What should be done for siblings that exploit elderly parents who are now suffering from memory loss?

Whoever is taking care of them deserves a lot--they gave up their entire life for the aging parents if they are that bad off. If you put them in a nursing home, the institution will take everything anyway. Of course it's impossible to know all the particulars with this post--but a double room (not private) nursing home costs about $86,000 a year in exchange for horrible care and believe me they will go through a person's life savings full amount before they can go on Medicaid. Usually family who do not participate with the care of their parents and expect a sibling to do it all has no concept what they go through but expect all the money.

I am also going through this same horror story. I miss my dad so much. We always had contact, discussing what did you have for dinner, to what plans do you have next week, to taking him out to play golf, having him for special occasion dinners. Now no contact at all. Big brother has all control and telling my dad lies about the other siblings. Its so sad. It has totally devasted me i am now in professional help, and unable to work. So many i hear are in this same situation. I wish you luck. Lawyers haven't helped. My brother just uses this as fuel to feed the fire. Like i said, he has told lies to my dad and tells him things such as; the other siblings are out to get me , so dad you cant have contact with them. Im so afraid of going public because of what more damage my brother will do. My dad is isolated in a retirement home. No phone, no contact with siblings or any relatives. I was forced off the property while visiting with my dad. They were going to call the police. My dad looked very sad that i had to leave and shocked, but it was as per my brothers request and he (my dad) had no say, or has no say in whom he wishes to visit him.

Yes, big brother is the only POA. Please sign atleast 2 people to be your POA; and they even state 2 people who dont get along.

My brother cleared out my dads home and i have none of the family heirlooms including photos of us growing up, no photos of my mom who passed away years ago.

One clue that i didnt act on, but it may of been to late even then, is my dad said to me he was told not to trust me. This was years ago. I told my dad then that i may be the only most trustworthy person he may know. I really wish he had listened to me then as i only want the best for my dad, not isolation which he has now. I want my dad involved in all of our lives, including relatives and friends, in his last years.

Like i said earlier this is now happening to many others. I am not alone. I hope you will find a solution.

I would call adult protective services in your county and an Elder Law Attorney.

This is why parents should never put one child in charge of or access to their accounts. It is best to have a non-relative in charge of being POA. It may cost you some money, but avoids the long list of problems that occur between siblings over finances or health decisions.

Often exclusion in a family is simply the choice of the parent. That choice might be do to who's most responsible, who has caused them the least amount of grief over their years, to who even might have the nicer home for them to stay in, lots of different possibilities. It's easy for distraught, confused, angry or even bitter siblings to bicker over it all. It is the most common problem in elder care, fighting children. Parents make choices that are difficult for themselves and others in their senior years, but it is their choice, in the end they have to choose between their children who they trust to do what they want. There are a lot of winding legal issues in elder care and property as well that are not taken into consideration by people who are unaware of the legalities of it all.

1. POA can only be assigned by an attorney who works with the elder. The assigned POA has no say in the POA assignment. The parent and attorney chooses.
2. Wills can only be done by an attorney who works with the elder. Children have no say in the written will.
3. Attorney's will tell the caregiver or the parent's POA to take in all personal property to take an accounting of it, especially when there are other children fighting over it. The first reason for this is and this is shocking, until that parent has passed, their personal property still belongs to that parent. It is the responsibility of the assigned POA/Caregiver to protect that property from others who will take it as well as dispose of any property as the parent wishes, that might be a garage sale or estate sale even. Just because a parent is in care, does not mean everyone divides up their stuff. But a POA might be forced to gather it all to protect it if siblings are fighting over property.
4. Children cannot have a home signed over to them, even with a POA. But it would be easy for someone who's not in the legal field to make that assumption, and of course if that assumption were made, then of course the POA must have taken everything else too, right.... First consider if the home is even paid off or not, if it's not then someone has to pay that mortgage, so who's paying it? Lots of things to consider over all. Also if a parent is in nursing care and they have a home, Medicare will only pay for nursing care for a very limited time, after that you have to pay out of pocket, if you can't pay out of pocket for nursing home care, and you own property, you have to liquidate everything to qualify for Medicaid to pay for nursing home care. Just a note. Said sibling might be actually preserving the family estate.
5. Insurance has to be used to pay for final expenses, and if several siblings are bickering over that money because they want it, then how will those final expenses be paid? Some times someone has to just simply stand their ground to do what's right, gather everything up and protect it. Especially caregivers and POA's, who surely will be hit with a final expense bill if there is no insurance.
6. Elder care and abuse. Nursing homes are often horrid, and they run that way. Home care is a blessing often in comparison. State inspectors have seen it all, if they are called more than once on an obviously good situation in a home for an elder, they can press charges over anyone who makes false accusations and continues to call them.
7. Realigning in a proper manner with your brother or sister, might help, have a calm family meeting might help.

Overall if you have a sibling who is taking care of everything logically, calmly and legally, be grateful for them. They'd probably appreciate it.

I think assigning 2 POA'S could be a problem. Fighting, bickering, control issues. Parents should know which of their children can be trusted. Then again, maybe not... I agree some outside force needs to be consulted.

Been through this. I feel for those of you who are travelling the same course. It all comes down to one thing, TRUST. Unfortunately, those who are predisposed to taking advantage of elderly parents/parent will do so no matter how you approach such matters. All I can see is GREED. In this world there are givers and there are takers. Their day will come.

I would enlist the advice of an elder law attorney BEFORE pulling in Adult Protective Services. My reasoning is that APS will show up reasonably quickly, giving the evil-doer a heads up that their actions will be going under the microscope. This will give them more time to fudge and rearrange records before legal action occurs. Sometimes APS can muddy the waters. A local elder law attorney will know about how APS operates in your area - there are wide variations in APS practices from one jurisdiction to another. I'm so sorry this is part of your family's story, but we have to face reality. Run, don't walk, it's time to lawyer up! - The Dementia Nurse

Great answers! So many of us struggle with the issues of caring for aging parents. My husband and I put our life on hold so many ways for his father but it was a labor of love. We were determined to make sure my father-in-law lived as happy as possible. Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago. The criticisms of other family members have only increased since we went from Caregiver and Power of Attorney to Executor, although we are working hard to make sure my father-in-law's wishes are carried out. It is a thankless job but we go to bed every night knowing we are doing what he wanted us to do, which is a great reward. Now that he is gone, our memories are our comfort.

I have a sibling that came in and tried bullying her way into changing everything over to her. I have managed my dad's affairs for 4 years since my mom passed. Now the sibling who has never checked on our dad in 4 years wants to be in control as his POA. She has taken him to the bank underhandedly to take me off of our shared account while out of town and cleaned out his bank account. I worked for years to get his cash flow positive and she took it all by having him sign blank checks that he had no idea about. This has been so frustrating. One attorney told me I have to pay out $2500 to request guardianship which is a process. I did file a complaint with Adult Protective Services.. It is so sad that our small family unit has been strained because of greed and taking from a parent who really does not have much and needs all he has for his care. It frustrates me to no end to watch a bank do all the dumb stuff that they have allowed. I would like to find a lawyer to sue them for all of the mental,emotional stress they have also put us through for not following their own alerts. Good Luck with solving your exploitation sibling. Share back if you find a agency to help you.