Have many of you been single and taken on the job of full time caregiver?

Hi! I first and foremost want to say that I have great respect for what you are doing. I am 50 yrs and a mother of three grown children and 2 grandchildren. Being that they are out of the state I took a very special job as a nanny for a wonderful family. Now that he is aging and I'm not needed as much I am thinking of making a change and I feel like being a caregiver to an elderly man or woman with issues would be a real blessing for me. I know what's involved as I've had several grandparents who have suffered with Alzheimer's. I am in Virginia and don't know what would be the best way to search for the perfect family. Please feel free to give any advice! Thank you so much!

Yes I am single and taken on my mums care. Currently she only needs escorting to places and generaly keeping an eye on her. However this ties me to where im living, which is not a place I would stay in for good. I am 60 years old and no sign of ever being able to meet someone. I have given up my life in a way to my mother and If I d realised how it was going to go I wouldn't have done it as I did. I v also ended up being there when my older sister got very ill and died yes you saw right my older sister!
I v only just woken up to wlat I have done to myself and now feel annoyed at myself mum dioesnt appreciate it and puts me down intront of others although doenst think she does. she did this towards my friend so she should know.
hmm iv woken up though and am applying to do a degree at uni but am not sure I v been wise enough to pick the right degree........help

Wow - what a blessing to have found this site, this question! I am a single, childless caregiver for my Mom who has Parkinson's. Relocated from my home of 40 years to live with her full time after she fell and broke her hip three years ago. My brother lives in the same city as us but is still working, has a family and let's face it wanted to leave her in the NH she was rehabing from her broken hip in. Some men just don't have a caregiving gene. He and his wife give lip service to giving me respite but I am essentially here 24-7 with no job, no transportation,no health insurance, no social life etc. Mom is at that point where she is like a child ( I haven't gotten a baby monitor - yet but it's on my list) I can't be on the phone or the computer or reading in front of her. I've been looking for a caregiver support group that meets at a time I can go, which is how I found this site. The most depressing thing is that I now realize after three years this is as good as it is going to get because she will only become bedridden and get dementia as time goes on and I do not want to put her in a nursing home. (can't handle it emotionaly /financially) Just feels good that I am not alone. Thanks everyone for sharing. PS A relationship? who has time or energy!

Alice, please look into a support group. What about Best Buddies or special Olympics....something bro can participate in and ypu can meet people that you can relate to.

Alice, huge respect to you. I'm wondering, if you've been doing this for a long time, have you got so good at it that you've never felt the need of a support network? Or are most Down Syndrome caregivers parent-carers, so that you don't relate to them easily? Loneliness can be a terrible thing, I don't feel it's something you can or should just shrug off. Isn't there any kind of group near you you could reach out to?

I'm single, 69 years old and have been full-time caregiver for my Downs Syndrome brother who has alzheimers. This is by choice however I feel totally isolated, have no friends, no phone calls. I'm content with my life but am extremely lonely. Nonetheless it is rewarding for me to care for a loved one and attempt to make their time here comfortable.

Well ash i think any men youve met like this have been badly burnt in the past and now all they want is what you say? a genuine guy wants love and companionship just as much as we do personallly i dont date older men what id have in common with them i dont know? my age or a few years older! also never tell a man about your finances until youve sussed him out first. I met a very rich man once he said women were only after him for his money!!!!!! so stop flashing your money then a**hole!

Anyone find that older, mature or elderly men (whatever you'd like to call it). though wanting companionship are basically looking for a cook, cleaner, housekeeper and perhaps money?

God bless. I'm in a similar situation, though I'm not a full-time caregiver right now. While my dad was so ill, I was with him almost 24-7 while my mom continued to work part- time to pay the bills. I've been single, without children for about 7 years. I feel like I'm the one they always call on because they think I have no responsibilities. No, I don't date; it just doesn't interest me at this point in lilfe-after going through a messy divorce and feeling like a failure for so long. Good luck to you.

Squeaky, that's a dream come true right there. : )

I had a client that was single and she met a plumber because her mom kept clogging the toilet. The plumber was also single and caring for his mom. She and he hit it off so they had his coworker do her repairs the next time and they dated. Felt that dating another caregiver was so helpful in understanding the commitment and strain. They ended up getting married and had both mothers in the same house (yes crazy) but it worked. They didn't have to leave for date night or if they did, they hired a sitter who was ok with 2 people for 2-3 hours at night.

(chiming in here after reading everyone's posts)
There's pro's and con's to everything. We have to balance things as best as possible... sometimes, we have to 'force' this balance into place... I'm trying also... Forcing myself to 'engage' with others (with no ulterior motives)... And, pleasantly meeting some very nice people in my neighborhood... refreshing and healthy to get out of our 'box'.

I'm a long-ish distance caregiver for my mother, married, and work full time. No kids, but one dog. No maid. Even without my mother's various daily tasks and crises that I handle, I still spend the majority of my time away from work doing chores and keeping up with my own daily life. My husband is emotionally supportive, and can pick up slack when it's necessary, but 99% of this stuff falls on me. Sometimes he'll become outraged at something I have to do for my mother, and practically yell at me not to do it. But not doing whatever it is will only make the problem worse, so there are times when I don't tell him things.
Re: social life/dating/quality time with your significant other -- Lol!!! This must be similar to the shock that new parents must feel. Neither my husband nor I have much energy or desire to be romantic, or to entertain friends. We've grown closer, and probably have grown up, in ways we didn't anticipate -- so that's not a bad thing. But a few days ago, for instance, some friends came over, and we were hoping they'd cancel! But they didn't. We had a nice time, but they stayed a bit too late for me. And then Monday was back to work, and I was just exhausted, and thought "I don't want to have people over anytime soon again." We both fantasize about getting away, whatever that might entail. But there's no getting away for us until my mother is finally in Assisted Living. THEN, believe me, I will do something to celebrate!

Date it's your only outlet it's okay to be a little selfish. You don't know what's going to happen to you later in life try and enjoy it now while you're single.

sherry1, oh, heartbreaking, and so hard for you. I can feel that pain just reading your story, hers and yours.

It's pretty amazing what all of us endure here! Yes, Countrymouse, I hope we do all find a way out somehow. I just hope the light at the end of all our tunnels isn't THE light at the end of the proverbial tunnel!

Frisky, frisky? What's that - it's been so long, I forgot - the baby monitor is our constant companion. Even turning it off it seems like she might wake up with another night terror - we had guests last Friday night and turned it off for about an hour when I heard a wail coming from the second monitor in our bedroom as I went to the bathroom. She was soaking in sweat and clammy - another night terror.

Snap, Corn! I'm right up a financial gum-tree too; only I suppose I feel I got myself into this, and once it's all over (may she live forever, but…) I'll have to find a way out. Somehow... :/

Worried, that's awful - what a ruined evening. I would suggest something practical like getting a weekend away, but even if you could then what happens to spontaneity? Worse than children: at least those you can put over your shoulder and take firmly back to their beds. (Now I've made myself giggle imagining DH doing that to your FIL). I suppose all you can do is remember that it's equally disappointing for both of you, and rub each other's shoulder blades?

Ugh, worriedaboutdad, that sounds so incredibly awful and frustrating. Will DH not take the reins with dad and walk him back to his own room telling him firmly you two need time alone? Or can you not go to your locked bedroom and ignore dad no matter what? I know it might be easier said than done, but this is definitely the way for resentment to increase. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

It is so true that dementia causes a return to needy childhood in its sufferers. My mother has a very hard time with me talking on the phone, very similar to a small child. And so we are the ones who lose out on what we need so often, it is true.

And countrymouse, thanks again for a laugh, omg, that is so funny; in the middle of the night no less he thought you'd want to know that. But I do understand what you mean about priorities and do understand, especially in light of worriedaboutdad's comment, that couples need to think really carefully about priorities. But I was thinking in terms of being a single person with few other options.

I'll add something more to the pot, here.

The other night, my DH and I had a mutual, unspoken desire to be frisky. We had not had any quality romantic time in months. Literally, months. My FIL has taken to becoming passive-aggressive to the point where it is so obvious it is almost laughable, only it always comes at our expense. We put some music on, lit a candle, had barely begun to talk and really just enjoy a night to ourselves and out comes dad, DH tried to head him off at the door, and his dad just walked right past him and made himself comfortable on another sofa and began his usual routine of sadness, head-shaking, lamenting, began almost crying. Meanwhile, I was sitting there like a little kid with my hands in my lap, understanding that our evening was lost. I eventually convinced him to go inside so I could put one of his netflix movies on. I set him up with drink, snack, the closed captions, HECK. Everything.
DH and I tried very hard to restart what had been the budding of something VERY good for our relationship with each other. And we managed to relax after a half hour, started to get frisky, it was oh so wonderful and so, SO overdue. And then come BRIGHT LIGHTS inside, his dad standing right on the other side of the door, exposing us to my horror, he acts like he doesn't see us but spends a ridiculous time in that room for no reason. All ruined.
Sorry. Just try to imagine what that feels like, for two middle-aged adults to feel so guilty and childlike for having a moment to themselves.
There is so much, SO MUCH, that just becomes ruined. For me, going from feeling like a grown-up to entering a situation where the adults feel like children and any manner of actions from an older person with dementia, who you want to take care of, robs you of the most basic feelings of privacy, it is just awful. And when I express unhappiness and want us to get our own place to have our own space, it is met with shame and guilt because I don't care as much about his parent as I would a biological parent.
It is so, so hard to have a normal life with normal limits when dementia just puts you in a whole new playing field and the spouse or partner is always going to have patience for situations that wear away at the other person and change the normal meter until they either leave or become severely depressed.
A couple should be centered. If one person, despite all the love in the world, realizes that the situation will always remain incredibly one sided, it should be expected that this is a breeding ground for future resentment and problems in a relationship.

ROFL CM!!!! I'm sorry, but that post has me just rolling in laughter!!

My ex used to be *very* fond of calling me while he's "indisposed" (ie: in the bathroom) so that I can hear everything he's doing. I think it was his passive-aggressive way of telling me what he thought of me.

Yes, but Cornucopia that's true of almost everything! Money doesn't buy happiness my eye! - well maybe, but it buys an awful lot of fun and freedom from worry, doesn't it just?

But I meant in the context of relationships, about priorities. There are people who put their SOs first, and there are people who put their parents first. Either is a valid choice for a person to make, although I think marriage vows are supposed to trump that; and I suppose in the model, married family the person and spouse could together choose to care for the parents (good luck to 'em); but it must show what's more important to you. Of course in the perfect world we wouldn't allow people to have to choose between things they love.

My ex SO sent me a text at twenty to four this morning saying he's feeling much better now that he's passing wind (he's in hospital, post-op, to be fair). Phew, 'cos I was lying awake worrying about that…

Corn, you know what? I'm really not in a hurry to start looking for another one!!!

This is certainly a discouraging thread, so I want to add a little lightness. I've been divorced for 5 years and have tons of baggage on top of being a caregiver. I'm not overly attractive, though I'm not ugly either. What I have found is that there are a lot of men and women looking for companionship. I have two friends that I could date, though I'm not really interested. I need friends more than dates, to tell the truth. Both of them lost their wives to cancer, so were caregivers themselves. There are also men who have never married. I went out with one of these men twice and quickly learned why he couldn't keep a lady interested in him!

But anyway... there are a lot of potential mates out there. Women are brought up with this idea that once they are past a certain age, no one wants them. That is about as true as what they used to tell women about having all their babies before 30 or they would have babies with birth defects. What "they" do to women's self-esteem is really unforgivable. The truth is that women can have babies as long as their body is able and that there are a lot of available men out there looking for a mature woman. The world is not Mad Men (1950s) anymore.

A comment on "Country Mouse"'s above statement that "if you choose to put your parent ahead of current or prospective relationships, it shows where your priorities lie." Sorry to have to disagree, but priorities can be created by realities that we often have little control over. Sit down with me sometime and I'll be glad to enumerate them, most of them come down to lack of funds. Honey, if I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd have all the freedom I wanted. And both I and my mother would be much happier. However, I do think your comment about the restaurant industry collapsing is very funny! Thanks for a laugh.

I'm married, but I'm it as far as care-giving. My husband is kind and considerate and will take all kinds of burdens off of me, but the care-giving is 99% my job. I transferred most of my work to my home computer and work only 1 day per week. I can still get away to go grocery shopping or for a Dr.s appt, but I see the day fast approaching that I will not be able to leave her alone even for a few hours. My social life is a big Zero and we have the baby monitor by our computers and by the bed. I can't imagine doing this alone without my husband's help in taking care of our business and taking care of me. My heart goes out to all of you who are going it alone.

So sad and yet so comforting to read that there are so many of us in this position. I have been over 5 years with no life to speak of of my own. I often wonder, like "worried about dad" above why it is that my life is allowed to be consumed by my mother's needs. I am single also, alone with no other family to help either and it is actually very scary to think that I'll eventually be alone without anyone at all to even guide care for me. I do not have freedom to go and meet anyone. I have tried; I've tried to get some respite care and tried some internet dating, but being upfront about being a caregiver is enough to make people run screaming in the other direction. Either that or they tell you that there is something really wrong with you for not dumping your parent into a nursing home (with no interest in knowing why you haven't, just blaming you for not). I've found this to be a very, very frightening and exhausting, not to mention painfully lonely, experience.

As someone else also said above, friends drop by the wayside when you're in our situation. I've learned who my real friends are. I guess that might apply to men also; that a man who was worthwhile would try to just see me for me and not for the prison I'm in; in fact, might want to help me escape from it to some extent by being emotionally there instead of running. Have not met anyone who can, or is willing, to do that. I highly doubt I will.

I think we feel unattractive because, frankly we are. Caregiving gradually sucks the life out of us and we let ourselves go. I know I have. There's never any time for us. My mother is in a NH, has been for 18 months, yet I've been there four days out of the last five fixing one thing after another. The day I wasn't at the NH my handyman/helper guy was here in the morning and in the afternoon I took my tiny off the road rescue kitty to the vet for a check up. My house is filthy and the gardens need some work. ll I've achieved this week, apart from caring for my animals, is mowing (2 acres).

Here I sit in old shorts and a tshirt, hair sticking up and I don't have the ambition to do much of anything this afternoon. I am DONE and I will not be going to the NH for at least a week, if not more. Now to give myself a shake, do some cleaning and take a shower. It;'s lovely outside and after my shower I'll pour a glass of wine and veg out on the deck taking in the peace and quiet across the fields.

I have been divorced for over 13 years now, was a single parent for all 13 years until my father passed away and I moved in with my mother, which forced my adult kids to finally move out (a good thing) and I went straight from single parenthood to single caregiver. I have a lot of emotional baggage from my divorce, and I know it. I don't see myself ever marrying again, and probably not even dating, either. I can't bring myself to trust anyone to get that close. I've tried, trust me. It's always ME that ends the relationship when it starts getting serious, because it absolutely freaks me out to get that close to someone. I start thinking of how close my divorce came to being the end of me, and how bad those first few years were after he left...I absolutely refuse to go through that again. After a childhood filled with abuse by 4 different male members of my family (whom I should have been able to trust), teenage years spent reliving the abuse because it was all I knew, and 2 failed marriages due to infidelity/immaturity (one cheated & left, one wasn't ready to be married & didn't realize it until after the fact), it's no wonder I have trust issues.

I'm not unhappy being single, and I've found that I'm a better person when I'm on my own vs. being accountable to a man. There are some people who just can't be alone, and require someone to be in their lives at all times - I'm not one of those. I do get lonely, of course - I'm only human - but for the most part, I'm ok with being alone. Mom probably has several more years ahead - possibly up to 20 years - so I guess I'll see where I'm at when the time comes. I suspect I'll work until retirement age and then maybe volunteer at the local animal shelter or something to fill my time. Animals - those I can trust. :-)

Bradnm, I am at this point too. I'm done after 2 years moving back in with my ex and helping him take care of his father. Well, I still love him and care but I'm to the point where it's ruining my health. I've become withdrawn, isolated myself, not interested in people and just don't want to do anything. I have bed back issues so I'm not as active as I used to be and I know that my problem is depression. Ex is an only child so he'll have to get some help with "dad". We still get along but I barely have 2 words to say to his dad. I don't know, everything I do doesn't really get appreciated, he's old school Italian so he was used to wife waiting on him hand and foot and that's what ex is doing. I refuse to do it anymore because he's just spoiled that way. He's 90 but in pretty good shape, a little frail and has dementia but he does a lot and he's ambulatory. Can hold a conversation but he's so deaf ( even with hearing aids) you still have to repeat yourself and talk loud. I just quit dealing with it because I have nothing to say. Ex has the world evolving around his dad and was expecting me to keep him entertained when he's gone. He has separation anxiety whenever ex leaves the house and demands to go everywhere with his son. And whenever we did anything together he would have to tag along. Like I said, this has been going on for 2 years. I'm going out of state to see my family and friends at the end of the month to try to get my sanity back.
guess I've vented enough. Thx for reading.

I don't think you'll find this very encouraging, but all I can say is I wasn't single when I started caregiving - and I am now. My SIL happily gossips away about this behind my back and uses it as 'proof' of how 'manipulative' my mother is (utter baloney, she couldn't manipulate a paper bag); but what I think is true is that if you choose to put your parent ahead of current or prospective relationships, it shows where your priorities lie. Only you can know if you're happy with your own priorities. And if you're not, change them.

More cheerfully, I could also point to at least two straight men I know who cared for their elders over many years, and put their personal lives on hold while they were doing so. One is happily married, the other never found a lifelong relationship and, at over 80 himself now, is not likely to. But the point is that there are men who will understand and appreciate the value of what you are doing; or, to look at it the other way up, do you really want to have a committed relationship with a man who doesn't care about you enough to fit into your life, or share your sense of duty to your parent?

Re-reading your post: I think you just need to hang out with nicer, less self-absorbed men. And maybe you're feeling generally insecure, that awful, gradual draining away of your self-confidence? Seven years is a long sentence. Perhaps it would be a good idea to look around and see what you can include in your life that would connect you with new friends generally, and let the romance happen when it will.

As for whether potential boyfriends would eye you suspiciously if they knew your mother had AD… pfft! Nonsense. Unless your mother developed the disease extremely young, it's far too distant for that kind of calculation; and if we all refused to date anyone who had dementia in the family the restaurant industry would collapse.

15 years as the the sole caregiver for step-mom and dad. 3 other children in this combined marriage and nobody is interested in anything except the money they may inherit. I decided this week after being the live in care giver for last 2 years I am done.
so I will hire in what is needed and if other family members object so sad too bad, you no help you loos any say in what I decide to do. I strongly suggest that all of take this stance. It was strongly suggested by my Dr.'s as they are seeing my health diminish and my finances and social life too.
PS: Neither of the parents I am caring for raised me. Father left my mother when I was two and she placed me in a group home after she remarried when I was 12.
I learned that no matter what I will never have a child parent relationship with them and now it is time for me to go live my life and leave them in the care of professionals. No guilt, no anger just doing what is best for all of us.