Siblings have demonized me and will not speak to me after I requested a weekend break. What can I do?

CarlaCB -

My sister lives in another state. When I even hinted several years ago that we had not had a vacation since 1999 her comment was - What? You want me to take care of mom! She was highly insulted that I even hinted.... I coward out and said of course not. I even suggested to my sister that I would leave the house for a couple of days so she could spend time with mom without my husband or me here. She said absolutely not, she would not feel comfortable staying here. My sister is 72 years old, time to grow the heck up! My poor mom thinks her daughter hates her and nothing I can say can change it but I try - my sister says I am driving a wedge between them (???).... also I am wondering if my sister has the beginnings of dementia, can't remember when mom's started. My daughters see what I go through and are very supportive. I am very blessed. I have learned to get help wherever I can and as much as I can afford. Respite is $165 a day here (3day min), unfortunately my mom gets sick when she goes - the anxiety makes her physically ill - so that does not work well for me.

Care4Mom2 -

That's outrageous. You should tell your sister that if she wants to see Mom she can always bring Mom to her own house for a week or two, or take her on a nice vacation. One of my sisters made the same excuse, while I was living with my mother (in a house we own together). I moved out after 9 months or so, and you know what? Sis didn't start coming around more often. It was just and excuse, like so many others in the past and now.

Your sister should be ashamed of yourself. Even if she's uncomfortable in your house, she should let herself be uncomfortable for a few hours to see her mother, and because her mother needs/wants to see her also.

Some towns and cities have community mediation centers, or perhaps an aging care advocate, could help you meet with your sibs to work out schedules. They need to hear that if they can't put in time themselves, then they need to put in money. It is not fair or right that one sibling bears the financial as well as the sacrifice of their life, time and future. A third party facilitator would keep the meeting on a businesslike track "this is a challenge to be solved. What is each person willing to do about it?" Much easier than trying to talk to sibs by yourself, when there is all that history behind you.

$3000/wk?! what if you didn't have that kind of money?

Try an appropriate facility for a few days respite, take your own family and take off for a weekend. She might enjoy being with different people for a change!

This is the example you are giving your children.
This is the example they are giving theirs.
Do as you can, but do not expect or demand their help, you can only commit for yourself. You can only give what you are willing to give. If you need respite, pay for it, if at all possible from Mom's assets.

My sister has just been here for her 2 hour once a year visit. She is now blaming me that she can no longer see her mom because she does not feel welcome in my home. Oh Lordie, once again I am everyone's problem but this time I believe it is HER Own Guilt doing that. 13 years of caregiving - I am too exhausted to care! TEFLON is the word, just like Cleverdish posted. You can still love your siblings but just no longer accept being their garbage dump.

Aubrey, Carla s so right. Whenever I.commuicated anything related to Mom, twisted1 would not reply at all, and she is the worst of the two in terms of assisting with anything. When this all began close to four years ago now, we hada family meeting with a social worker involved that was, I guess, measuring the family dynamic or some odd thing. Twisted1 actually announced, in no uncertain terms, in this meeting that she was unwilling to do anything to help because of me having to adjust times with her on a couple of occasions and how those changes cost her monitarily since she was not able to see patients (yes she is a counselor and yes she calls her clients patients) during those couple of hours. Seems there are many more hours in a week to me, but beside the point. Twistes 2 blames her lack of involment on me and how stressful I had made the household. Well, come and relieve me once in awhile to see how stress level decreases.

And now, naturally, with Mom in a facility both are doing their hardest to look good in the presence of others. I have had a number of discussions with staff there that understand what has occured, and now are only concerned with my mom's welfare which is what they should be doing.

The reason twisted2 insisted mom be placed, because it would cost less than living at home with me paid as her caregiver at 2k a month plus 1.5k a month for daycare program I took her to. What is mom paying now? She has had a very difficult time and the facility required a 24/7 caregiver be brought in to monitor mom's behavior, at an approximate cost of 3k a week in addition to the 6.5k a month for the facility. So, twisted dearest, be careful what you wish for. Nothing like mom doing exactly what I thought ahe would. She even tried to climb a seven foot privacy fence to get out a couple of weeks ago, only scraping her hand, thank goodness.

You know, Aubrey, I just reread your post where you describe how your brother blames his lack of cooperation on "the call" that you made to another sibling. It reminds me of one of my sisters. Right after we moved my mom to be closer to my two older sisters (although I was still the primary caregiver) I messaged my two sisters saying I thought we needed to have a family meeting to discuss how Mom was doing in her new home. My oldest sister refused to even grace me with a reply, telling my other sister that she didn't like the feeling that she was "being summoned" so she saw fit to not respond to my request at all.

My point is that uncooperative, unwilling siblings will use any excuse to blame their lack of cooperation on the person actually doing the work. It's appalling and disheartening, but I've seen it over and over so I know that's how it is.

Aubrey, sibs can be a challenge as I have had with my two twisted sisters, 1 and 2. I have thrown up the white flag and cooperated with placement about a month ago now. But, they still continue with their narcissistic smear campaign against me. They will not tell me specifics of how mom is doing, I see her twice a week now, but the twisteds are now finding out first hand that things were REALLY as difficult as I had described, and have actually become worse with mom. Moves are very hard on those with dementia.

So, don't expect it to stop even if mom were placed, it will continue until after death, and probably the rest of our lives. Just know you are not alone. My personal belief when these things happen is that they hope to wear you down so you will be rid of mom one way or the other in order to relieve their guilt for not being hands on. In addition there is also an element of jealousy that you have the personality, patience and fortitude to continue in spite of the additional stress that they cause.

Best wishes to you as you continue to fight this battle, I am rooting for you.

I am no saint, I would love to blast them. What would that accomplish? Give them validation??? No way! I refuse!

I'm sorry to hear this Aubrey, but I'm really not surprised. The excuse of a "feud" allows them to make their absence and refusal to help with your mother seem understandable and excusable. That's the kind of thing people do when they don't want to either change or admit that they're at fault. Shameful, but it is what it is. I'm so sorry you're faced with this in addition to the strain and sacrifice of caregiving.

Oh Aubrey, I'm sorry, how discouraging. Could you tell the other family members something along the lines of 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'? I'm sure they mean well in offering you this information, but unless it's useful in some way perhaps it would be best to deter them gently.

After all, it's hard to have a feud with someone who knows nothing about it. And that way the rest of the family will know that whoever is creating the ill-will it can't be you, because you're not doing anything. Hugs to you, it must be very depressing.

Hi again from Aubrey,
Recap: my sibs are absent (3 hours way) melign me to all who will listen even as I continue to care for every aspect of mom's care. Recently they have begun to label this situation as a "feud". As if I have the time or desire to fight with them!? I have taken your advice and have not asked for their help, have not confronted them and I have accepted that I cannot compel them to give mom even a small measure of their time or attention. I will say that I am sad to hear from other family members that despite my best efforts they continue to cultivate ill will.

Wow Sascaregiver that was spot on! Thank you. Honestly, I've known the score for a long time. Years ago when we were young adults "with lives" my sibs chose not to visit for any of the traditonal family holidays. I'll never forget my parent's quiet hurt. That is when my husband and I made a conscious decision to host fun family holiday events. Warm and loving holiday gathers were always a part of our lives. When my siblings did not visit I got them "off the hook" by hosting the big family events early enough in the season that there could be no excuses for non-attendance. Looking back I wouldn't change a thing. It is enough that my parents were able to enjoy their grandkids and children and thier feelings were spared.

Aubry- you have done enough and they will never appreciate your efforts. You might want to give up on feeling heartbroken because of their disrespect for your mom and for you and step back into your own power. It's good you realize you had the parties forcing your sibs to visit. They haven't changed or shown any signs of appreciating you after all you have done for your mom so the big payoff you're looking for is not going to happen through your family. You are entitled to feel a bit sorry for yourself, but don't waste too much time placing blame on your sibs as if you are surprised that they don't measure up to your high standards and failed your test miserably. You are doing what they flatly refuse to do, it's not you it's them. Everyone knows what they've done and unfortunately it sounds like they will use any tactic to avoid taking responsibility. You see that they would rather just not talk about it than to be forced and they refuse to be embarrassed into doing anything to help you. See them for who they are. Many of us have been in your shoes, so please don't be too hard on yourself. You meant well and went all-out thinking it would be appreciated in some way. You might want to draw the line with them. Stop playing the game, stop trying to get them to do anything, and take some time to think about how you could have been mistaken thinking that they would help you when you need it. You deserve better than this so just realize you were wrong about them and find a better way to love your mom without their involvement. Rethink your strategy: at some point your mom might not even remember them. At this point you don't owe them anything other than reasonable communication about your mom's health, you won't have to bother with asking them over again, so if they don't come on their own accord it's their loss and it's certainly not your fault.

I like your comment, 'end of life and unending life'. Not disrespectful. It does get that way sometimes, especially when you are doing it alone in a multi child family. I wish there was a contract we could draw that all signed helping all understand the pain, heartache and hard work that goes into the frustrating work of 'raising' ones parents, as that is how it feels sometimes. I suppose the degree of dementia along with each parents personality disorder, as well as our own issues, creates this opera of chaos no one can understand until they stand in the eye of the storm. Who is that man or woman that is wearing my parents wrinkled face?

Step away from the drama already. Don't ask for anything. Be polite and aloof. Cover your heart in Teflon. Move on.
Some questions have no answers. Some problems have no resolution.

Aubrey, if I remember correctly from earlier in this thread, I seem to remember that your mother is bad mouthing you behind your back to your siblings which is not helping either and only makes things worse.

Your SIL sounds like quite a mess. I would not talk anymore with that brother since his wife twists everything you tell him. Are the spouses of your other siblings better than to do that? I hope so. I wish some outside, objective moderator type person could intervene and separate fact from fiction in this situation.

This is the confusing and sad part. If you met my sibs you would think they were nice people. In many ways they are (I am serious)...ask them and they'll tell you so (now snarky)...like my one brother recently did when we spoke by phone. He said and I quote "If you had asked for help we would have stepped up, we are caring and generous people. But the way you handled it with "the call" wasn't necessary." WHAT? I've asked them numerous times in numerous ways, we had a family meeting that they requested for gosh sakes! What in the world??? The brother who made these remarks was not the brother who got the "the call"! So his impression is all hearsay....and how is that you ask? If you hung around my sibs long enough you would find that my SIL (wife of the bros who I did call) has a wonderful gift for "talking" about her husband's family members. She has years of experience in this field and twisted my message to all who would listen. She's the twit that blocked me on social media after I asked them to come every 3 flipping months to give me a weekend off. Any new readers to this thread remember I'm now using mom's funds for a team of sitters for a portion of each day b/c it was too much for me. I'm trying to distance myself from my siblings and learn not to care about their opinion of me but as I said in the beginning of this thread it hurts to be meligned when I'm responsibly caring for mom's needs (she lives 2 houses away from me). It's like I can't win. I do their work but as you all know even with sitters I'm invloved every single day with some aspect of mom's care and hear me I'm not complaining abou that part....it is my siblings feelings toward me that hurts. Wow, I do it all and get to ease their guilt to boot. Unbelievable!

It's frustrating being the 'only' one caring for a parent. What we seem to be ignoring here is a common story: those far away have some sort of guilt trip that gnaws at them. Since they are not there all the time, they have no idea what we on the front go through. They fly in intermittently and become 'golden'; they call on the phone and are above reproach. This is a common human reaction to such situations. When I was in the death-care business it was the same. Relatives flying in always trying to 'change' and 'fix' the caregiver; totally unconscious of the efforts made and exhaustion inherent in the task. I suggest getting info and counsel from your local funeral home about managing emotions at both end of life and what seems unending life (no disrespect here) . There are free books in their on-site libraries to borrow or keep, and help-groups at no charge. You may even benefit from the bereavement groups given by many hospices: you'll meet folks that have gone through what you are going through, and have come out the other end. Hope these ideas have helped- both the out-of-town sibs, and the front-liners. Seeing over four thousand families go through losing loved ones, in most instances elderlies, has certainly given me a larger perspective, both in dealing with emotions and finances.

No problem 2ndBest.

when my MIL was with us, when I needed help, I told her daughters to remember that the grandkids were watching how we treated Grandma--and some day WE would be the Grandmas! That helped a bit, but it was us DIL's that did the bulk of the granny-care. Got lots of advice from the sisters, however. We just dealt with it as best we could, and figured out that we were better off without their "help".

Aubrey, maybe the moderator on this post can delete my posts above. I was confused and had two windows open a the same time and my post was intended to be in response to Debbie1956, but mistakenly posted to this thread. Oops! Sorry.

Aubrey, in reading over my last comment I see that it doesn't really relate to your situation specifically, other than the sibling difficulties. I must have read another post that I was writing in response to...not sure what. Oh well, still I want to say that this elderly parent phase of life is difficult at best for all concerned. Sound like your heart is in the right place, but navigating through all the misunderstandings, hurt feelings and other issues with siblings makes it far more difficult for our parents as well as for us, their adult children. The biggest problem I see in my own family is the secretiveness between my sister and mom - they operate under the radar and this makes my mom very vulnerable to abuse - my mom can't voice any complaints against her for fear of being abandoned by the one she totally relies on. That would be fine if the "one" she relies on were a normal person with a conscience, but she is not. She is a conniving, deceitful sociopath. I have concerns about someone like that having 100% control of our mother's welfare - all the way from dispensing her pills to handling her finances. But my voice is not heard. My mom lives in denial but she wants it that way, so who am I to argue?

You know, this question and these responses are really important to us all, regardless of how many times we have seen them or how many times they are on this site. You have new folks coming on board, and older discussions get pushed down etc. Thank you for asking.

I am there too. My only, younger sister is exactly this person as well. She recently refused to take mom to the hosp. when she called her, telling my sister that she could not breathe or stop coughing. My sister told her since she did not have a fever, she could not have pneumonia. My mom called her instead of me, according to my mom, because she calls me for everything. I am the DPOA. But, she hung up and called me, I took her to the hosp. She had pneumonia and was put into the ICU immed. My sister then told all that it was my fault because we had an argument, mom and I, earlier. I asked mom if that is why she did not call me and she said, "lord no, we argue and it does not bother me at all". Which is true, she wants to argue, starts them. But they kill me, another topic.

My sister is angry that I was appointed DPOA. I am done with it. It was not for my intelligence being greater than hers or any other thing than the fact that I do not work. I am sick and home. So, they chose me, and the fact that I was a stock broker and banker for a living so they factored that in. She is livid and an idiot. I am done with her. I have begged her every way from Sunday to take the POA but I would not give it over to her now. She will NOT take care of our mom. She has NO idea how much stress and work this is. Mom is obstinate and difficult sometimes, and unfortunately., they are exactly alike.

There is a lot to say, but I will stop with that. TY for the question. We all need validation and this is so flipping sad. This is the time we should find each other not rip each other apart, as siblings. My sister also does the bad father thing. He was not perfect but he was a heck of lot better father than she has been a daughter.

Aubrey, I feel the same isolation from my mother as you describe. I live out of state and about 800 mi from my mom and siblings. On my most recent visit with my mom in her senior apartment, she and I spent a week together and we did a lot of nice and meaningful things. I took her to places she wanted to go - the cemetery, driving to see our old house my husband and I lived in when we lived there, visiting the hospital she used to work at as a nurse, neighborhood I grew up in, etc. When my sister called while I was there, my mom told her what we did that day together: saying that "she" went to the cemetery and "she" put flowers on our relatives' graves, "she" went and saw where my brother used to live (I lived 3 houses away on the other side of the same street but she only said she drove by my brother's house - not mine) never mentioning me like I wasn't even with her! I drove the car and did everything with her, but in order to pacify my sister, who I no longer speak to due to the fact that she's a sociopath controlling our mother, my mom totally left me out of the conversation. That told me a lot about how my sister manipulates my mom into taking her side. She has to discount me and show loyalty to my sister in order to keep her happy and continuing to take care of her. I kind of understand, but it hurts none the less. My sister also accused me of hiding an item she had lost while I was there. When she found it inside my mom's bag containing her legal documents a month later in front of the family, she pretended she had no idea how it got in there and said that I must have hidden it in there while visiting. So my mom doesn't know who to believe, but my sister has her ear and is there in town, so the result is I get a cloud of suspicion over me that I can do nothing about. It is so painful when I am a good, honest and caring person to be slandered like that. But when you have a sociopath that is posturing for control and scheming to get her hands on the money, I am just part of the collateral damage as we go through this saga. I so sympathize with what you are going through. It is agonizing and all you can do is further distance yourself from them, sad to say. But try to stay in touch with your mom - they are so easily influence by the evil ones in our families that have an agenda. So sad.

Good time Charlies, that's a good discription of my sibs.

I concur with all that has been mentioned above. 6 kids in this family... 1 caretaker - ONLY me! They all come up with excuses, reasons, blame game, etc to get over their own guilt of being the back-out kids. Backout of all responsibility. The sooner YOU accept it the better off YOU will be. Find as much free help as you can thru Senior Services or take respite through Hospice or paid help whenever possible and enjoy the time you can trying to have some type of normalcy in your life. My relationship with the other siblings will never be what it once was but that is okay. They will have to deal with it at some point in their lives... here or the next. Stay Strong!

everyone has their own way of dealing with aging parents. My dad's family were not close, although they loved each other. contact your local Area Agency on Aging, they should have a caregiver program that can provide respite and support. It's a great program. They should also have programs that provide in home services, if your mom qualifies she can have a caregiver to come in and assist. This gives you a break or a chance to go shopping. You are right, it is always a good thing to discuss wishes for our end of life care. If she hasn't completed advance directives, have her do so. My mom's family is closer and have always visited regularly, so I've experienced family from two viewpoints. Some people are unable to 'handle' a loved on becoming ill or declining. I can't say why your siblings are the way they are. If they don't come and visit, it's their loss. You know you are doing everything you can to make sure you mom is cared for. Good for you. I'm caring for my dad, I moved in 2 years ago. My brother lives nearby and helps out with bigger things such as home maintenance. I know he's there if I really need him but I do all of the inside chores, care for dad, attend medical appointments, some outside chores etc. Maybe your siblings would stay in touch via phone, I'm sure mom would like to hear from them. As caregivers we need to care for ourselves, but you also need to enlist your husband/children when you can. I'm sure this has been difficult for you. It's unfortunate your siblings don't help out willingly. Maybe they think because you live closer it's easier for you-I don't know. You are helping mom take care of all the details for end of life care. This time is precious, enjoy her while you have her. Family squabbles are the worst It's there loss in my book.