I’m in my 40s, unemployed due to disability, and living with my 93-year-old adopted mother, who is in the late stages of vascular dementia. I don’t have children, friends, or a partner, so she is truly all I have.
It’s painful and frightening to watch her decline, and I often feel crushed by the thought of what life will be like when she’s no longer here. The weight of loneliness and isolation ahead feels unbearable.
I don’t always know how to express these feelings, but I wanted to reach out in case others have been in a similar situation and might share how they’ve managed to cope.
Is mom getting hospice services now? If so, the chaplain can help guide you with grief counseling. They offer services for a year after mom passes.
I don't know how disabled you are, but if you can get out of the house to join a support group, I suggest you do. Or a book club. Or just to have coffee somewhere. Taking that first step can feel overwhelming, I know, but great accomplishments begin with one step.
I also recommend a book called Finding Meaning:The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler. You can get it on Amazon.
In this groundbreaking and “poignant” (Los Angeles Times) book, David Kessler — praised for his work by Maria Shriver, Marianne Williamson, and Mother Teresa — journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth stage: meaning.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his 21-year-old son.
How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief - meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
When your mother dies it will be time if not before she dies to get out in the real world and start living this one life you've been given.
You can start by going to church, joining a singles group, or volunteering at different charities of your choice. And in time I'm sure you will figure out other positive things to do with your time to regain your life back. Your mother would want that much for you.