What should be done for siblings that exploit elderly parents who are now suffering from memory loss?

my father wanted to update his will to make it equal parts for 3 children. years ago...my brother took my father to an attorney he knew...and this was not in any other siblings favor but his. when my mother was not well enough to sign for an updated will...he stole the will, trust and POA that my father had over his wife, my mother!! thank god that after 3 years that my brother took it...my father decided to update the new will and POA. he did this because after my brother took the will...he stopped coming to visit my parents...it's been about 2 1/2 years now!!! my mother died 2 days ago...and i kept her home so that he could come and say good bye...he did not come...but he still thinks he outsmarted me and thinks he has control of the house!!!! PEOPLE ARE SOOOOOOOO DISGUSTING...I FEEL SORRY FOR MY PARENTS THAT THEIR SON IS SUCH A PARIAH!!

I have a sibling that came in and tried bullying her way into changing everything over to her. I have managed my dad's affairs for 4 years since my mom passed. Now the sibling who has never checked on our dad in 4 years wants to be in control as his POA. She has taken him to the bank underhandedly to take me off of our shared account while out of town and cleaned out his bank account. I worked for years to get his cash flow positive and she took it all by having him sign blank checks that he had no idea about. This has been so frustrating. One attorney told me I have to pay out $2500 to request guardianship which is a process. I did file a complaint with Adult Protective Services.. It is so sad that our small family unit has been strained because of greed and taking from a parent who really does not have much and needs all he has for his care. It frustrates me to no end to watch a bank do all the dumb stuff that they have allowed. I would like to find a lawyer to sue them for all of the mental,emotional stress they have also put us through for not following their own alerts. Good Luck with solving your exploitation sibling. Share back if you find a agency to help you.

I have often heard it said that whatever is got wrong will go wrong. How could any one take advantage of their Parents ? It is sad to learn how low some will stoop.

"What should be done for siblings..." should be amended to say "What should be done TO siblings..."

I am a little confused about how your sibling did all of this. I have POA and I have done a lot of the same things your mentioned; but they were all in the best interest of my mom. But I do have a sibling accusing me of all types of things that I have not done. Social Security does not recognize POA - you can contact them directly if you think your parents social security has been mismanaged. They take fraud very seriously. Also any change of beneficiaries through an insurance policy - usually has to be approved by the insurance policies legal department. I know this from experience.

How was the POA and will drawn up - did your sibling do this themselves or was an attorney hired. If you take your parents to an elder care attorney - which is what I did. They truly act on the best interests of the parents and the new documents will supersede the old documents. My mom has Alzheimer's but at the time the new will was drawn, the attorney was confident that she was cognizant enough for this to be done.

If you really feel that your parents are not cognitive and are being abused - I would recommend having a court appointed guardian. It is costly and time consuming, but your parents best interests will be addressed and their financial affairs would be handled someone who is not a family member. This may be your best option.

reading all these posts....i think most caregivers and siblings have had this problem!! i know my two brothers don't care about my parents...but they sure have their hands out for their share of the house!! scumbags...can't wait till this is over....and start living my life again...if it's not tooooo late! lol

To Thanklessjob. Your right it can be a thankless job. I have been trained to work with the elderly. I feel for those i have seen that feel lost when their parent developes dementia and doesnt recognize them, or shuns them away and accuses them of stealing. And its hard going through this personally. Especially when my dad and i were very close. I am his only daughter. I never moved far from my parents; although i could of and may of been more sucessful; but i decided to stay near to them for the day when they would require my help. I am the dutiful daughter, and something isn't right right now. I am staying very close, because he may not realize it but he may need me now more than ever.

I am an only child. I was the POA and the beneficiary of my dad's 'estate'. (My mom and dad were divorced when I was 5.) My name was already on his bank account, (per his request) so it was no problem when he became unable to care for himself (no dementia, just illnesses). I paid for everything he needed and he trusted me completely. I was worthy of that trust. I inherited a small amount of money when he passed. That was the first time I touched it.

My 93 yr. old mother is still alive. She has never suggested that I be on her account. She now has dementia. I took her to an elder attorney, when she still had some reasoning, to make me POA and beneficiary. (I think I would have had that power anyway, being the only child with no other relatives, but it's best to make things legal.) I had to "talk her into" putting me on her bank account so I could make decisions for her if she couldn't (explained if she had a stroke and couldn't talk) and to be able to pay for her cremation, which, at the time I wouldn't have been able to afford. She agreed. I have treated my moms' finances the same as my dads'. I get the payment for the memory care facility and any money for toiletries, clothes or medications from her account. I take out $20. for my gas. Unfortunately, I am accused of stealing everything she has (because of the dementia), at least 10 times during each visit. She says mean things like, "I see you're having a good time spending my money." "Oh, those are new clothes. You bought them with my money." I'm so hurt by her accusations even though I know she's demented. There are some of us who are honest but my mother never confided in me regarding her finances and was very secretive them. I don't know why. She certainly isn't a millionare. How sad to have a good kid that you don't trust.

It's too bad when one dishonest child can distort the thinking of their parents to get them to do what they want. I don't have to deal with it and I'm grateful. I don't see anyway out of it but to have your parents put ALL the names of their children on their finances, with signatures required by all of them before money could be distributed.

It should be against the law to give a beneficiary Power of Attorney. Unfortunately, it isn't. Even if the elderly parent trusts his / her adult childrne, they can either abuse that trust - or be falsely accused of "controlling" the elderly parent. It's a lose-lose situation. Best to speak to a lawyer - and call an organisation dealing with elder abuse if you have reason for concern.

I am poa and so is my sister, we never got along that well, now we don't even speak and have different ideas on our mothers care. Having 2 poa's isn't a "trip to disney either" the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing... very hard

Live01 has a strong point here. However, what good is that doing the elderly parents now? Meanwhile, while the thief awaits their day, those poor elderly parents are doing without what was stolen from them and restitution should be made. The thieves probably don't realize what they took from the elderly parents, things that will help them through life and into their future. I'm all for making people make restitution for taking something away that belongs to someone else when they weren't entitled to take what they took

Been through this. I feel for those of you who are travelling the same course. It all comes down to one thing, TRUST. Unfortunately, those who are predisposed to taking advantage of elderly parents/parent will do so no matter how you approach such matters. All I can see is GREED. In this world there are givers and there are takers. Their day will come.

An elder care lawyer is the way to go, but you will have to get proof that your parents are unable to think for themselves. He also can not act on his power of attorney unless your parents are too far gone. If they are too far gone then you can take him to court and it sounds like you have a good case.

Great answers! So many of us struggle with the issues of caring for aging parents. My husband and I put our life on hold so many ways for his father but it was a labor of love. We were determined to make sure my father-in-law lived as happy as possible. Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago. The criticisms of other family members have only increased since we went from Caregiver and Power of Attorney to Executor, although we are working hard to make sure my father-in-law's wishes are carried out. It is a thankless job but we go to bed every night knowing we are doing what he wanted us to do, which is a great reward. Now that he is gone, our memories are our comfort.

my brother stole my father's legal papers...trust & poa over my mother who has dementia!!! anyway...it took him 3 years to change it...and dam...not sure what i would have done because fighting my brother in court after taking care of my parents for 10 years...7 full time...it could have shredded my financial funds that i will be living on when they pass.

Get a lawyer and file for elder abuse thru the county.

Should the time come you hire a lawyer, I would definitely go for restitution as well as guardianship. Not going for restitution against the offender enables bad behavior to continue

You need to hire an attorney AND FAST!!!!

To dlh3354: thanks for your suggestion. To Grace 2016. I know how you feel. Have you tried the ombudsman as suggested by dlh3354?

To dlh3354: I cant give up, and wont. So far its been a year. For when the time happens and he passes, atleast i know i tried to the end. I couldnt live with myself otherwise. Its my dad with whom i had an excellent relationship. Even if i have to disguise myself, i shall never give up! Its my dad! Thanks for replying. And i wish all the others luck in the times ahead.

Sadly, elder financial abuse from family members is seldom prosecuted. This "white collar" crime occurs extremely often and is seldom rectified. Every senior knows of severe horror stories. The workers in the elder care business know how common it is. If you want to properly deal with it, make yourself as tough as nails, and find a pit bull elder care attorney. The road will be rough. Don't compromise an inch. Use the police, APS, Social Services, etc. You will never get the other Attorney in trouble. They are too slick. Decide to either go the whole route, or simply forget it and write it off as too difficult. That's actually what usually happens. The family dynamics are tremendously complex.

This is a very serious crime against elders! What I would do besides contacting the APS and an eldercare lawyer is go for guardianship and take over all matters including financial. I would also find out what lawyer handled that will before it was changed by the exploiting siblings. I would find out who that lawyer is and give them a call. I would also call the probate where it's filed and say something to them at very least. If your parents didn't know the well was going to be changed and they never consented to it then it would have to be invalid. If they made the will while they were in their right minds, that will would have to stand, and whoever changed the will would be facing subs but possibly serious trouble. You can't just go behind someone's back and just change their will, you don't do that, you just can't do that to people! How did this person do that anyway? In order to change the will it would have to be the rightful owner and their own signature. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if there was a undue influence in this matter, and just from your description I think there probably was

iam in a stuation my mother signed her insurance papers too brother who in past years mom had fallen out with and when my dad died he got her too sign papers which she didnt realize what she was doing she has many issues now dementia my daughter and myself live with her and take care of her making sure her bills are paid and her policy every month what too do i dont work anymore as she cant be left alone any sugestions what i can do

Ramona1974 - you are correct. A POA is only in effect when the principle is no longer able to make decisions for themselves. This does not mean the child or POA is able to make that detrmination. Being deemed incapable of making decisions is a Physicians job. To trulibra - do not give up. You can contact a local Ombudsman and see what their thoughts are. They will work in your dads best interest. Best of luck to all.

I had the same problem with my sister, her husband and my brother. They are so horrendous and did so much harm to family and our father that I got myself emancipated from them legally. The Nursing Home he was staying at called the NJ State Ombudsman for the Elderly. Once they informed him of what was happening he came down immediately. It is a very serious crime and the state of NJ has many offices that can look into this. A lawyer was too expensive and the Ombudsman came down to the Nursing Home at no cost to investigate.

When you visit your parents, how do they seem to be functioning?

When read your question, the word, fraud, popped into my mind. You need a well-qualified elder law attorney or Certified Elder Law Attorney or super expert in elder law.

To: Ramona1974: i thought so also, and have talked with the retirement center. Next step is their head office. POA, if parent is deemed incoherent, has powers like god. He makes all the decisions now. I was told the standard statement that i couldnt visit my dad because it would upset him. Well, retirement management saw first hand that i was in no way upsetting him and there was no form of aggitation from him. Beware who you assign POA to. Once thought big brother was honest, but seems different now. He doesnt even let the other siblings or relatives know how my dad is doing. No updates on the many hospital vists we found out about by other means.

I agree that in lieu of there being one responsible, trustworthy adult child, that POA should be a disinterested 3rd party, probably an attorney. 2 POA's has caused some issues in our family, as I am not one of them, I stay out of it. One brother is VERY controlling and we've had problems with him not "sharing" pertinent info with the rest of the family. Nothing huge, but it sure could get bad.

As far as inheriting--ah, that old issue can be so ugly. I know mother has divided her estate up equally amongst us 4 remaining sibs, BUT my brother, with whom she lives, SHOULD inherit more. When the time comes, I may likely just gift my inheritance to him. My other 2 sibs are independently wealthy and the money would mean nothing to them, to my brother, who has put his life on hold for 17 years for dad, and now mother--this inheritance will mean the world.

To my knowledge, a POA cannot stop others from visiting loved ones--POA isn't complete control, it's a legal thing.

My brother doesn't exploit mother, but my elder brother (now deceased) certainly did, and my younger sister did also. They both took advantage of mother's weak spots for them and cleaned her out years ago. Live and learn--I won't let this same thing happen to me.

I think assigning 2 POA'S could be a problem. Fighting, bickering, control issues. Parents should know which of their children can be trusted. Then again, maybe not... I agree some outside force needs to be consulted.