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My mother is diagnosed with dementia but is one of the higher functioning in her current memory care facility. She is unhappy with this facility. She is in California near my sisters but says she wants to move back to Oregon where she had spent the previous 25 years. There are practical reasons to have her near my sisters, one of whom is a nurse and handles taking her to doctor's appointments and the like. If she goes back to Oregon it would be a 2 hour drive from where I live and not practical for helping her or being able to take her out as frequently as my sisters are currently able to do.


I want her to be happy, but she would still be in a memory care facility in Oregon with less frequent visits from family. I wonder if she is just frustrated with her situation and going to all the trouble and expense of moving her could end up just bringing her back to the same place of not living the free independent life she once knew.

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You need to do what works best for you and your sisters as caregivers. Sadly, being in MC in Oregon won't help her feel better if she still doesn't know anyone or dislikes her surroundings. My husband's aunt just decided that after being moved via medical transport to Oregon to be near her daughter that she wanted to go back home to Hillsborough, CA. Final total for transportation alone -- $60,000. Utterly insane.

Enlist the help of the staff to ensure Mom is getting enough to do to occupy herself and her mind. She needs help settling in at her place rather than switching locations.
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She should stay where she is. Sorry, but if she qualifies for memory care, she really doesn't get much of a vote as to where she should live.

When it's time for my mom to move out of my house and go into a facility of some sort, I have wondered if she will say she wants to move back to her hometown. It won't be anything like I think she will be expecting it to be. All her friends are older now too and busy and or failing. Well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Good luck.
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Stumbledore Nov 2021
Thanks for the response. Yes, we have a similar situation, even the couple of years since my Mom has moved from Oregon her social group has changed with one passing away and others off in their own senior living places.
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She will decline as time goes on. It is really no longer what she wants, but what she needs. Since you and sisters are the caregivers, things need to be convenient for you. I believe if I am doing the caregiving then things are done mainly to make things easier for me.

Most people suffering from a Dementia want to go home. Thats what is familiar. Sometimes its not even the last house they lived in. It can be a childhood home.
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Stumbledore Nov 2021
Good points. Thanks for the response. I felt it was important to at least look at options rather than saying right out the gate "No". But I'm just starting to wonder if it's not worth it and whether a more frank conversation is going to be in order to say that we think overall where she is, is the best option.
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