Should a widow's will include all adult children, no matter how much, or little, they saw her since the other parent died?

I am a firm believer in getting paid for the work you do not waiting for an inheritance, the reality is that even with the best of intentions you may not be able to care for your mother until the end and even 1 year in a nursing home could use up all her assets. It is too late to go back to the time you began caregiving, but going forward have your mother pay you for your care, get a contract drawn up so that it is all legal and proper.

Your mother has the right to will the home to whoever she wants. The only "should" is that your mother should make the choice.

You have done well in respecting your parents' wishes. This required you to make a choice, to which your siblings expressed their opposition, and sacrifice your employment prospects and earning power in order to keep your parents at home and now to continue taking care of your mother in her home.

You do have to recognise that this was and is your choice. You could have chosen otherwise, followed your siblings' example, prioritised your own financial wellbeing and let your parents make whatever arrangements best suited them without your input.

As your mother is not too mentally impaired to be able to make her will, she should do that as soon as possible. You should find a well qualified, experienced and reputable attorney to assist her, preferably one who will also advise her on sensible planning for the rest of her life as well.

If you then want the will and any other instructions she wishes to make to go smoothly and be uncontested, you may have NO input into the discussions. If you offer opinions or make any kind of case for yourself, your siblings will be able with some justification to claim that you exerted undue influence on your mother and you will have a potential legal sh*tstorm on your hands if they choose to pursue it.

Your post and its headline speak volumes as to your feelings, with which I can sympathise. My mother's will divided her estate equally between her four children, minus small bequests to grandchildren and charities; whereas her caregiving in the years before her death was anything but equally shared and left me broke, alone and somewhat traumatised. It's not fair! Poor me! But a will is not a list of lifetime achievement awards, it is the free disposition of her estate by the testator; and the sooner you reconcile yourself to that the sooner you will be able to put it behind you and make the best plans for your own future that you can.

Mind you... what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Your mother should not, either, feel under any obligation to keep the shares equal if that doesn't seem right to her. It's a question of making sure that she is advised and supported to, as Garden Artist puts it so succinctly, do as she pleases.

It is up to your mother.

Is mother aware of the promise your dad made to you? How does she feel about her will?

This is a trick question and requires a legal answer, concerning those who would expect to inherit and challenge the will. imo.

Hmm
After my aunt passed and my uncle saw how much one daughter did for him in his final years, he wanted to change their estate plan to leave the house to the caregiver daughter
Problem was that the trust had been set up by both aunt and uncle and he couldn't change it on his own
Both daughters inherited equally according to the original trust

Although it was pre-dementia, the lawyer that drew up mom's documents would not even let me make the appointment for her as to be sure she was acting of her own free will

In my state, a caregiver can be paid in arrears, then naturally going forward. Wonder if a contract could be drawn up that at time of death caregiver receives all back pay off the top of the estate. Then many times, I imagine, could be the house.

Two ideas, but in my case, twisted sister beneficiaries, would not have cared for either option. It would have effected their inheritance which is what started problems with payment in the first place.

"If it isn't in writing, it didn't happen." Didn't your father know that?

I'm sorry; definitely doesn't seem fair to you. Is your mother still legally competent? I'd definitely have a little chat with her. Point out what your father said. If she doesn't see your point, then, really, consider how much more effort you want to put into mother-care. Can she stay in her home and hire out care? Can you move somewhere else? I know it's hard after 6 years, but you have to look to your own future, also.

When did your father die? (How long have  you known that he didn't put his desire re the house onto paper?)

"A will is not a list of lifetime achievement awards." Well said, CM!

And I strongly agree with cwillie, about caregivers "getting paid for the work they do not waiting for an inheritance." Parents should be given the dignity of paying their own way, to the extent that is possible. And this eliminates the hard feelings over the will.

If there is virtually nothing available to pay the caregiver as time goes on, then the "payment" could be deferred until after death, and clearly stated in the will. I think this is far less satisfactory than payment all along, because there really is no way to know exactly what will be available at the time the parent dies.

BTW, I was just reading a little about the previous expectation of one child staying in the family home to help parents as they age. Often the youngest daughter had this role, but in some cultures it was a son. The other children were free to make lives for themselves. The one who stayed at home kept the home, since he or she did not have the opportunity to make a home of their own. This was simply taken for granted by the whole culture.

Jeanne Interesting. In my mother's family, my uncle stayed home with his parents. He worked full time but also took care of the house and as his parents aged, cooked and shopped, gardened and drove them around. When my grandparents died, uncle stayed in the house. It remained the family holiday gathering place but the three sisters provided all the food. The sisters were angry that uncle didn't distribute some of the household items. But then, although he was the youngest, he died first and the goodies were got. As sole caregiver for my mother, I'm not surprised at his early demise.