Me and my 2 siblings are caring for our 95-year-old mother and we are all getting burned out. What can I suggest to them without coming across the wrong way?

Since mom is cognizant just as she made it clear that she wanted to remain in her home but expected each sibling to spend the night with her YOU and your siblings can make it clear to her that this can not continue.
Is there one that is POA for health and financial decisions?
If so this is the one that should talk for the group. (that is if you all agree that this arrangement needs to stop.) I can not believe that you are the only one that feels this stress and wants their life back 3 years is a LONG time to be doing this.
Her options are:
* Pay to have someone come in at night so that if something happens there will be someone to help.
* Install cameras so that each one of you can check in on her and make sure everything is ok. (I think some even allow 2 way communication)
* Look into Assisted or Independent Living.
* Get one of the Alert Button necklace, watch or other device so she can call for help if it is needed.
* She can move in with one of your siblings, the one that is most willing and the one that has a house that can accommodate her. If this is done a Caregiver Contract in WRITING should be drawn up indicating what the caregiver will do, how much they will get paid (yes this person should get paid).

I think she is under a false sense of security that if she fell one of you would be able to pick her, or help her up when in reality you should still call 911 and ask for a Lift Assist and IF there are injuries a transport to the hospital.

I feel your circumstance. My mother contracted covid and lost her walking ability and personal hygiene abilities. I am the oldest and live out of state, but manage to help every two or so months for two weeks and watch her 24/7. My sister's are on their own time. She is starting to walk alittle bit with a walker with PT. The only thing we need to concentrate now is getting her potty trained but need suggestions how to go about it. It will be up to me to get her started. Help need ideas.

It is time to make some hard decisions. If she has her senses, then possible live in care for the night time. Otherwise, you and your siblings will need to make a hard decision, take control of your life and do what needs to be done if she cannot stay by herself. I have had my mother for 6 months with dementia and i am worn out. I work full time and have care for her while I am at work. She is so demanding, and her age ranges from 5-10 years old. I had to child proof my entire house at 65. My sister cannot take her as she lives in a 1 bedroom and works full time also. It is hard but in order to save any sanity, I am looking to place her in a facility.

I agree with others to have maybe 2 or 3 additional caregivers to stay with her. “A Place For Mom” is a good organization that can be helpful finding that type of care.

as i told another post on here - you have got to take care of you too! you need help with your mother and you are abiding by her rule that she stay in her home! i'm sure she is scared at her age to be alone! is there any other person, a neighbor, a caretaker organization, a nurse who can go stay with her and take a few nites off for you and your sibs. check into it - and please do not feel guilty you are doing the best you can and if you burn out then who will be there at all.

I am so sorry for all you and your siblings are going through and especially since as you say you’re all getting older yourselves and have your own needs, One of the biggest things families need is to have a plan of action in place tailored to meet your families needs. A plan that can make assignments, weekly and daily task that if each sibling follow along can make things so much easier.

Something else that could help is having one or two additional caregivers that can come 2-3 days a week that can give all three siblings a break so that you will all know that those three days a week you can all refer to as your off days.

Even though it may require having to pay this additional caregiver it would be worth it for all three of your sanity. There are agencies that will actually pay your family to care for your Mom in her home and this money can be used to pay the extra caregiver to work those 2-3 days a week. This caregiver can also be trained to have daily task such as: light house cleaning, meal preparation and feeding, medication administration, washing clothes, dishwashing and so much more.

I hope the best for you and your siblings
Lynnel T.

Cpb1975: You cannot nor should not continue this even though your mother expects her 70 year old adult children to accomplish the overnight caregiving. Perhaps she will have to locate facility living.

I empathize with your situation. My three siblings and I (all in our 60s) also took care of my mom for over three years. She too wanted to stay in her place. We arranged to have someone with her during the day and we stayed overnight. What we did was we each took a night (M-Th). For the weekend, we alternated. Two of us would take it; one going from Friday night thru Saturday evening; the second from Saturday evening thru to Monday morning. When one of us needed a mental health day, someone would cover. It's about teamwork. For us, honestly, despite having similar problems with health and our own lives, we just tried to stay on the same page and remember what was important. It can never be about who is doing more than the other. Our mom had been devoted to us for so many years and it was now our turn to give back. She passed away two years ago at the age of 97 and not one of us has a regret about what we didn't do. We look at that time as a gift. I think that's the key isn't it. Life can be tough but it's your mom and you have to remind each other of that when you get overwhelmed (which is not unusual). It's alot but at the risk of sounding like a Hallmark it's so worth it.

Oh I get the bully of the family thing all right. Is it financially feasible to pay an aide to stay with her at night?

It's normal for many elders to expect their families to give up their lives and become slaves to them in their dotage. It's also normal for family members who are not saddled with the burden of caregiving themselves to not want a penny spent on the elder's care. Every penny put towards care is one taken from future inheritance.
None of you should be taking turns staying overnight at your mother's house. Not when all of you are in your 70's.
Hire an overnight caregiver. If your mother doesn't really need care, you can hire for what is known as 'Sleep Duty'. This means the person arrives at a certain hour and really is only there so the elder isn't alone in the house. They don't actual do care. They will get up once or twice during the overnight to make sure everything is all right and to handle an emergency if something happens.
As for the one sibling who wants to be "in charge" of all the financial affairs. Well, that sibling can also be in charge of arranging your mother's overnight care and everything else concerning her.
My guess is that sibling isn't interested in any of that. Therefore they should be told to go pound sand.

What if you set up Alexa in her home. This way you can talk directly to her when she needs something and "see" what she is up to. Kind of like an adult monitor. This way you can be in your home and have set times and days to be "on call" and enjoy your home life and feel like she is safe. You can peek in on her or remind her to do things as the night goes on . Maybe she is also lonely and knows this is a way to have company because she knows you care for her safety. An adult "friend" aide can stop by once every evening or 3 times a week to also help out. It could even be a young teenage companion to sit and talk with her. Perhaps someone who needs hours toward their medical hours. They could know you have the Alexa in charge and no one is strapped to doing all the work. I remember when I was 12, I would go 3 times a week to dust the lady's furniture as she was dealing with end stage breast cancer.. Was paid $4 . It was one of the best things I remember doing for someone as a teen. I think it would be wonderful to empower the young people to teach them about the elderly. And I'm sure your mom is a treasure of interesting tales and lessons.

I really like the response provided by family needed. Would your Mom be okay using a life alert at night for her safety?
Could you have a combination of life alert, paid caregiver and just staying once a month? Mom would have to understand that by staying in her home, she will have to make some sacrifices, as well as her children. Whatever is decided, changes need to be made for your (all sibling) mental and physical health.
Trying to do the "right thing" is difficult. You need to be concerned about your health, as well.
Best wishes.

There are programs that can help out financially with not only care, but also with things she may need to help her. We have a program here that is called IRIS. Your mother can actually set any or all of you as caregivers. She can also use the funds not only to pay you and your siblings, but also find additional ones to come into the home when you are not able to or just need a break.

If she needs certain things that are not covered by her insurance ...IRIS will help pay for it. I think it is wonderful that your siblings are all helping her. Please do not fight with them. Especially over money. Your mom loves you all and she needs you now.

I think she's using her children.

She can pay to have someone stay overnight with her, with her own finances, if it's that important to her.

This sounds like a 'nice-to-have' rather than a 'need-to-have' - and it has severe consequences for her children, none of which seem to matter to her.

Enough is enough.

I hear you...loud and clear. In a very similar situation myself with mom being 92, in the later stage of vascular dementia, but otherwise relatively healthy. This could go on for years and being 71 myself, I'm not sure how this will end up playing out. Take my advice, be very vocal in expressing your concerns, heed the warnings from others what this will take on your own health and well being and save yourself. It is not "normal" at all to sacrifice the years you have left in an environment that causes you stress, unhappiness and ultimately resentment. You can only do so much before causing irreparable harm. Please, take care.

You have to take care of you first. Caregivers lose 5-8 years off their lives. I have been a 24/7 caregiver for both my parents, so I know the strain you feel. I have done it alone. My sister hasn't even called and didn't come to my father's funeral. You are very blessed your siblings are helping. It is the hardest job I have ever had but definitely the most rewarding! :)

My mom didn't want to lose her home either, but she adjusted quickly and is happy now! She tried to guilt trip me saying I won't make it 2 months which really hurt but after 5-6 times saying it, I said, If the good Lord is ready for you then so am I. She never said it again. It is hard not to take it personal but you to take logical approach. Hugs! Christie

if looking for overnight care givers, I suggest trying the agencies first since that is usually the fastest. Unless you happen to know of an individual with interest and availability, this can turn into a wild goose hunt. The agencies can staff pretty quickly. Agencies such as home instead, visiting angels, or call local senior center for more local agencies. Set the boundary and make the change with your sibs and mother. Dont let it turn into a discussion with no boundary set. good luck.

You are finding out what means to be a caretaker to an old person. So much is needed and expected and their behaviors and needs can be overwhelming and sooner or later will impact the remaining family. Some people can and will be good caretakers but others just can't handle it for long. I see no option when this happens - for the sake of all involved, they must be placed. No caretakers' lives should be so impacted and destroyed.

Time for a change. Check with a home health agency for an overnight sitter. At the very least, you could hire a sitter do "your nights" since this is becoming a difficult burden to you. It might end up better to have mom's resources pay for a sitter for most nights of the week, and rely on "the children" as emergency sitters.

My siblings and I were in the same situation. We did however put an end date in place for reassessing the situation. We gave it 2 months, and that was perfect timing because we were all burnt out by that time.
I sympathize with you. It’s difficult to be the only party who is uncomfortable with the situation.

Is she mobile? Can you take advantage of adult day care a few days per week?

I imagine it’s also hard to try to comply with your moms wishes to stay in her home…that discussion would be difficult even without the opinions of your siblings. Convincing her to move to AL first might be easier. Then, as her dependence increases, the facility would move her through to a higher level of care.

You only have ONE life too….you need to be honest with yourself and your siblings. You need to live your life with no regrets, and only you know how much more, if anything, you have left to give.

Good luck, and God bless you as you walk this path.

OP, I feel your pain. My mom is in her early 90s. She does expect my sister and I who live next door to take care of all of her needs. She does have a 'friend' who is really a paid companion/caregiver - for 2 4 hour shifts a day. She won't tolerate the idea of anyone else, as 'they won't be as nice as she is." My sister is the bully, burned out for sure and angry at the world....but hypersensitive to anything that may imply she has not been a perfect caregiver....
the family dynamics of childhood are back in full force. None of us like to admit that we can't do something. Dad always usually worked 2 jobs (sometimes 3) as we were growing up. The family insistence on not letting others know our business was't healthy then, and is really harmful now. the other 2 adult children visit on occasion and do what they can. but that isn't much.
So I know a family meeting with a bully present is likely to devolve pretty quickly into a mess.
If your mom's funds are insufficient to pay her living expenses, then can she get a reverse mortgage on the house? Or skip paying real estate taxes - a lien attached to the property will have to be paid by her estate, when the house is sold.
Expectations (implied and stated) of who gets what after mom dies are often the root of a lot of conflict, especially when making the choice about paying for mom's care from her funds, or 'giving' the care yourself. It is reasonable to set a limit on what care you can do, and how often.
If one of the other siblings willing to take her in? Is it feasible for you each to take a week at a time...so that there is a 2 week respite between your 'work week'?
My sister and I do a few days at a time...2 is easy, 4 I can manage, 5 is hard, but my sister takes on the same stretches, too. And the break is wonderful.
While my mom is ok at night (her grandson lives on the 2nd floor rent free). she needs assistance 2-3 times daily, including bring her to your home for the dinner hour.
Decide what you can do with a generous heart (for me, 4 days in a row pushes me to be loving..but 5 is pure resentment.) You may end up with siblings who are angry at you but that may be less important to you than having more control over your own life.

Perhaps at this sibling meeting you could bring along your device that you post and read here with. Bring up the post question, pass the device to them, and let them read! Just sit quietly while they hopefully absorb some new ideas.
Best of luck with this!

I so understand and "get" what you are saying and moreover, what you are feeling. I did the exact thing with my mom. Unfortunately, I did what you are doing - and that is giving up and sacrificing YOUR life to accommodate her wishes. Yes, I understand her wishes - just like I understood my mom's wishes - however, it created resentment in me, burn-out, and all of the other negative feelings you may have. I'm not saying to disregard how and what your mom is feeling - what I am saying is create boundaries - your mom needs to realize you all have lives that are separate from her. For the health of your relationship with your mom and you - please start looking into alternative measures for the "spending the night" care - perhaps a recommended caregiver that you all could split the cost. What is happening right now - that did happen to me and my mom - is the creation of a very toxic relationship - my best to you....this is a very hard and long journey!

My sisters and I helped my Mom get a First alert necklace and she pays around 500-525 per year for the service. Peace of mind for her overnight. One push of button and she’s talking to a person if she has emergency. If your Mom is in general good health maybe this path could ease her mind at night

Sorry for your situation. Does she have an emergency alert necklace? We used Bay Alarm. I would call her and stop by after work.
God bless.

Can I ask where is her social security going too? Does she have a pension? These are the factors for you to look at to keep her house if she can't support the house then maybe its time to look for an assisted living space where she can thrive with others. Then visiting would be a joy not a burden.

Is there a will? Is there a power of attorney for all things doing with your mom? I would look into attorney who works with elder people to get everything set up so there is no fighting. But there will be every family has at least one person who will think they didn't get what the others have. Who is executor of her will?

If mom can stay in the daytime alone why does she need someone there at night? What might help is ring cameras so that you can check on her at anytime of the day or night. We have them placed in my BIL's apartment so we can watch him because he has dementia the best thing we did.

Prayers. I would let your siblings read what we have said maybe they will get the idea it might be better to find a place for mother let all of you test out the places where she might want to go.

However you need to work it out, hire a night nurse and let Mom know that that’s how it’s going to be. IF Mom can pay for it, she should. Pool your collective resources and get your lives back! You can’t take care of anyone unless YOU are allright yourself(ves)!

So the children are paying the taxes on the house and the lawn care? It sounds like Mom cannot afford to live in the house.

If she stays by herself 7 days a week during the day requiring you all to spend the night is ridiculous particularly if she does not have a health situation. I would tell your siblings due to your own health situation you can no longer overnight at the house.

You have to take care of your own health first.

Don't know if hope of inheritance is involved here. But frankly you would be paying a mint for what might well turn out to be a pig in a poke. How long will mom live, what will her medical bills come to as she ages? Will there be an inheritance? Meantime your health and family relationships will be hurt. Is it worth it?
IMO inheritance considerations aside, why do you feel you need to cater to her unreasonable demands? Obviously what she needs is assisted living, where there would be "someone there at night." And caring for the house? No one has any obligation to care for bricks and mortar. Can you talk to siblings and from a united front to end this craziness?

OP, what happens if the other two siblings or just the bully one "takes over"? Does that mean they're in the will, getting this "free house"? Is that why mama wants to make you pay her taxes and gardening bills, for "your" investment?