Siblings have demonized me and will not speak to me after I requested a weekend break. What can I do?

I am sorry that you are having a hard time. You need to take care of yourself. Where will your mom be, if something happens to you? Maybe she could go to a care facility, and give you a respite for a few days. If not, she could outlive you. You just can't do the job of a full-time medical staff. Trying to, killed my sister.

Our mom needed to be in a nursing home, but that wasn't possible as long as she hovered over Mother. Now, my sister is gone and Mother is the life of the party at the local nursing home. Who knew? We certainly didn't.

Thank you for your kind words and support. This site is new to me, thank goodness I found you! I know I'm having a blue day today... pitty party, table for one!

I truly feel your pain, but I love your comment about "Caring for her is tough but I feel it is the last gift I can give her". This comes from a beautiful, giving heart. Try to get over the hurt because things probably won't change. Your mother is probably hurt to that they don't visit her and may be blaming you, but this may change. It finally did for me and now my Mother understands and accepts that it is just the two of us. Sending you loving thoughts and prayers.

Thanks for the footnotes. They help explain what is at the bottom of your siblings demonizing you that is your mother's resentment and anger has flowed over into her conversations with them about you and has painted you in a bad way to them. I hope that you have said something to your mother about this at least that you know what she is doing. That's one way she's dealing with her anger/frustration. The other way is your description of her ignoring you when you are around, but being so chatty when one of the siblings calls on the phone. All of the above is passive aggressive emotional blackmail. and it's coming at you from two directions. That is quite a mess.

Aubrey, this is terrible. As hard as it is to do, try to let go of the resentment and anger at your siblings for its like holding on to poison that in the long run will only hurt you and do nothing to them.

I would definitely not do anymore forced parties. They don't deserve it.

How old is your mom? How exactly has her health gotten worse over the past two years?

Does your mother have any resources to pay for some caregivers to come to the house and tend to her so that you can get a break?

What does your husband think and feel about all of this? Have the two of you talked in depth about your mother's need for care, your taking this on all yourself, and how this is impacting and has already impacted your marriage over the past 5 years as well as how things need to be dealt with now into the future and how this is impacting and has already impacted your children as well as how things need to be dealt with now and into the future.

Sorry to be so in your face when you have your siblings demonizing you in your face and your mother's care in your face, but your first priority really is your husband whose not really had a wife it sounds like for 5 years and even less for the last 2 and your children who it sounds like really haven't had a mom for 5 years and even less for the last 2.

I say this as a husband who has been in this boat but not with the same exact same components, but the feeling of being a single parent although married is real and children missing their mom although in the house is real. It was a very good day when my wife set some needed boundaries with her mother and became a fully present wife and mother again.

Frankly, I hope I'm wrong with this description, but if I'm not you're walking on thin ice and it's past time to make some changes.

I wish you the best as you find your way through this mess which I'm sure you will. Come back and let us know how things are going.

Caregiving is such a tough job and only those who do it can really understand. I say, if you ask for help from your siblings and they refuse, then you have to accept it and move on. I have hosted family parties for years in an effort to give Mom and our family some good memories. This year, I decided to forget all the parties, do what I can for Mom as the only caregiver and forget the rest...we are only human. We can't change anyone but ourselves. I'm done with my siblings being 'victims' while Mom's heath declines. Focus on helping Mom and yourself; make memories of this. I'm learning to accept the reality of the situation...I don't have to like it, but I also don't have to chose to be angry and resentful.

Unfortunately, what you are describing is not rare and happens to a lot of us that make the choice (or get stuck not by choice) caring for our parents. My siblings have been useless. Each time I've asked for some help, or even some support by just listening, they've turned on me and attacked. They just don't want to be bothered, don't have the time to visit, and certainly aren't going to help care for mom. They are just waiting for the estate to be disbursed, and will be first in line to collect the money. I have news for them: it will all be gone long before mom dies, since there isn't enough to pay for all the care she will need. Because they aren't living with mom's situation and don't have to deal with the daily realities of what is happening to your parent, it's "out of sight and out of mind". It must be nice to be that sibling. But these are also usually the same people that spend the rest of their lives complaining about their regrets. Chin up, you know you are doing the right thing, and you have to give yourself a pat on the back every day, since it sounds like there isn't someone else around to do that.

Some footnotes: Mom regrets/resents giving up her former independence such as driving. At age 88 we discussed it with her doctor and gave her the choice, there had been several mishaps + it was just too dangerous to continue. She has had 2 small strokes that we know of and shows some signs of dementia. It has come to my attention that she has been complaining to my sibs that I've taken away her control i.e. driving, her finances etc.and at times indicates that I am mean to her. This is so far from the truth, I only stepped in once the help was needed. I love her dearly and have always been her closest confidant. These days she is often child-like and ignores me when I'm with her however when one of my siblings calls she's chatty and sparkles. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I've asked my siblings to read up on eldercare and normal family dymanics but so far they haven't or won't. My husband has written them off and is disgusted by their behavior but as a Christain and their sibling I still struggle to believe they would treat me this way.

I am so sorry this has happened. If you haven't read other posts here along the same lines; it could be helpful. You are not alone! You can't change people and allowing the hurt and anger to linger will only affect you, physically and emotionally. Believe me, it isn't bothering your siblings. They strike out at you to make themselves seem the victims.

Contact your local agency on aging or Mom's doctor about services she might be eligible for that can give you a little relief. You do have to take care of yourself first and then your own family. It may be time to look at other living arrangements for Mom. It is a rough journey, I wish you well!

Wow, Aubrey, I feel your pain. Two of my sisters, the two I was actually closest with, turned on me when I asked for support in taking care of our mother. I never asked for actual weekends or time off from any of them, just support. I think what you asked was eminently reasonable but your sibs need to rationalize in their minds why they aren't willing to do it so they're blaming you. One of my sisters did that. Basically guilted me like "you committed to taking care of Mom and now you're backing out," neither part of which was true. I stepped up to help out when help was needed; I did not go around to my siblings and say "Don't worry, I've got Mom covered in every way for all eternity, you'll never be called upon to help." And even if I had said that, things change. People overestimate what they can do and underestimate the strain and drain it's going to be on them. Your siblings are behaving like hassoles and are supporting each other in it. Mine do to. I too was full of hurt for a long time. The hurt gradually eased, but I know I'll never feel the same about them.