Siblings have demonized me and will not speak to me after I requested a weekend break. What can I do?

Mom did have a house. She sold it. Paid Dad's end-of-life hospital bill for six days: $18K. Paid her hospital bill for 2010 for four days : $23K. Has SS to the tune of $1300 month. Has seven docs,+ meds (had prescription insurance); saving up for radiation co-pay of $4500. Not eligible for medicaid. Never was. Has about $2300 in the bank; finally qualified with $1339 month share-of-cost. Since radiation is over a six to eight week period...she's paying the co-pay either way. At $22-$25 AN HOUR for a companion...I realize each state is different, but it's a real issue for all 63 million of us.

I cannot respond personally to the sibling issue because my brother died young, so there is only me doing this...but as a retired RN, I will say (and not to stick up for anyone here....just another thought to ponder over....) some people do not have what it takes to be a caretaker in any way, shape or form. They wouldn't be able to care for their own child, let alone a parent in declining health....and if this were the case, then could they do another part of the 'care'....pay the bills, do the paper work to get Mom qualified for Medicaid, research some other type of assistance needed? If no one will even help with that sort of thing, then, as Ferris and others have said....they are not going to change....and give up wishing. They will likely show up at the funeral, with their hands out for their inheritance. If you control the money, spend it on your Mom....get her some help in the home, so you can have a break. If she doesn't want to spend that money, have a serious talk with her about what a heap of trouble she will be in if anything happens to you! Get that assistance to give you some time off, to preserve your health, energy and time for your husband. You did promise to put him first in your marriage vows! THEN....if Mom has assets, it might be a good idea to consider an assisted living apt in a facility that has full service. If she is down to a house, a car and cash of $2000/mo or less, she should qualify for Medicaid, which WILL pay for some in home care if she wants to stay in her own home and safely can do that. If she has too many assets, then they would have to be 'spent down' and the Medicaid worker would tell you exactly what the rules are. Basically spending down can be only for her health care or to improve her home....so using her money for in home help would be part of the 'spend down' that would get her qualified for Medicaid. I am no expert, as I've had a financial benefits person from our eldercare/trust law firm helping me do it. We've gotten Dad qualified and now we're just starting to get Mom qualified. I read all the people on here who say they have no money, and I wonder why no one is helping them get qualified for Medicaid in their own states, but there must be something there I don't understand. Your siblings may be thinking that by having you provide the care, they are just preserving their inheritance or something, but from what I see....the bottom line is if our parents do not die in their sleep or from a sudden and fast illness or decline....they will not leave any inheritances to anyone, because it will all be used up for health care in the end. There is no point in running yourself in the ground, ruining your health and marriage and besides, if you have children, what are you rolemodeling for them? Do you want them to ruin their lives caring for you? Do you want to take the chance that they will see what you are going through, and they will think like your siblings about being there for you? It seems to me, it would be better to be utilizing Mom's money to pay for some regular help to give you the break....regular breaks during the week and a paid vacation once or twice a year, or over regular long weekends...whatever seems that it will help renew you the most based on her care needs and how overwhelming it is for you. I've recently been checking out a website called carelinx.com where you can preview skills and experiences of caregivers who are bonded and checked out....anticipating someone being needed 4 hours/day for my own mom. I've not hired yet...just started investigating the site, and how it works. I hope I didn't offend by my suggestions....they are just based on what I've seen and read that others are going through.....

I found a good way to release anger other than writing and burning letters was to take up Tae Kwan Do in which I got to break boards and cinder blocks. My boys and I would do this at home sometimes on Friday night, write things on the boards, and then burn the broken boards over which we would cook something. I would not recommend this though for a lot of people if their health is not strong and their bones are not strong.

However you chose a way that will work for you in getting it out and letting it go. Good luck!

Another good way to release anger and frustration: get a bunch of cheap, glass desert bowls. Find a safe block wall, use goggles. Pitch one bowl at a time at the wall, from a safe distance and make sure to listen to the sound as the glass breaks. Something in that sound will relieve and release a tremendous amount of the energy that is being trapped inside you by the frustration, resentment and anger. The act of "pitching" the bowls with force also helps release that. My first boss taught me this trick back in the early 70's, and it works for any occasion when you feel like you're ready to pop and aren't sure what to do. You can then move on, feeling more relaxed and able to actually deal with the matters you have at hand. Her husband used to go to the shooting range to release his stress, and she figured out that this was like going to her own "shooting range" for the same purpose. Try it!

About releasing the anger: Get a big paper cup. Fill it with rocks (not kidding here) that you name with all of the angry issues/situations you are going through. (Not people names, thoughts, actions, frustrations, etc.) Then THROW THEM out into the field, yard, (someplace safe please) and literally have a good cry. Sounds silly, actually helps. Former co-worker actually drove to my house with a cup of rocks for me. I drove around with it for two weeks, thinking it too silly. One day when I just about HAD IT, I did what he said. Cried for about an hour like a ninny. Washed my face and felt a whole heckuva lot better. (Iliza Schlesinger, on Netflix, Last Comic Standing- does the same thing for me. May not work for everyone but laughing and crying - out loud- works for me.) You grieve for loss of the sibling relationship and the maternal love that's not there. Then you move on.

Your request of a week-end break is very, very reasonable. You sound great, and your sisters should be apologizing to you! I've noticed in families that things can go well for perhaps 20 or 30 years, and then when something is expected of the sibling(s), (usually caregiving), the non-helping siblings can get very defensive, rigid and inflexible. I wish there was an easy answer, but perhaps you could write them a letter in the U.S. mail, basically saying what you said in your post. Not trying to interfere in your mother's financial situation, but I hope you are getting a lot more of the inheritance, as you deserve it.

Please let it go. Children's Services go after deadbeat dads, there is no agency for deadbeat siblings. They will have to meditate on their own callous and heartless behavior eventually. Just know that you are doing the right thing but must do it alone.
I would not encourage any further contact between your mother and these siblings as it may cause even more hostility as a reaction to whatever conscience they may have left. Parents tend to create rivalries to get a reaction and more attention. They are only human and now regressing emotionally as well as physically. Sorry, I'm not good at delicacy.

One the other hand mailing the siblings this thread may only serve to incite the demonizing to a new and higher level.

It may help to unload your feelings to each sibling in a letter to each of them maybe even quoting things from here and then when you are up to it, instead of mailing them, put them in a metal can, burn them and cast the ashes to the wind as a symbolic way of letting go of any expectation of them being any different that they are at the present time.

I think this may help you unload your emotions by putting them on paper.

I say this because the anger, resentment, and bitterness that we hold towards others, even when it is justified, is like a poison that only hurts us and has no impact upon them. Take care.

Seems like a lot of us on this site are going through the same thing. No help from our siblings. You can only do so much without having a nervous break down, like I did. I had to put Mom in AL and we are much happier. I think you should print all these wonderful answers out and send them to all your siblings and maybe highlight the money part. Why don't they get it?? Hugs to you and all who are hear as our friends and support.

Contacting local agencies about respite is not at all encouraging: our Mom is 92; she's been on the waiting list for FIVE YEARS for the $125 per month stipend for respite. That would mean five hours a month break for the caregiver - me. Have a good friend come over for a few hours so you and hubs can have a dinner out. Have Hubs hang with Mom so you and kids can have a mall day or Chuck - e Cheese day or whatever it is that floats your boat. Rotate. Find a church with volunteer church ladies. Also know that 'friends' who you haven't seen in awhile who all-of-a-sudden have a 'new' venture will want to charge you for a few hours of visitation. Just say no, and find perhaps retired CNA's through a local hospital or medical center who could use a few bucks. I found it's easier to get away for two hours than a weekend. I too have been in the caregiver seat for five+ years (living arrangement) and 18+ as a commuter. It's no disrespect to Mom to 'sharpen the saw' so to speak. How many more trees can you chop down (if you are a lumberjack) if you don't take a break to get 'sharp' again? Remember: this is only temporary. There will be a you and your honey AND your relationship with your children after Mom is no longer with you. We can't live in the past or the future. Only the present. Go live.

Aubrey,

This is an all too common problem written about on this site. I would encourage your mother to be in direct contact with this no show children. If she is also given the run around, then she will know exactly where she stands with them. I would make no excuses to her about their neglect.

Meanwhile if you chose to continue with the direct care of your mother. Continue on but work a plan that allows you time for your husband and children if they are under aged. If they are of age (21 and up) they need to pitch in to the amount of time they can. I would use mom's money to find a paid caregiver who can be with her each day or at least weekly, so you are not there 24/7 if that is what you are doing presently.

While having supportive siblings would be ideal, I would not bother with reconnecting with them if they are "fair weather siblings". Consider yourself an "only child", focus on your mother, your family and your needs. If at some point the siblings begin to offer help or visits or (God forbid assistance in paying for the home health aide costs or equipment to keep Mom home--take it). However, they seldom reconsider and step up to the plate.

Good luck, be kind to yourself and your mom. Don't spend time or energy on those uncaring siblings.

You are your own worst enemy. Why are you trying to gain the love and respect from siblings who obviously do not care for you nor your mother? They have shown by their past behaviors they really don't care a hoot who happens to you, and you must realize continuing to force a relationship with them is futile. Direct all your love and devotion to your own family, your mother, and hire some help for when you need respite. We choose friends, we do not choose our siblings. We have a similar situation you and I as my three sisters have been hateful to me, and I had to stop all communication with them. I feel so much better because they were toxic to my life, and my best suggestion to you is, you don't need their approval for anything. You are great just the way you are. Keep taking care of your family and your mother, and you will be rewarded when it counts. Stop trying to analyze why they do the things they do. Their actions speak volumes.

Aubrey - sorry for my comment - like most people what comes to my mind is from situations with which I'm familiar - I was thinking of one where money was not problem, but Mom did not want to go into a home. So her son decided that Mom's preferences were to be followed - he did get caregivers, but what they were trying to do really was the kind of nursing that takes three shifts of caregivers. Of course, that kind of set up was not working very well because the caregivers could not always be on time, etc. etc. Basically, what was needed was a nursing home and it simply was not fair that he was trying to rope in his sibs into a home-hospital type of situation. But, I'll stand by my statement that no one should be forced into hands-on care as long as they are willing to meet their responsibility by contracting out. Unfortunately, I believe that bad, neglectful, even abusive parents are all too common and it is not realistic to treat this as a "rare, hardly ever happens and can be ignored" issue, like "what do I feed the Queen of England for tea?" I'd at least consider that the child that refuses involvement might be justified. Now it seems that you are not in that situation, so I apologize for any assumption that you might be. I simply did not know all the facts.

"When people write into this site asking what to do because they are overwhelmed, what do we tell them? Contact state agencies, assisted living, hire caregivers, etc. Those options are available at the BEGINNING of the caregiving process, as well."

Okay, let me state the obvious. Just because we make these suggestions doesn't mean these options are actually available to most overwhelmed caregivers, at the beginning or the process or at any other time. If my mother could afford assisted living or paid help, or if there were resources available for free in the community, I would not be taking care of her, and I would not be resentful of siblings who refuse to help. The reality is, there aren't free services available to most people in most places (at least not the type the parent needs) and many people can't afford assisted living or hired help. We checked into all these things in my mother's case. Either not available or not affordable. Many, many caregivers are in this position.

Wow Aubrey, that is funny that you mentioned that your siblings start telling you about things that your mother might have done wrong 40 years ago as their reason for not chipping in now. My sister says the same exact thing about my father. He's not perfect, but he wasn't a bad father, and my sister starts talking about things that my father did back in the 70's as her reason for not chipping in today. It is pathetic. I think at some point you have to just forgive, grow up and move on.

Well, think about it, Zookeeper. I have seven siblings. Only one helped me with my Mom. When people write into this site asking what to do because they are overwhelmed, what do we tell them? Contact state agencies, assisted living, hire caregivers, etc. Those options are available at the BEGINNING of the caregiving process, as well. The OP could have chosen to go that route then, instead of when she got overwhelmed. The siblings, regardless of their "responsibility", did not wish to go down that path. I wish I had been as wise but, no, I jumped in thinking I could save the day! All I did was lose several years of my life with considerable persecution from the non-helpers.

It really infuriates me when I read posts that seem to justify neglect by siblings "who chose not to be caregivers", like that somehow makes it OK. It does not. Taking care of our parents is our shared responsibility, regardless of who was the favorite, birth order, etc. The POA should be handling the primary responsibilities, but all the children have a role and part to play and the most important role those other siblings have is supporting the one that is doing most or all of the work! Children who "chose not to take care of their parents" are, as it's been posted above, just "rubbish children, and you are not." I also take offense at comments supporting siblings that think the caregiver is trying to hang onto the parent and not put them in assisted living, etc. Baloney! I really doubt anyone that is caring for parent and is truly overwhelmed by it, would balk at the chance to remove themselves from it and get their parents the care they really need. Most of the people that are complaining about lazy good-for-nothing siblings have good reasons to feel that way. We need to respond to each other with support and comraderie, not accusations and support for the offending NON CAREGIVER siblings. After all, we're not taking care of our parents for ourselves or to get something from it -- it is ALL GIVING and little or no receiving. And this forum is for CAREGIVER support, not lazy siblings. I'm living through almost exactly the same situation, so Aubrey, I completely understand and didn't those posts just make you sigh with disgust?

Oh I believe you Aubrey because I am in the exact same position. Siblings trotting out every excuse and acting as if they aren't close to mom and dad like me because of this or that (again 40 year old excuses). Funny thing is before their decline they seemed close to them.. sharing vacations, holidays, sending gifts, daily calls... etc.

Its not just my siblings too.. its my Moms siblings (who are much younger then her) who swore to me that if my parents just moved in closer that they would do this and that for them ... spend time with them.. well none of that has happened.

This is really changing my view of family.. at least my family. I really had an idea that when the going gets rough family will be there.. and that belief has completely been shattered for me. I just don't get how they can put there head in the sand and allow members of their family.. their flesh and blood to suffer in this way.

Like you... I am not asking for them to take over their care.. just to step in so I can have a day off, just to care and recognize how difficult my life and their life has gotten. I am asking for minimal assistance and care. I am begging for them to visit or even call.

I am at the point that I realize their help is not coming. Thankfully, my parents can afford to pay for some home care.. so I am in the process of finding outside care for them. Its still going to be hard for me and mom... but we cannot do this ourselves.. and neither can you.

Just wanted to chime in because I see a few posts defending these sibs with their heads in the sand... Chin up ... you are not alone! ;)

Thank you CarlaCB for the wise words. I've been surprised by two of the comments...for one thing mom is no longer an "adult" the phrase "once a man, twice a child" certainly applies in my situation. We did not have an Ozzie & Harriett childhood but it could have been a heck of a lot worse. No one can "get their pound of flesh" for hurts of the past. Though when the "phone call" occurred my sib trotted out 40 year old reasons to justify his position (dad cheated, mom cried, they fought...it was terribly painful but sadly pretty standard '60's stuff for God's sake)...pull your big boy pants on. Head in sand seems to be their comfort zone. BTW when we had the family meeting last year, they called it not me. So during their 5 hour Mother's Day visit when I thought we were going to discuss mom's declining health...their first question was "what are mom's assests?" and it wasn't b/c they wanted to brainstorm on care options. You can't make this up!

It makes me a little crazy when I hear people say "Your siblings didn't choose to take care of your parent. You did." Reality in most cases is, someone has to do it, and all siblings are equally responsible for the parent. I don't like that result either, because I think all relationships should be voluntary and all obligations should be chosen. But that's the reality.

The further reality, I think, is that nobody makes these decisions in a vacuum. Aubrey's decision to step up allowed the other siblings to step back. Their refusal to step up leaves her stuck with no opportunity to step back, even temporarily. Siblings can't make these choices independently - what would happen to Mom if Aubrey made the same decision as her siblings?

The issue about putting a parent into care is sometimes valid but often a red herring. It doesn't sound like Aubrey's siblings are favoring that. My own siblings aren't favoring that at all, because Mom can't afford it, my siblings would have to contribute financially, and nobody is willing to. It sounds like Aubrey's siblings just don't want their comfortable lives (or ideas) disrupted. They believe Aubrey will and should take care of Mom without help, and they don't want to reconsider that because it doesn't work for them. I can't respect that as an "independent" decision that they're entitled to make as adults. They know somebody has to help Mom every day - they just don't want it to be them.

Same here, Aubrey - I'm way down the pecking order! I don't think it works like that, anyway. Captain is completely right that every kid has a different relationship with its parent, and after all it's an emotional, not a rational, bond. All things are not equal, give and take. You just have to make your own choices.

freqflyer and rovana your assumptions are off base. I'm not the favored child but I am the child who is willing to roll up my sleeves and take on a difficult task. I will do my best to see that my mother's wishes are carried out. A more accurate appraisal is that my mother wisely saw in me someone who would respect her wishes and who would not let her down. I'm no goodie two shoes, I'm flawed and fiesty and compassionate too. I'm not a glory hog and certainly no push over. For those of you with kinder words and understanding hearts I thank you again.

it isnt uncommon for an old demented person to speak badly of everyone around them except who theyre talking to on the phone at the time . ya know theyre reverting back to near infant mentality and youre going to see some pretty eyebrow raising behavior from them at times .
if youve chosen to care for your mom , you cant guilt or coerce siblings into helping . theyre jealous and want to see you crash and burn . i think pretending NOT to need them resolves that crap once and for all and they will soon slink in to continue their relationships with their mom in the way that theyre most comfortable with . when they do , give them space and privacy . every kid has a different relationship with the parent .

Yes you are.

My heart is in my boots reading your post and then your further responses. The thing is, what's new? I don't feel your siblings have changed very much. You propped up their creaky relationship with your mother, you can't do it any longer, you ask them to do one small thing in return, they walk away.

They are rubbish children, and you are not.

And why are they being so vicious to you and self-justifying about it? Because your example makes them feel bad.

It is really sad, and I echo the suggestions that you MUST find support elsewhere, but I don't feel you've lost anything. They were never there, and they're still not there. No change. Your siblings have lost out; but then that's their choice and their problem. Forgive them if your faith asks that, and then put them to one side. Leave it to them.

The AL my mom was in had some lovely rooms/Apts just for respite care use at a per night rate. Perhaps you could check into that? Regarding your siblings - you are projecting onto to them what you wish they WOULD do. But, they haven't chosen to take care of Mom - you did. You made your choice and they made theirs. Some people just aren't cut out to be caregivers and they know it. I'm afraid you are going to have to use community resources for help. Don't be afraid to use Mom's money for her care. Just keep careful records.

Wow, I'm so thankful for your responses to my thread from this morning. When I wrote I tried to boil the story down to the basics...I'm sure you understand because these family stories "have stories"....and who has time to read a novel? In December after running myself completely ragged I wised up, sought financial guidance and began spending mom's money (and their inheritance) on the most highly recommended local sitters. As of the new year mom has excellent care for a portion of each day. I am so grateful for that help. However the sibling issues that prompted me to write this morning continue, what's almost laughable is that the time quickly passed where my siblings could have driven 3 hours to give me a weekend break for a whooping 3 times a year...and horray for me, I'm still the bad guy. Reading your stories breaks my heart but at the same time makes me feel that I am in a fellowship I'm finding that I am stronger than them

Freqflyer, I think you are on to something here...It could be that the siblings are thinking something like this: Aubrey has always been Mom's favorite so will side with Mom and not work with us. Mom should be in assisted living.

Also, for sure, if my siblings tried to set up forced family meetings, you would have seen World War III! Thanks, but Mom is an adult, I'm an adult and we will conduct our relationship ourselves, so if you are playing Mommy's little helper, you can butt out. I know this is harsh, but I've seen too many dysfunctional families where one sibling has been favored, the others resent it, and frankly now that they are adults, the family should fracture. It could be the "nice" memories are nightmares to others in the family.

Now, if we are talking about fairness in necessary financial support, that is a different matter. But I believe that the decision to go "no" or "low" contact should be respected. Best thing to do here it seems to me is to look into respite care options. Would county office of aging have any options for low-income seniors? Day care for adults? Church groups? You might have more success going this route, than trying to rope in siblings.

Aubrey, I assume your Mom lives with you. Lets look from the other side of the coin, do your siblings think Mom should be in a continuing care facility? If yes, but you rather have Mom living with you, maybe this is their type of tough love by not helping out, so that you will eventually decide sooner than later maybe they are right. That in itself tells me why they won't give you a weekend break. Just a thought.

Hi Aubrey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. I too am the one that is doing virtually 100% of the care giving for my father with my two sisters contributing almost nothing. First of all, be proud of yourself for what you are doing. Second of all, no its not too much to ask to try to get one weekend for yourself every once in a while. Your siblings sound very selfish that they cannot coordinate to give you some time off once in a while. I do agree with the others, look into some type of caregiver or assisted living or similar situation. It will give you a break once in a while. You do need to take care of yourself. Apparently your siblings do not care that you have no time to yourself so you need to take matters into your own hands. Look into some kind of care so that you can get a break once in a while. Take a step back and know that you are in a very difficult and trying situation and your siblings are offering no support at all. You do need to take care of yourself and your own family. You do deserve a break and some time to yourself. Please take care of yourself and be proud of being the better person.

Hello, your situation is very common as many others including myself have this same problem with siblings not wanting to be involved in any aspect of support for mom. I have been hinting around for help from my brother and his wife for years but to no avail. Brother's wife finally got so mad at me, she blocked me from emailing her and refuses to talk to me when I call to tell my brother the health condition of mine and his mother. I am sole caregiver as well and have been doing this job for 10 years now. I know what it feels like to be abandoned by family when you need some help. This past Christmas I was so upset at my brother and his wife and from keeping all of the pent up emotions I was feeling inside that I just couldn't stand it any longer and I wrote them a very nasty Christmas card. I hope it doesn't come down to that for you because now I regret it. They hate me and it will be very uncomfortable for us all should they miraculously call or want to visit. But at the time I felt they should know what was going on here and how desperately I need their help. They act like they don't know what to do to help since they feel they have a legitimate excuse like living 4 hours away. For one thing, mom is on a very limited income and so am I since I am unemployed, so common sense tells me that they could at least send a little money to help with mom's meds or just to help buy groceries occasionally. Afterall, my brother owns his own home and has published 10 books of which he still receives royalties from so what is the problem here? I am very sad for your situation and for the others when they ask this same question. God bless you.