Siblings upset with me after I walked away from my nasty father. Having mixed emotions over this - guilt is one.

You are absolutely in the right on this - and you can forgive from afar when YOU are emotionally ready because he is never going to change, and I believe an in-person visit will only end in disappointment and hurt - for you. Your siblings are finding out how hard he is to care for, and thus putting the guilt trip on. It’s hard to care for someone who treated you so badly in your youth...many of us carry this with us for a lifetime. So you take care of you, and if your sister continues down this path, stop contact with her for a bit too. You need to step away. And know you are not alone.. Best wishes.

You do not have to tolerate any bullying, so just walk away. Just what is the problem?? Does your father love you at all?? It would be best to record your experience to share with siblings to convince them how dangerous he is. And, your siblings cannot control your safety decisions. I cannot understand why unstable people who are abusive have any kids at all. Just not fair and repeats the cycle. It's time to get professional help for yourself, and perhaps for your father. Hard to forgive violent, inexcusable behavior.

Not sure if someone else already replied but what to say that each child experiences their parents differently!

I don't think you have any responsibility at all to an abusive parent. He had his chance to be a decent human being and chose not to. I'm sure your sisters are stressed but I have my doubts about younger siblings not having any idea of what went on, even if they did not personally experience it. I think you should do what is best for you which only you can know. People have told me many times in my life that I will regret this or that decision and they are usually wrong and the only thing I end up regretting is listening to them. A therapist told me once that I did not have to forgive my mother which honestly was a relief because trying to forgive someone, even if it is for your own benefit, can be very difficult if you just don't feel it or aren't ready. Good luck!

You're not doing this for your father alone. You are helping your siblings. It is likely that he will die within the next couple of years. You don't have to live with him. You don't have to love him. You have given yourself a two-year break from him. Help your siblings, it's short term. Find out what your sibs need from you and work it out from there. If you're feeling depressed and possibly guilty about the situation, maybe you can alleviate it. You'll have your siblings around far longer than you will have your abusive father, and it may be that in the future you'll need them as well.

Hi, I admire your courage by walking away from an abusive parent. I know it is not easy to set firm, but necessary boundaries in order to protect yourself from abuse.
I walked away from an abusive sister, and she later was diagnosed from terminal cancer. I cut communication in 2010, she was diagnosed in 2015 and died in 2018. My family was very upset with me, and I just told them that the phone works both ways, and if she wanted to talk that would have been okay with me. Instead she continued her dysfunctional behavior, drinking and her pursuit of materialism. I never attended her funeral. I have forgiven my sister on the basis that happy and healthy people are kind, sober and humble, and in order for her to behave that way she must have been very unhappy and dysfunctional. I have had a similar experience with my mom. She is now in a home, and my brother is in charge. Even though she was very emotionally abusive and scapegoated me, we now have a sweet relationship due to her behavior change, thanks to dementia.
Learning about the ACE study, Adverse Childhood Effects, helped me to understand why my family was so dysfunctional. Also learning about childhood trauma and setting firm boundaries helped to cope and heal. A significant turning point for me was going thru a trauma recovery program. I can't change the dysfunction and I can't control my family's behavior, but I can change how I am effected by it. Please keep your boundaries, practice healthy self care, and realize how they are feeling really has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them!
Take incredible care of yourself.
K

I know of someone whose dad was very abusive.

Three times he tried to reconcile with his dad over the course of twenty years. Each time the dad would laugh in the sons face.

Finally he informed his dad he would have nothing to do with him unless the dad was willing to repent.

Repent means to admit was you did, admit it was wrong, apologize for it, ask for forgiveness and stop doing the offense.

The dad never repented until he was on his death bed and then he kept on crying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. " Of course the son was in another city so was not there to see or hear it. He was informed by the nurses at the seniors home he died in.

If the others in your family cannot or will not be mature enough to accept your decision (which any good therapist would recommend) then that is their problem not yours.

As well, where were they when you were being treated abusively? Did they offer to take care of him? Then they have no right to attempt to shift the blame on you.

I depend upon the Holy Spirit to teach me to set Godly boundaries to develop a healthy balance, interdependent relationships with others. I must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide when and how to use these skills to maintain a loving relationship with others while purging myself of toxic folks so they do not create unnecessary drama and chaos in my life.  

This is the best relationship advice that can be offered.

It has helped me purge myself of a lot of toxic folks and my life is so much the better for it.

You’re 2 youngest siblings are CLUELESS. You wrote “had had enough after the last angry outburst from him and decided that it was best for my well being and state of mind to simply walk”. You did the right thing. Your siblings will only understand once he shows his true colors for them. Until then it’s best to have no contact. Let them contact you, but don’t let them bully you. You mentioned guilt. If you give into feelings of guilt you, you will only be left with regret that you wasted your time and energy on people who will never respect you.

I haven't had that extreme an experience, but I feel that you've offered as much as you possibly could in order to keep yourself away from an abusive person that might trigger PTSD. I do feel that maybe your sister doesn't know the full extent of abuse that you experienced or has trouble hearing the truth because she didn't experience it. I would suggest family counseling for all siblings to understand your feelings & work on your relationships going forward. I'm sorry that counseling wasn't done prior to his illness so that you & your siblings would have understood your reasoning of not having a physical presence in front of your dad or in his house. Don't feel guilty or let them make you feel guilty. Continue to offer support financially or by shopping, etc. Maybe show them a copy of this blog so that they can see how much you are supported! I hope that you & your siblings get through this together even though you offer help to your father in different ways. Stay strong & seek support from friends. 🕊🙏

Perhaps it would be helpful if you wrote your siblings a letter. Then your thoughts are on paper for them to mull over. And maybe you could then ask them to set up a meeting without your father. I would not speak to your siblings over the phone. Ask them to reply via email. You should have everything documented.

If you can't do it, you can't do it. Figure out how much you can provide financially and tell the youngest sister how much is available and to hire someone to help her.
If she brings up the issue of not understanding why you are done, just tell her your life with him was much different than her life with him, so she could never get a true understanding. If all of the siblings feel the same way she does, perhaps they have put the ghosts of the past to bed....you haven't. Have a conference call or zoom meeting with all of them if you need to ensure all understand your offer is financial only.

That's about all you can do to help

I don't claim to be blameless. In her late years, when she suddenly wanted a "daughter", I would not participate. I was drowning in resentment of her close relationships with any female other than me. So, I kept her at arms length right up to the end. I sat at her death bed and though she could hear but not respond, shared my regrets for the life we could have had, and lost. I think until my last breath, I will miss the basic mother/daughter experience of baking cookies together. Please think over your decision carefully before you commit, and he is gone. If you have one instance of a happy moment with your father, keep that and let go of the rest. If a clear mind exists, he knows his time is near. Undoubtedly he is reflecting over his life with remorse and regret. Useless, yes, but that is a hard thing to face when you know you are dying with no time left to make it right.

I'm sorry that you had to endure this as a child and as an adult. There are times in our life when even God understands that boundaries have to be made. My step father sexually abused me and then one day did the same thing to my 3 year old daughter. We had limited contact for a while. I never ever put my kids in an alone situation again. However, when he was diagnosed with cancer, I was the only one not working at a full time job if you don't count raising 3 kids full time, so the burden of helping my Mom and therefore helping him fell to me. One night while I was spending the night at the hospital with him, he asked why after everything was I there helping him. All I could say, was God who lives in me, gives me strength each day to forgive and live out my life as God would want. I choose to forgive but that doesn't mean I forgot and I did everything to make sure my children and others were safe from being alone with him. I cared for him at home with hospice until he died. My four step sisters never admitted if he ever sexually abused them, but they stood by me and were thankful for all my help while he was dying. My Mom was grateful too, even though she choose to stand by him both when I was a child and when it happened to my daughter. Being there and being Jesus to him has helped me tremendously over the years, along with the care giving I did for my grandparents and now my Mom. Sometimes God places us in hard places to love the most unlovable people to help us just as much as it helps them.

HR, I've read all of the responses (thus far). I'm pleased that in all of your responses you seem to indicate that you are healthfully resolute. That's HUGE! I've been struggling for about 7 yrs. with all these emotions due to similar circumstances. I can tell you that over this time, the 'guilt' is pretty much worked its way to the bottom of the list of bothersome feelings; I pray that you'll get there, too, and hopefully sooner rather than later, for sure! In my experience, working and struggling with 'this' works out (or not) with time. Also, I've learned the practice of being kind and compassionate toward myself with those things that I haven't (or can't?) come to terms with, or authentically 'accept'. You've gotten so much helpful feedback! : ) I did go to a very good (for me) therapist who taught me how to 'get' through 'this'. But it seems like this forum, with it's collective wisdom and experience, may have been just as helpful!

What you need is for your siblings to believe you; to stop calling you a 'liar', in essence, by denying YOUR truth based on THEIR experience with your father, and to validate your feelings fully. If you can't get that validation from them, then you may have to cut the siblings out of your life too. Just because 'they' had a fantabulous experience with the old man does NOT automatically mean that you did, too. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, I always say. We may WANT things to be a certain way, but reality is something entirely different most times.

I'm sorry that everyone is upset with you and that you are feeling depressed as a result. You are likely going through the stages of grief here by losing your family. I think it's time to start feeling ANGRY towards these 'family members' instead, and then allow yourself to move along to the final phase of grief which is Acceptance. A good way to get there may be to write them each a letter expressing your feelings, whether you put them in the mailbox or not, so you can get your emotions out of your heart and head that way.

Once you accept the fact that your father and your siblings are not deserving of your love and attention and that it's OKAY to make that statement out loud, THEN you can move on with your life and not feel guilty or responsible for the situation in any way.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward and sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.

Oh, I am so sorry. I shed tears reading your post. I am truly so sorry. For your family not to validate you is awful. I agree with lealonnie. Write each of your siblings a letter. Get it all out on paper. What you went through, what you are feeling. You can choose whether to mail them or not. If you don’t want to mail them, burn them in a fire pit. If your siblings don’t GET you and where you are coming from, please move on without them. Please talk to a therapist to help you with this. I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart ❤️ breaks for you.

Hi Miss H,
I had a very similar past with my mother. Her behavior ranged from rules and commands to beatings in the bathroom when I was four. - she flushed the toilet hoping no one would here my screams.
I felt guilty for a long time for ‘not forgiving her’, which seemed to be the common mantra “ forgive and you will feel better “. I could not do that. I started reading books addressing this issue. To my relief, there are many people who have had terrible relationships with one parent. I was struck by the interesting point you made about your dad’s good relationship with your younger siblings, but horrible with you.
I had the same situation. My two younger brothers could do no wrong. I couldn’t understand it, and still don’t.
However I read various books that said it’s ok if you hate/dislike/ don’t love your parent. One book the possible situations and suggested solutions for each kind of relationship. One was a “ divorce”, completely breaking ties, one was a “Separation “ physically separate but keep a cordial relationship, etc. I found the ‘separation’ suited me. Like you, I financially supported her. I moved three States away and did my duty. But I will not and cannot love her or forgive her- and now that’s OK. No more guilt. My brother doesn’t know or understand what I went through and we just call it “ a bad relationship “.

She cries now, but is too late.

So you are NOT alone, forgiveness is not always appropriate, separation worked for me.
Start reading and perhaps talk to people with like experiences- but there are few who will discuss this.

You might try this book for a start

Narcissistic Fathers: Dealing with a Self-Absorbed Father and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse [Book]
There are lots of books out there about this and supporting your decision.
best wishes

Hey I am also 65 and my Dad was hypoglycemic and the son of an alchieholic who died when he was 22. Sounds like you are about to lose him. Before he goes you need to forgive him and release him to the Father in heaven who may also forgive him if------ if he never made it mentally to the age of accountability--- which means he was traumatized just as you were-- which sometimes is the case. Ask God to help you forgive him-- because like Jesus on the cross said-- they know not what they do--- in other words-- as ignorant as a stump-- no concept, no good example-- his relatives never let him see any good examples-- perhaps were all drunks.... (?).... anyhow--- another avenue also------ in Japan-- there was plenty of leukemia thanks to heavy metals and radiation,,, One wholistic doctor has come up with a herbal remedy to increase red blood cell production --- by prescribing Mugwort Mochi--- which actually works but is less accepted my modern medicine because it is not Big Pharma-acceptable ($)... anyhow--- Japanese mugwort is sweet, American mugwort is bitter--- mochi is sweet glutinous rice-- the mugwort is combined with the glutinous rice to make little rice balls and fried in olive oil lightly not to destroy the health-giving qualities. Get it on line already prepared or go to a local healthfood store and order it... or to an oriental store. This is all from a wholistic medicine book -- Healing Ourselves by Naboru Muramoto-- he says-- people with leukemia should drink very little. They should eat mugwort mochi ( mohshy) which has proved excellent in building new blood globules. It makes good quality blood and arrests internal bleeding. The patient should chew his food well and be carefule not to indulge in any extremes. He should of course stop eating meat, sugar, and dairy food of any kind. The very worst foods for a leukemia patient are sugar, vinegar, and alcohol. Cereals ( grains--- like Brown rice with wheat groats combined with aduki beans flavored with tamari sauce and olive oil,,, no butter,,,) and sauteed or baked vegetables-- squash, red onions ... will be his main food. Ginseng tea may be taken for an extended period of time.
Now don't tell him you feel sorry for him. Pray for him that the Holy Spirit would convict him and give him dreams about how he has behaved all your life. The best thing you can do is help see you are able to see fit to help him heal his broken body before he leaves this world-- THAT will be the best "revenge" .. and you will seriously gain status in the family's eyes... might even keep some of them from going down the bad road he has been on. IF you have access to a church pastor, go see him or her... and you learn how to pray for a soul that is in such bondage. Good luck, God bless.

Watch Dr. Ramani’s videos of narcissism. It has been such a benefit for me.

Everyone needs to love themself; that means caring for their self. It is doing what is best for one’s self emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Plan to enjoy the remainder of your days by taking care of yourself.  Please don’t live the remainder of your life embittered; enjoy them.  
“Without forgiveness, we remained tethered to the person who harmed us. We are bound by the chains of bitterness, tied together. Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the key to our happiness, that person will be our jailor. When we forgive, we take back control of our own fate and our feelings. We become our own liberator.”
“Unforgiveness robs us of our ability to enjoy and appreciate our life, because we are trapped in a past filled with anger and bitterness. Forgiveness allows us to move beyond the past and appreciate the present, including the drops of rain falling on our face.”
The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World
By Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and Douglas Carlton Abrams

It might be a good idea to ask a pastor in your father’s hometown and ask him to call on your father and tell him of your forgiveness. If you do, you can rest in the comfort that you did the right thing, whether he responds or not. You need do nothing more. My prayers are with you. DTB

I’ve gone through all this ‘forgive for yourself’ advice about my own dreadful father, many times. He’s now been dead for 20 years. ‘Forgiveness’ is meaningless for me, his behavior was what it was. No, I haven’t forgotten either, but I am glad to say that I think about it less and less – in fact usually from comments on this site.

‘Forgive and forget’ is most difficult when it is continuing, the man is still alive, the difficult neighbors are still next door. For me and I think for you, just look after yourself, and be true to your own sense of the respectable way for you to behave yourself.

You did the right thing by detaching and leaving your abusive father. I had to do the same with my mother. My brother and sister don’t understand but we had different experiences with the same parent. Don’t feel bad about that. Don’t waste a lot of time trying to convince your siblings that he was very abusive. People will believe what they want to believe. You offered financial assistance. That’s more than gracious. If they don’t accept it, so be it. You have to take care of yourself. The last bout with my *still* abusive mother was pretty tough. I will never go back to visit her or call her again. Take care of you and if you can, get a therapist who specializes in adults who had abusive parents. God bless you always.

I can't imagine anyone putting up with this abuse and not hating the person doing it. This man, for whatever reasons, is mean, a devil and a horrible person. We may never know why some are favored and others beaten down but it is wrong to be cruel to anyone and he sure was. What in God's name are you feeling guilty about in walking away from this monster. If they did not receive the treatment you did, they may not see it or believe it - you can't fix that. I would tell them what he did and let the chips fall. And if they have turned on you now, why on earth are you pining for them? They may be blood but they are not worth it. Please take care of yourself and stand strong no matter what they do or say. Don't worry about this man -he does not deserve your concern. Tend to yourself and plan accordingly and make a new life so you can be happy.

Another thought I had to say is basically you have PTSD from his treatment and abuse. So unless your sister knows what PTSD is and has experienced it herself, she truly hasn’t a clue and can’t even understand your point of view. So just realize that. When a soldier has PTSD he or she doesn’t go back into the battlefield. They have to work on healing their scars and trauma and so do you.

Imho, may I suggest that you read the book, "Toxic Parents." I am married to someone who had a toxic mother and a toxic father. My husband's parents had 6 children, but "did not know what to do with them once they'd had them." After many tears trying to help the worst abused sister in law, she appreciated my comfort.
You had to protect yourself from your father, who was an abuser. I, too, was abused by a family member. I got past it after many, many years.

If you wouldn't tolerate abuse from a friend or a stranger, why tolerate it from a parent? Abuse is abuse. It's not an accident. It's deliberate. I was very young when I got married and my then husband was physically and emotionally abusive. I lived with it for about five years until one day something clicked and I thought "I don't have to live this way". I got a divorce. I put thousands of miles between us. I did not forgive him, and I never forgot what he did. I eventually became indifferent to whatever happened to him. In my opinion, you can't forgive someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong. It's OK to walk away and protect yourself. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. You will eventually enter a state of happiness or feeling good and enjoy your life. I'm sorry you have experienced abuse from someone who is supposed to love you. As for your siblings, they will believe what they choose to believe and you can't control that. I have friends that I consider family. They are my "chosen family" members. I know we can depend on each other for anything, even though we live in three different states. You can begin to live your own life, free from abuse. I wish you the best.

At this point, and after all you suffered at the hand of your father, you do not owe him nor your siblings even the time of day. Get on with your life and I really liked what one person said on here and that is you can choose who you want to be your “family” and put your energy into forming good healthy relationships. Love yourself and don’t let anybody live in your head that make you feel bad or guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Life is short so choose to be happy. Good luck to you.

Your only mistake was offering financial help, don't give an abuser a penny, and cut toxic siblings out of your life. It sounds like you're doing everything right to me.

Yes, but I'm helping my daughter take care of my mom in my home now who was abusive towards my brother and I. Growing up was a nightmare with her, the same thing grabbing me by the hair and dragging me accross the floor at nine years old while my four year old brother screamed in terror. We would have bruises on us from her that would last a month at a time all the way up to jr. high. Her beating my brother telling him he was just like his father ( who was different than my father) then sending him away to a boys home devistated us both. My brother has passed 15 years now. Our mom has always been known to flip out over nothing and my grandmothers excuse for my moms behavior was " She's i'll. " Whatever! So now my daughter and I are in the same boat so to say as you were but we haven't walked away from being her caregivers yet. Trust me we have wanted to many times and for the same reasons. She is to this day argumentitve and mean and rude and spits in my face. I also have very little love for her and my daughter is starting to pull away from her emotionally as well. Unfortunately with Covid-19 bringing in a stranger to our home or putting her in one is not an option for us right now so we are stuck with the abuse. Do we feel guilty for how our feelings are for her? Hell no! No one deserves to be treated like this from their elderly parent! Can the elderly parent control their behavior? Probably not. They go through a lot of loss within themselves such as loss of memory, freedom, hearing, body function control, eyesight, mobility, comprehension of what's going on, loss friends and family members. Not to mention all the pain they are in all the time. So with all of the mentioned above on top of them already being mean to begin with it's like a constant erupting volcano. You will put yourself in your grave sooner than need be if you let the rest of your family control your involvement. You have to do what is healthy mentally and spiritually for you. Your family won't understand this is something you need to do for yourself as their situations with him were different. Your not being selfish. Your surviving! Stay firm on your decision and live your life. If your siblings cut you off it's because they are resentful that they are not strong enough to do what you have chosen to do for your well being. They are also feeling the sting of the emotional obligation of taking care of him when they probably want to just live their lives freely too.

Shelli, are you living in your moms house? If so move out with your daughter. Is she living with you? Evict her!! You and your daughter do not have to live like this!! Call APS and tell them an elderly adult is living alone. They will only step in, however, if your mom is NOT competent. You don’t owe your mother a damn thing. Walk away from her. If not for you, then for your daughter. Do it for your daughter.