When you have abusive parents, should siblings guilt each other over taking care of them? What is a reasonable way to decide ways and means. I've noticed that many people are trying to do it all themselves and are drowing. But what about the situation where one sibling wants Mom at home, and another says "she needs to be in assisted living, not under our roofs! Let's figure a cost and I'll be happy to pay my share and stay at a distance." My doctor warned me never to visit for any length of time, and never alone (believe it or not) for the sake of my mental health. Me: "But they're old!" Him: "So what!" I could not get my mind around this, for religious reasons. So, I talked to my pastor, who is a moral theologian. Told him that I needed a honest description of my duties to my parents (don't spare my feelings). He told me that a child's responsibility is to help their parents if they fall into destitution. It was perfectly moral for me to take the doctor's advice and never see my parents again. (They had money.)
I can't stress how grateful I am for this advice - otherwise I shudder and shake at what would have happened to me if I had fallen for the "conventional you owe your parents." What I'm trying to say is that, in any type of abusive history," be fair to siblings - at least in some cases they want to keep their distance for perfectly valid reasons. Of course, it financial help is needed, then all the kids have some obligations, but in terms of personal contact, don't fall for a parent who tries to use one sib against another. Nothing wrong with keeping distance. And it Mom or Dad tries to guilt you, just remember "what you sow, so shall you reap."
We have followed a simple philosophy - The person with whom he is staying decides how to take care. No one else shall advise. Home is better than institution.
The money will be contributed by the persons who can afford. The person who is taking care can ask some body to come and relieve or send the Dad to his place for definite period. One good part for this to work is there is no property involved so there are no misunderstandings.
The philosophical side is- though he was abusive when we were small , he did his best possible according to him. We should also do the best possible according to us. No stress since there is no comparison with what should be ideal.
I agree with doctor's advice.
Madge - I agree and I don't agree, when ALL the heavy lifting gets thrown on one child. If a child doesn't want responsibility for a parent, that's one thing, but abandoning your siblings when THEY step up? I think that's very selfish. Moral support at the minimum would be nice. I get nothing.... My abusive Dad is in a NH and he will stay there instead of me going to all sorts of lengths to get him care in a rented condo and have him continue to verbally abuse my mother till he's dead. So I agree with you. But I still do his laundry, take Mom to see him, visit him. Where are the other two siblings?? Gone.....God help them when my parents die. They won't even get a phone call from me.
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