When I'm standing and staring and wondering why is it me doing this? my automatic answer is "because you're the idiot who volunteered." Not all of my siblings think I'm an idiot, to be fair. My sister does; but one brother thinks I'm doing it to show the others up and prove I love Mummy best; and the other brother thinks it's because I'm a control freak. I HOPE I'm doing it because I do love my mother and residential care is not for her; but wouldn't it be interesting if you could get some kind of computer printout of motives?
One of my siblings has been out of the picture for four years. Now they are running out of money and what to make amends. Seems odd, doesn't it? When I told them that taking on the role of caregiver 24/7 for BOTH Mom and Dad has absolutely destroyed my life they said, "What, did you expect we were going to hold your hand?" I said, No, but I expected you to at least support me, and you didn't. This sibling had no intention of ever helping me, even when I asked. I didn't realize that until they said that statement. I find it absolutely remarkable that people like that can live with themselves.
Debralee, you're a very good example of why outsiders shouldn't jump to conclusions about WHY siblings might refuse to get involved. It's wrong to attribute motives to a person without understanding him or her. But when all you know is that you're carrying the whole package and you can't see your siblings for dust, it's easy to let perhaps justified resentment turn in to false assumptions. Something to guard against - I'm glad you reminded me, and thank you.
I have been in and out of therapy my whole adult life because of the horrific choices my parents made and me being the collateral damage of those choices. I am totally estranged from my elderly father and only take my mother to her medical appointments. So I will become one of those absentee adult siblings that are being bashed on this post. I chose not to help them like they chose to use me for their own selfish needs!
hello We all have family mambers who we wish to take interest that don't. perhaps it's not your loved one they are not staying away from. Perhaps it's us! I wonder about that. My bro has not contacted his mother for 6 years. In that time he has told me he wanted to know when she passes. My mom asks all the time why he hasn't called her, not even for a holiday. I have sent letters and left messages but he has not been responding. I wonder each day what's going on with him. And why could be for many reasons. Illness, or just excuses. I'm sad more for my mom because as a mom myself I know the pain she must feel that her son has not called her. Life goes on, but we don't forget those who we don't know the whereabouts. my bro was manipulative and sneaky and took advantage of my mother all the time. The ax forgets the tree remembers! I pray that he's doing alright and perhaps will call when he comes to his sences! Equinox
teachergear1, I can understand the temptation you're feeling not to tell your siblings when your mother dies. But I think the clue is in the word temptation: not telling them would be temporarily satisfying ("serve 'em right!") but it would be spiteful and unworthy of you - yes, it would be a terrible thing to do. Put the temptation behind you. You inform your family promptly and in correct form. If they then fail to show up, they've missed their last chance to redeem themselves, and to close the book on their various issues with your mother, and it won't be your fault. Come on: make up your mind to do the right thing, and then you'll stick to it - I can tell because that's what you've done all along.
What is oneto do when dad disinherits the sibling that welched on their promise to help leaving everything to the son that was there 24/7. The disinherited son is now challenging the last minutes change to his inheritance claiming lack of capacity and undue influence...
All you can do is pray for them. I've decided to stop trying to make it happen. As many of you have said, it only frustrates you more and we have enough to contend with in caring for our ailing parent(s). I was encouraged by a stranger yesterday in a restaurant. We went out to eat after church and there were no chairs in the waiting area, so I asked a gentleman at a nearby table if I could use the empty chair so that I could sit my mom in it. He gladly obliged. When it was time for us to be seated, I return the chair to his table and thanked him. He shouted out to me "you will be blessed for taking care of your mother." Whether he was an angel in disguise, I don't know, but I sure needed to hear that. So from one stranger to another to you all "you will be blessed in taking care of your loved one." I know we all have our good days and our bad days, but truly God will strengthen us because we are honoring our loved one in their last days no matter how long it may be, whether they are in your home or a NH, we still care! Lastly, we reap what we sow - so to our siblings who don't want to get involved, lest they beware that a worse thing may happen to them! Don't mean to sound grim, but we truly must treat others how we want to be treated. I, too, wonder how my siblings sleep at night offering no help or show no concern. May God bless and strengthen you all.
my mom just isnt very close to my sisters. if they tried to help mom would just bicker and battle with them. so its just me, mom , the canary and the hospice nurse and some days we probably dont make her feel very welcome. like grandpa simpson, our car gets 40 rods to the hogs head and thats the way we likes it.
I agree to 2 much 2 cover: You have to ask for help and if they don't have specifics and help then write them off for help. It is crazy not to want to care or help someone especially if it is your parents. Just picking up supplies they need, taking them to Dr. visit, or just checking in on them all helps. I also feel like I am only one who cares. My brother lives about 1 1/2 hours away but he could come and take my Mom to lunch or even grocery shopping once in a while. My sister who lives in Georgia actually comes twice a year and will stay for a week and do things with Mom. That helps by giving me a break! Good luck! Hugs to you!
You can only be a doormat if you lie down and act like one. Call your sister and say, I'm going out of town from x to y. Hope you can find someone to look after Mom.
The rare times I get to see my friends they are always scratching their heads and asking why my sibs don't pitch in more. I find myself making excuses for them, they are so busy, they work, they have a social life ect..... My best friend looked at me and said "So your sisters social life is more important then your Mother?" I asked her what she meant and she put in very simply "We make ourselves busy for a reason." Ever have that moment when the lights go on? It was like that for me that day. If you are too "busy" to make time for the Mother who raised you shame on YOU. There is so much guilt and past resentments - I get it - but it is time to move on and help as a family. Good luck to all - I know that I need it.
It's funny because as much as I complain that my siblings don't give me any help, my mother is just as bad in asking for anything from others (besides me, which she has no problem with...) or keeping in contact with anyone. She'll ask me "have you heard from your so-and-so lately?" I'll say "no" and I tell her she should give him/her a call once in awhile - the phones go both directions. Her response "oh i never know when they're going to be home..." So I'll remind her that's what answering machines are for. As far as "keeping me posted" remarks by my siblings...they know what response that remark is going to get them now ("no - why don't YOU call more often?") so they don't say that anymore. I'm done being the doormat. My husband and I are planning a trip out of state in June (graduation) so I am going to need someone to care for my mom while we are gone. I already know it's going to wind up being my aunt instead of my sister - they both live about the same distance away, but my sister always seems to "have plans" or "can't take that much time off of work". I'm done.
Yup, I hate those three little words "keep me posted." In fact, I had it out with mine last year saying that I will NOT keep them posted, but if they wanted to know what's going on to get their butts at the hospitals, at the house, get up in the middle of the night, etc. and FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES. It's only MORE work to keep anyone posted. You're not their administrative assistant nor are you obligated to report to them if they won't come around. My sister finally jumped in with both feet and now has my mom living with her. You are so right - a nursing home is not the best unless they are either totally catatonic or need care you can't provide, but otherwise being in an environment with their family and friends is better for them. I saw my aunts who got "dumped" into a nursing home and their sadness was awful.
I vow NO ONE would go through what i went through. With a family as large as mine we shouldnt had any issue of taking care of our parents but it was,,So i pray to all of you that is dealing with this kind of issue
I had asked my sibs over a year ago to give me 1 day a month to run errands, go to a movie, have a itty bit of time for myself. It lasted about 2 months and then the excuses began. My Mother has not seen my sister for almost 2 months now and she lives about 45 minutes away. I am lucky that my Mom can actually be alone for a while so I am still able to do some things for myself. However I am well aware that this will not always be the case. In my mind the way I handle the resentment is to keep my expectations of my sibs very low. I do not expect them to help anymore. It does feel lonely and I never thought it would be this way. I always thought we would pull together as a family. Everyday the 2 things that I pray for are peace of mind and contentment. I have found that my siblings might have the best of intentions but they are always going to put their lives first. I must be OK with that otherwise I am just an angry ball of resentment walking around. They miss out on being with their Mother these last few years. God bless all.....
It has been my experience that when I engage in conversation with family about my challenges caring for mom (with dementia) their come back is, "and that's why she belongs in a nursing home". No, she needs to be in familiar surroundings with people that love her. Another "comeback" is "look, YOU DECIDED to do this NOT ME. Trust me, I only needed reminding once.Caring for mother is now only half of the stress. The other half is coming to terms that I don't like the people I call family; I love them but I don't "like" them. They are not who I thought they were. To NOT LIVE with daily resentments is very hard. We all know there are "givers" and "takers". People by human nature tend to be takers. Only a few tend to really be the giver that has enough depth to do the right thing even when it's not convenient and it requires sacrifice.There is this thing called, "rightous indignation". It is the liberty to be angry when we see the vulnerable taken advantage of and forgotten about. It SHOULD make us angry at the BEHAVIOR of others, but not at the person. We must be careful, however that the anger doesn't morph into bitterness and hatred. Hatred only kills the hater. It makes us sick and we can't get sick, we've got too much riding on us. So, what I've learned to do is to pound my computer keyboard and COMMUNICATE with others that DO understand and care. Communication with like minded people is sometimes, other than prayer, all we've got.The lonliness and isolation of being a caregiver is the hardest for me. I've learned to dispise the 3 words, "keep me posted". No, if they do not care enough to become involved with any dependability they are just something else added to my list of things to do. "How's she doing" is answered with "why don't you come and see, we'd love to have you...matter of fact let me know what day your coming and maybe I CAN GET SOME ERRENDS DONE. Stifling silence. This is the deal guys...two things. One- People cannot give out of an empty bucket. Weather thier bucket is full of superficial stuff and selfishness or all the other toxic things people carry around. Only those WHO HAVE THE TRUE GIFT OF LOVE can find it and use it as a tool when life calls on us to have the strength and foritude to do what we do on a daily basis. Understand that not everyone has it. Some, will develope it over time and some never will. Two- Guard yourself against unforgiveness. I know it's hard, but think of unforgivness as a kind of "cork". It plugs up the bottle of blessings that are essential to our strength, joy, rest, optimisum and everything else we must possess a measure of to get through our days and nights. Many prayers I've prayed and told God I can't do this by myself. The burden is TOO heavy and the sacrifice is ALL consuming. Please strengthen me with your strength. And there in my anguish, in the quiet sobbing I feel the release of the burdensome weight. And, I feel the grace to go on. We were never meant to carry the weight of our "situation" alone, that's why we CAN'T and we break down. But when we admit it to the One that CAN bear it, MEANT to bear it and WANTS to bear it; it gives us the physical, mental and emotional infusion to face another day. Admit ing our inability to do this caregiving thing is the first step to being stronger. To be dependent on God is a pretty reassuring place to put my faith and trust.How many times have people said, "I don't know how you do it"? I tell them that God is my refuge and my fortress and it's ONLY in Him I can trust and DEPEND. Now that responce is the truth and if it brings any sort of conviction to the one hearing it, so be it. If I'm asked, I'll certainly NOT refrain. You can't live in the "front row " of this disease with no spiritual undergirding, period. Pray for the hardened hearts of others. Ask God to extend the grace to NOT be unforgiving of selfish people and understand that to do so only hinders the flow of what you need to have the strength to do your job in a GENTLE, loving way. YOU precious CAREGIVERS ARE SEWING SEEDS OF LOVE AND KINDNESS and rest assured the "others" are sewing seeds as well. Your kindness will come back to you. Where and how... is not our business, but I do know that God is not mocked and his word is truth that never changes. So you see, the universe will line up to render to us all what we have given. And guys, we've been making some BIG DEPOSITS. God SEES YOU. Thank you AgingCare.com for giving me a place to vent and share. This is theraputic for us all.
Lefaucon, In my case, this sil calls herself "born again christian", or so she professes?!! It's sad to think there are people out there who THINK they can be as nasty as they please while in this world , and do not think there will be any type of consequences for their actions at the end of their physical life!!! And I do know what God will see about me, when I stand before him. My only solice is knowing what she will have to atone for when her time comes !! As they say "what goes around comes around"!! And the punishment will fit! He has given me very broad shoulders so I can carry this burden. Also peace of mind to what I've been doing to help my MIL and my family! I'm still saying my prayers too!.. God bless
I have given up on my family. I have detached myself from them. I'm still not allowed to see or talk to my mom and I have to accept that. I have done everything I can to get in contact with her but my family won't let me since I made them step up and take care of my mom. I am currently in counseling to help with my self-esteem. I am a good person and I have done good and wonderful things for my mom. I will just have to treasure the memories I have of and with my mom. I have always been the one in the family to care for everyone else and put myself last. I am the youngest and am now 50 years old. Time for me to take care of me and stay on top of my mental illness.
I have a sister who really did not want to help but always wanted to be "kept posted." After my mom's last hospitalization, I told her to get off her dead butt and to the hospital like I do all the time if she wants information. Then when she (reluctantly) helps, she is so verbally abusive or manipulative with my mom, that my mom is dazed and confused or so extremely angry that it takes me days to calm her down, not to mention myself. Long story short, my sister has been put out for good since she is so abusive. Now I handle my mom all by myself but believe me, it's much easier!
Dear Ladies and men, Gosh, I am sooo sorry that you have siblings like that. Family dynamics is so complicated these days and past makes it worse. I do not have professional advice for any of you, all I can say is get help from the pros: be it a state organization for social workers, reporting some siblings who take money and take advantage of your parents to elderly advocate agencies, there is help out there for you, but you all must do something to stop them from ruining your and your parents' lives. Don't they know that they must stand before God in the end and give an answer for all that they have done? Its a frightening thing to stand before the living God in the day of judgment!! I will keep you all in my prayers during my quite time with Him daily.
When my mom passed, I went through this with my own family,( 7 children in all) and we were eager to do what needed to be done! Yes we argued, but then we resolved the difference! Same, when my Grandmother passed 1yr later. We were all there to help and support each other? This is NOT the case in my husbands family,( only 2 ,my husband and a sis)there is such hate there!!?? Its a constant fight for my husband just to get information from the sis! The sis threw POA at him( all done behind his back,and w/no mention of it), after she screwed up all the paperwork and SUCKED every dollar from her dying dad and ailing mother, so there is nothing left!!!! This person won't even return a phone call or answer her door when my husband goes over there??!! I argued and faught with my sibs all growing up, and as adults we have many differences of opinions!! But we don't hold grudges because one thinks differently than the other?! I wish I could infuse this on the SIL, she is making it so hard for her bro to give"the best care" to his mom (she is in dementia care facility)! All because she isn't "IN CONTROL" of everyone!!! I have mentioned to my husband that he should see our Lawyer about this paperwork, it's important that we get it! Now he has POA, he can do all of this?! He can't take time off because he we are paying 2 incomes now. He work's out of town so driving time is 1 and 1/2 hrs oneway, so he is doesn't get back home till everything is closed, to take care of business!! I have tried but can't, because I am not listed on the paperwork the SIL had drawn up!! But her husband is???!!!! I thank God for my Brothers and sisters, at least I can trust them! I would't trust the SIL as far as I can spit!!! She has taken so much already,...now shes trying to SUCK the life out of my family and I am NOT going to let that happen!!!! I will do whatever it takes to get things right, however I will not forsake MY family to get it done! Saying my prayers cuz they help me to get through this mess.....THx and God Bless those who are in the same perdicament
I guess I should clarify that my sister thinks I'm controlling my mom's money. Not my mom. I encouraged her to allow her attorney to handle her will and p.o.a. which she has.
We all have family mambers who we wish to take interest that don't. perhaps it's not your loved one they are not staying away from. Perhaps it's us! I wonder about that. My bro has not contacted his mother for 6 years. In that time he has told me he wanted to know when she passes. My mom asks all the time why he hasn't called her, not even for a holiday. I have sent letters and left messages but he has not been responding. I wonder each day what's going on with him. And why could be for many reasons. Illness, or just excuses. I'm sad more for my mom because as a mom myself I know the pain she must feel that her son has not called her. Life goes on, but we don't forget those who we don't know the whereabouts. my bro was manipulative and sneaky and took advantage of my mother all the time. The ax forgets the tree remembers! I pray that he's doing alright and perhaps will call when he comes to his sences!
Equinox
But I ALSO agree with hadenough!!!!
Have a good day everyone!
xo
-SS
Good for you!! Kick her useless butt out. All she does is create more problems with her evil attitude.
Gosh, I am sooo sorry that you have siblings like that. Family dynamics is so complicated these days and past makes it worse. I do not have professional advice for any of you, all I can say is get help from the pros: be it a state organization for social workers, reporting some siblings who take money and take advantage of your parents to elderly advocate agencies, there is help out there for you, but you all must do something to stop them from ruining your and your parents' lives. Don't they know that they must stand before God in the end and give an answer for all that they have done? Its a frightening thing to stand before the living God in the day of judgment!! I will keep you all in my prayers during my quite time with Him daily.