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My sister has Durable POA, Medical POA (I'm second). Per her request and recommendation of her doctor, Mom was moved to AL about 30 days ago. Did not want to live with any of her 7 children. She is not adjusting well, making an ungodly number of phone calls, wants to go home but she can't live by herself anymore. Tonight, one brother told her he would come and get her tomorrow and move her into his house. He and his wife both work, there will be no one there and the only thing that will change is her physical location, minus all that the AL facility is doing for her. Can he legally just do this?

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I knew my mom would need assistance in assisted living….so I introduced her to a friend who was willing to visit her, take her for mani/pedi and out for shopping or lunch. When this friend got a full time job and had to stop, I looked for another “friend”. I did not tell mom that the friend was getting paid or mom would fire her. This friend was someone I found (prayerfully) by going to a nursing site on facebook and contacting the administrator. I also considered contacting a local nursing school. It has been wonderful. Mom has 1 person (agencies could not guarantee the same person every time) and I pay her directly. I was with her for the first introduction and she stopped by the next day during lunch and joined mom in the dining hall. She has been invaluable because she concentrated on making friends with mom (talking about nursing - mom was a nurse) and things that ladies talk about. She has been wonderful because mom doesn't tell me everything the way she tells the friend. I also have a Alexa show 8 so I can drop in and talk to mom. Seeing her face is helpful. I use it to put calendar events on it like when meals are served and if there is something mom might like ( happy hour and music). Mom looks at the calendar all the time and is very comfortable. NOW, this is what I think she thinks about me living with her: I kept her on a schedule with meals and meds, I prepared her food because she didn’t do a good job and it tasted bad so she didn’t eat it, I kept the house a good temperature and she wanted it hot. This place is wonderful because she isn’t arguing with me and she gets to set her own schedule. I keep a small panty for her (nuts, apricots, ensure, energy bars). It took 2.5 months for mom to began to walk around the facility and now at 10 months, this is her home and she goes to movies in the evening in-house and enjoys her tablemates. The “friend” is wonderful and gets with mom at least weekly but I let them arrange it according to mom’s schedule or her schedule. What is wonderful is that this lady has a business license after she retired. She bills me through her business and because she is a RN, she evaluates mom as needed and is her advocate. My suggestion: get your mom a friend, it made a world of difference for my mom and my mom is a painful introvert who does not make friends easily.
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NastyMom Sep 2021
Genius! A brilliant idea.
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Well, since the brother won't communicate with me or my sis with the POA, we are guessing that he figured out he couldn't handle Mom's needs at his home. The next tactic he has taken is to blame my POA sis with putting her in assisted living so Mom is now attacking her. We are at the point if he wants to move her home, have at it, but we will not be assisting him. It seems harsh but don't know what else to do. I have heard it takes 3-6 months for residents to adjust to their new surroundings?? Really don't want to start over with this process for Mom. Thanks for all the responses, it helps to know there are others trying to muddle through this stage of life too!
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JoAnn29 Sep 2021
I am with you. Let him do what he wants but with no help from you. He will find out what caring for someone 24/7 means. And unless he is an exceptional man, he will not like doing the caring. If he has a wife, I hope she knows what she is letting herself in for.
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This is to the Editor of Aging Care:

People are using too many abbreviatons in their Q&A. Sometimes it takes me
5 minutes to understand what they mean. Not everyone of your readers is
familiar with this sort of texting.

Solution: Post some sort of chart at the beginningof each Q&A that explains what the most commonly used abbreviations mean.
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Cover99 Sep 2021
Lol it does take some getting used to.
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If your Mom is mentally competent, yes, she can make the decision to move in with her son. Whether this is a wise decision or not isn't really the question; only her competency to make her own decision matters in this matter. A DPOA acts for a person in the persons behalf as the person directs the activity if the person is competent, and acts for a person who is diagnosed as incompetent in what the POA believes is the "best interest". So this comes down to competency question pure and simple.
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earlybird Sep 2021
I just love seeing your posts, Alvadeer!
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Unless your mom has been deemed incompetent in a court of law, she can do whatever she wants.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2021
Sure she can, but would you want her to? If she has dementia and is at risk but hasn't been to court, do you just let her do whatever? THAT would be irresponsible.

My mother was NEVER Dxed by a doc and we NEVER went to court to have her deemed incompetent. However it was NOT NOT NOT NOT EVER safe to leave her to her own devices.
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The sister with DPoA is the one who gets to legally make this decision, which would need to be in your mom's best interests. "Durable" usually means it doesn't require a formal diagnosis of incapacity. Sister should check the language in her PoA paperwork to confirm this.

What does your sister the DPoA think about moving her? If she is authorizing it, then it stands. If I were in you shoes I'd make it clear that I'm not coming to help with Mom at all. Vote with your actions. They'll find out soon enough that it was a mistake.

I do agree with BarbBrooklyn who suggested that unless you hear this news directly from your sister or brother, it may be imagined by your mom, notes or no notes.
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gladimhere Sep 2021
My mom's DPOA did require determination of incapacity as determined by two doctors. And the doctor could not be dermatologist which ts2 tried to pull. 😅😃
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If your brother is moving her in, is he providng her a health care nurse or help while he is not there? What about vacations? She may need 24 hour care. It does take time for people to get comfortable in new surroundings, especially if dementia is present (even just the starting of it). My dad had to be moved from independent living (which provided meals so it was great) to a nursing home after a fall and rehab. He kept saying he wanted to go home, and my sisters just thought he hated his new place. What they didnt want to hear or research is that home is in the head and heart, not a specific place. He has memory issues and dementia has gotten alot worse this past year due to Covid-19. I am his POA and when I asked for help finding a different place neither helped, so they had their chance. They blame me for his condition and we no longer speak unless it is me updating them on anything medical with my dad. Sad this divides families, but I can't deal with them bashing me with every thing I do for my dad. His care comes first.
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Crystal ball tells me Brother scoops Mom up & takes her home. Smiles all round. Until...

Until Mom is still anxious alone, still wants to go home, Brother & Wife are at work & then seem to have no privacy, no more holidays.

Calls to the OP start. Can you just.. this one time... I need you to take a turn.. why can't you take her for a while...

Of course, this is just ONE very judgemental scenario (based on own experience & others).

Happy ending exist too don't they??
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Redeyedmd Sep 2021
Defiantly all of the above scenarios!
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Maybe you could set up a meeting with the director of nursing at the AL and have brother and sister present. Explain how your mom is having difficulty adjusting. I think having a third party professional present to explain how adjustments for new residents is and how long it can take might simmer brother down.
when a parent moves there is always a 3-6 month adjustment period. My dad refused to leave his room for activities at first but finally adjusted and loved going to bingo. Many times to stop the whining, tears and fighting a sibling will just capitulate and think it’s the path of least resistance to move them out. They are thinking with the heart and not the head. Please don’t let him move her. Schedule the meeting route first.
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Sarah3 Sep 2021
This sounds like it would basically amount to an attempt to coerce her to stay. Unless she’s been deemed incompetent which is assumed by most people here she hasn’t then any attempt to coerce, bribe, force her to stay is a violation of her rights and would be just cause to have social services called.
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If your mom willingly moved in, she can willingly move out.

POA only has the ability to intervene if the grantor is declared incompetent. This could be by 2 doctors, stated in the POA or it would need to be through the courts. Taking away anyone's autonomy is serious business and you have to read the documents carefully to understand what authority really exists.

If she wants to go and they want to have her, help them insure her safety, maybe hiring companion sitters while they are at work, maybe getting a housekeeper or a in home chef to prepare meals.

There are ways to make this work if all parties, your mom, brother and his spouse in this case, are willing.

From my personal experience some doctors are way to quick to pull the facility trigger.
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Sarah3 Sep 2021
I agree and believe the reason is that in many of these cases there are kickbacks in one form or another involved
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