one horse town! It is harder doing this when theres noone to share it with but then i dont know how dating would work out if i had to care for mum 24/7 no i cant see that working at all! shed have to be ina NH before youd even have time to date!

I think the fact that you care about your mum should be a plus to any guy if not hes not worth it! i would think alot of a guy who nursed his mother it says ALOT about what kind of a person he is! i have no problems telling someone i look after my mum if they have a problem with this then they are not meant to be in my life! Also how do we really know that this illness is hereditary?? mum has Vascular dementia from not looking after her diabetes theres no way im going to get dementia because i look after myself she didnt.
Get out there and live your life and stuff what people think any guy that had a problem with my "job" at the moment isnt worth dating! Worrying about will i or wont i get this illness will put you in an early grave anyway! "if you worry you die and youre going to die anyway so why worry?".

I'm a single father also taking care of my father with Alzheimer's full-time. I don't really have a good answer for you. Our situation certainly creates a big challenge. I'm not looking for someone to help take care of my father, that's the responsibility that I've taken on.

I would say keep up faith that you will find the right person for you.

I think being a committed caregiver is a real testament to your character, and a mature, loving man should count that as a desirable quality. If you had children and were dating, you would have every right to expect that any man you date seriously would come to love your children as much as you do. I think it's fair to expect the same for your parents. Family is family, and dating is how we determine if someone is worth adding to our family. How that person responds to our aging parents will be a good indication of how they treat us when we have needs.

But I know that's idealistic! And it's hard to find a genuine, caring, selfless man. It's even harder when your schedule is so consumed with caregiving. But don't lower your standards. And don't consider yourself undesirable.

I think that being a long-term full-time sole caregiver for a parent is a recipe for being single.

I came into my relationship knowing that my FIL lived with my husband, had boundless energy and empathy (and love!) for my partner's dad, and managed to keep it on a day to day basis for close to two years.

An odd thing happened. Caring for him slowly, almost imperceptibly, became my job. It happened little by little. He also flourished. All of my time and energy and love became sucked up and served to make him suddenly seem perfectly healthy, even though mentally he continued to decline.

I noticed that my health began to falter. It almost seemed like the world became centered around him, and my life was and is now best described as an hourglass. To care for him, to dote on him, steadily requires more and more and more and more so that the hourglass turns and fills his side and depletes mine to nothing.

If I pull away in an attempt to restore any part of my side, SOMETHING will invariably happen, or rather HE will sense the shift and purposely do something that adds an entirely new load of obligation and responsibility at my feet, turning the hourglass back to his side again.

My relationship with my husband is, sadly, not about our love and the joy of discovering and existing with each other. It has become all about his father.

If I knew then what I know now, I never, EVER would have become involved with my husband. I would have run like hell in the other direction. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of doom that will only end in my demise, either broken and through divorce or buried 6 feet under.

My father-in-law is going to bury me, kick some dirt on my grave and move on without the faintest care for having completely destroyed a life that really should never have been this involved with him to begin with under even the best of circumstances.

I actually met my SO while caring for my Mom...it was something that we had in common. We met on "Yahoo Personals" 15 years ago. We helped each other, then after my Mom passed away, I moved in with him and now we care for his Mom (she's 91). It is possible, I'm living proof!

venting helps so....

I think that it's very true about dating someone with any kind of 'disability' (and, I'm including caregiving in this)... But, with that said, I think it's actually a good 'test' to see if someone is serious about dating you and that can be a benefit. Why waste you're time with someone that isn't 'sincere'. I'm in the same boat as you, and I want someone with empathy... I don't want (or have the time) to 'waste' on someone who really 'isn't into' me. So, I wouldn't worry about it... It may even help meeting someone who more fits who you are and it could be a Blessing.

Being your mom's caregiver doesn't make you unworthy to date. Being a caregiver isn't a character flaw or a negative personality trait. But as you know, caregiving can and often does interfere with our personal lives.

I cared for my dad at home for 5 years and I had a difficult enough time being able to have lunch with friends or go to a party. The last year or so of my caregiving I just gave up doing anything social because caregiving took so much out of me it was just easier to not do social things. As for dating, I could never consider it. Being able to go to lunch once a month with a friend was difficult enough. Being able to go out on dates several times a week was impossible.

Now that my caregiving has ended I'm not sure if I would date a man who was caring for his parent 24/7. I know it sounds harsh but having been a 24/7 caregiver I know that the life of a caregiver is not his/her own. I'm just not sure I'd want to get tangled up in all of that.