My mom lives with us and has short-term memory. We're moving in 3-4 months and we haven't told her. Should we be honest and tell her or keep it quiet until the last minute?

As she knows (or knew) that you home was for sale, that may be a good way to start the discussion with her. I agree with those who have said they would let her know. I wouldn't overwhelm her with details.

I'd start by mentioning that your home is for sale and talk about the uncertainty of knowing when, or whether, it will sell - as a change you are experiencing that causes you mixed feelings. She may clam up, or she may tell you how she really feels about your selling your home. That will allow her memory to come and go on the sale and what it may mean to her, personally.

As you are within a few weeks of moving out, consider sharing what a relief it will be for you to live in your new home with her without clutter. If she is physically up to it, give her a box to pack anything she thinks needs to pack, even if she doesn't pack the box securely. Let her know that you will secure the box once she has everything in it that she wants to take and has written her name on it with a marker.

While she is packing her box, you could pack another box for yourself and place it alongside her box. Write your name on your box as well.

Keep those boxes in her line of vision (in her bedroom if you can safely do that, otherwise another room.) Use the visual of the boxes with both your names (and, maybe your new address, too?) as a conversation starter and memory jogger leading up to move-out day.

It won't be perfect, but may help her to focus and release her feelings, etc. It still will be hard for her. (Moving is emotionally difficult for me, always. I can't imagine moving at your Mom's age.)

Even if she remembers bits and pieces, that will be better for her than totally new surroundings, move-out and move-in day shock. Additionally, if you tell her nothing and then surprise her, what she may retain even if unspoken is a lack of trust in you. She may wonder what you will do next without telling her and become angry in inappropriate ways. If she already said something to her grandchild about the sale of the house and got the reply that she did, her unspoken anxiety may already be in high gear. She might erroneously think that the reason she is not being told is because the move is about her and getting rid of her.

Some special closure activity with her granddaughter would be nice, though difficult. Make it something festive a week before. Sunday brunch, maybe, with the little children's hand-made gifts and happy moving cards, maybe? If you think it is a good idea, you might suggest to your Mom that it would be nice of her if she wishes to purchase a $40 or $50 calling card as a gift for her granddaughter to encourage the little children to call her often. Gives her something to look forward to and something to share with her grandchild as she moves away.

Hope all goes as smoothly as possible with your move. Any major event while one is a caregiver to an older adult is a real life challenge. You'll be emotionally exhausted. Hugs.

Hey PT,

Get excited about it and include her in the plans. She's a big part of moving and might LOVE to be included even if she forgets about it 2 minutes later.

There's no refusing to move... Mom! You think we'd leave without you!?! omg!

The above references to letting her know and it becomes an exciting event to look forward to worked with my mom. rip

lovbob

My mother also has short term memory problems and I have found it works best not to tell her anything until I have too. I found if I told her she was going somewhere (doctor, visit with another child etc) she would get very anxious and ask me repeatly where she was going. So now I tell her right before so she doesn't have time to fret and work herself into a state. Hope this helps

If it were my mom and she began asking grandkids about moving, for sale signs and boxes - I'd tell her and be sure to tell her that she's going WITH YOU. If she's still sharp enough to put these details together, she's sharp enough to understand - and fear - that she'll be left behind. If she refuses tell her how disappointed you'll be not to have her with you, that you enjoy her and want her to share your new home. Tell her about anything she'll enjoy in the new home - the yard, gardening, her new room and bathroom - anything that will make it attractive. If she's worried about grandkids tell her they'll visit often. Transitions on folks her age are hard so I wish you and her the best.

When you're ready, I would let her know you are all moving. Tell her it's not safe for her to live alone anymore. If she wants to know when, tell her not until after you sell the house, if she asks again tell her the house isn't sold yet. once you have a date, write moving day on the calendar and mark off the days as they go. If she asks when we're moving pull out the calendar. If she's like my mom, on her good days she'll remember and ask questions and on her bad ones it won't matter. she will just frustrate you and then she'll just forget. So hang in there and try to stop worrying, do what makes you comfortable.

Yes, it does help. She was with my niece yesterday and Mom told her she knows our house is for sale and we're moving to NC or SC. My niece told her she doesn't know anything. We do have boxes laying around, but tell her we haven't put them in the attic yet from Christmas. So she hasn't come out and actually "ask" us if we're moving.

Pricetag, With my mother-in-law who can't remember any NEW information for more than 5 minutes, not telling her about doctor appts early makes sense. But when you're talking about moving her out of state, then yes I would start telling her. If you start now, and talk about it everyday, then eventually it will become older information and if her dementia is anything like my mil, then she just might remember it. You'll have to constantly repeat yourself about your move to her, but I think it will be worth it.

I would start telling her now. It is going to be hard. She will be upset either way. But the more you tell her the more she might remember. We took mom on vacation and every 5 min she was trying to walk home. She thought it was right across the street. I hope you have better luck with the move than we had on vacation. Good luck.

I guess I'm afraid she'll give us problems about "refusing" to move. We'll be only several hours away from my brother, as well as her grandson. We presently live in Florida, so in Greenville SC we'll have seasonal changes. We're originally from Maryland. I moved her down in Florida 18 years ago. We moved her out of her apt in March and took her car away -- all approved by my sister(lives in Colorado) and brother(lives in Atlanta). Of course Mom was very mad and upset.

I'm afraid the house will never sell down her in Florida, but we'll turn the page to a new life in SC. Appreciate all of the comments and probably will in a month or so, sit her down and inform her of us relocating. She'll miss her granddaughter and great grandchildren so much, because she is very close to them, but we do have skype.. I just don't want to fight with her if she tells me "she refuses to move", even though she has no option.