What to do with siblings that doesn't understand how BAD Mom is? I'm Over it!

You are in chemo and facing surgery? That alone is physically emotionally draining, and I can hardly conceive of taking on elder care in that situation. But you are, and I also can't conceive of your sibs not pitching in more to take the strain off of you, knowing what you are struggling with. When I hear of all the inconsiderate siblings out there, makes me glad I'm an only child. I like Carol Lynn's idea of the nanny cam which would serve you well in the area of documentation. I kept a written journal on my Mom, which was of great help with the doctors and hospital. Raven's idea of a letter to the sibs is also a good one. I would add in your medical issues to wake them up a bit, and call for a family meeting (without Mom) being as diplomatic as possible. I take it they are all within reasonable travelling distance from Mom? Hopefully you can all get together and come up with a plan of care that gets you all contributing and working together. If they agree, perhaps set up an email system where you are all cc'd every time, so you are all in the loop. Maybe this is idealistic, but I believe they will soon see that you are all facing similar challenges with Mom, and can offer eachother supportive ideas to deal with them.

Maybe write a letter to each sibling. something like this.....?:

Dear Brothers and Sisters:
As you are all aware, Mom is very ill with Parkinsons/dementia. On many occasions, due to her illness Mom now makes up stories about items being stolen from her, when in fact she has simply misplaced these items and I normally go to her house and help her find where she has laid them.

These incorrect accusations have in the past caused discord within our family and arguments have broken out between us because we did not know whom to believe. Let me assure you that Mom's medical condition has made this worse and as her illness progresses it will undoubtedly continue to worsen.

I am requesting that each of you take this into account when you receive phone calls from Mom making such accusations. Taking care of Mom and checking on her is very difficult at times and it is taking a toll on me. This being the case I would like to ask that when these calls come to your home, please disregard them. I am exhausted and quite honestly cannot handle going over each offense she believes has been perpetuated against her.

We need to work together as a family unit knowing that Mom's illness will only progress and her "stories" will probably increase along with the illness. Please let us all stand together as a united front and not make false accusations ourselves against each other.

I love and appreciate you all as my brothers and sisters and hope you will stand with me on this issue.

Sincerely............

I am sure you could word it better but you get my idea, be nice but basically tell them you cannot continue to be their sounding board or person to run to. It is to mentally and emotionally draining.

corrections... not correcting everything if it's understandable without correction

suggesting in your case is getting A NANNY CAM, set it up...

SIT a bit off to the side so you're not blocking the CAMERA'S VIEW of her...


If you stay calm, SHE WILL most likely...

you need to think in a SELF protective way...

(I apologize for my voice activation Android, just isn't perfect)

ALL IS NOT LOST...

Get a Nanny Cam. I just saw one, a mini digital clock with a hidden nanny cam, can be set in full record mode or motion activated, functions like a webcam, hooks up and downloads to your computer...all for $65. Said you had to buy something called an SD card, I didn't follow that up or check the price but this is probably a viable option. Why record mom (or dad)?

I found that all elders.even up to moderate dementia patients, either have lucid moments or can be brought to a place of calmness and lucidity if you talk long enough with them and give them enough attention. What I'm suggesting you do in your case is getting any can, set it up to point at moms favorite chair, set a bit off to the side so you're not blocking the camera review of her and begin a conversation about the things that bother you. Like her accusations of theft. You your self need to talk in a very calm almost hypnotic manner and bring these things up. Let her flare air up if she needs to, all the better to capture that on video for your family to watch later. They don't see her behavior like you do and this will help them SEE, see? If she flares up, keep being calm and talk her down from her position. You will usually be able to bring her to a place of acquiescence. Like first she flares, then you talk a bit and say something like, now Mon you really don't think Janey would take your thread do you? If she still think so, good. Then you say mom, I can't believe that Jamie would take your thread, she doesn't even need thread, do you really think she needs thread? Eventually if you stay calm, sure most likely begin to agree with you. Once you master this the skill and you have these personalities flips in more than one instance, you can show the videos to your family. Having these could also help you with a doctor, law enforcement or Adult Protective Services should the need arise. When professionals actually witness what you have recorded, they will then understand condition they're dealing with and it will take the suspicion out of their minds regarding what your mother says about any of you.

It's a little research and money and time to get started but you need to think in a cell phone protective way when you've got someone who is functioning in this manner. In my opinion of course.

But Captain, tell us how you REALLY feel. Haha.

DGinGA has it right. Give what support you can but put your own needs first. If she was capable of loving you, she would want you to do that.

Thanks..this is how I feel exactly.
I figured if I stay out of the picture either everyone else(which I seriously doubt) will step up to plate and "See" what's going on or Mom will end up in the nursing home on her own accord.
I know you love your Mom as I do mine but mine is really pushes that sometimes and this is one of them. I just need some time away from this stress. Hugs

Lynn, you cannot force another adult to do anything they don't want to do. Period. The only person you control is yourself. If this situation is causing you grief, stay away as much as you can. If your mother needs more care, maybe she needs to go somewhere that will give it to her (and she will abuse and accuse them too!)

I remember how helpful it was when a social worker told me that my mother's behavior was very typical of dementia. She'd forget where she put something and accuse us of taking it. She's gotten so bad that she forgets where she put things she hasn't even OWNED in 40 years and accuses us of taking them.

When someone comes over from Home Health Care, etc., she tells them awful lies about how we abuse her and how mean we are. I called her on that one day as it was happening, and told her that if she felt she was not getting adequate care from her daughters, then we would find a care facility for her where she would have full-time professional medical care 24/7. She knows that means nursing home, so she stopped her complaining and lying.

I totally agree!
But none of my siblings will agree. They don't want to get involved nor come around to see how bad Mom's health/mind is.
Today at Church a lady that goes and checks on Mom through Triade(it's through the Sheriff's dept that I signed Mom up with) said that when she's there with Mom that she only talks about what I do for her.
How do you force siblings to take a step up to the plate and realize that Mom is not right? If you can answer this, I sure will try it because I've tried everything and nothing has worked with them. It seems like they don't care nor do they want to get involved. But when Mom calls them and is speaking out of her head or doing something weird, they call me about it...go figure.

You all have got to get together with a therapist or social worker or perhaps a doctor to let them tell you about Dementia/Alzheimer's. You are all fighting against each other when you NEED to be SUPPORTING each other. YOU CANNOT DO THIS!

If this continues you are going to be very sorry because it is going to get worse with your Mom and her stories and you cannot keep blaming each other for things your Mom says.

My mother has moderate dementia and she loses things all the time and then accuses my sister and I of taking them or throwing them away. She kept losing the checkbook so I had to take it away and hide it from her, so it would not wind up in the trash. This behavior is PART OF THIS DISEASE.....IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE FIGHTING OVER WITH YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

You all have got to grow up and cut out the BS between all of you. Someone in your family has got to be the sane person who is going to help take care of Mom not beat the crap out of each other over things that Mom has said.

At Christmas we were taking pictures and I told Mom to smile and she refused, saying that I had told her that she had a terrible goofy smile! I said, "Mom when did I ever say that?" I was crying and my other family members were looking at me like I was a horrible person. My sister finally said, "Don't worry we know it's the disease talking!" I was horrified, but everyone realized that this is all part of the disease and knew that I would never say or do anything to hurt my Mom.

We all have had the same exact problems that you are having. The problem is you believe that the statements she is making are rational even if they are mean or blaming someone else for her problems. What you have not realized is that she is VERY ILL and none of you can believe these outrageous statements any longer. You have got to realize her accusations are without merit. Rather than calling the next sibling and screaming at them you need to feel sorry for Mom and her false accusations and you need to stand together as a united front....the bickering and fighting between you all has to stop now.

There are support groups all across the United States, you all need to attend the meetings and learn about her disease so you can better understand what is happening and how best to handle her and each other.

Good Luck and God Bless you All!

im BEING nbice, im really a drag when im pissed..

in order to get out and work im at the mercy of my sister, a mental midget who thinks its funny to show up at 11 am to relieve me for work. it isnt funny, the paassive aggressive shunt, and ive hired a former hospice worker to fill in . let sis sing hymns, teach her sunday school class and eat fried chicken. shes so clueless i dont have time for her. gods work is smacking her in the face as her mother is dying but shes so screwed she still believes a cult complete with a hymnal will take her to heaven. if i ended up in heaven the first thing i would do is decapitate that clueless twat..

By the way, this sister has her grandkids in for a visit so I'm staying mum until they leave because she will be so upset over Mom saying she took things...I want her to have a good time with her grandkids.
I normally would not say anything but this time my sister needs to know so she can be prepared if she gets a visit from the sheriff's dept..which another sister said they would just laugh and leave it at that but I'm not so sure about that.

Mom called this evening and told me she was back from getting something to eat. I always before would question her about where she went and what she ate..which ended up being something dramatic like "I couldn't eat a thing"..which Mom always says that and she is by no means skinny or doing without something to eat. (Everyone was worried about her so I signed her up for Meals on Wheels and she cancelled after the 2nd visit) I just told her that was fine and hung up..which about 2 seconds later another sister called and said Mom talked to me but I didn't want to talk. I just told the sister that right now I could not talk to Mom(I'm not sure after this I will be able to again). My sister said "Oh No what did she do now." That's a laugh since it was this sister that Mom accused, not to her face mind you, but to me that she took some thread and needles and was going to go to the sheriff's office and report it . My hubby asked me who was going to take her to the sheriff's office, the sister that she was going to report? I got a good laugh on that one:-)_
Bottom line is, right now I need to stay away from her until I feel more calmer. I have 2 more Chemos to go and then surgery and this will help me to feel better without all of this stress with Mom. Thanks for listening..

Yep, this disease takes tremendous patience and forgiveness. Best you can do is calm yourself and just listen, knowing you aren't the crazy one and take the paranoia and accusations with a grain of salt. My sib and I experience same and it doesn't hurt any less but we support each other and both know the truth about the various situations.

My mom accused an neighbor and my brother of breaking into her bank and stealing money, etc....it was not possible. She is stuck on this and it hurt my sibs feelings, but we ignore. She reported to police but couldn't get her story straight, then police called me and I explained her condition and they didn't pursue.

She brings the same incident up, accused me of stealing other things which I go over and locate for her. Unfortunately, this is a vicious cycle. I admittedly have to be in the mood, calm and well rested to deal with her and that's how I cope. I'm not full time caregiver so I don't chose to deal with it unless I have to.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Please talk with sibs and family and have everyone understand its the disease and even though she was like this previously the age and disease exascerbates this condition. Ignore what you can. Explain to your other sibs you don't want this to tear you apart and when each hears the "crap from mom" to not jump to conclusions.

When you can't stand it, tell her to go ahead and call the police but they will then know she has dementia and these accusations will be unfounded....

My mother-in-law used to do similar things like that too. It caused feelings getting hurt and siblings to distance each other and taking sides. The family was always majorly dysfunctional anyway. But it got worse when the mother-in-law got elderly, because then we didn't know if it was her illness or doing it (what seemed like) on purpose again. We had to take EVERYTHING she said with a BIG grain of salt. There was drama after drama about everything. It's sad, but it never got any better. Now that she has passed - the family hardly ever sees or speaks to each other. If it weren't for Facebook, we'd know nothing about some of them. And others have totally alienated the whole family. I don't have any advice except to understand that she's sick and now sicker and try protect yourself emotionally from her drama. Good luck!!

I think I understand what you are saying. If she had been a really nice person and then got mean when dementia set in, that would be one thing. Maybe easier to forgive. But when the person has always been difficult and now is just getting MORE difficult, there is something really awful about that. I have that situation with my mother. I never had a great relationship with her because she is so self centered and now she is even more so. Makes it hard to have a kind attitude towards her and of course, the sibs aren't much interested in helping out either!

dementia is just an exascerbation of existing dysfunctions. as your mother gets more helpless you may be able to overlook her irrational behavior more easily. family commonly hurt each other but at the end of the day dam few other people care about you. family is stuck with each other. i have no goodwill towards my ex but i believe if i ever fell ill shed be the first there to help me even tho shes remarried. the family thing again.. its like a non aggressive trade agreement..