Me and my 2 siblings are caring for our 95-year-old mother and we are all getting burned out. What can I suggest to them without coming across the wrong way?

Why at 70 years old do you still feel you have to do whatever your mom says? It is time to meet with your sibling and discuss how this is not working out. How do your spouses feel about all of this?

Wait, I just read you were paying your mom's bills. Holy cow...stop that right now. If she can't afford her lifestyle then she needs to change, not you. You and your siblings need to have a come to Jesus discussion with your mom. What happens when you deplete your funds taking care of mom? Who are you expecting will then take care of you?

Yes you are entitled to a decent retirement full of doing what you want to do. Please have a discussion with your siblings and find a way to go back to being your mom's children and not a caregiver.

You mention you love your mother; we read these statements here all the time. What about your mother loving YOU and the rest of your 70-something year old siblings? You're all supposed to break your backs & your bank accounts too so that she can 'age in place' in her own home, that she cannot afford, and that she's scared to sleep in alone. With no thought to how it's affecting her children? Where's HER love for YOU, I wonder? That is the question that immediately pops into my mind when I read stories like this. As if it's a one way street: we love our parents and therefore, have to sacrifice our lives in retirement to make THEM happy and ourselves miserable b/c they expect it?

That's a bunch of nonsense, truthfully. A loving parent would not expect her 70-something year old children to spend every night with her in her home and pay her maintenance expenses, unless she had advanced dementia.

It's time for a sit down meeting between you siblings to discuss the next steps for mother's care & management, which does NOT include spending ANY MORE nights at her home. If your siblings disagree, then THEY can spend 7 nights a week at her place b/c you officially resign your post as of now.

That's my suggestion. There is in-home help to hire, or Assisted Living to go into once that big house is sold to finance her life in AL. She can't afford to live in that home anymore, and you all can't afford to die young pandering to her unreasonable desire to.

Best of luck.

I moved in with my 91 and 89 years old parents after mom's stroke 6 weeks ago. Dad is bedridden with Parkinson's. After I realized mom is not going to get back to being able to care for dad, I told them this is not something I can continue to do, I need to move back into my own home and return to work. They don't like it, and dont want to pay for in home care, but I did have to force the issue. I remember hearing "you can't tell others what to do, but you can tell them what you will and will not do" That has helped, and they realized hiring in home care part of the day is the most inexpensive option. It is hard to feel you are disappointing or failing your parent, but some expectations are unreasonable.
Also look into possible sources of funding, Medicaid, medicare, spouse of vet, etc.

Is it normal, you ask. Is it right, you ask Is it wrong, you ask.
The truth is that our answers to those questions don't matter. What matters is that you have attempted together to work on this for a long long time. We ALL have limitations.
You just met YOURS. Limitations, that is. You have felt all the strain, all the worry, all the WANTING what is rightfully yours ( quality time in these years when you can STILL ENJOY IT).
I understand you love your Mom. You and your siblings have proven THAT certainly, right? She is 95. She has thrived under your care.
BUT, you are reaching the limits of what you can do and still have a life of your own. You have a right to that life. Your Mom has HAD HER LIFE, and indeed a good DEAL of it in years. And she has had an enormous helping of love.
It would be my hope that your Mom were capable of looking, of thinking, and of seeing all of this, and would say to you three what is the TRUTH. "I don't want to leave my home. I don't want to go into care. BUT I cannot conscience doing what I am now doing to you. You have been wonderful. I can't say I won't weep and mourn what losses I have had, but old age is a time of loss. Guess if I am gonna keep living I should let you have some lives of your own, as well. Let's look into placement options."
OK. There. That's said. But SHE didn't say it, and likely she won't. She will figure she is likely to go any day now, and surely you kids are fine with how it is going, because you haven't told her you are NOT fine with it. And therein lies the problem. You haven't been honest with one another or with Mom, and you need to be.
You feel you will be the bad guy? Fine. Then own that, as another responder on AgingCare recently said. OWN IT. Tell your siblings first: "Sorry guys. I not only CANNOT, but I WILL NOT go on any longer. I need to preserve my own health. I am worrying about my health. I need to travel a bit now while I am well and can do it. I need my time to myself. I can't know how you all feel, but this is where I am. I can't go on. I feel we need to speak to Mom. We KNOW what she WANTS. But the fact is that life isn't about what we "want" because for me, this isn't what I want, what I need. I need to be out now. We need to decide, will you two wish to go on alone without me? Or are we united in knowing it is now time to tell Mom that she needs to go into care."
Then it is the harder issue still of speaking with Mom. People expect of us what we DO. They think we do it willingly and because we want to because we don't complain. You will be giving her a shock. She will mourn. Perhaps cry. Perhaps rage. Is all of this loss we experience in life, in aging, not worth mourning? Let her mourn it and cry with her.
And then get on with the third hard step of helping Mom with assets, with where she can get quality care. She may surprise you by loving it. She may not.
So there's my advice. Chew on it a while. Discuss with family and friends outside the circle of care.
Only you can make this choice. My best out to you; kudos for all you have done. I hope you'll update us.

Family meeting time.

ALL get to have a say. Be listened to - without judgement or being bullied.

Everyone gets to say how much they can offer in terms of time, physical assistance etc. It does NOT need to match.

You are all adults with separate lives, families, health issues & temperaments. Therefore what you offer on terms of help for Mom will differ.

Regarding Mom's request (reads like a demand imho)...

"she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night".

Frankly my Dear, the answer to that is NO.

Reason being your adult children (seniors themselves!!) are not you servants-on-call.

Now Mom won't LIKE that. So be it. High time she adjusted to life after a hip replacement. That means ACCEPTING help. Family help & NON-family help.

What family have done here is given a wonderful lavish expensive gift of 3 years!!!!

That gift has now been spent.

Get that family meeting happening!

I suppose as long as you enable her to have the lifestyle she desires, you won't have the one you desire.

There's nothing like Momma to make everyone fall in line like kids again, but it doesn't have to be like that. You won't change her, so you have to change you.

So the children are paying the taxes on the house and the lawn care? It sounds like Mom cannot afford to live in the house.

If she stays by herself 7 days a week during the day requiring you all to spend the night is ridiculous particularly if she does not have a health situation. I would tell your siblings due to your own health situation you can no longer overnight at the house.

You have to take care of your own health first.

Your mom is 95. Sooner or later, she is going to have an "event" that will necessitate more care. What is her plan for that eventuality?

It is unreasonable and unsustainable for you all to be paying mom's expenses and staying overnight, unless you all are independently wealthy.

Have a meeting, vitual or otherwise with the siblings and state simply that you can no longer contribute money or time to propping up mom. It's time for mom to pay her own way and for a new plan tto be developed that works for all of you. Just because mom " indicates" "prefers" that she stay in her home does not obligate you to make that happen. Caregiving has to work for both parties.

That being said, I recently spoke to an old friend whose MIL just passed away. She had 5 kids; she lived alone in subsidized housing and was suffering from dementia. Those 5 kids, their spouses and some of the grandkids developed a rota to make sure the elder was not alone in the evening or overnight. I don't think she expected that or demanded it, but they were able to make it work, in part because there were a lot of them, they are in their 60s and because the situation lasted less than a year.

3 years is too long an imposition.

My suggestion would be to stop! NO, I’m not going to do my shift. NO, I not going to pay those bills. That is the quickest way to get this problem right up there on the agenda. Unless you STOP, it’s just a ‘discussion’. No-one involved will need to take it seriously, including the sibling who wants to be in control of it all. Stop worrying about it 'coming across the wrong way', just make it happen.

My mother (turning 100 next month) has lived with my wife and I the last three years. We took care of my wife's parents, we took care of my father, took care of cleaning out, selling their house, getting their finances in order. Why? I have no idea. We loved them? But my wife has had it. I'm in my mid 70's, she's a little younger. She'd like our life back, just her and I. I have no idea how to make this happen. Mom says she wants to die at home, but is in good health. She could live to 107, 108? Probably outlive me. I tell other people, you have to do what you can and don't do what you can't. But it's a slippery slope. Sometimes you spend a lot of energy looking for reciprocity. It seems like old age comes with a kind of accidental self involvement. It's very hard for very old people to think of anything but themselves. They will casually eat up all your time and want more. You end up feeling like Bre'r Rabbit and the Tarbaby. The more you try to get your life back, the less of it there is. Luckily (I think), your siblings are helping. Sometimes, even that ends up like a competition. I don't know how to tell you to harden your heart. Assisted living and the very elderly are not great matches. Can she afford to bring someone in a couple nights a week, so that you all get more time to yourselves?