My sister has Durable POA, Medical POA (I'm second). Per her request and recommendation of her doctor, Mom was moved to AL about 30 days ago. Did not want to live with any of her 7 children. She is not adjusting well, making an ungodly number of phone calls, wants to go home but she can't live by herself anymore. Tonight, one brother told her he would come and get her tomorrow and move her into his house. He and his wife both work, there will be no one there and the only thing that will change is her physical location, minus all that the AL facility is doing for her. Can he legally just do this?
Do any of her children live close to her AL? Maybe visits will help...and probing questions - such as why she's unhappy there and what can be done to help ease her adjustment? And, before making a decision on her moving in with her son, it may be more beneficial to do this in steps to assess how it's working out - maybe your mom can stay with him for an extended weekend or so first - and try that for a bit - in the end, she may decide that she'd prefer where she currently is - or not!
And if she does chose to move out of the AL and into your brother's home, it's beneficial for all the siblings to discuss how to support your mom and her options while they're at work during the day - perhaps adult day care of someone checking in on her, etc.
The positive part is it doesn't seem like it needs to be a rushed decision...and fortunately your brother has really been a support - there are so many families where that isn't the case and some siblings bolt when it comes to providing any help at all - and ultimately, the full responsibility is just on one sole sibling - which is my case - and it's a terrible place to be. Thankfully, there are options in your case and it sounds like a strong family unit.
If he and his wife are working, WHO will be caring for mom during the workday? She's already falling and having toileting issues. Other post from OP says he rarely even visited mom before this - why the sudden "change of heart", if it even is real?
Until Mom is still anxious alone, still wants to go home, Brother & Wife are at work & then seem to have no privacy, no more holidays.
Calls to the OP start. Can you just.. this one time... I need you to take a turn.. why can't you take her for a while...
Of course, this is just ONE very judgemental scenario (based on own experience & others).
Happy ending exist too don't they??
Adults who have children, spouses and financial obligations need to tend to THOSE obligations before they cater to the wants (not needs) of their parents who have had a lifetime to plan for their old age.
This along with the "notes" your sister saw - IS this a real offer or is it just a way to placate her when she was upset, to get her off the phone? When my mother asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home, I had to fudge and say it's late, maybe tomorrow. This satisfied her at the moment and was promptly forgotten. Of course I wasn't going to take her, her mother had been gone 40+ years by then! Notes - yes, mom would hang onto notes she wrote, staff wrote, I wrote and ruffle through them, sometimes months later. We'd try to remove them when she wasn't looking, as they weren't relevant.
IS her facility just AL or is it MC?
Legally neither of you have much say really, unless the POA has specific wording. DPOAs and MPOAs are legal documents which facilitate managing a person's affairs, such as finances, bill paying, signing documents, etc, as well as enabling you to be involved in mom's medical care. As for "power" over a person and/or where they live, generally no. POAs are NOT going to help out there. Even staff told me they can't force anyone to do anything they refuse to do, medical care, medications, bathing, etc. They have to work with them to coax them into thinking it's their idea!
Even going for guardianship, many courts want to let the person retain as much independence as possible, so sometimes you can't even get full guardianship (depends on how much care THEY deem the person needs.) I suspect my mother wouldn't have even passed the sniff test (too early in dementia) to get guardianship, but we didn't go that route as the facility chosen wouldn't accept a "committal."
You and we really need more input - can ALL the kiddos get together and discuss? Perhaps he doesn't intend to take her in. If he does, has he any clue what he's in for?
Both my brothers on finding out how much MC cost said "for that kind of money" they'd take her in! CLUELESS the two were! OB isn't local. He came up a couple of times to help with the condo (a FEW times vs my 2.75 YEARS!) and on the last trip I sent him to visit with her. When I suggested another visit, given that once he went home he wouldn't likely get back to visit much, he REFUSED to go, saying he didn't know what to do with her. THIS was a man who was going to take her home, 2 days drive away, and have her live with him, but couldn't even take a short visit!!!
It would be best to find out the details. Is he really planning to do this? What does he have in place to care for her while they are working? If he isn't planning, then a meeting with staff to get her more involved in activities would be recommended. I didn't set mom up with a phone in her room as she wasn't really capable of using it or hearing well on it and ALL calls would be like your mother's. I didn't want her sitting in her room all the time. Staff had many activities to keep residents occupied and busy. One month really isn't long enough for her to "acclimate." I'd also be concerned if she's in just AL, not MC. They don't really keep AL residents "busy", as most just need physical assistance, not dementia care. They also aren't going to watch over her all day and she could just walk out at any time!
It can take a number of weeks or even months for someone to settle - and they are not going to do so if an and out of facilities. However if your brother (and his wife - I hope he has asked her) are able to provide a safe and stimulating home for your mother then why not let him have a go at doing so. I suspect she will be back in a facility within 6 months but maybe he can provide what she needs and make her happier.