Siblings upset with me after I walked away from my nasty father. Having mixed emotions over this - guilt is one.

No one who was abused by someone should be expected to care for them in the senior years. No one.
That your sister did not experience what you did does not entitle her to expect your assistance in his care.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, you can tell her you're willing to help HER with things she might need, as long as you don't have to be in contact with your dad. If she can't understand your feelings, there's not much more that you can do, other than to try and keep the lines of communication open with her.
Your mental health matters, and trying to bury the feelings about your dad will cause you nothing but pain. I hope you can reach a resolution with your sister that will work for both of you.

No one should have to care for anyone that abused them Physically or mentally.
You can support your sister. If she wants it and if you want to give the support.
You can help her or her family while she is helping your father.
You do not have to explain, you do not have to rehash what he did just tell her that you can not care for him personally.
If she or anyone else in the family "doesn't get it" there is no need to explain your decision.
Do not let the feeling of guilt make you do something that will be harmful to your mental health.

My sister has NOT been apart of my mothers life for years ..more than 20yrs. She is 7 years older than me and has her own past with my mother that i am not aware of. (some things I am aware of) I wish my sister well. She has no idea what my mom is going through (dementia) and my sister has isolated herself apart from our small "family". I am here taking care of our mother by choice.
I am sorry you were abused by your father. No-one deserves the wrath of someone else's wounds and sickness. Your little sisters experience is much different and its okay for her to have a relationship with her father. Your experience is very different and its okay for you NOT to have a relationship with your father.

Is your sister aware of the abuse your father caused? Does she expect you to 'forgive and forget"? Tell her you will help HER but you will not directly assist HIM.

I'm really sorry to hear that you've had such abuse from your father and that you feel isolated from some of your family. I understand your feelings of guilt - this is quite a natural reaction if you are a caring person but are unable to help your father in this situation. Your past history with him and his violent, abusive behaviour really gives you every right to be cautious and wary of being in contact with him again, despite his illness. You distanced yourself from this in the past for very good reasons. Getting directly involved again now could lead to further abuse. It is very good of you to offer financial assistance, which is a lot more than most would do after such bad treatment. If your sisters and other siblings don't want to accept your financial offer, that is up to them, but at least you have made it. Don't be pressured into doing any more than you are comfortable with. It might help you to write a letter to him explaining why you cannot do any more and that you wish him well. You don't even have to send him this letter, but it would allow you to work through your feelings and help you to explain this to others. Please put your own wellbeing first. After my own father died last year, I had to walk away from my abusive stepmother as her cruelty towards me around the time of my father's death put me in therapy. I'm not happy that I've left a widow on her own, and said goodbye to a relationship of over 30 years, even though the abuse was always there. I feel guilt about this, but my therapist has helped me to see that I must put my health first and that other people are responsible for their own actions and have to live with the consequences. I hope this helps you to stay strong.

My husband went through a similar upbringing, regarding his father. Eight years ago, we moved into a home that I inherited with my husband's parents. Boy, did we make the wrong move. I know that you feel guilty, but you are doing the right thing. The ONLY thing. Staying away. You must stand your ground. Do not fall for the crocodile tears of the others. You will feel more remorse than guilt, if you do. Mark my words. Toxic never comes clean, no matter how much you paint over the scars.

Im so sorry you experienced such abuse at the hands of your father. There is NO excuse for it. This statement has been said a lot on this forum, to feel guilt implies that you have done something wrong.....and you know in your heart you have not. So do your best to leave the guilt with the one who should be feeling it, your father. If your siblings cant accept the fact that you are unable to take care of him, that is on them, not you! Please look out for YOUR best interests , love yourself enough to not be bullied back in to that situation ever again or to be made to feel guilty for taking a stand. Just reading your post made me shake, i didnt suffer abuse from my father, but i did from a husband for 21 long years, before i could make my escape. And i never looked back. Please take care of yourself. Much love and many blessings to you. Liz

Tell your sister to practice what she is preaching.

She wants you to forgive and forget abuse, yet she won't accept that you can not continue to be abused by this man, so she isn't forgiving you for her having to take care of him. Maybe she is more like him than you know.

You are correct in keeping yourself away from the abuser, regardless of what he is to you.

Have your younger sisters talked with your two older siblings who did have the same experience as you did? Could they also consider why the two siblings have had mental health issues? Finding someone else who knows the background you faced, might stop you feeling that ‘everyone is upset with you’.

If this is all very recent (yesterday?), just wait. It’s an upsetting time for everyone, including your sisters. If you are clear about being willing to provide finances, you will all work out in time who can do what. But be careful about finances – care is very expensive, and your dear daddy should have made his own preparations for it.

To forgive is for you not for Dad. If he was mentally ill you can forgive him because of his illness that caused his actions. But you don't need to forget. Forgiving doesn't mean you now have to have have a relationship. You know at 88 Dad hadn't changed. So you walked away. No one needs to allow themselves to be abused. And as said, a child abused by a parent should not be their caregiver.

You don’t need to forgive or forget. Mental illness is no excuse. If your dad wants your forgiveness then he should ask for it. Your sister has no right to tell you that you should forgive and forget.

You didn’t dump all the caregiving on your siblings. If they chose to do it, that’s on them. You had every right to walk away. And I’d say your dad did the dumping by failing to plan for old age. You’ve done more than a lot of siblings have done by offering financial support. I agree, your sister needs to practice what she preaches and forgive & forget!

are you totally cut off from all the siblings? What is stopping you from reaching out to them? Your youngest sister, it seems she thinks she’s calling the shots? Don’t let her drive a wedge between everyone.

"That is just the way he is". OMG...I have heard that so many times from my father to excuse his mother's bad behavior. And I would tell him....she is like that because everyone around her allowed her to be like that.

Your sister chose her role as 'caregiver'. Although I had not realized she was 4 hours away....I assumed she was doing hands on care so this does change things. Even if he was Father of the Year you are not obligated to provide care for him. What exactly is she expecting you to do? Do you live close by and she wants you to visit?

Has she seen a picture of you when you had that bruise your father gave you? Did you explain in GRAPHIC detail the abuse you suffered? Have you asked her why three of his five children want nothing to do with him? Would she be ok if her husband beat on one of her kids...would she expect them to forgive and forget? Has your father told her he is remorseful for the way he treated you?

I think you need one last letter to your sister outlining everything. Tell her you are sorry she can't understand the impact your father had on you and that you have to stay away for your well being. You don't want this to affect your relationship with her but if it does, so be it. Then it is time to distance yourself from her.

When I got divorced I was very honest with my children about why. They still loved their father as they should but I needed them to understand why I did not. Son got it, but daughter didn't and was angry at times over that. I did not try to influence her feelings towards him...basically we agree to disagree. When she was 16 she came to me and said "I apologize...I now see what you saw". Some people will not believe until they see it for themselves.

I have found that people who are nasty and think they are being witty or funny, do not appreciate it when you give it right back at them.

Whenever people use the G word (guilt) I ask them to search for another word. Semantics matter. Unless you are a felon you have nothing to feel guilty about. You may well feel DISAPPOINTED that your siblings don't understand that you are done with abuse and have decided not to risk it entering your life again. You may be unhappy that you are not a selfless Saint seeking martyrdom and the word "thanks" which of course you won't ever hear from this family. You might feel worried that your father, always abusive is now ill and hurt that there will not be any redemption. You might feel confused about what you are able to do and still keep your sanity, and what you will CHOOSE to do in future. But after years of abuse I doubt that "guilt" is what you really feel. When siblings grow up in an abusive household they often become either abusers or recipients of abuse habitually in adulthood. You have done the right thing, broken the chain and walked away. Whether because he chose to or because he was inadequate at parenting, your Dad was lost to you long ago. The siblings made their own choice. You have offered what you can. If there is more you would LIKE to offer, do so. If not, continue on. If your siblings are angry and abusive, walk away from them as well.

I had an abusive father growing up and issues with my older siblings not rescuing me because I was the youngest and they knowingly allowed it happen and got mad at me when I turned him in. I never really talked to them about it and put it in the back of my head. I would not be his caregiver if he needed it. I was a caregiver to my verbally abusive grandma and she would slave drive me and lie about me to siblings and they would yell at me and not help. That trigger the past. I had to leave that situation too. I said enough. Do not allow yourself to be bullied or guilt by your siblings. They have a choice. Usually family members should not be caregiver especially if they dont have the right training because he needs medical care that they cannot offer.

My suggestion to you is not be his caregiver because it can trigger both you and him. The best thing to do is for the ones he did not abuse is to help out and look into Medicaid and reach out to a social worker to find help caring since they won't be overwhelmed by not having any help. There is no reason to be guilty because you stood up for yourself and it would be better than causing the emotional distress of helping your father and he would be able to sense it. My family found a live in caregiver for cheap on Facebook group.

Maybe you can do the shopping for the groceries. There are free resources for the elderly meals on wheels, rides takes them to their appoints, senior center activities. I wished I could have used those resources when I was caregiver because they thought I should do it by myself

They are in no way that they are obligated to do more than they can handle. They know their limit
Tell them. There are many resources they can use. I don't know if he qualifies for Medicaid but it will pay for it. If not, look up resources for elderly in your area

You are responsible with your siblings to see that your dad is safe and cared for. You are not required to have a relationship with him.

It seems to me you're doing what is required and no guilt is necessary.

People deserve respect when they are respectable family or not. If you are treated less let go and let God.

You have a responsibility to protect and care for yourself and your sister
will get the message if you say the same words enough times in a calm voice
Your father doesn’t want you there, it’s a constant reminder of his failure,
his inability as a father to protect
his child
dont feel any guilt, for protecting yourself , you have been doing that
your whole life in one way or another because you survived
Just try to forgive him and know that he died a long time ago
i hope you find the peace and strength to do what is best

Experience similar daily as I reside in the same home. Circumstance far far less than ideal. Bearly cope & continual avoidance as best as possible.

Lists of harm in many many ways that I have zero regard toward him or for that matter the entire unchosen "family". I would live for the day to be in a financial position with a roof over my head to turn my back and keep walking.

I feel you have the strength and clarity to sit very comfortably in your actions and decisions. Some things are too horrific & changes made for a very good reason. You only have one life. If you achieve independence from continual trauma, then the way forward with self peace and quality of life is paramount. Take good care.

You have no obligation to care for your abuser. You have been made to feel inadequate all your life so that’s why you feel guilt. Find some counseling to help you heal from the abuse. Are you close with your siblings? Doesn’t sound that way. So you will be scapegoated anyway - no matter what you do. Stepping into a caregiver role would be suicide. Be thankful your younger siblings were spared, and explain that to them if you want to. Otherwise you don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s hard to not have your truth validated. I know, I’ve been there. Be direct with your siblings: “Dad beat most of us; he was physically and emotionally abusive to me and it’s not a good plan for me to be involved in his care. I’m happy you were spared. So you need another plan.” Wishing you comfort and peace.

I know exactly what you are feeling. Even though it was slightly different for me and my siblings I found I was the only one (being the eldest) who remembers the abuse. As we all got older, my brothers seem to forgive. He was described as 'mellowed' but he could still be pretty nasty with me and other people. I think the hardest part is feeling invalidated. There is that victim blaming thing going on. The expectation is that you should have 'gotten over it' or worse that it didn't happen the way you know it did.
Then there is the outrage you feel when you are supposed to step up and help them and others expect ypu to. You feel a bit like a betrayer of your younger self and there is an inner fight. I think it doesn't help that ' healthy" is seen as not bearing grudges - where as, it is perfectly natural to dislike someone who abused you and quite despicable that you were a helpless child.
Try to see your siblings as misguided or possibly even callous and stand firm. Good luck! You have my best wishes, it is not easy. xx

You are setting appropriate boundaries and you have every right to do so based on his abusive behavior. I had two sisters who felt they could not be with my dad either and they just stopped visiting from out of state. So it was up to me with help from my other sister. These things happen in families, sadly.
You can tell her your therapist (you can fib if you want) said you have a right to not be in his presence but you can help in other ways. Run errands, buy things, maybe take her meals etc. One thing my sisters did for me which I appreciated greatly, was they told me how much they appreciated what I was doing, would buy massages for me and things like that.
No idea what his after care will be like, but do what you can to prevent her burnout.

I am so sorry for your abuse, and I do understand your need to withdraw.

However.

Your dad is now facing death, and I believe that everyone -- EVERYONE -- deserves some peace of mind at the end of life.

You are stronger than he is now. For the short time he has left, you can safely stop protecting yourself and, instead, choose to reconnect with him and give him the kindness he failed to show you.

Why should you do this for someone you feel no love for? Because all bets are off when somebody's dying. Because this is your last chance to lay down the burden of anger and express, to him and to your siblings, the very best of yourself -- the person big enough to forgive, and to show, if not love, at least the fundamental human compassion you would feel for anyone in extremis.

Your father may not be capable of responding; it may not mean anything to him that you show up at his bedside and lend some moral support. But YOU will always know you did it, and though that may not seem important to you now, I promise that it will give you great comfort as you grow older.

The power of forgiveness is a cliché because it's so REAL. I hope you will find it in your heart to let go of, or at least conceal, your anger long enough to visit your father, be there with your siblings, and restore your family connections. I am not discounting your pain; I'm saying that I believe the pain will be greater, for all of you, if you don't take this step to affirm that you are still a family, and forgiveness is possible.

All good wishes.

I could understand your siblings wanting you and your father to be reconciled - however superficially on your part - before he dies; and I could understand their being upset at such an emotional time if you refused, although I would still support your decision to refuse.

What I can't understand is their being upset that you refuse to share the work of active care. In that case, surely the best answer to your siblings, particularly those who were equally victimised, is to recommend strongly to them that they follow your example.

This is only curiosity, don't answer if it makes you feel worse: what was the difference between the first three children and the two youngest? Why the contrast in his approach, do you think?

I understand. My father is an abusive alcoholic. I am the oldest of 3 girls. We all experienced pain at his hands. My mom was co-dependent and did not protect us. None of us care for my aging father who lives in another state. He is dependent on the state for his care. I am the one who looks out for our mother. One sister barely speaks to her or to me. She always says, "it's all on you (wow)." The other says she can not care for mom because they don't have the finances (we aren't rich either)." At least the "non-rich" sister takes mom 2 times a year for a couple of weeks so I get a break.

That all being said, I did get some counselling to put things into perspective about my parents. The abuse over a childhood should never have happened. Since my parents both are mentally competent, they are responsible for their decisions and their lives. If my dad becomes mentally incompetent and the state calls, I will have them put him in a home on Medicaid. When my mom becomes mentally incompetent, I will make sure she is cared for. As their adult child, I do not have to do the "hands on caring" but I am responsible to make sure they are cared for. It would be nice if both my sisters were part of this, but they have made their own decisions on the extent of care they wish to provide. I don't blame them.

Caring for your parents is hard. Even when they are the best parents ever. Your dad is sick. Your siblings need help! If you want them in your life when your dad is gone now is the time to do your part and help them. Forgiveness on both sides is easier when parents are alive. If you don’t forgive your dad the odds are they will not forgive you for not helping once he is gone and you will be without your family. Your siblings need help now!

Forgiving someone is not for them, it is for you. It allows you to let go of any guilt and resentment. It does not mean you have to have a relationship with the person you have forgiven, but allows you to go on with your life without ties to your past. You do not need to forget or place yourself back into a bad situation. Following a family situation I do not wish to discuss, I finally forgave my relative and was surprised how much happier I was. I no longer allowed the anger, hurt and disappointment to have a place in my life.
While this is now easy for me to say (it has been 5 years), I pray that you can find peace in a positive future.

You have my total understanding. I was the only surving daughter, middle child of 7. In the process of protecting myself from mother, emotionally, I never really knew her. After high school, I moved hours away to attend school and avoid contact with her. When she finally apologized for her neglect and emotional abuse, (night of her mother's death), it was too late for us. I contributed as I could, provided a home when hers was irreparable from neglect, with no assist from siblings. In her last days, I was the only one with her up to her last breath, "they couldn't handle it." The resentment turned to regret for the relationship we never had. My brothers were still young when I left, and likewise prefer to remember otherwise. I did what I did for my father, with whom I shared adoration and respect. I thought, if that wonderful man loved her, must be some good somewhere. Your tragic situation involves both physical and emotional abuse. That's tough to ignore even when his days are numbered. I suggest having someone other than family ask if he'd like to see you, and if so visit briefly without siblings, keeping conversation on level of your comfort zone. Its all going to depend on how important peace with your siblings is to you. Forget about changing their mindset, they can't relate. Like you, I have no pleasant memories of my life with her. What I did was based on respect of her position as my mother, certainly not her performance. One visit should suffice. Again, keep it private with understanding that he may say something thoughtless or even apologetic. Don't feign affection you don't feel and he didn't earn. You could not have escaped that era without great personal strength and self respect. Let it guide you and you will do the right thing. Be kind to yourself.

You might put your feelings aside and ask your sister if your Dad wants you to visit and then do so and see if he's changed. You may feel bad if he dies without you seeing him. You can forgive even tho you don't forget.

"You can't pick your family, but you CAN pick your friends." Surround yourself with kind, compassionate, fun-living individuals.