Siblings upset with me after I walked away from my nasty father. Having mixed emotions over this - guilt is one.

Watch Dr. Ramani’s videos of narcissism. It has been such a benefit for me.

Hey I am also 65 and my Dad was hypoglycemic and the son of an alchieholic who died when he was 22. Sounds like you are about to lose him. Before he goes you need to forgive him and release him to the Father in heaven who may also forgive him if------ if he never made it mentally to the age of accountability--- which means he was traumatized just as you were-- which sometimes is the case. Ask God to help you forgive him-- because like Jesus on the cross said-- they know not what they do--- in other words-- as ignorant as a stump-- no concept, no good example-- his relatives never let him see any good examples-- perhaps were all drunks.... (?).... anyhow--- another avenue also------ in Japan-- there was plenty of leukemia thanks to heavy metals and radiation,,, One wholistic doctor has come up with a herbal remedy to increase red blood cell production --- by prescribing Mugwort Mochi--- which actually works but is less accepted my modern medicine because it is not Big Pharma-acceptable ($)... anyhow--- Japanese mugwort is sweet, American mugwort is bitter--- mochi is sweet glutinous rice-- the mugwort is combined with the glutinous rice to make little rice balls and fried in olive oil lightly not to destroy the health-giving qualities. Get it on line already prepared or go to a local healthfood store and order it... or to an oriental store. This is all from a wholistic medicine book -- Healing Ourselves by Naboru Muramoto-- he says-- people with leukemia should drink very little. They should eat mugwort mochi ( mohshy) which has proved excellent in building new blood globules. It makes good quality blood and arrests internal bleeding. The patient should chew his food well and be carefule not to indulge in any extremes. He should of course stop eating meat, sugar, and dairy food of any kind. The very worst foods for a leukemia patient are sugar, vinegar, and alcohol. Cereals ( grains--- like Brown rice with wheat groats combined with aduki beans flavored with tamari sauce and olive oil,,, no butter,,,) and sauteed or baked vegetables-- squash, red onions ... will be his main food. Ginseng tea may be taken for an extended period of time.
Now don't tell him you feel sorry for him. Pray for him that the Holy Spirit would convict him and give him dreams about how he has behaved all your life. The best thing you can do is help see you are able to see fit to help him heal his broken body before he leaves this world-- THAT will be the best "revenge" .. and you will seriously gain status in the family's eyes... might even keep some of them from going down the bad road he has been on. IF you have access to a church pastor, go see him or her... and you learn how to pray for a soul that is in such bondage. Good luck, God bless.

Hi Miss H,
I had a very similar past with my mother. Her behavior ranged from rules and commands to beatings in the bathroom when I was four. - she flushed the toilet hoping no one would here my screams.
I felt guilty for a long time for ‘not forgiving her’, which seemed to be the common mantra “ forgive and you will feel better “. I could not do that. I started reading books addressing this issue. To my relief, there are many people who have had terrible relationships with one parent. I was struck by the interesting point you made about your dad’s good relationship with your younger siblings, but horrible with you.
I had the same situation. My two younger brothers could do no wrong. I couldn’t understand it, and still don’t.
However I read various books that said it’s ok if you hate/dislike/ don’t love your parent. One book the possible situations and suggested solutions for each kind of relationship. One was a “ divorce”, completely breaking ties, one was a “Separation “ physically separate but keep a cordial relationship, etc. I found the ‘separation’ suited me. Like you, I financially supported her. I moved three States away and did my duty. But I will not and cannot love her or forgive her- and now that’s OK. No more guilt. My brother doesn’t know or understand what I went through and we just call it “ a bad relationship “.

She cries now, but is too late.

So you are NOT alone, forgiveness is not always appropriate, separation worked for me.
Start reading and perhaps talk to people with like experiences- but there are few who will discuss this.

You might try this book for a start

Narcissistic Fathers: Dealing with a Self-Absorbed Father and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse [Book]
There are lots of books out there about this and supporting your decision.
best wishes

Oh, I am so sorry. I shed tears reading your post. I am truly so sorry. For your family not to validate you is awful. I agree with lealonnie. Write each of your siblings a letter. Get it all out on paper. What you went through, what you are feeling. You can choose whether to mail them or not. If you don’t want to mail them, burn them in a fire pit. If your siblings don’t GET you and where you are coming from, please move on without them. Please talk to a therapist to help you with this. I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart ❤️ breaks for you.

What you need is for your siblings to believe you; to stop calling you a 'liar', in essence, by denying YOUR truth based on THEIR experience with your father, and to validate your feelings fully. If you can't get that validation from them, then you may have to cut the siblings out of your life too. Just because 'they' had a fantabulous experience with the old man does NOT automatically mean that you did, too. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, I always say. We may WANT things to be a certain way, but reality is something entirely different most times.

I'm sorry that everyone is upset with you and that you are feeling depressed as a result. You are likely going through the stages of grief here by losing your family. I think it's time to start feeling ANGRY towards these 'family members' instead, and then allow yourself to move along to the final phase of grief which is Acceptance. A good way to get there may be to write them each a letter expressing your feelings, whether you put them in the mailbox or not, so you can get your emotions out of your heart and head that way.

Once you accept the fact that your father and your siblings are not deserving of your love and attention and that it's OKAY to make that statement out loud, THEN you can move on with your life and not feel guilty or responsible for the situation in any way.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward and sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.

HR, I've read all of the responses (thus far). I'm pleased that in all of your responses you seem to indicate that you are healthfully resolute. That's HUGE! I've been struggling for about 7 yrs. with all these emotions due to similar circumstances. I can tell you that over this time, the 'guilt' is pretty much worked its way to the bottom of the list of bothersome feelings; I pray that you'll get there, too, and hopefully sooner rather than later, for sure! In my experience, working and struggling with 'this' works out (or not) with time. Also, I've learned the practice of being kind and compassionate toward myself with those things that I haven't (or can't?) come to terms with, or authentically 'accept'. You've gotten so much helpful feedback! : ) I did go to a very good (for me) therapist who taught me how to 'get' through 'this'. But it seems like this forum, with it's collective wisdom and experience, may have been just as helpful!

I'm sorry that you had to endure this as a child and as an adult. There are times in our life when even God understands that boundaries have to be made. My step father sexually abused me and then one day did the same thing to my 3 year old daughter. We had limited contact for a while. I never ever put my kids in an alone situation again. However, when he was diagnosed with cancer, I was the only one not working at a full time job if you don't count raising 3 kids full time, so the burden of helping my Mom and therefore helping him fell to me. One night while I was spending the night at the hospital with him, he asked why after everything was I there helping him. All I could say, was God who lives in me, gives me strength each day to forgive and live out my life as God would want. I choose to forgive but that doesn't mean I forgot and I did everything to make sure my children and others were safe from being alone with him. I cared for him at home with hospice until he died. My four step sisters never admitted if he ever sexually abused them, but they stood by me and were thankful for all my help while he was dying. My Mom was grateful too, even though she choose to stand by him both when I was a child and when it happened to my daughter. Being there and being Jesus to him has helped me tremendously over the years, along with the care giving I did for my grandparents and now my Mom. Sometimes God places us in hard places to love the most unlovable people to help us just as much as it helps them.

I don't claim to be blameless. In her late years, when she suddenly wanted a "daughter", I would not participate. I was drowning in resentment of her close relationships with any female other than me. So, I kept her at arms length right up to the end. I sat at her death bed and though she could hear but not respond, shared my regrets for the life we could have had, and lost. I think until my last breath, I will miss the basic mother/daughter experience of baking cookies together. Please think over your decision carefully before you commit, and he is gone. If you have one instance of a happy moment with your father, keep that and let go of the rest. If a clear mind exists, he knows his time is near. Undoubtedly he is reflecting over his life with remorse and regret. Useless, yes, but that is a hard thing to face when you know you are dying with no time left to make it right.

If you can't do it, you can't do it. Figure out how much you can provide financially and tell the youngest sister how much is available and to hire someone to help her.
If she brings up the issue of not understanding why you are done, just tell her your life with him was much different than her life with him, so she could never get a true understanding. If all of the siblings feel the same way she does, perhaps they have put the ghosts of the past to bed....you haven't. Have a conference call or zoom meeting with all of them if you need to ensure all understand your offer is financial only.

That's about all you can do to help

Perhaps it would be helpful if you wrote your siblings a letter. Then your thoughts are on paper for them to mull over. And maybe you could then ask them to set up a meeting without your father. I would not speak to your siblings over the phone. Ask them to reply via email. You should have everything documented.

I haven't had that extreme an experience, but I feel that you've offered as much as you possibly could in order to keep yourself away from an abusive person that might trigger PTSD. I do feel that maybe your sister doesn't know the full extent of abuse that you experienced or has trouble hearing the truth because she didn't experience it. I would suggest family counseling for all siblings to understand your feelings & work on your relationships going forward. I'm sorry that counseling wasn't done prior to his illness so that you & your siblings would have understood your reasoning of not having a physical presence in front of your dad or in his house. Don't feel guilty or let them make you feel guilty. Continue to offer support financially or by shopping, etc. Maybe show them a copy of this blog so that they can see how much you are supported! I hope that you & your siblings get through this together even though you offer help to your father in different ways. Stay strong & seek support from friends. 🕊🙏

You’re 2 youngest siblings are CLUELESS. You wrote “had had enough after the last angry outburst from him and decided that it was best for my well being and state of mind to simply walk”. You did the right thing. Your siblings will only understand once he shows his true colors for them. Until then it’s best to have no contact. Let them contact you, but don’t let them bully you. You mentioned guilt. If you give into feelings of guilt you, you will only be left with regret that you wasted your time and energy on people who will never respect you.

I know of someone whose dad was very abusive.

Three times he tried to reconcile with his dad over the course of twenty years. Each time the dad would laugh in the sons face.

Finally he informed his dad he would have nothing to do with him unless the dad was willing to repent.

Repent means to admit was you did, admit it was wrong, apologize for it, ask for forgiveness and stop doing the offense.

The dad never repented until he was on his death bed and then he kept on crying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. " Of course the son was in another city so was not there to see or hear it. He was informed by the nurses at the seniors home he died in.

If the others in your family cannot or will not be mature enough to accept your decision (which any good therapist would recommend) then that is their problem not yours.

As well, where were they when you were being treated abusively? Did they offer to take care of him? Then they have no right to attempt to shift the blame on you.

I depend upon the Holy Spirit to teach me to set Godly boundaries to develop a healthy balance, interdependent relationships with others. I must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide when and how to use these skills to maintain a loving relationship with others while purging myself of toxic folks so they do not create unnecessary drama and chaos in my life.  

This is the best relationship advice that can be offered.

It has helped me purge myself of a lot of toxic folks and my life is so much the better for it.

Hi, I admire your courage by walking away from an abusive parent. I know it is not easy to set firm, but necessary boundaries in order to protect yourself from abuse.
I walked away from an abusive sister, and she later was diagnosed from terminal cancer. I cut communication in 2010, she was diagnosed in 2015 and died in 2018. My family was very upset with me, and I just told them that the phone works both ways, and if she wanted to talk that would have been okay with me. Instead she continued her dysfunctional behavior, drinking and her pursuit of materialism. I never attended her funeral. I have forgiven my sister on the basis that happy and healthy people are kind, sober and humble, and in order for her to behave that way she must have been very unhappy and dysfunctional. I have had a similar experience with my mom. She is now in a home, and my brother is in charge. Even though she was very emotionally abusive and scapegoated me, we now have a sweet relationship due to her behavior change, thanks to dementia.
Learning about the ACE study, Adverse Childhood Effects, helped me to understand why my family was so dysfunctional. Also learning about childhood trauma and setting firm boundaries helped to cope and heal. A significant turning point for me was going thru a trauma recovery program. I can't change the dysfunction and I can't control my family's behavior, but I can change how I am effected by it. Please keep your boundaries, practice healthy self care, and realize how they are feeling really has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them!
Take incredible care of yourself.
K

You're not doing this for your father alone. You are helping your siblings. It is likely that he will die within the next couple of years. You don't have to live with him. You don't have to love him. You have given yourself a two-year break from him. Help your siblings, it's short term. Find out what your sibs need from you and work it out from there. If you're feeling depressed and possibly guilty about the situation, maybe you can alleviate it. You'll have your siblings around far longer than you will have your abusive father, and it may be that in the future you'll need them as well.

I don't think you have any responsibility at all to an abusive parent. He had his chance to be a decent human being and chose not to. I'm sure your sisters are stressed but I have my doubts about younger siblings not having any idea of what went on, even if they did not personally experience it. I think you should do what is best for you which only you can know. People have told me many times in my life that I will regret this or that decision and they are usually wrong and the only thing I end up regretting is listening to them. A therapist told me once that I did not have to forgive my mother which honestly was a relief because trying to forgive someone, even if it is for your own benefit, can be very difficult if you just don't feel it or aren't ready. Good luck!

Not sure if someone else already replied but what to say that each child experiences their parents differently!

You do not have to tolerate any bullying, so just walk away. Just what is the problem?? Does your father love you at all?? It would be best to record your experience to share with siblings to convince them how dangerous he is. And, your siblings cannot control your safety decisions. I cannot understand why unstable people who are abusive have any kids at all. Just not fair and repeats the cycle. It's time to get professional help for yourself, and perhaps for your father. Hard to forgive violent, inexcusable behavior.

You are absolutely in the right on this - and you can forgive from afar when YOU are emotionally ready because he is never going to change, and I believe an in-person visit will only end in disappointment and hurt - for you. Your siblings are finding out how hard he is to care for, and thus putting the guilt trip on. It’s hard to care for someone who treated you so badly in your youth...many of us carry this with us for a lifetime. So you take care of you, and if your sister continues down this path, stop contact with her for a bit too. You need to step away. And know you are not alone.. Best wishes.

"You can't pick your family, but you CAN pick your friends." Surround yourself with kind, compassionate, fun-living individuals.

You might put your feelings aside and ask your sister if your Dad wants you to visit and then do so and see if he's changed. You may feel bad if he dies without you seeing him. You can forgive even tho you don't forget.

You have my total understanding. I was the only surving daughter, middle child of 7. In the process of protecting myself from mother, emotionally, I never really knew her. After high school, I moved hours away to attend school and avoid contact with her. When she finally apologized for her neglect and emotional abuse, (night of her mother's death), it was too late for us. I contributed as I could, provided a home when hers was irreparable from neglect, with no assist from siblings. In her last days, I was the only one with her up to her last breath, "they couldn't handle it." The resentment turned to regret for the relationship we never had. My brothers were still young when I left, and likewise prefer to remember otherwise. I did what I did for my father, with whom I shared adoration and respect. I thought, if that wonderful man loved her, must be some good somewhere. Your tragic situation involves both physical and emotional abuse. That's tough to ignore even when his days are numbered. I suggest having someone other than family ask if he'd like to see you, and if so visit briefly without siblings, keeping conversation on level of your comfort zone. Its all going to depend on how important peace with your siblings is to you. Forget about changing their mindset, they can't relate. Like you, I have no pleasant memories of my life with her. What I did was based on respect of her position as my mother, certainly not her performance. One visit should suffice. Again, keep it private with understanding that he may say something thoughtless or even apologetic. Don't feign affection you don't feel and he didn't earn. You could not have escaped that era without great personal strength and self respect. Let it guide you and you will do the right thing. Be kind to yourself.

Forgiving someone is not for them, it is for you. It allows you to let go of any guilt and resentment. It does not mean you have to have a relationship with the person you have forgiven, but allows you to go on with your life without ties to your past. You do not need to forget or place yourself back into a bad situation. Following a family situation I do not wish to discuss, I finally forgave my relative and was surprised how much happier I was. I no longer allowed the anger, hurt and disappointment to have a place in my life.
While this is now easy for me to say (it has been 5 years), I pray that you can find peace in a positive future.

Caring for your parents is hard. Even when they are the best parents ever. Your dad is sick. Your siblings need help! If you want them in your life when your dad is gone now is the time to do your part and help them. Forgiveness on both sides is easier when parents are alive. If you don’t forgive your dad the odds are they will not forgive you for not helping once he is gone and you will be without your family. Your siblings need help now!

I understand. My father is an abusive alcoholic. I am the oldest of 3 girls. We all experienced pain at his hands. My mom was co-dependent and did not protect us. None of us care for my aging father who lives in another state. He is dependent on the state for his care. I am the one who looks out for our mother. One sister barely speaks to her or to me. She always says, "it's all on you (wow)." The other says she can not care for mom because they don't have the finances (we aren't rich either)." At least the "non-rich" sister takes mom 2 times a year for a couple of weeks so I get a break.

That all being said, I did get some counselling to put things into perspective about my parents. The abuse over a childhood should never have happened. Since my parents both are mentally competent, they are responsible for their decisions and their lives. If my dad becomes mentally incompetent and the state calls, I will have them put him in a home on Medicaid. When my mom becomes mentally incompetent, I will make sure she is cared for. As their adult child, I do not have to do the "hands on caring" but I am responsible to make sure they are cared for. It would be nice if both my sisters were part of this, but they have made their own decisions on the extent of care they wish to provide. I don't blame them.

I could understand your siblings wanting you and your father to be reconciled - however superficially on your part - before he dies; and I could understand their being upset at such an emotional time if you refused, although I would still support your decision to refuse.

What I can't understand is their being upset that you refuse to share the work of active care. In that case, surely the best answer to your siblings, particularly those who were equally victimised, is to recommend strongly to them that they follow your example.

This is only curiosity, don't answer if it makes you feel worse: what was the difference between the first three children and the two youngest? Why the contrast in his approach, do you think?

I am so sorry for your abuse, and I do understand your need to withdraw.

However.

Your dad is now facing death, and I believe that everyone -- EVERYONE -- deserves some peace of mind at the end of life.

You are stronger than he is now. For the short time he has left, you can safely stop protecting yourself and, instead, choose to reconnect with him and give him the kindness he failed to show you.

Why should you do this for someone you feel no love for? Because all bets are off when somebody's dying. Because this is your last chance to lay down the burden of anger and express, to him and to your siblings, the very best of yourself -- the person big enough to forgive, and to show, if not love, at least the fundamental human compassion you would feel for anyone in extremis.

Your father may not be capable of responding; it may not mean anything to him that you show up at his bedside and lend some moral support. But YOU will always know you did it, and though that may not seem important to you now, I promise that it will give you great comfort as you grow older.

The power of forgiveness is a cliché because it's so REAL. I hope you will find it in your heart to let go of, or at least conceal, your anger long enough to visit your father, be there with your siblings, and restore your family connections. I am not discounting your pain; I'm saying that I believe the pain will be greater, for all of you, if you don't take this step to affirm that you are still a family, and forgiveness is possible.

All good wishes.

You are setting appropriate boundaries and you have every right to do so based on his abusive behavior. I had two sisters who felt they could not be with my dad either and they just stopped visiting from out of state. So it was up to me with help from my other sister. These things happen in families, sadly.
You can tell her your therapist (you can fib if you want) said you have a right to not be in his presence but you can help in other ways. Run errands, buy things, maybe take her meals etc. One thing my sisters did for me which I appreciated greatly, was they told me how much they appreciated what I was doing, would buy massages for me and things like that.
No idea what his after care will be like, but do what you can to prevent her burnout.

I know exactly what you are feeling. Even though it was slightly different for me and my siblings I found I was the only one (being the eldest) who remembers the abuse. As we all got older, my brothers seem to forgive. He was described as 'mellowed' but he could still be pretty nasty with me and other people. I think the hardest part is feeling invalidated. There is that victim blaming thing going on. The expectation is that you should have 'gotten over it' or worse that it didn't happen the way you know it did.
Then there is the outrage you feel when you are supposed to step up and help them and others expect ypu to. You feel a bit like a betrayer of your younger self and there is an inner fight. I think it doesn't help that ' healthy" is seen as not bearing grudges - where as, it is perfectly natural to dislike someone who abused you and quite despicable that you were a helpless child.
Try to see your siblings as misguided or possibly even callous and stand firm. Good luck! You have my best wishes, it is not easy. xx

You have no obligation to care for your abuser. You have been made to feel inadequate all your life so that’s why you feel guilt. Find some counseling to help you heal from the abuse. Are you close with your siblings? Doesn’t sound that way. So you will be scapegoated anyway - no matter what you do. Stepping into a caregiver role would be suicide. Be thankful your younger siblings were spared, and explain that to them if you want to. Otherwise you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s hard to not have your truth validated. I know, I’ve been there. Be direct with your siblings: “Dad beat most of us; he was physically and emotionally abusive to me and it’s not a good plan for me to be involved in his care. I’m happy you were spared. So you need another plan.” Wishing you comfort and peace.