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If so, what have you said about your situation? I have been my mother's only care giver for going on 7 years. I moved to a new city to do so. I dated two different men, both knew what I was doing. I did find that after a period of time they grew inpatiant with my time to do things, as did I.
I feel like perhaps my time will end when I will be worthy of dating. I have no children, and will not. I know that at this point I just do not know what to say, if I were to meet someone. I worry that if one knows that she has Alzheimer's, they would feel I may be next in line. Who would want to date me. I know there is a test one can take, yet, I do not want to live knowing that I have the gene.Why live with that stress. I guess I just worry about so much day to day, about caring for her, I feel that perhaps I should not think of these things, or other days I am frustated. Thanks for listening.

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Being your mom's caregiver doesn't make you unworthy to date. Being a caregiver isn't a character flaw or a negative personality trait. But as you know, caregiving can and often does interfere with our personal lives.

I cared for my dad at home for 5 years and I had a difficult enough time being able to have lunch with friends or go to a party. The last year or so of my caregiving I just gave up doing anything social because caregiving took so much out of me it was just easier to not do social things. As for dating, I could never consider it. Being able to go to lunch once a month with a friend was difficult enough. Being able to go out on dates several times a week was impossible.

Now that my caregiving has ended I'm not sure if I would date a man who was caring for his parent 24/7. I know it sounds harsh but having been a 24/7 caregiver I know that the life of a caregiver is not his/her own. I'm just not sure I'd want to get tangled up in all of that.
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I think that it's very true about dating someone with any kind of 'disability' (and, I'm including caregiving in this)... But, with that said, I think it's actually a good 'test' to see if someone is serious about dating you and that can be a benefit. Why waste you're time with someone that isn't 'sincere'. I'm in the same boat as you, and I want someone with empathy... I don't want (or have the time) to 'waste' on someone who really 'isn't into' me. So, I wouldn't worry about it... It may even help meeting someone who more fits who you are and it could be a Blessing.
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venting helps so....
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I actually met my SO while caring for my Mom...it was something that we had in common. We met on "Yahoo Personals" 15 years ago. We helped each other, then after my Mom passed away, I moved in with him and now we care for his Mom (she's 91). It is possible, I'm living proof!
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I think that being a long-term full-time sole caregiver for a parent is a recipe for being single.

I came into my relationship knowing that my FIL lived with my husband, had boundless energy and empathy (and love!) for my partner's dad, and managed to keep it on a day to day basis for close to two years.

An odd thing happened. Caring for him slowly, almost imperceptibly, became my job. It happened little by little. He also flourished. All of my time and energy and love became sucked up and served to make him suddenly seem perfectly healthy, even though mentally he continued to decline.

I noticed that my health began to falter. It almost seemed like the world became centered around him, and my life was and is now best described as an hourglass. To care for him, to dote on him, steadily requires more and more and more and more so that the hourglass turns and fills his side and depletes mine to nothing.

If I pull away in an attempt to restore any part of my side, SOMETHING will invariably happen, or rather HE will sense the shift and purposely do something that adds an entirely new load of obligation and responsibility at my feet, turning the hourglass back to his side again.

My relationship with my husband is, sadly, not about our love and the joy of discovering and existing with each other. It has become all about his father.

If I knew then what I know now, I never, EVER would have become involved with my husband. I would have run like hell in the other direction. I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of doom that will only end in my demise, either broken and through divorce or buried 6 feet under.

My father-in-law is going to bury me, kick some dirt on my grave and move on without the faintest care for having completely destroyed a life that really should never have been this involved with him to begin with under even the best of circumstances.
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I think being a committed caregiver is a real testament to your character, and a mature, loving man should count that as a desirable quality. If you had children and were dating, you would have every right to expect that any man you date seriously would come to love your children as much as you do. I think it's fair to expect the same for your parents. Family is family, and dating is how we determine if someone is worth adding to our family. How that person responds to our aging parents will be a good indication of how they treat us when we have needs.

But I know that's idealistic! And it's hard to find a genuine, caring, selfless man. It's even harder when your schedule is so consumed with caregiving. But don't lower your standards. And don't consider yourself undesirable.
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I'm a single father also taking care of my father with Alzheimer's full-time. I don't really have a good answer for you. Our situation certainly creates a big challenge. I'm not looking for someone to help take care of my father, that's the responsibility that I've taken on.

I would say keep up faith that you will find the right person for you.
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I think the fact that you care about your mum should be a plus to any guy if not hes not worth it! i would think alot of a guy who nursed his mother it says ALOT about what kind of a person he is! i have no problems telling someone i look after my mum if they have a problem with this then they are not meant to be in my life! Also how do we really know that this illness is hereditary?? mum has Vascular dementia from not looking after her diabetes theres no way im going to get dementia because i look after myself she didnt.
Get out there and live your life and stuff what people think any guy that had a problem with my "job" at the moment isnt worth dating! Worrying about will i or wont i get this illness will put you in an early grave anyway! "if you worry you die and youre going to die anyway so why worry?".
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Im single but not because of mum i have no money to go out and i know very few people here in this one horse town! It is harder doing this when theres noone to share it with but then i dont know how dating would work out if i had to care for mum 24/7 no i cant see that working at all! shed have to be ina NH before youd even have time to date!
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Worriedaboutdad, I am in the same boat. I divorced my hubs, we were in a bad relationship to begin with then he moved his widowed 90 year old father in with us. That was 2 years ago.
I lived by myself for a year but moved back in w/ ex ( I know, I know), but I was extremely lonely and had no real social outlet or support. I wanted to still help out with his dad still, cooking meals, plus we have a dofg and 2 cats whom I love very much ( I love them more than I do hubs and dad), but now I feel the same as you-everything evolved around dad. His dad was amean mouthed emotional abuser to his wifeand ex is the same way with me.
I'm making plans to move up to my home and be with my family, around people who care for me,my mental health is at stake. I haven't decided to drive or fly up to Illinois from Texas. It's a very long drive- I'm thinking 3 days.
I just get emotionally abused and called stupid the other day when he had freinds over. He made me look like a fool. I have no interests in his life.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you worriedaboutdad, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm torn between thinking that I did something stupid for moving back or commendable for wanting to help him with his dad.
I'm resentful and I really don't feel appreciated these days,. I don't event talk to his dad anymore because he can't hear anyway although he wears a hearing aid.
I'm open to suggestions on what is the best way to get out of here. My finances are limited because I'mon disability for my back. I think this relationship is exascerbating my back issues so I want to see if I'll find relief by leaving.
good luck to you worried.
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I'm single, never married, no children. I have been the sole caregiver for both my mom and dad. But they have lived in independent living (dad 9 years before he died) and mom for 13 going on 14 years. It has taken a lot of time and emotional energy, but nowhere near as much as with a live-in parent with Alzheimers. You guys are in another class of caregiver.

I have only started to feel happy again, once I rediscovered the joys of physical exercise. When I'm feeling upset/frustrated or angry, I'm able to play pickleball until I'm tired and those emotions are gone. Now I'm also taking up golf with my pickleball "posse" and I'm thrilled. Physical exercise has saved my life and my soul. It makes me happy. I was lost for years and now I've found my spark again. I'm even starting to think about guys again...but haven't done anything more than think about it so far. But I feel so much healthier and happier with physical exercise that I love.
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Exercise makes me feel better too. It's so hot here in Texas, I have to do it either really early in the morning or later in the evening. I wish I could go to a gym again but my back issues won't allow me to do that. Even walking my dog help with my mindset.
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Hi all - for Jazmine, the original question, really seems to be about whether you get to be a full individual. I think that you are not getting to be. If you've come here for clarity or something like permission, you'll find it all over this site. I am single too, no kids, and not yet in a caregiving position for my mom who's 83 and who would like to take up my time so she'd be less lonely. So I relate to her only when I feel like it. I'm sure that sounds mean. ;) venting is a good way to start, and now some planning, too. This is my outlook: when you're alone you have to be selfish and carve a discreet identity. You have no special excuse or reason to have plans or be tied up, so you have to create them and fulfill those goals and timeslots, and keep them sanctified. You don't apologize or explain, and yield only if something unusual and important is going on. You've lost so,e ground, and that was gradual, claiming yourself back will be gradual but you must and you will. :)
Worriedabout, you can do it. You know you need another path! Good luck to all of you/us.
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I'm the sole caregiver to my mom, who has Alzheimer's and a disabled brain injured brother. Up until 5 years ago, I helped Mom care for my brother. She did most of the work, as I worked all day. I quit work 6 years ago to be more hands on. Mom was officially diagnosed over 4 years ago. However, I took over the reins of caring for my brother and her 5 years ago.

My social life is virtually nonexistent. I haven't had a conversation with anyone for months. Mom makes no sense when she speaks. She is also extremely hard of hearing. She ruined her hearing aid by running it under the tap for who knows how long. My brother has severe aphasia and is only able to speak maybe 3 words at a time, if he's lucky. I can go for hours without hearing the sound of my own voice. Family and friends no longer contact me.

At times, it's a lonely existence. However, I would not change the past 5 years. I cannot change my brother's and mother's situation. But, I can make it more bearable for them. As long as I'm able to care for them both, I won't send either to a NH.

Having a relationship with anyone is not even on the table for me. I would not expect anyone to take on this responsibility. If I survive both my mom and brother, my life will definitely become different. Then and only then, I might consider finding a companion.
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I am also single, never married, no kids. I am Mom's caregiver 24/7. I don't date simply because I've not found respite care. Can't even get out for lunch with friends!
DO NOT tell yourself you are unworthy, especially for being a caregiver. I fell into that way of thinking very young when I was diagnosed with lupus. "Who would want to be burdened with me?" This is one of my biggest regrets! It is easy to slip into that thought process. Don't let yourself! And take a lesson from me - do not let your mom take over your world. Get someone to help early on and preserve your freedom and sanity.
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A friend of mine hooked me up on FaceBook. Now I can keep in touch with people I used to be able to hang out with. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it helps. The focus of the Facebook posts is more about the positive side of things. We share photos, them of vacations, me of my yard and my cat Ruby, Dad sleeping in his chair. Folks forward videos that are funny, sweet, reassuring.
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I too am single. Although I do get help from family to care for both of my parents, a lot is on Me. I also have a full time job so any free time is spent helping my parents. I tell my family member I need a break and every once in awhile I take one day on a weekend for myself. Sometimes it's just to catch up on errands and every once in awhile I'll see a friend but my free time is limited and I'm so tired I don't even feel like doing much. It's hard to start a relationship under these conditions but not having someone to myself during this stressful time is very lonely
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I'm single and I have been taking care of my mom the past few years. I definitely understand where you are coming from. I am just now trying to restart my social life. Being a caregiver is an admirable thing. I have been told this by others. Just be sure to take time out for yourself if you can. They have respite care. Don't forget you only have one life.
I wouldn't worry about Alzheimer's. That's something that could potentially affect anyone. Plus they are doing research in that area. Best wishes!
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I am single and live with my parents. My mother is 77 and has just regular aging issues. Dad is 83 with CHF and has just been put on oxygen at night. For me it kind of happened naturally. My sister lives out of state and my brother lives in the UK. I am a crime survivor. I moved back home with my parents to recuperate. by the time I was back on my feet, Dad was slowing down and Mom had been in the hospital with a nasty bout of pneumonia. i decided to go to graduate school and it was much easier living at home. My parents and I (thank God) get alone very well. Dad can't do steps and Mom prefers not to, so if i need some time away I can just go upstairs. I also have a dog who is my BFF, and she is a therapy dog so I volunteer with her. One of the things I had hoped to gain at grad school was more of a social network but my university is HUGE, and being a part time commuter student I am not really down there enough to make friends. I do have a few friends that I see occasionally but I can relate to the person who said "who would date me?" If I met someone my parents would probably be delighted but i would not abandon them for him. i just think relationships take a lot of work and I just don't have it in me right now.
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I'm single and have only recently started caregiving. I am resentful because I was done raising my kids and now I am doing this. yes, it's honorable but dang it sucks. I do not feel attractive any longer and I am so depressed I don't care to make myself attractive so I cannot imagine dating right now. If I did have a date, something would inevitably happen to get in the way. I am trying to have faith that there's a reason for where I am right now. I try to do little things like get special food my dad likes and maybe those little things add up. Kudos to you or anyone who can have a relationship right now. I don't think I could handle it.
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If you meet someone who is compassionate and has a busy life themselves it can work. Difficult to find a young person with those traits, but it may be easier to find such traits in a more mature person.
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So great to hear I am not alone when it comes to this dilemma! I too am single and caring for my mom afflicted with ALZ. Dating at this point is off the table for me or rather I'm not actively looking to date since caregiving takes a great deal of commitment. I do believe there is a season for everything and we may THINK we'll never find a mate, but I'm a firm believer that God already has a destined plan and time for us all (and perhaps mate!) :)
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Dear Jazmine,
You are worthy of dating and love. If I were a single man,(I'm a married woman), I would think the opposite! You are obviously a very caring and giving person. Just because your mom has Alzheimer's, doesn't mean you will get it. I agree with your thoughts on genetic testing. I wouldn't want to live with the knowledge that I would most likely get the same disease. This is definitely a case where ignorance is bliss.
It sounds like you have sacrificed a great deal to take care of your mom. For that you should feel proud! What you are doing should be applauded and I wish you could appreciate yourself the way you deserve to be appreciated. Sometimes in life we have to be our own cheerleader. Try to keep that in mind when you're feeling down. Don't beat yourself up, lift yourself up! If caregivers were rewarded monetarily they would all be very rich. Unfortunately, most are very under appreciated. This online forum has given me a lot of encouragement. I try to look at it everyday. It buoys my spirit, especially on those "down days" we caregivers all have. I often remember what my dad used to tell us. "This too shall pass". It helps me get through those days when I feel like i can't do this another day!
Hang in there. You're not alone.
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I'm single and no kids. The last guy I met on a dating site told me - in a sarcastic way- 'well your parents come first.'
I just read a study that said when a man has an illness, his wife or girlfriend will stick with him, but the same is not true for women who have an illness.
I feel that the same may be for female caregivers. I have stopped trying. I don't have the energy to even go on a date, frankly. My health is worse too.
(Just because a family member has Alzheimer's doesn't mean you will have it too.)
I really feel for those of you who are dealing with dementia, as my parents are just now starting to show some signs. I know it is really rough to deal with a brain disorder and the mood swings.
I also think that it's good to know right off the bat what type of character you are dealing with - I know people who never wanted to help look after anyone else, and now they need help and want people to look after them! Not the kind of guy I would want.
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15 years as the the sole caregiver for step-mom and dad. 3 other children in this combined marriage and nobody is interested in anything except the money they may inherit. I decided this week after being the live in care giver for last 2 years I am done.
so I will hire in what is needed and if other family members object so sad too bad, you no help you loos any say in what I decide to do. I strongly suggest that all of take this stance. It was strongly suggested by my Dr.'s as they are seeing my health diminish and my finances and social life too.
PS: Neither of the parents I am caring for raised me. Father left my mother when I was two and she placed me in a group home after she remarried when I was 12.
I learned that no matter what I will never have a child parent relationship with them and now it is time for me to go live my life and leave them in the care of professionals. No guilt, no anger just doing what is best for all of us.
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I don't think you'll find this very encouraging, but all I can say is I wasn't single when I started caregiving - and I am now. My SIL happily gossips away about this behind my back and uses it as 'proof' of how 'manipulative' my mother is (utter baloney, she couldn't manipulate a paper bag); but what I think is true is that if you choose to put your parent ahead of current or prospective relationships, it shows where your priorities lie. Only you can know if you're happy with your own priorities. And if you're not, change them.

More cheerfully, I could also point to at least two straight men I know who cared for their elders over many years, and put their personal lives on hold while they were doing so. One is happily married, the other never found a lifelong relationship and, at over 80 himself now, is not likely to. But the point is that there are men who will understand and appreciate the value of what you are doing; or, to look at it the other way up, do you really want to have a committed relationship with a man who doesn't care about you enough to fit into your life, or share your sense of duty to your parent?

Re-reading your post: I think you just need to hang out with nicer, less self-absorbed men. And maybe you're feeling generally insecure, that awful, gradual draining away of your self-confidence? Seven years is a long sentence. Perhaps it would be a good idea to look around and see what you can include in your life that would connect you with new friends generally, and let the romance happen when it will.

As for whether potential boyfriends would eye you suspiciously if they knew your mother had AD… pfft! Nonsense. Unless your mother developed the disease extremely young, it's far too distant for that kind of calculation; and if we all refused to date anyone who had dementia in the family the restaurant industry would collapse.
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Bradnm, I am at this point too. I'm done after 2 years moving back in with my ex and helping him take care of his father. Well, I still love him and care but I'm to the point where it's ruining my health. I've become withdrawn, isolated myself, not interested in people and just don't want to do anything. I have bed back issues so I'm not as active as I used to be and I know that my problem is depression. Ex is an only child so he'll have to get some help with "dad". We still get along but I barely have 2 words to say to his dad. I don't know, everything I do doesn't really get appreciated, he's old school Italian so he was used to wife waiting on him hand and foot and that's what ex is doing. I refuse to do it anymore because he's just spoiled that way. He's 90 but in pretty good shape, a little frail and has dementia but he does a lot and he's ambulatory. Can hold a conversation but he's so deaf ( even with hearing aids) you still have to repeat yourself and talk loud. I just quit dealing with it because I have nothing to say. Ex has the world evolving around his dad and was expecting me to keep him entertained when he's gone. He has separation anxiety whenever ex leaves the house and demands to go everywhere with his son. And whenever we did anything together he would have to tag along. Like I said, this has been going on for 2 years. I'm going out of state to see my family and friends at the end of the month to try to get my sanity back.
guess I've vented enough. Thx for reading.
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I have been divorced for over 13 years now, was a single parent for all 13 years until my father passed away and I moved in with my mother, which forced my adult kids to finally move out (a good thing) and I went straight from single parenthood to single caregiver. I have a lot of emotional baggage from my divorce, and I know it. I don't see myself ever marrying again, and probably not even dating, either. I can't bring myself to trust anyone to get that close. I've tried, trust me. It's always ME that ends the relationship when it starts getting serious, because it absolutely freaks me out to get that close to someone. I start thinking of how close my divorce came to being the end of me, and how bad those first few years were after he left...I absolutely refuse to go through that again. After a childhood filled with abuse by 4 different male members of my family (whom I should have been able to trust), teenage years spent reliving the abuse because it was all I knew, and 2 failed marriages due to infidelity/immaturity (one cheated & left, one wasn't ready to be married & didn't realize it until after the fact), it's no wonder I have trust issues.

I'm not unhappy being single, and I've found that I'm a better person when I'm on my own vs. being accountable to a man. There are some people who just can't be alone, and require someone to be in their lives at all times - I'm not one of those. I do get lonely, of course - I'm only human - but for the most part, I'm ok with being alone. Mom probably has several more years ahead - possibly up to 20 years - so I guess I'll see where I'm at when the time comes. I suspect I'll work until retirement age and then maybe volunteer at the local animal shelter or something to fill my time. Animals - those I can trust. :-)
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I think we feel unattractive because, frankly we are. Caregiving gradually sucks the life out of us and we let ourselves go. I know I have. There's never any time for us. My mother is in a NH, has been for 18 months, yet I've been there four days out of the last five fixing one thing after another. The day I wasn't at the NH my handyman/helper guy was here in the morning and in the afternoon I took my tiny off the road rescue kitty to the vet for a check up. My house is filthy and the gardens need some work. ll I've achieved this week, apart from caring for my animals, is mowing (2 acres).

Here I sit in old shorts and a tshirt, hair sticking up and I don't have the ambition to do much of anything this afternoon. I am DONE and I will not be going to the NH for at least a week, if not more. Now to give myself a shake, do some cleaning and take a shower. It;'s lovely outside and after my shower I'll pour a glass of wine and veg out on the deck taking in the peace and quiet across the fields.
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So sad and yet so comforting to read that there are so many of us in this position. I have been over 5 years with no life to speak of of my own. I often wonder, like "worried about dad" above why it is that my life is allowed to be consumed by my mother's needs. I am single also, alone with no other family to help either and it is actually very scary to think that I'll eventually be alone without anyone at all to even guide care for me. I do not have freedom to go and meet anyone. I have tried; I've tried to get some respite care and tried some internet dating, but being upfront about being a caregiver is enough to make people run screaming in the other direction. Either that or they tell you that there is something really wrong with you for not dumping your parent into a nursing home (with no interest in knowing why you haven't, just blaming you for not). I've found this to be a very, very frightening and exhausting, not to mention painfully lonely, experience.

As someone else also said above, friends drop by the wayside when you're in our situation. I've learned who my real friends are. I guess that might apply to men also; that a man who was worthwhile would try to just see me for me and not for the prison I'm in; in fact, might want to help me escape from it to some extent by being emotionally there instead of running. Have not met anyone who can, or is willing, to do that. I highly doubt I will.
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