Sick of arguing about driving. I don't know what to tell Mom anymore.

My late husband had vascular dementia with the loss of "executive functioning." Also he had hallucinations, when I was away he said "people came to the house." When he had the major stroke that killed him, the first words he uttered out of the side of his mouth that worked were "I have to be able to drive." We elected not to put in a feeding tube, and he died within 3 weeks. He wasn't driving much even before the big stroke, but he had had a driving instructor who ended up saying my husband could drive distances less than 5 miles if he did not go over 25 miles/hr and made no left turns. Then hubby got lost driving in a neighborhood where we had lived for 25 years (and he used to have a perfect sense of direction). At that point he quit driving, although he never acknowledged that he had stopped, and he kept a pair of car keys to my car (he agreed to sell his, which was older than mine). I hope you can sell your mom's car and keep your own keys hidden, as it may take an accident to make her stop. Certainly she should never drive alone, but like me you may not enjoy riding in a car driven by someone who gets lost.

You can anonymously call the non-emergency number of your police department--ususally a helpful, knowlegable officer will answer and advise you. Surely you can call them when she leaves and they'll pull her over, but that would lead to tickets, court dates and more work for you, and she'd probably repeat. It might be easiest and cheapest to continue keeping the keys from her and hide yours well. Wouldn't hurt to keep notes on the things you do to stop her driving, just in case there were ever a lawsuit. Attorneys pull in whoever they can to collect damages.

My mother is 5/8 blind with little peripheral vision. The DMV recently revoked her license and her doctor forbid her to drive but she keeps on. The police department told me that it's illegal to take anyone's keys unless you are on the car registration. I'll probably report her to the DMV (again) but not sure what they can do. I've offered to drive, given her the numbers of taxi and free services but she won't stop driving. She's become too frail to walk much or ride a bike.

My mother cites people in their late 90s who still drive but can't understand that they can see. She thinks the DMV is picking on her because she's old. She was never the brightest bulb in the pack, and it's worse now that she has dementia. She also has narcissistic personality disorder so dealing with her is great fun...

Does anyone have POA for her? I agree with the idea of selling the car. This situation is so like mine with my mother, who has vascular dementia, is legally blind, and does not have a driver's license. She continues to rail about not having a car (thankfully hers is gone) and wants my brother's old car. I've been able to repeat, "You can't drive without a driver's license." She replies, "How do I get one?" And I tell her (kindly) that she'll need to figure that out. A couple of years ago we did bring her to DPS, thinking that her failing the official tests would do the trick, but she doesn't remember going there and failing the first hurdle, the vision test. If your mother isn't on to the repetitive nature of the lost key response, maybe keep going with that, and always be sure to secure your keys when you're around her.

We disabled Dad's car without his knowledge.

By all means, put the "boot" on your car.

Vascular dementia is a very peculiar disease. My Dad would be totally oriented about a lot of things, but there was no reasoning with him about things he would get obsessed about. I think the dementia goes deeper than just a memory problem. It is executive functioning which is in a specific part of the brain.
In my experience, if we helped him through one thing, then another would take its place. Then he would be obsessing about that. It just goes on and on.
He has not been happy for several years. We cannot do anything that will “make” him happy.
We are so worn out that we don’t feel guilty anymore. He is on three psych meds, and in a nursing home. He is at least more content than he was when he was in control of all those day to day decisions.

Thanks, everyone.  Wow.  This is hard.  I might try contacting her car insurance folks.  Apparently, they haven't gotten the word yet that the license has been revoked.  Mom really does quite well, she has a 'tiny home' right behind my house, she is still able to manage her own personal hygiene, and clean house, and cook a little.  It's just this key thing.  She really could still have quite a full and rewarding life, if she would just move on and concentrate on the things she CAN still do.  I'm upset that I can't make her happy (a thing I have been doing all my life) anymore.  Just wish it was different, but I guess all I can do is try to learn what not to do to my kids.  Thanks for your answers and support.  I truly appreciate it!

"The replacement key was lost in the mail due to Hurricane Florence. I am waiting for the Post Office to call me back regarding hopefully beginning the process of submitting our claim. . . ." "The replacement key guy called: his new apprentice accidentally messed up the key. Man, was he mad. . . ." "There is a shortage right now of the steel (?) needed for replacement keys due to this whole trade war thing with China. Unfortunately, they are saying there will be a delay affecting all replacement keys and key-related items in the tri-state area for the next 5-6 weeks. . . ."

I just made these new excuses up now -- I hope one of them could work for you! :)

Do you have her car where she can see it? If ur POA, like said, sell it. If your aren't move it to another location. Out of sight out of mind. I like the suggestion to get a lock for your steering wheel. Hide all your extra keys. Keep your purse where she can't get it.

Like said, you will not get her to stop asking. Just try to change the subject. They get something in their head and they won't let go.

If she's not a licensed driver, her insurance will likely not cover any damages if she drives and hurts someone or something. I would give up trying to persuade her. There isn't a way that she is going to suddenly get it. She just doesn't have the ability. I'd just focus on keeping the car away and telling her whatever you have to tell her. Even if the police were to stop her, what would that accomplish? She'd likely forget about it and it would make no difference OR she would accuse them of lying and blame them for arresting her. So, I don't think that would help.

Are you the DPOA? Do you have the authority to sell the car and use the funds for her benefit?

How about a steering wheel lock on your car? Perhaps she might not be able to figure out the key for that and how to get it off.

Regarding your legal liability if it was your car she drove, it might be a good idea to get a record on file about the problem you have and what you have tried for control, plus asking for any further suggestions. It would back up the story you would tell if any liability question arose in future. One idea to create evidence might be to send a registered letter to her doctor, the police and the Department that registers your car.