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SIL is such a bitter person. She loves to get my goat. Will tell me my mother has food restrictions, but will take those same items to mom with a pic on facebook. Or has told me the pin number changes at the front door every month. Each time I have asked the professionals and they don't know where she heard that info. Claims she called everyone from ER, but my phone doesn't ring. I had told mom that I would bring x item next time I visit so she makes sure to say that it's a restricted item or change moms mind before I visit the next few days. Mom is still after almost 4 weeks waiting to get her phone in her NR room so now she isn't sure mom wants one. Even though she always chatted during TV shows every day. HELP??

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Your sister in law is a bully and a master at getting your goat. And it sounds like you’re letting her. The next time she tells you something, like the PiN or the restricted food, make a simple phone call to the facility to check it out. Why are you taking her word for everything?
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brea55 May 28, 2019
already started to do just that called the NR and asked if she had any restrictions . told no normal diet . so I took popcorn when I visited .guess who happened to be visiting so I walked in said hi to everyone and gave mom the popcorn stating remember how I said I would bring you some ..and that I had called to double check that it was ok for you to have this . the room went silent . SIL got mad about something and stormed out while bro, mom and I talked . Had a nice chat but mom could feel the tension in the air .
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Who has POA? Why are u relying on SIL when u have the capability of seeing Mom. If SIL is POA and Mom is able to make decisions, Mom can revolk it and reassign you. If its a matter of obtaining info and Mom is with it, have Mom put u on the HIPPA paperwork.
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Brea55, who is the primary caregiver for your Mom? Was your Mom living with your sister-in-law and your brother prior to going into a care facility? It could easily be that your sister-in-law is overwhelmed if she had been your Mom's caregiver for awhile. It is easy to become mentally exhausted to a point where one can misunderstand things. You don't mention your brother, where is he in this picture?

And what was the reason that your Mom was placed in a care facility? The more information we have here the better it is for making suggestions to help you.
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brea55 May 29, 2019
POA was middle bro and I was MPOA until after first er visit . Not sure why or how it changed . Now oldest bro is the MPOA . she was in for(2 weeks) rehab 3 times and then decided she wanted to stay even though at first she so wanted to go home this last time . no one lived with her just was in same city . Sil visited in the morning took her to dr visits since they were closest . Im almost 2 hours away .So until this past month SIL was doing the dishes and laundry at her own house Mom was still cooking her own meals . Ive seen SIL yelling at mom for shitting on seat and her house looking a mess (counters not clean )moms sight has gone down hill since way before this(guessing around late 2017.Bro and SIL never did get her a phone with huge letters or blow up her phone numbers until aug 2019 after first heart attack . SIL allowed her to wait 3 days before going to drs visit . When I heard that I said why didn't you just call the ambulance .. Well we had to wait to get into her normal dr at clinic .. got to clinic and ambulance was called and she was taking to ER .
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ahmijoy and others ty so much . I do want whats best for mom  but wow this grief is such a roller coaster ride .  I want her to see her friends so bad . She so wants to chat with them . I see she is declining no calenders to help her know what time it is .. She is like a kid just going with the flow . Doesn't ask what meds are anymore just takes whatever drs order . This is a lady who only took an aspirin 2 times a day to within 3 or 4 weeks on I think 2 or 3 meds ..TY I will continue to worry about what is best for mom ! blessings to everyone for support !
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brea55, does your Mom have dementia? If yes, going from one stage to the next can happen over night. From what you had written about your Mom, I wouldn't be surprised if she has some form of it.

My Dad's memory was starting to slip a bit, and he was no longer using a calendar as every day was Ground Hog day. I even bought Dad a "day" clock which would show Dad what day it was, it was helpful for awhile. Dad still got the daily paper so he had some idea what day and date it was, but after awhile Dad would just go through the motions of reading.

As for the telephone, maybe Mom no longer can figure out how to use it, or she does use it, she is calling people she doesn't know. I remember with my Dad, finding cards sitting out from his Rolodex and thinking was he calling these people? He would have no need to call the plumber as he was now living in a senior facility. So one day I took out the cards that were not those of relatives.
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I agree I can see it happening fast inside NH  She always knew what day it was but since put in she is slipping fast . always looked at calender and knew the time date what ty shows come on at a certain time . now she isn't even watching tv since the move . She had already had bro doing the bill paying for years .She has bad knees should have gotten new ones years ago but refused . She was a 2 aspirin a day lady until she moved into NH and its shocking how fast she is now on 3 to 4 meds to control BP/ reflex etc. Wow you guys are correct Doctors job is to keep them alive I know she doesn't want to become like her mother who passed in a NH dementia taken over her brain  for 3 to 4 years. I have hippa and will be contacting nurses for my infro from now on . I will be checking why last year when she first had a fib why they waited 3 days before going to clinic. then being rushed by ambulance to ER .
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brea55 without being confrontational or snitty, don't try to create waves, you need to just go around SIL. This is your mother and while SIL no doubt loves her and is caring for her like she would her mother (I'm assuming she has been family for a long time) you still take precedent over SIL when it comes to decisions and power of information. It may have been suggested or something by someone when mom had her first hospital stay that bro be MPOA because he was the sibling around most by virtue of living in the area but unless yours was revoked a person can have multiple POA/MPOA, my mom does. All three of us have it though my brothers asked that I be primary when it comes to medical decisions so I think it was even written that way but I may be wrong...the point is each of us have the legal right to talk to doctors and know exactly what is going on and unless yours was revoked for some reason it should be fairly simple to add yourself to the list of people who everyone caring for mom can speak freely with. Of course just having her verbal ok works too but I'm not sure how she is cognitively or how if at all she might be being swayed.

I have no idea why your SIL has this need to control and keep you at arms length as much as possible, unfortunately people with this tendency usually show those colors at times like this. Maybe it's a need to be be important or her way of feeling self worth, it's sad for her a PIA for those around her and not worth expending the energy trying to figure out at this moment. You want access and care for your mom so as her daughter and as a MPOA you go ahead and insert yourself in that. If I were you I would direct important communication through bro, in fact make sure both (all?) brothers/siblings are getting updated info by sending it out to them when you get it from staff, take this burden off your brother (her husband) and simply assume each of your siblings will update their spouses and children. This might force SIL to deffer to you a little and it might not, I'm unclear as to what her husbands perspective is in all of this but if I were you I wouldn't force that conversation between the two of you unless absolutely necessary, let him come to you if his wife is complaining too much, again we are talking about YOUR mother and the siblings should come first, their spouses in support of the siblings who are supporting Mom. All the care your SIL has been and is doing out of love for your mom is supporting her family not as a decision maker, she is a decision maker in her family for her parents and in her's and your brother's family for their household, the decision power/responsibility she has taken on for your mom's household is extended her through her husband and his siblings, they still come first.

That doesn't minimize all she has done, no doubt she has saved you some 4hr round trips so please even though it's distasteful keep being generous about giving her that. There may be things going on, reasons for some of this you aren't getting and I wouldn't hesitate to just ask your brother who has been acting as MPOA those questions, even if they are ones you asked SIL and got odd answers to, if he says SIL said she already told you this just say, it wasn't making sense to me so I was hoping you could explain it better. Don't get the food restrictions from SIL, get them from NH, doctors, whenever is placing them and then feed her whatever you want. Bring the special items just don't tell SIL you will be or include her in that loop at all, don't give her the power to mess with you. It would be nice if BRO & SIL followed through with a phone but nothing prevents you from just doing it, maybe they have simply been too busy putting out other fires and trying to attend to their own lives as well, you don't need their "permission" to set mom up with a calendar in her room or an electronic one that shows day and date in big bold characters, a dry erase board or a simple planner whatever seems right. GL
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brea55 Jun 1, 2019
TY so much For your answers You have helped me so much . I was feelling lost on the outside wondering why everything changed at the last minute. (or since aug 2018 and I wasn't aware until this past month .Was her Mpov /pov since 1999 when we set up the will /dnr but since then it has changed to just middle bro . )I got to listen to SIL tell Bro to get into the ER room when I went to sit with her as she was having A fib last aug . Then it all changed no calls from either bro or sil . had to get infro from oldest bro who might remember to call after he drives to er which is 45 mins . I drove to find no one there and mom going to a NR tried to call bro/sil and No answer so had to go home since I didn't know location in that town . To oldest bro who is now MPOV stating mom will be going home then left to learning middle bro talked mom into going to rehab . Now in NH to stay . Its a mess IMO
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