How to deal with siblings who don't help?

I asked my sister and brother to get more involved with mom. My sister has kindly come to stay with my mom one weekend a month and my brother has increased his visits to a few more times a year.

The trouble is when they get involved in making decisions about her medications (without doctors approval) or her home. So, now I need to encourage them to be companions ONLY! Otherwise they end up making more work for me. Both my brother and sister responded positively when I told them she needs them to make more of an effort. I think some people, who don't live nearby, just don't know what to do and my brother and sister appreciate that I asked them and told them what she needs.

Mom's health is up and down, so her needs change. When she is really down, I reach out to my siblings and let them know she really needs them NOW. When they visit, I take a huge break and go home and sleep. They seem to understand that I will not be social with them at those times and there are no hard feelings. It is not the same as when everyone was healthy. These are not "fun" family visits anymore.

I appreciate good suggestions from others when someone is in need. If I can help, then I do. Sometimes I can't help. I am assuming my siblings appreciate my suggestions. Some things they do and some they don't and others they mess up. So, then I just have to re-adjust my requests...

So, far I just have to ask (and then clarify, and ask again, and again...) and it works... partially. I am very thankful for any good help I get, but it usually doesn't come unless I ask. Does Joel Olsteen say to set your expectations HIGH? Set them high and ask. Then see what happens. Don't give up... ask again, maybe in a different way.

Be very specific and set up plan. For example..on Thurs @ 1p someone has to take Mom to Doctor. Don't feel guilty, if YOU need the time for yourself. Call family meeting, including those living far away (email) and say "just because I live close to Mom, there are 5 others of you. Thursday, I need the day away. Make a calendar and see that everyone does their part.

You are correct onlyoneintown1---The Lord gives us strength. Without him..we are nothing and can do nothing. :)

Oh...I'm wondering..would it be terrible of me NOT to tell siblings when mom passes? I'm thinking they wouldn't even show up to her funeral anyway (I made all arrangements for it 6.5 years ago). I'm thinking about not even contacting them. They'd NEVER know because they've never asked or called or visited. What do you think? Maybe, the devil is telling me to do this.

my health is also at risk, i have lost 20 pounds since feb. i really don't know how much longer i can do this either. i'm only 50 and basically my life has come to a halt. This should be the time that i am enjoying my life unlike my sister. my children are grown, I am now able to do whatever but unfortunately I can't. Yes I know I sleep well ! Good luck to you to

MOVE ON! If you have asked for help and siblings don't help.. assume they never will. My one sister has said she would come this summer and help for a few days.. never did. Went on vacation instead. The other sister only takes care of her grandson. Never helps. My husband and son help me, but otherwise I am on my own because my mother does not want "strangers" in her house. I just do the best I can. FORGET about your siblings. It only causes anger and stress when you think about them not helping. Rely on the Lord. He cares. He gives us strength. He upholds us.

I have two siblings that live only 15 min from mom and they have never, ever helped. When we had to put her in the NH 6.5 years ago, it was like she "died" to them. It has always been only me to do everything for her and I mean everything. They've never visited, called or anything not even on her birthday, Christmas or Mother's Day. I tried and tried to get them involved in just the special occassions...but sister never would and brother only went if there was food involved and he never brought her a small gift or anything. Yet he has money to buy his girlfriend hundreds of dollars worth of gifts from the Mall..most expensive store there. I gave up calling them when mom would have to go into the hospital because they never visited her THERE either. It still makes me livid if I think about it, so I don't. I know that I sleep well at night and am doing all I can for her by myself...including moving her in with me several times over the last 6.5 years. This is the 5th NH I've tried in 6.5 years. None of them took care of her and neglected her. She is mean, combative and so hateful to me when she lives with me after just a month of "honeymoon". I can't do it anymore. My health has deteriorated so much that I can barely take care of myself. I do still go see her each week at the NH and take her to funerals, shopping, etc. You can't let the siblings not helping get to you or it will make you sick. Just accept the fact that they don't "care"..they are not "giving" people..they are "takers". Best of luck to you and we know you have a good heart. Keep up the good work!

YES...ThirdSon, can you tell/show us how to access the "status check" website URL, that sounds REAL handy!!

I know exactly what you mean. I have a sister who does'nt help at all can't even pickup the phone to see how our mom is doing. My sister lives 20 minutes from me and will not help at all. I do it all myself. I asked how she sleeps at night!

ThirdSon, can you tell us how to access this "status check" website? URL?

I am the one siblings doing all the work. I have asked for help many times. One is just closes his eyes to everything, (a case of Mom and Dad's failing health out of his sight and out of his mind), the other is bipolar and only wants their money, of which they have none. I've had to put them out of my mind so I can get on with my life. I have engaged local services to help with the driving and errands and doctor's visits. I have sought out the advice a geriatric manager and elder care attorney to help process Medicaid paperwork and work the system. I am doing all I can do. If one of them said, I'll help, I'd take it, but they do not. Every situation is different. You cannot "make" them help, that is what I found out. And it takes time to erase all the resentment from your thought process. Some days are better than others.

So Loveher, I would ask for help and be specific. If they do not help now, they will help later so look for support in other ways.

xo
-SS

I suggest you read some of the threads regarding Family Relations and others regarding dysfunctional Families. Some are able to work out their problems and others just muddle through with one child doing all the caregiving.

There is a guideline here for the first family meeting, things to accomplish and keeping it focused on the loved one's care. Why siblings can't join together and take care of their parents is a universal question.

Best of luck! Remember it is about taking care of Mom not about hard feelings from 20 years ago.

To help with daily family awareness we use a “status check” web site that my Father logs into each day between 6am and 9am. If he misses the log in window all siblings get an email alert. If he does log in, he then answers some general health information (check the box). Then he answers some memory and math questions. Then each sibling gets a daily email on Dad’s status. Some THEN call to check in with Dad or help in some way, others still MIA. But they will never be able to say I was not asked or informed.

Please, tell the siblings what needs to be done. I am in the position of wanting to help MIL, but BIL wants to do it all himself. I know from talking to his wife that he is resentful that the rest of us don't do more, but at the same time, he won't allow us to! Call a family meeting and thrash it out!

The only thing you can do is send them an email or a letter telling them what mom's needs are and how they can help. Then if they fail to step up, you will have to put them out of your mind or it will drive you crazy thinking about it. If you send the later, they can never tell you later they did not know or you never asked for help. Another thing you can do is say: you never contact us, if something happens to (fill in family member's name) do you want to be notified, because I do not plan to notify you unless you show some interest.