What to do with siblings that doesn't understand how BAD Mom is? I'm Over it!

You all have got to get together with a therapist or social worker or perhaps a doctor to let them tell you about Dementia/Alzheimer's. You are all fighting against each other when you NEED to be SUPPORTING each other. YOU CANNOT DO THIS!

If this continues you are going to be very sorry because it is going to get worse with your Mom and her stories and you cannot keep blaming each other for things your Mom says.

My mother has moderate dementia and she loses things all the time and then accuses my sister and I of taking them or throwing them away. She kept losing the checkbook so I had to take it away and hide it from her, so it would not wind up in the trash. This behavior is PART OF THIS DISEASE.....IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE FIGHTING OVER WITH YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

You all have got to grow up and cut out the BS between all of you. Someone in your family has got to be the sane person who is going to help take care of Mom not beat the crap out of each other over things that Mom has said.

At Christmas we were taking pictures and I told Mom to smile and she refused, saying that I had told her that she had a terrible goofy smile! I said, "Mom when did I ever say that?" I was crying and my other family members were looking at me like I was a horrible person. My sister finally said, "Don't worry we know it's the disease talking!" I was horrified, but everyone realized that this is all part of the disease and knew that I would never say or do anything to hurt my Mom.

We all have had the same exact problems that you are having. The problem is you believe that the statements she is making are rational even if they are mean or blaming someone else for her problems. What you have not realized is that she is VERY ILL and none of you can believe these outrageous statements any longer. You have got to realize her accusations are without merit. Rather than calling the next sibling and screaming at them you need to feel sorry for Mom and her false accusations and you need to stand together as a united front....the bickering and fighting between you all has to stop now.

There are support groups all across the United States, you all need to attend the meetings and learn about her disease so you can better understand what is happening and how best to handle her and each other.

Good Luck and God Bless you All!

Lynn, you cannot force another adult to do anything they don't want to do. Period. The only person you control is yourself. If this situation is causing you grief, stay away as much as you can. If your mother needs more care, maybe she needs to go somewhere that will give it to her (and she will abuse and accuse them too!)

I remember how helpful it was when a social worker told me that my mother's behavior was very typical of dementia. She'd forget where she put something and accuse us of taking it. She's gotten so bad that she forgets where she put things she hasn't even OWNED in 40 years and accuses us of taking them.

When someone comes over from Home Health Care, etc., she tells them awful lies about how we abuse her and how mean we are. I called her on that one day as it was happening, and told her that if she felt she was not getting adequate care from her daughters, then we would find a care facility for her where she would have full-time professional medical care 24/7. She knows that means nursing home, so she stopped her complaining and lying.

dementia is just an exascerbation of existing dysfunctions. as your mother gets more helpless you may be able to overlook her irrational behavior more easily. family commonly hurt each other but at the end of the day dam few other people care about you. family is stuck with each other. i have no goodwill towards my ex but i believe if i ever fell ill shed be the first there to help me even tho shes remarried. the family thing again.. its like a non aggressive trade agreement..

I think I understand what you are saying. If she had been a really nice person and then got mean when dementia set in, that would be one thing. Maybe easier to forgive. But when the person has always been difficult and now is just getting MORE difficult, there is something really awful about that. I have that situation with my mother. I never had a great relationship with her because she is so self centered and now she is even more so. Makes it hard to have a kind attitude towards her and of course, the sibs aren't much interested in helping out either!

My mother-in-law used to do similar things like that too. It caused feelings getting hurt and siblings to distance each other and taking sides. The family was always majorly dysfunctional anyway. But it got worse when the mother-in-law got elderly, because then we didn't know if it was her illness or doing it (what seemed like) on purpose again. We had to take EVERYTHING she said with a BIG grain of salt. There was drama after drama about everything. It's sad, but it never got any better. Now that she has passed - the family hardly ever sees or speaks to each other. If it weren't for Facebook, we'd know nothing about some of them. And others have totally alienated the whole family. I don't have any advice except to understand that she's sick and now sicker and try protect yourself emotionally from her drama. Good luck!!

By the way, this sister has her grandkids in for a visit so I'm staying mum until they leave because she will be so upset over Mom saying she took things...I want her to have a good time with her grandkids.
I normally would not say anything but this time my sister needs to know so she can be prepared if she gets a visit from the sheriff's dept..which another sister said they would just laugh and leave it at that but I'm not so sure about that.

Thanks..this is how I feel exactly.
I figured if I stay out of the picture either everyone else(which I seriously doubt) will step up to plate and "See" what's going on or Mom will end up in the nursing home on her own accord.
I know you love your Mom as I do mine but mine is really pushes that sometimes and this is one of them. I just need some time away from this stress. Hugs

DGinGA has it right. Give what support you can but put your own needs first. If she was capable of loving you, she would want you to do that.

Yep, this disease takes tremendous patience and forgiveness. Best you can do is calm yourself and just listen, knowing you aren't the crazy one and take the paranoia and accusations with a grain of salt. My sib and I experience same and it doesn't hurt any less but we support each other and both know the truth about the various situations.

My mom accused an neighbor and my brother of breaking into her bank and stealing money, etc....it was not possible. She is stuck on this and it hurt my sibs feelings, but we ignore. She reported to police but couldn't get her story straight, then police called me and I explained her condition and they didn't pursue.

She brings the same incident up, accused me of stealing other things which I go over and locate for her. Unfortunately, this is a vicious cycle. I admittedly have to be in the mood, calm and well rested to deal with her and that's how I cope. I'm not full time caregiver so I don't chose to deal with it unless I have to.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Please talk with sibs and family and have everyone understand its the disease and even though she was like this previously the age and disease exascerbates this condition. Ignore what you can. Explain to your other sibs you don't want this to tear you apart and when each hears the "crap from mom" to not jump to conclusions.

When you can't stand it, tell her to go ahead and call the police but they will then know she has dementia and these accusations will be unfounded....

Mom called this evening and told me she was back from getting something to eat. I always before would question her about where she went and what she ate..which ended up being something dramatic like "I couldn't eat a thing"..which Mom always says that and she is by no means skinny or doing without something to eat. (Everyone was worried about her so I signed her up for Meals on Wheels and she cancelled after the 2nd visit) I just told her that was fine and hung up..which about 2 seconds later another sister called and said Mom talked to me but I didn't want to talk. I just told the sister that right now I could not talk to Mom(I'm not sure after this I will be able to again). My sister said "Oh No what did she do now." That's a laugh since it was this sister that Mom accused, not to her face mind you, but to me that she took some thread and needles and was going to go to the sheriff's office and report it . My hubby asked me who was going to take her to the sheriff's office, the sister that she was going to report? I got a good laugh on that one:-)_
Bottom line is, right now I need to stay away from her until I feel more calmer. I have 2 more Chemos to go and then surgery and this will help me to feel better without all of this stress with Mom. Thanks for listening..