How to deal with siblings who don't help?

And also how the future looks grim when they say and do and falsely accuse their family. I've just decided that I'm not going out of my way for any of them. My oldest sister has refused to come to our home and my mom says that if that's the way she wants it then that's the way it will be. The extreme jealousy is insurmountable. I have been a homemaker my entire life only working part-time. My siblings like to act like I am "less" than them. So sad.

We are emptying out my mother's home and getting it ready for sale. I have filled 100 garbage bags with donations and throw away stuff. I am hauling it a little at a time to my house. My sister lives next door to my mom and when my mom went over to visit she tried to find out about my mother's will. My mom said that she thinks my husband and I are controlling her money which couldn't be further from the truth. My brother seems to enjoy getting my two sisters to find out about the will for him. I have told them both now that when he visits my mother, which has been three times in the last year and a half, he doesn't mention the will so he looks like a prince while they look like money-grubbers. My brother has had a dominant position in the family for years and years and my dad encouraged it. So now that my mom is living with us he is in a tailspin. I wish family would understand how horrible it makes a parent feel when they ask about valuables and wills and inheritance. So hurtful.

I know the honor thy mother and father. I feel in my heart I have for my mom.Her BF was even able to move in with us in that six years I took care of my mom. I wanted my mom to be happy although her BF and I didn't like each other. I had to take care of him as well. He is addicted to pain meds, narcotics. Gets them from the VA. He was hospitalized and my bro decided to take her from her apt, her BF and me. I can't imagine the confusion and frustration she must be going through. It makes me ill realizing I may never see my mom alive again. All because my siblings wouln't step up to the plate and help. They would rather tell me how to live my life and since I have a disability, as my bro says, "I would love to just sit on my butt all day." He contributed to my mental illness by raping me as a child. I feel no guilt because I know I did the BEST I could taking care of my mom without any help from my bro and sis. Now it's time for them to step up to the plate and do their part. I love my mom more than she'll ever know. My bro and sis have sent mean text messages and I have cut off all communication. They started texting my roommates cell phone. She has changed the number. They don't want anything to do with me other than to be abusive towards and spiteful. If I did as they said it was all fine. Although I am not currently a caregiver, I know how a lot of you feel. It is a thankless job yet rewarding. I can at least say I know my mom so much better than my bro and sis do. My mom is my best friend. We did everything together. She relied on me a lot. Just being by me would comfort her but my siblings don't look at it that way. It's either you take care of mom or you don't get to see her or speak to her. Now that I won't do, by myself, the whole caregiving, they're being total asses. I appreciate this website as a way to vent.

My sister lives 2 hours away, and my brother 2 states away. My brother has seen and called my mother a LOT more often than my sister, but obviously I can't rely on him for any "real" day-to-day help, but the fact that he makes the effort to visit when he can, etc. helps somewhat. My sister is always making excuses as to why she "can't" (translate: won't) help. After being a headstrong independent woman her entire life, she is suddenly "unable" to drive more than 1/2 hour away from her house if her husband can't go with her. My mom had hip surgery the beginning of september...sis hasn't called her or visited her once. She'll ask me how mom is doing - i'll tell her to call her and ask her herself. I'll complain about my inability to get a job because of all of the dr. appointments mom has, the amount of time she takes up in my day, etc. and i'm met with dead silence. ONCE she told me she's sorry that "you have to go through all of this by yourself." I said "hmm...that's funny because I thought Mom had THREE children..." Needless to say I don't ask anymore, I just seethe with anger and resentment and the next time she asks ME for any help (she had the nerve to complain that they needed help with their bathroom sheetrock once), I'll rattle off the mental list I am building up of the things that I needed help with for mom & that she ignored! It's not worth the time and effort asking her anymore.

My sister has money and I'm disabled with fibromyalgia and arthritis. I wanted mom to com to my home and stay with us. Aging I called and could get several caregivers for care. She controls all her care. Mom fell 3 weeks ago and had have hip replacement she was taken by ambulance from rural area to Kansas City. Mom's mind started 3 years ago dementia and mri I showed mini strokes and my sister is in denial!! She controls everything and takes meds away. I do what I can, course not enough. Having illness of my own is bad. Wednesday I go for surgery as out patient 3rd time in 2 months. I love my mother dearly but I got take care of myself. I feel terrible I can't do more. I call daily twice day or even more, you have to tell your name and I always tell her how much I love her and always mom did you say your prayers and she says yes I do say my prayers! I love my mom an one of the hardest thing to go through!

One of my bothers took $17000 from my mom and then dumped her in a horrible nursing home, the other brother lives far away and does text once in a while checking on her. I choose to take her in, it is my decision and I can't hold it against them for not helping.

Boy can i relate to this i came from a family of 12 and the bad part about this all the girls are in nursing with one nurse..i took care of my parents and with my mother a few girls help but when my dad needed it the sister that was living there skip out cause dad was in dementia and she didnt want to care for him..but when it was time to split the money OH BOY!! they were there, but i quit asking and the only time they did come around when they needed to borrow some money from dad..i had outside help came in. and even a few gr kids help..yea i quit asking it was making me crazy but i got used to to it i took care of my fathee to the end..but they all reap what the soulk trust me all my sibling are having issues..HONOR THY MOTHER AND FATHER IS WHAT I SAY

Have you ever heard the saying, "one mother can take care of 4 children but 4 children cannot take care of one mother". Yeah it hurts. Yeah it's exhausting and hard. I know; my sister does squat but criticize, and she has Power of Attorney!!! Insane; she lives 15 miles away, has no clue about what my husband, daughter and I deal with daily and yet has the fricking nerve to be cold, distant and butt in with criticism. Try to put it out of your mind; pretend that you are the only sibling and try to move on. Yes, I know it's easier said than done, but your parent truly, truly needs you. Be there for them! Get all the help you can from strangers: there are some fabulous groups out there. Contact your local hospital. There's a website that is a godsend: The National Family Caregivers Assn. And remember, you aren't alone!! We're always here for you to vent and each person here cares for you in your horrific dilemma.

You need to get POA and a caregivers contract asap! I went thru (still am) the same thing. Good luck

You know there is no answer to this question, because there shouldn't be one.
I've tried all of the above information and nothing helps. I just go on do what I have to for my Mom. God is my all and all in this situation. All of the thing besides life that her and God has given, they don't appreicate. I have no life, my kids are worried about my health trying to see about their grandmother. It's just me and my two boys and two nieces: behind six children and 26 grand children.

I've come to this conclusion,... No matter if you call to let the sibs know what is happening, or if their parent has an emergency, or even being hospitalized!! They "STILL" won't come!! The benefits aren't there to be given anymore?!!! As I have heard here before, they just DON'T care! I for one, am through wasting my time and money, and my parents happiness! Especially on people who are so selfish that they forsake the people who bore them!!! I can't even call them "family" except on paper. I had to harden myself to this fact in my husbands case, because this is happening with his family right now! If you don't it will eat you alive, just like the rotten sibs want!!!! Take care of yourself and those YOU know care for you and your family...! Godbless

Thanks, rovana. Yes, mom was very abusive to sis and me all through growing up. That's why we both left and married at age 16 (which was just as bad as home life) I forgave mom a long time ago..didn't say I've forgotten, I will never, ever forget. You just can't when are raised that way. But brothers were golden children and she NEVER, ever abused them. My oldest brother died when he was 30 ..drunk driver hit him. But my youngest brother who is almost 50 now..is only 15 min. from mom. Mom helped him the most. She helped him raise his family because his wife never worked. She babysat, held big Christmas parties, etc. spent lots of time with him and his family..gave him money each week...for over 20 years! So, I just don't understand how he could "write her off". Believe me, sometimes I want to. But, why won't he even care one itsy bit??? I understand sister not wanting anything to do with mom because she doesn't have Jesus in her life (is an alcoholic) and never forgave mom. The sad part is when Christmas or her birthday or Mother's Day rolls around and I am there with her gift, she always says..."Oh, this is from brother!!"....I used to say..."yes" but NOW I tell her the truth. They've ALL been from ME only for 6.5 years.

I'm still dealing with the fact that my bro won't let me talk or see my mom. My bro texted me on Friday to tell me to get a hold of my mom's BF to get her belongings. On Oct. 3rd, my sis texted me telling me if I wanted anything of my mom's I needed to get it by the 5th of Oct. The apt. complex said I couldn't get any of her things because I needed my mom's permission to enter her apt. or her own keys. Needless to say that my bro and sis have taken anything of sentimental value since my mom really didn't have anything of value. My bro and sis created this situation. They wouldn't step up to the plate and pitch in helping with my mom. I took care of her for 6 years. Her BF got sick and was put into a hospital. My bro called me and told me to go over to her apt. to stay with her. I stayed 2 weeks with little to no help. I have a mental disability and I had to put my foot down telling them that I won't do it. They are not going to make my life decisions just because they are older then me. I've taken care of another family member with the help of my mom when my mom was healthy. My siblings did nothing then, either. When my mom and her BF lived with me I was continually depressed. Mainly because of her BF. He used to self medicate with narcotics. I kicked him out but my mom wanted to move with him. So now I have to go on with my life knowing I will not ever see or talk to my mom again. My bro and sis are very hateful and spiteful. My bro raped me when I was a child and thinks he can still boss me and force me into doing things I can't or won't do. I can only imagine what he has told my mom as to why I haven't called or come over. I continually called just to have the phone not answered and he had moved and refuses to tell me where he lives so I can see my mom. All I can say is KARMA! May he rot in Hell.!!! My whole family feels I should be the one taking care of my mom. My father told me that she "mom" took care of me and I should do the same. Didn't she take care of my bro and sis too? Trying to put the guilt trip on me. It won't work this time. I didn't have a problem with the idea of taking care of my mom but I NEEDED help. My disability is too tough to deal with without making it worse so my bro and sis don't have to do anything. Now they have no choice. Let them see what it's like without having any help. I just know my bro has really hurt my mom not allowing her to see me or talk to me. Because I would tell her I loved her, she would cry. My bro doesn't want any drama thus, I can't speak to her. Almost been 8 weeks now. Again, KARMA!!!! Thanks for listening.

I have one sister, quick to want to place mom in a NH, but NEVER has helped. Funny......she is a CNA for a NH too.

I did the letter thing too and in it I told her she has some emotional issues and she needs help. I've asked her not to contact me until she seeks and starts receiving help because I cannot and will not deal with selfishness, and uncaring ways towards out mother. I won't deal with it.

I don't know where you are, but enlist help from other family members, your church and social services, if you can.

I feel as though I am experiencing something similar…my siblings have no real understanding/appreciation for what all I do since I am the only one 'in town'. I have spoken to counselors I work w/and one woman offered that they feel guilty and/or are paralyzed…w/fear, dread, nasty childhood dynamics, mental health issues or simply their own overwhelming lives. Denial is also a tremendous force in this scenario—simply put, this is an extremely complicated part of life. Each individual case shares similar dynamics while simultaneously hosting unique characteristics! My thoughts are w/you!
Question: Do you have power of attorney/executorship of your mother's estate/holdings? If not, now would be a good time to move in that direction, especially w/the dynamics @ hand. If YOU are spending an immense amount of 'billable' hours assisting your mom, you should be compensated—NOT THAT THIS IS THE GOAL, but, if the lifeguard doesn't float NOBODY SWIMS! You MUST take care of yourself!

Teachergear1, you are being a loving, wonderful person to keep hanging in there, trying to help someone who frankly sounds abusive. And, I don't really know about your sibs, your past family life, etc. But could I throw out an idea or two from my own experience? When there is abuse, stemming from childhood (not dementia or other current health issues) a child may have to "divorce" a parent in order to survive. After that detachment is made, the relationship may be over, just as if the parent is actually dead. You certainly should be able to expect financial help from sibs, assuming they are able, but not necessarily that they would resume any contact with their 'dead" mother. After my Dad's death, I may have spoken briefly to my mother on the phone over the years, mainly because I happened to answer the phone, but to me she was not a "mother" and I had no emotional ties left, of any kind. Completely uninterested in her life, death and funeral. Please try to consider that when an abusive parent is involved, they reap what they sowed and you and your siblings each have to decide how much contact you wish to have. The obligation to financially help a destitute parent remains, but that is the extent of moral obligation - I checked this out with a couple of moral theologians before I walked away. God bless you for trying.

Unfortunately you are never going to change them so try and be happy that you are doing the right thing or it will "eat you up" " If you can't change the situation change your attitude" is a great saying that I call on a lot in my life. I also believe that the person with the dementia does not want a lot of family doing the caring as they need quiet routine and can't adapt to changing from one home to another. By all means let them know what's involved, what you are doing on a daily basis and ask for some practical or financial help but if it's not forthcoming then you may just have to accept it - then you will be a lot happier I feel. I look after my dad full time and I have one sibling only who is very caring but her partner has Motor Nuerone Disease, so we pull together and help each other.I am lucky to have her!

I SO agree with deefer12. I stopped calling my siblings long ago when mom would have to go to the hospital. They never visited her while she was there, never visited while she's in NH...never anything. Sometimes I feel like sending them a letter telling them that they will not know when mom passes unless they start acknowledging that she is still ALIVE. They probably wouldn't even show up to the funeral anyway. GOD does help and I'm SO glad to have a personal relationship with him. That is what gets me through..that and my animals.

PaulaK, does your dad have difficulty answering the phones or hearing it ring or hearing the voice on the machine? My mother does. When my brother calls her she usually won't pick up the phone either but if I am there and hand her the phone, she will talk for an hour with him. I realize you are not there either but if this is a problem, maybe a phone that is louder? she could also send a letter if he reads. or she should leave a long message on the phone. Will he talk to you? Can you arrange a conference call with all of you on the line? can a prearranged time for the call be made so he knows it is her? Maybe he gets so many solicitation calls (like we get here) he just doesn't want to pick up the phone.

My sister lives next door to mom and only calls her to cause problems for sister and I that do all the care. She also calls DHS and makes false reports on me because she is jealous that i am mom's guardian. Another sister has not called or visited her once during the last six months - she lives about ten miles from mom and passes her house each Wed. for her church group meeting. She is sauce a hypocrite!

Listen to Only! I left my job 5 years ago to care for mom. I have 6 sibs and rarely see any of them now, even though Mom is still at home. I have to wash, dress, and feed Mom. She can no longer do anything for herself due to Parkinsons and severe dementia. I gave up on most of my sibs a few years ago when I could no longer take the stress of wondering if they would help. It took a huge weight off my shoulders to let go. I have enough on my plate here and don't need the extra stress. When Mom broke her wrist in January, I did not call my sibs. One of my brothers who only visits 2 to 3 times a year, (lives 15 minutes away) showed up unannounced a few weeks later and couldn't believe no one called to tell him. I said I hadn't heard from him in months and figured he didn't care. I had to take her to the ER on Memorial Day for a UTI and sat there for 4 hours. Didn't tell anyone that either.
I used to e-mail and call and give updates, but have not for quite some time now. They know where we are and if they really want to know, they can stop by any time. So don't expect things to change and if you can't do it by yourself, make arrangements to place her. If your sister doesn't like that, she can take over!

I have a related challenge ... my Dad, recently diagnosed with FTD, lives in Oregon. I live in California, and my sister lives in New Mexico. Since my mother's death 4 years ago, I have been the primary (and sole family) caregiver for my Dad, arranging for in-home visits from home help; taking over all bill-paying, taxes, etc.; visiting at least once a month to help clean; arranging for medical appointments and getting him to them; and navigating the whole Medicare mess. My sister would LOVE to help more. Because I am mindful of her much more challenging financial circumstances and even farther distance from where Dad lives, I have asked her to call him regularly (especially now that he can't drive anymore), just to contribute to the "social contact" he gets during the day ... which she has done, gladly, but my Dad does not seem to be receptive. My sister calls frequently and leaves messages for him to call her back, but he very rarely does ... they only seem to chat when he picks up the phone instead of letting it roll to voicemail (he doesn't have caller ID). This is making my sister feel depressed and rejected, and I am having to try to manage her hurt feelings now (and talk to her regularly about his condition, and remind her that my Dad's behavior is no longer completely under his control) as well as taking care of my Dad. I love them both, and I think we're all doing the best we can.

I guess I'm telling this story because while I know there are siblings who can't be bothered (my brother had a falling-out with my parents 25 years ago over and couldn't bring himself to reconcile or even answer letters when my mother was dying of cancer 4 years ago; nothing has changed with my Dad even now that the dementia diagnosis has been made) ... there are some who genuinely don't know what to do, or who even feel "shut out" because of underlying currents in their relationship with the primary caregiver or the person being taken care of. There are some who simply don't seem able to face the tangible, daily evidence of decline, whether because they so fear this eventuality for themselves or because they can't stand to see it in a loved one ... and there are still others who simply don't have a clue how overwhelming and completely life-swallowing caregiving for a failing parent can be for the person who is actually doing it (I think some have an idea that caregiving amounts to basically poking your head in a door from time to time and asking your parent, happily ensconced in front of a favorite tv show with a cat on his or her lap, if he or she would like a nice cup of tea!!!).

I'm not saying this is an excuse, or that adult siblings shouldn't "man up" and help with the tough stuff, however much it inconveniences or uncomfortable it makes them -- just reminding us all that we can't always know the whole story of what's going on in other people's heads and hearts ... to cut people slack wherever you can ... and to rant loudly when you're driving by yourself in the car, just because it helps to get some of the frustration off your chest! :-)

This all being said, I think it IS fair and important to think about what your siblings could do that would actually be helpful to you, and to ask them, straight out, to do it. I know the following won't work in every case, but for some of you with siblings living close by, you may find that they are more comfortable helping you with chores/tasks in your own life while you continue to handle the direct caregiving ... for example, if they live close enough, helping you run errands, babysitting kids, providing pet care, and so on ... thereby helping to free you for the important work you're doing.

One final thought ... I have found in my own life is that while I am the one who has primarily carried the caregiving burden where my own parents are concerned, my brother (the one who hasn't helped with our parents at all) and his wife are caring for her mother (who lives with them now, though she doesn't have dementia or major physical issues, so there's a limit so far to how much of an impact on their lives this is having) ... similarly, my brother-in-law has been helping for many years to take care of his wife's failing parents (not an easy task, as they have dementia and hoarding issues) ... and my sister, in a much earlier time, tried valiantly to help care for my aging grandmother. For what it's worth, on my bad days, it helps me to believe that everyone gets multiple chances over their lives to "step up" and help someone else who needs them ...

I don't know how people survive without Jesus. I just really don't. If it wasn't for my deep personal relationship with Him I would be eaten up with resentment at my siblings. Instead He helps me to forgive them and to continue trying to be an example of Christ's love, which in case you didn't notice is a harder and harder thing to do these days. I get angry and bitter, but one Sunday at church....like today....and I'm back on track. Jesus has supreme authority over ALL things. If He brought you to it....He will bring you through it! Hang in there kiddo. If they won't help forget about what they won't do and do what you do so well! And probably better!!

I have the same thing - a brother that has been waiting for my parents to die so he can have the money - Dad passed 4 years ago - and I just put my mother in assisted living - live 3 hours away - took almost a month off work - and my brother called twice - the day I went down - and the day I came back - and said (at least) thanks for doing that - and he would not be going down to see her. I am so thankful to my husband and kids for helping and supporting me - I have just written my brother off. Karma!

You will find this is a frequent topic of discussion in this forum. How to get the sibs to help. What I do with my brother and sister is try and give them notice of when they will need to see Mom. I ask for a visit from one of them 2 times a month. It is not much since I am here 24/7. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it does not. I had to really lower my expectations with my siblings. I just love Sooozi comment about being at the bedside of her Mother while her brother was skiing. If I look in my heart I am right where I want to be or I would not be here. I could never go on vacation while my Mother or any close family member was hospitalized. I just would not enjoy myself - and for that quality I am grateful.

I just need to remind myself that (unfortunately) this is a temporary situation. One day I'll yearn for the time that I could hold mom's hand or feel dad's scruffy face. I will have the memories. They will not.

I agree with onlyoneintown1 It's very difficult to believe that the siblings truly don't care, but that is the truth. They cared as long as mom and dad had something to give them, financially or as a compliment in front of other siblings, as if there were a score card among the families. Now that the score card is not being kept, and mom and dad need help financially, comments such as "I just can't go there", " I have to work 7 days!!", or better yet, no phone calls at all to even see if they are alive. They all used that family cabin, but didn't mow this past summer,( or pick up their own trash!) they could "go there" though. By me interjecting and asking for help, and telling them if they use that cabin why not mow it? I have become an enemy. I chose to sarcastically let my sister know that since I am doing the work I will easily convince my mother to hand everything over to me. Of course, I have no intention on using my parents assets for anything but their care, but you should have seen the demon eyes come out. I was a fool I didn't believe it would happen to my family, but my dad isn't dead yet, and my mom isn't close, and it already has !

My Mil,s son is the one who does it all, his sister always has had some excuse or other not to help! I try to help with my MIL but my husband won't let me unless HE asks me too? My SIL has "BETTER THINGS" to do than help with HER mother?! She would rather go on vacation too....and DOES!!!! I have tried to be of help in doing, paperwork, bills, washing clothes.....etc. ! Now,... I am only allowed to do these things, when I am ask?? I keep hearing from my husband how much stress he has, but at the same time so do we (me and our son)! I have tried to talk with him about mail that needs to be addressed, I also mention to him about what he has to get, "mailed in"..(as far as the important paperwork goes), too?! I finally just stopped saying anything to him because he got so nasty with me. I put the mail where he CAN see it and let it go from there! You can help someone when they DON'T want you to??. Plus, I ask God to help me cope. I guess we all have our challenges, it's how we meet that challenge that's important!!! THX for listening it helps my spirit emmencly knowing there is a place for "My thoughts" here on this site!! Godbless

Loveher, Welcome n A lot of people on here have offered some good suggestions. I would suggest too that to try n see if you all can set up a time n day for a family meeting and discuss what exactly you want them to help you with for a lot have no clue. Be Specific as someone else mention. IF u r planning on being the sole caregiver then u will also need some respite break for yourself so that u don't get burned out. That would be another point to put out that u need a certain day n hrs so that u can get out of the house to breath. I don't know how to insist how important that, "You are going to need those break!" I hope you are able to get some of the sibs to help out. Good luck n let us know how things r going.

When my mom was in the hospital once, my brother was skiing in France. For a moment I thought... what have I done with my life that he is skiing !!! and I'm sitting at mom's bedside while she is suffering in the hospital. In a flash, I knew I was right where I want to be! I would be miserable skiing in France if my mom was suffering.

Everyone is different. I also struggled with realizing that I had no life and my health was deteriorating. I have made some adjustments to take better care of my health, because it would make no sense if I got sicker than mom, but I still have no other life than caring for her... and you know what? That is my choice! Now that I've thought about it, I'm OK with my decision and I'm happy about it.

Of course when mom gets snappy and critical, I do not want to be there and neither do my siblings. If the elder person is ugly and mean spirited then I can understand why people stay away. We have said to my mom, if she wants people to be around her, she needs to be considerate of them and respectful. She is working on that, although she is not perfect and can get pretty insulting and nasty if she doesn't watch herself. Then, she finds that people stay away....