Sick of arguing about driving. I don't know what to tell Mom anymore.

How about a steering wheel lock on your car? Perhaps she might not be able to figure out the key for that and how to get it off.

Regarding your legal liability if it was your car she drove, it might be a good idea to get a record on file about the problem you have and what you have tried for control, plus asking for any further suggestions. It would back up the story you would tell if any liability question arose in future. One idea to create evidence might be to send a registered letter to her doctor, the police and the Department that registers your car.

If she's not a licensed driver, her insurance will likely not cover any damages if she drives and hurts someone or something. I would give up trying to persuade her. There isn't a way that she is going to suddenly get it. She just doesn't have the ability. I'd just focus on keeping the car away and telling her whatever you have to tell her. Even if the police were to stop her, what would that accomplish? She'd likely forget about it and it would make no difference OR she would accuse them of lying and blame them for arresting her. So, I don't think that would help.

Are you the DPOA? Do you have the authority to sell the car and use the funds for her benefit?

Do you have her car where she can see it? If ur POA, like said, sell it. If your aren't move it to another location. Out of sight out of mind. I like the suggestion to get a lock for your steering wheel. Hide all your extra keys. Keep your purse where she can't get it.

Like said, you will not get her to stop asking. Just try to change the subject. They get something in their head and they won't let go.

"The replacement key was lost in the mail due to Hurricane Florence. I am waiting for the Post Office to call me back regarding hopefully beginning the process of submitting our claim. . . ." "The replacement key guy called: his new apprentice accidentally messed up the key. Man, was he mad. . . ." "There is a shortage right now of the steel (?) needed for replacement keys due to this whole trade war thing with China. Unfortunately, they are saying there will be a delay affecting all replacement keys and key-related items in the tri-state area for the next 5-6 weeks. . . ."

I just made these new excuses up now -- I hope one of them could work for you! :)

Thanks, everyone.  Wow.  This is hard.  I might try contacting her car insurance folks.  Apparently, they haven't gotten the word yet that the license has been revoked.  Mom really does quite well, she has a 'tiny home' right behind my house, she is still able to manage her own personal hygiene, and clean house, and cook a little.  It's just this key thing.  She really could still have quite a full and rewarding life, if she would just move on and concentrate on the things she CAN still do.  I'm upset that I can't make her happy (a thing I have been doing all my life) anymore.  Just wish it was different, but I guess all I can do is try to learn what not to do to my kids.  Thanks for your answers and support.  I truly appreciate it!

Vascular dementia is a very peculiar disease. My Dad would be totally oriented about a lot of things, but there was no reasoning with him about things he would get obsessed about. I think the dementia goes deeper than just a memory problem. It is executive functioning which is in a specific part of the brain.
In my experience, if we helped him through one thing, then another would take its place. Then he would be obsessing about that. It just goes on and on.
He has not been happy for several years. We cannot do anything that will “make” him happy.
We are so worn out that we don’t feel guilty anymore. He is on three psych meds, and in a nursing home. He is at least more content than he was when he was in control of all those day to day decisions.

By all means, put the "boot" on your car.

We disabled Dad's car without his knowledge.

Does anyone have POA for her? I agree with the idea of selling the car. This situation is so like mine with my mother, who has vascular dementia, is legally blind, and does not have a driver's license. She continues to rail about not having a car (thankfully hers is gone) and wants my brother's old car. I've been able to repeat, "You can't drive without a driver's license." She replies, "How do I get one?" And I tell her (kindly) that she'll need to figure that out. A couple of years ago we did bring her to DPS, thinking that her failing the official tests would do the trick, but she doesn't remember going there and failing the first hurdle, the vision test. If your mother isn't on to the repetitive nature of the lost key response, maybe keep going with that, and always be sure to secure your keys when you're around her.

You can anonymously call the non-emergency number of your police department--ususally a helpful, knowlegable officer will answer and advise you. Surely you can call them when she leaves and they'll pull her over, but that would lead to tickets, court dates and more work for you, and she'd probably repeat. It might be easiest and cheapest to continue keeping the keys from her and hide yours well. Wouldn't hurt to keep notes on the things you do to stop her driving, just in case there were ever a lawsuit. Attorneys pull in whoever they can to collect damages.

My mother is 5/8 blind with little peripheral vision. The DMV recently revoked her license and her doctor forbid her to drive but she keeps on. The police department told me that it's illegal to take anyone's keys unless you are on the car registration. I'll probably report her to the DMV (again) but not sure what they can do. I've offered to drive, given her the numbers of taxi and free services but she won't stop driving. She's become too frail to walk much or ride a bike.

My mother cites people in their late 90s who still drive but can't understand that they can see. She thinks the DMV is picking on her because she's old. She was never the brightest bulb in the pack, and it's worse now that she has dementia. She also has narcissistic personality disorder so dealing with her is great fun...

My late husband had vascular dementia with the loss of "executive functioning." Also he had hallucinations, when I was away he said "people came to the house." When he had the major stroke that killed him, the first words he uttered out of the side of his mouth that worked were "I have to be able to drive." We elected not to put in a feeding tube, and he died within 3 weeks. He wasn't driving much even before the big stroke, but he had had a driving instructor who ended up saying my husband could drive distances less than 5 miles if he did not go over 25 miles/hr and made no left turns. Then hubby got lost driving in a neighborhood where we had lived for 25 years (and he used to have a perfect sense of direction). At that point he quit driving, although he never acknowledged that he had stopped, and he kept a pair of car keys to my car (he agreed to sell his, which was older than mine). I hope you can sell your mom's car and keep your own keys hidden, as it may take an accident to make her stop. Certainly she should never drive alone, but like me you may not enjoy riding in a car driven by someone who gets lost.

My mother was the same way. One night she got in the car and set out for “the grocery store” and promptly drove right into the back of a parked truck, totaling both vehicles. It is a miracle no one was seriously injured or killed. She had to spend 3 months at rehab after that and it has been a downward spiral ever since, of course the car is long gone so she’s moved on to other things. If I had it to do over I’d have disabled the car or moved it or removed the keys from the house.

Bbooks5720... you dont have to admit to having the key to move... get AAA to move it for you! The battery died and they towed it to get it fixed.

A friend and her husband exchanged the keys to the car in the drive with keys from another car. Her dad would go out to start the car, be unable to do so, come back in to find the right keys and forget what he was looking for then go on to something else. Saved arguments and hurt feelings.

You need to and can be consistent in how you respond/handle this:
MD said it is unsafe for you to drive. Put a copy of the MD notification on her refrigerator 'for reference' (block out his/her phone #).
NO: You don't need to keep coming up with excuses.
DO: Listen and agree that you understand: "Yes, I know you feel that way." Period. Do not allow yourself to be drawn in over and over again.
YES. Do alert Police. Depending on the person, it is common for elders to call the police themselves to 'report' family taking keys or something. She may also call road service/ins company if she has #s. If she can get to car and drive it, you need to take a part out of the car so it won't start. Gena

Yes, you can alert the police if she attempts to drive - as well as the DMV. Have them haul her off to jail and spend a few days there if she hops into a vehicle and drives it. If her license was revoked and she drives anyway, she would merit this penalty.

Yes, there could be legal ramifications for you - if she gets behind YOUR vehicle and drives away. Hide the keys where she cannot find them. You can also have your car insurance changed so that you are the only designated driver - and use THAT as an excuse.

Every situation is different. What helps one person won't help someone else. For instance, my husband was mechanical, he can fix the car.

When hubby was told he couldn't drive any more, He gave me his truck key, he told me to be careful with it because it was the only key. He forgot I had a set. One morning he took it off my key ring and wouldn't give it back. He was going to drive and didn't care that he didn't have a license or insurance. My car was behind his in the driveway and I left it there for 3 days. He couldn't get out past it. I needed to put my car in the shop for a day or so, so asked for his truck key. I told him it was that or I would have to spend money renting a car. Spending extra money was too much for him, so he gave me back his key.

I had already hid all extra keys, then I put a clippy thing (can't think of the word) on my key chain. I wear jeans most of the time so I hooked my keys around my belt loop and kept them on me all the time except when I slept. Then I would hide them in a place hubby couldn't get to. Actually, I put them in the sack that holds new vacuum cleaner bags. He had a moment of clarity and said he wanted our 17 year old grandson to have his truck. Bingo, it was gone.

Is the car hers or yours? If she isn't mechanically inclined, try letting the air out of the tires, or disconnecting the battery.

If your car, just tell her no, like you would a child. She will obsess on something else one of these days. If you get the keys, and she asks for them, just tell her you don't know where they are. I had to say, "How do I know, they are your keys."

I feel for you even though my sister is in a save place. She is being really nasty to me I think the reason being that I won't take her out of were she is. She has Vascular Dementia. Does your Mom live with you? I do believe if she is with you that you will be responsible for what she does.

My husband has Primary Progressive Aphasia and didn't want to stop driving. When his DL was revoked, thanks to the Dr, sending the paper work, I went to the dealership and got a blank key, and put it on his key ring. When the car wouldn't start, I told him I would look into it. He eventually got tired of trying and gave up driving even though he had a key and the remote with him.

Stuggling with that, myself... My Dad has macular degeneration, meaning he's almost legally blind, as well as having mild Alzheimer's. I got his doctor to write a note saying that he cannot legally drive (even though his license was actually renewed a few months ago... I won't go into how I feel about that! He actually passed the eye exam when they asked him to go back and read the 1st of the 4 numbers/letters). Of course, he never remembers what the note said... I am always here to drive him wherever he wants to go, but he is always worried about his own car needing to be driven and sometimes he wants to drive it himself. We tried the lost key idea, but he was obsessed with finding it. Finally, I went to his car dealership and asked for a dummy key. They sold me one that looks just like his, but it doesn't have the chip in it. It will unlock the door and start the engine, but then the engine immediately dies. He hasn't tried it yet. When he does, we'll have to get a mechanic to tell him it can't be fixed. I'm praying that he'll give it up at that point, realizing that i will take him wherever he wants to go. But as long as the key is on his ring, he's not too bothered. And as long as he lets me drive his car, we can still keep it in good working order.

I think you can alert the police, but I don't know if they can actually stop her without a valid reason. It's worth talking to them, though. I guess if her license has been revoked, that's reason enough. There are legal ramifications, from what I've heard. Even if her car is stopped at a stop sign and someone runs into her, apparently they could sue if they find out she has dementia. That's just what I've heard, I don't know how true it is.

Dear Fellow Controlling Witch:
It takes a long time to learn the lesson, but save yourself the angst and give it up. Do you have POA? Then you might want to have the car towed because it can't start...needs to be fixed...(you can do that by figuring out how to disable it or having someone who can gain access when she's not around.
No one can stop you or anyone else from notifying the police, but if she is licensed and doesn't cause anyone else a problem not much they can do, although there may be a way for you or the MD to notify a licensing authority in your state and there may be some steops to take. Your other question is legal and only an attorney can answer the accident questions...but I'd sure be keeping my car keys around my neck or in my pocket. If she takes yours without your consent then you can have her reported, arrested, and who knows what will happen then...but no matter who is held accountable, it will cause so much trouble and cost so much money and risk injury so you just don't want it to happen. I pulled the knobs off our built in oven, and my mother bitched and left very coherent notes about PUT THE KNOBS BACK ON THE OVEN RIGHT NOW!!!!. Which I did not do. And within a week or less, no more whining. Have you tried calling your local ALzheimer's Assn? They will probably know what to do and about local issues

Been through that. The auto repair shop told me which fuse to pull for the fuel pump. It worked. Mom couldn't get it together to get it repaired.

The fist thing to do is get rid of Moms motor car.....and start ringing for a Cab when ever You need to bring Mom for appointments. After a short while Your Mom will forget all about Her motor car and think Cab.
This is horrible time for Your Mom too "loosing Her independence is never easy.

Tough situation.. dad lived 3 states away and had a suspended license for dementia, but continued to go out five or six times a day. we took keys- he had new ones made. Let the air out of tires on another visit, he called a flatbed tow truck. ... we sent cabs daily to take him shopping- he refused them. We hired an aide to drive him- he flatly yelled “not interested!” He lied about driving- “no I’m not driving- the car is at the garage”...
we alerted police TWICE because we were concerned about his safety and the safety of others. They caught him pulling into his driveway, but Police accused US of leaving the “poor guy to die” in his house!!!!! They went so far as to say “he’s lovely. I don’t know why he can’t drive!” (At that point my blood pressure shot up!) he can’t drive because his NEUROSURGEON said so... his cardiologist said so.... and he CHOOSES not to take advantage of the taxis, Uber’s, and aides we’ve sent to drive him around.
I hate to say it but, it took “the BIG fall” ... a two week hospitalization, (where he was deemed “unable to live alone”) followed by a MOVE to be closer to us without his car to get him off the road!!! Yet, the daily questions persist -“what doctor am I going to next who can give me my license back?” (We’ve seen three so far, and they’ve all just rolled their eyes and politely told him “I think it’s best you do not drive.”) but he persists EVERY day... unfortunately nothing worked for us. Although he’s NOT driving now, it’s a daily battle trying to help him understand that the doctors aren’t crazy... he really can’t drive.
Maybe the strategies we tried might work for you?! Good luck!!!

Our neighbor pulled some part out under the hood of his wife's car when his wife could no longer drive her car. She would forget each time and try...the car wouldn't start, and husband would say, "it is broken I will have to get it fixed". Used this excuse over and over until she didn't fixate on driving anymore and she let him take her shopping, etc. Using Uber or Lyft or a cab might also be something you could try....

When my married friends for whom I had DPOA kept driving after their licenses were revoked, I phoned Adult Protective Services for advice. Someone had to come to their condo and evaluate them. I made sure I was there first to explain why she was coming and that she had to do this once someone phoned. I did not tell them I was the one who did that.

When she asked them how they were getting their groceries, the husband said they drove, of course. When the APS lady asked if they remembered their licenses were revoked, they acted very surprised and said "They are?!"

Shortly after, she asked the husband what he thought they should do with their minivan if they couldn't drive and he answered "Sell it and get some money out of it." At that point he was willing to give me the keys and I moved it to a friend's garage to keep it there while we got it ready to sell. I then proceeded to pick them up once a week for grocery shopping and take them to any appointments they had or other needs to get taken care of.

About 2 months later, we got a phone call early one morning with the husband exclaiming "Our cars are gone!" They hadn't had two cars in years.

It was involving APS that provided the answer for my situation. Fortunately, neither one could remember to ask about their car, so it wasn't an on-going issue. I could have resorted to fibs had I needed to, and was glad I didn't have to do that. When I finally got them to move into a memory care apartment, they hardly ever needed to go anywhere and never asked about their car. And once there, never asked about their condo either or said anything about going back home. We made their MC apartment very similar to their condo with the furniture arranged the same way and it probably felt very much like home as they remembered it.

Yes you can call the police because she is a danger to herself and others. Before it gets to that point. Take her to get her drivers license. Let someone else tell her she cannot drive. Keep your keys on you at all times

"Mom, they can't do a replacement key because the material used to make it is too old and no longer exists." ~ any fake story! And yes, tell the police she's out there illegally driving. Maybe she'll get picked up if you're lucky. My late aunt drove her auto into her apartment building, her face bloody she arrives at my mother's and said "She was fine." What a lie!

Same boat with my mom. That's about the only thing she gets mad at me about. I pray every day we get through 24 hours without asking (demanding) car keys.

My aunt DID get the keys to the car - the first time she was missing for 24 hours. Showed up at a hairdressers 6 or 7 towns away the next day, and told them she didn't know how to get home (but the home she was trying to get to was her childhood home). They called the police and because there was a missing alert, they got her home.

A month later, she got the keys again and drove to the next state to visit a childhood girlfriend. Very late at night/early in the am. Hit a car that had stopped for a red light - thank God it was a very slow accident. She parked at a Wendy's and wandered into one of those storefront clinics that is open all night. Her airbag had gone off and she had hit the steering wheel (probably didn't have her seat belt on) and broke her nose - her face was swollen and bruising. She refused to let the clinic transport her to the hospital so they called the police for assistance.

IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOUR MOM NOT DRIVE!!

While she was in the hospital we retrieved her car and "disappeared it". When she wanted to know where her car was we told her she had a bad accident and the car was totaled and taken away. We have had to tell her that over 999,000 times, but she seems to accept that explanation even if she can't remember it. If she still has her car, make it disappear (hopefully you have power of attorney to sell it; if not, find a relative where you can park it for now). If she lives with you and gets your keys, do two things. Hide your keys in a place where she can't get them. Buy a small safe for $30-$40 (a kids safe is fine) and keep your keys in it, or buy one of those stuffed animals where you can unzip their outer layer to wash it, or a pajama pal, so you can hide the keys in a place she is unlikely to look. Then put a dummy set of keys where yours usually are. If she finds them they won't work. If she asks you about why they won't work tell her you need to take the car to a place and have them fix the problem.

Hopefully that will be less like you are taking her car from her, and more like you both have run into a string of bad luck and are trying your best to fix things. Good luck!!