My siblings and I (2 sisters 1 brother) are having difficulty with overstepping personal space with helping our dad. Any suggestions?

Dear Dadjack97,

My dad was very private too. I too am easily embarrassed. But since I took on the responsibility to be my dad's primary caregiver, I tried to respect my dad's privacy as much as possible. And treated him like I would a nursing aid, when helping him with his showers or wiping his bottom, I would wear disposable gloves. I would try to maintain eye contact with him. We had a bath stool in the tub. When he sat down, I would pull the curtain and let him do as much as he could. I would just get on with doing the rest. I find having disposable wipes easier as well. If my dad was really uncomfortable with me tending to him, I would have tried to have home care come in and assist us. I think about my mom and dad having to wipe all our bottoms as children. I would just carry on and do what I could to ensure his comfort. I know its not easy. Maybe even just ask him, how he thinks it should be handled.

I completely sympathise. To lighten the mood a little, what you *don't* do is what I did the first time my mother trailed 'residual' from bathroom to bedroom to sitting room, namely shriek with horror. I improved with practice...

I appreciate that you have the additional gender difficulty to cope with. All the same, I would suggest that your first hurdle is overcoming the embarrassment. The less embarrassed you can manage to be (even if you deserve an Oscar), the less painful it will be for your father.

I would recommend accompanying your father - in a low key way - to the bathroom and making sure that everything he needs is within easy reach. If you can, check that his clothing isn't going to hamper operations too. Then, if you can persuade him to do this, in a cheerful and matter-of-fact way, see if you can get his agreement to call you at the "paperwork" stage so that you can help if he needs it. A small towel over his lap will spare his and your blushes - it is important to preserve dignity as far as humanly possible.

Has there been a change in bowel habit, by the way? (Should have asked this first, really)

The only other thing I can suggest is getting in a trained caregiver, perhaps on a temporary basis, and watching how it's done.

Thanks, I appreciate hints you gave. I especially like the towel over him. Also maintaining eye contact. We will use the wipes also. I will give these suggestions a try and see how it goes.

Perhaps your husband could give you directions? Also try to pay attention to dads bowel health. Prebiotics and probiotics are important. Fiber is important. Regular meals and exercise usually lead to regular bms. Healthy fats. SAMs carries extra large wipes which might be easier to use. Keep a log of when he goes and what he eats and maybe the experience will come to be less eventful as you see what works for him.

Use the gloves and clean up from behind. Use a wash cloth and warm soapy water if things are a real mess. As suggested keep a towel over the front and if he can manage that part let him do it. Slip the clean underwear over his feet and with the towel still in place pull them up under the towel. Personally I think maintaining eye contact increases the embarrassment just look away. maybe have some music playing or a news program on the radio as a diversion.In the end you just have to get over it and get the job done. Dad knows this as well as you do. if there start to be accidents get flooring that is easily cleanable. Protect chairs with chucks. Cut soiled depends off by slitting the side seam so you don't smear the poop all down the legs. If they are just wet and Dad is lying in bed. Cut the sides but leave in place. Pull the clean pair up as high as possible then slide the soiled on out while pulling the clean on up over his unmentionables. You will get the hang of it and think of ways that work for you.