I get so sick of people saying "you are so lucky to still have your mom". Anyone feel like this?

I came across this article on Aging Care regarding guilt and how to get over it. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-guilt-stop-feeling-guilty-126209.htm

I remember one time a nurse said to my sig other "you are so lucky to have your parents for this long".... it was my parents and they were in their mid-to-late 90's.   He said back to the nurse "Not really, this isn't a good quality of life".

Sorting through the way we feel is confusing. We only want good for our parents, but we want to be able to enjoy our lives a bit before we get too old. When they are miserable and we are miserable, it seems crazy to keep going through it. But what else can we do? We can try to find a good facility if they qualify and can afford it. Otherwise we just look for ways to make our own life better while helping them. I don't know what else to do. Who knew our golden years would be like this? My parents never had to care for their own parents, so it was something that never occurred to me. My parents have outlived theirs by many years, but the last 15 years of my parents' lives were/have been very poor quality.

Dear Guiltandsorrow,

I hear where you are coming from. Its overwhelming as a grown up child taking care of an elderly parent especially if they are at the stage where our parents now depend us for everything. I know its hard. And I can sympathize and empathize where you are coming from. I don't think even think our parents realized that one day they would that be in that position. I know it takes a lot of patience and understanding to deal with all the daily needs of an elderly parent. Never easy. I personally had a lot of guilt, anger and resentment. I know their quality of life is not the same, but they still need us. I hope you can find some respite care and give yourself a break. Finding the right balance is never easy. You are doing the best you can. But I also know it hurts and its frustrating dealing with incontinence issues every day. With my own dad, I had a breakdown in the third year. I regretted I did not deal with my own emotions and ask for help sooner. It was a terrible mistake. My dad did not deserve to have me yell at him and give up. And then he died on me. And now I can never go back and change things.

My husband and I are in the same boat as you all, but you do have to forgive yourself for the times when you shouted or you got angry with them, as that is the frustration coming out, and you are at the end of your tether, When you don't have enough or even Any help coming in to assist you.

This is the point where you need to decide exactly what you are going to do, and how you are going to go about it.

Not everybody has enough money to hire in help, and of course help is not usually covered by insurance.
Sometimes you work yourselves to death, trying to hold off spending any of their money, trying to save it for when you think you are Really going to need it for Long term care, and if you spend too much too soon, they will be out of money, for when they really need it! Blaaaa! It's a double edged sword! 

Then ultimately, unless your parents were Really well set up financially, they go into a facility, move from your house, to Independent Living, then Assisted living, the the Nursing home or Memory care, and by that time, their money is gone anyway (but so is their mind), and they end up on Medicaid, as most of them (us) do, and your wonder why you waited so long, giving up so many  years of your life, caring for the grumpy old man, and for what? So they can sit in a chair, watching TV in some other place with decent food, heat and a roof over their heads! Hmmm, just like our house, Lol!  But of course,  we are trying to be the responsible ones, as none of the Other kids ever showed up, or stepped up in any way! 

I guess I'm being callous, but I'm at the end of my rope here, and just venting! It's been a long 13 years, and we're tired out now, and want to start living again, probably like a lot of you all do.

When my husband and I recently went and toured an Independent/Assisted living place, hubby walked away feeling relieved, and I walked away feeling Guilty and sick to my stomach. He's not my Dad, but you do get used to being that responsible one, and wonder how he is going to get along there, without you. And it was a nice decent place! Heck, I'd live there!

I'm hoping and praying that he will thrive, meet new people, and join in, as there is much to see and do. The place was comfortable and cozy, but not posh, but again, he's not used to posh, just comfortable! Lol!

I know that if my kids are lucky enough to be able to park me in such a nice place, I'd be happy as hell! So I do hope that in time he will get used to it, and not make us feel bad about wanting to regain what is left of our lives! Guilt is such a funny thing, and some people feel it more than others I suppose. But not My Husband, he's had enough!

I am frustrated and resentful because I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything when I was a kid. I wasn't abused, but I had to grow up pretty fast. I've always been "the responsible one" and look where that got me. I worked so hard for so many years, scrimped and saved so that I could persue my dream of travel when I retired. Mom came to live with me two months after I retired. She refuses to consider a nursing home and wouldn't travel even when she could. My health is suffering now too. My dream has gone up in smoke.

Yes, people tell me that sometimes. The most recent time was at church, when she was ordering me to hold her arm (after she'd told me she used the pews to creep up the aisle). I don't have a poker face, so I'm sure my frustration showed. And everyone watches as she creeps up the aisle, of course. (At least that is better now, as I insisted she use the rollator...of course no good goes unpunished as her friend can no longer take her to Mass as she had been, because my mother couldn't possibly "impose" on her friend to take the rollator, too.)

I resent my mother, because she treats me like I am nothing, and even says I don't do much for her at all. My three golden brothers live out of state, of course. In my past is possible physical abuse (spanking is considered abuse now) and more certainly emotional abuse.

I protect myself by documenting every time I have to spend hours with her and sending it in an email to my brothers.

I agree with Jessies. I feel like whatever the quality, my mother took care of me as best she could when I was born. So I didn't ask to be here but I feel I owe at least that much to her. I also think that if you are really stressed to that it may be wise to get help some kind of way, home care , nursing home.
When I see that I am just not capable of hanling her without detriment to my well being and sanity then I will have to let it go and find other means.
I'm not sure if I am at the end of my rope. But yes it is very frustrating. As the dementia and aging progresses its like a different person to me. My mother is, I will say, less nasty and spiteful although it is still there. But she is more thoughtful in some ways and this throws me for a loop.
Maybe these good moments get thrown in to offsett the real tear jerking bad moments. Hang in there.

Guilt, dont feel bad and beat your self up. Your feelings are normal. When I first noted my mother was deteriorating, I cried like a baby. And this was way way back. And when she did all the mean degrading and hurtful things, sometimes I would tell her she needs to stop, like who do you thing is going to take care of you when you get old. I even told my sister that I had to get away from her because what was left of me would be burnt out when she really needed me.
So guilt, you keep coming on here and cry and whine and talk and share your anger and guilt and resentment and love and whatever else you got because this is where my help started and it hasnt stopped.Its awesome, and you get a view of your post from almost every different angle and maybe one angle may be the one you needed to see. The honesty is awesome to see and if you open it helps.
Thats not to say you gonna get overnight healing. That's possible. But for me its a slow process just like I need it so my brain can adjust and process it then my heart has to adjust and do the same. But it takes that special perspective to set things in motion and then who knows how long it takes. I am still and guess I will always be a work in progress.

I feel the same way. We aren't getting any good quality time together. They feel awful because they know I'm busy and they don't want to have to depend on us for care. We feel awful, racked with guilt over not being able to provide better care for them that they need. It's a mess. It sucks. I hate it. So stop. Don't tell me how lucky I am to still have my parents because I don't feel lucky. I feel depressed. And cursed. And sad. And angry. And used. And worn out. I do not feel lucky.