Sibling rivalry? How do I handle this?

The unacknowledged fact in all this is that the generation now of retirement age and older did NOT save money for their own old age. They prided themselves on giving their children ‘a better start’ than themselves, and that included leaving them with an inheritance to be grateful for. And in the economic circumstances of the 1950s and 60s, they were doing the best ever financially and that was quite realistic.

That generation’s experience was of a much shorter average length of life. Men older than they were retired at 65 and often only lived another couple of years. Even when life expectancy increased, the diet together with fewer medications gave the 1950s and 60s a rash of common unexpected heart attack deaths. There was almost no expectation of living to age 95 and requiring around the clock personal care 24/7/365.

People of that age who spent the money on their own retirement, did it with a trip around the world. The older American tourist was everywhere when I was in my 20s in Europe. Saving money for a nursing home was NOT their expectation. It’s a huge change in attitude, and not everyone (including their own children) has caught up with it. We probably need more understanding for those who don’t understand how the world has changed.

Buy a different house as needed and within reason. Do not spend time worrying about your sister. Money saved for old age is meant to be SPENT on old age not as an inheritance if not enough was saved to do both. My moms money is being quickly spent for assisted living. She had hoped my brother and I would get it..nope..mom needs good care and we are making sure that happens. We are happy she saved enough for a lovely place.

Do the research and find a home that works for your situation. Money from seniors is not really about leaving an inheritance - getting money that others have earned - but about financing the health of the seniors. Have a plan for when those senior ladies pass away since their portions of the home might be considered inheritable. You would hate to have to sell your home just to be able to pay out an inheritance to other relatives. Please consider talking to a local lawyer that handles estate law and/or elder law.

LizinPa: Imho, you should retain an elder law attorney as you may require one for a future Medicaid application if the time comes.

Money changes a lot of things, and it’s hard to admit it. My wealthy BIL died at 79, leaving a lot of money that changed several people’s lives. If an inheritance has been something expected in your sister’s own future plans, it can be a genuine worry for her to realise that it may not happen. It makes more sense to acknowledge it, sympathise, and get involved in joint discussions that don’t rely on everyone pretending that it doesn’t matter.

I’m still a bit bruised from a recent experience where an ex-friend was forcing a marriage break-up which included her getting the lion’s share of all the assets plus sole custody of the child, with lots of very nasty game playing. After 8 months of this (which came out of the blue, amazing everyone who knew them both), husband age 50 was killed in a road accident and she inherited the lot. She turned tail, said she had always loved him, and demanded sympathy from all the people who had stopped talking to her. It was hard to know whether to commiserate for ‘her loss’ or to congratulate for the win. It certainly rubbed in that when and where death happens can make a huge difference to survivors. Pretending otherwise doesn’t really help.

You have all provided invaluable help. I can't thank each of you enough!!

What about taking a salary from your mom and her sister for their care instead of having them own part of the upsized house, which could get really complicated? You could use part of the money for the upsize and save the rest to help you in the future when they are gone. I think an elder care attorney could help you with deciding how to do this and it's worth the expense to know everything is correct.

Next time she mentions inheritance, tell her it's not an inheritance unless mom is dead. While she's alive, it is money to provide care for her and that would include a house to accommodate the people taking care of TWO elderly people.

Don't be hurt. It probably wasnt meant to hurt you -- she just happened to say what her brain thinks. If mom spends too much on getting care while alive, there will be less to divide up when mom passes. People with that mindset seem to want elders to be on a limited budget to make sure they get a good cut at probate time. Pitiful.

The other thing to consider is - if you need help from two people to finance a bigger house, what are you going to do if they have to go to facility or if they pass while living with you. How are you going to manage the mortgage?

If they put a considerable amount down on the house with you, you will probably need to have deed with 3 owners. Otherwise, if you need Medicaid in the next 5 years, that money is a 'gift' to you and penalty will delay when payments start to the nursing home.

Don't worry about it. Let her know she's welcome to change places with you if she wants and be the Caregiver and let them both live with her.

Merely have a family meeting, including your sister about how much each will contribute ( yes your sister should contribute as you are taking care of your mom while contributes nothing ).

As far as the inheritance is concerned just inform her that she is expected to contribute to the finances or she can spend the inheritance on the cost of living in an old folks home.

Put everything in writing.

From your profile: " My mom has Parkinson's and is in severe decline. I now have to move her into my home for care. I will not put her in a facility of any kind."

Is there money for 24-hour care for 2 people if it becomes necessary?

It is an Inheritance AFTER someone has died.
Before death it is money that is to be used for their care.
Before you begin looking to upsize keep in mind that this will benefit YOU in the long run. If there is a chance that anyone of the persons you are caring for will have to apply for Medicaid any money that goes to buy a house will probably be counted as a "gift" and will either have to be paid back or will delay the acceptance for Medicaid.

My first response was: do you know what you are signing up for, taking care of 2 elderly people when most find the care of one almost overwhelming?

That lien will be equal to the amount that Medicaid spends on mom's care. And if mom contributes to the purchase of the home that could be considered gifting and make her ineligible for Medicaid for a period of time. A penalty will be assessed equal to the gift amount. So if mom contributes 120K to the purchase of the house, then she has a stroke and needs a 10K/month nursing home mom would be ineligible for Medicaid for one year until penalty is paid back. Or someone may be able to pay the penalty out of their pocket.

And Pennsylvania has some strange filial responsibility laws.

https://www.paelderlaw.net/pennsylvanias-filial-support-law-children-can-be-held-responsible-for-parents-unpaid-nursing-home-bill/

I guess ur the 54 year old not Mom.

You need to be careful. If Medicaid ever is needed, not smart owning a house with someone who is on Medicaid. Their portion can produce a lean on the house at their passing. You can live there but if u sell, the lean/s will need to be satisfied.

I would be very very careful about this purchase. There is such a person as a Medicaid Planner, so maybe see if you have one in your area to consult, as well as an elder law/estate planner. These consults would be a wise investment that could save you from a future catastrophe.

Liz, just make sure you visit a well-qualified, CERTIFIED elder care attorney before you co-mingle your money, mom's and aunt's.

You need to look ahead down the road to when Medicsid funds might be needed. And at 10-12 K per month for NH care, EVERYONE except the generational wealthy needs to be keeping Medicaid in mind.

Sweetly point out to your sister that Mom's money is hers to do with as she pleases and is not an inheritance until she's dead. You could also toss in that as time goes on, a lot more of that money is going to be spent on her expenses before she's gone.

Too many people don't seem to realize that all that money Grandma and Grandpa have saved for their retirement is FOR THEIR RETIREMENT. That includes fun stuff like traveling as well as not-so-fun stuff like nursing homes and Depends.

Funny how that works -- a person's money is their own until it isn't. Sis is really tacky to even bring that up. Feel free to tell her. :-)