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My 94 year old mother-in-law has been living with us for over 3 years. She is not physically able to care for her self. She needs to use a walker to make every step by doctor’s order. She still doesn’t abide by this advice and fell in the kitchen. Luckily nothing was broken but was badly bruised. Her memory is bad. She can’t remember what she had for dinner yesterday. She can’t answer questions about current events even though she watches the news constantly.


Over the last 3 years I have become concerned about my wife’s first cousin and her interest in having MIL come “visit” with her for a while. We have told her this wasn’t a good idea because of her physical condition, medication regime, mental condition and many other other reasons. Instead she talks to her on the phone and continues to encourage her to come live with her. She lives half way across the USA from us and if this were to happen, it would likely be the last time my wife would see her alive.


My question is, “Should we have an attorney send her a cease and desist letter telling her to stop all communication with her?”

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Had problems with a first cousin who wanted to “care” for my mother. She actually wanted access to my mother’s money. She then aggravated me for money.

I had both a restraining order and a cease and desist order. Final straw for me was her constantly calling my sons and husband for them to make me “give” her money. I went to her house told her to quit asking. She started whining about how she was poor, etc. I slapped the crap out of her. I haven’t heard from her in three years. Not my finest moment but I haven’t been bothered since.
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JoAnn29 Oct 2021
🤣 Sorry, I just couldn't resist.
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The way you describe your mother, I do not believe she would be considered competent to make her own decisions. If you do not have her medical and financial POAs, you need to get them ASAP or you need to get a letter from her doctor stating she is incapacitated and file for guardianship. That way you or your wife control where your MIL lives and her cousin could not pick up and move her.

You do not mention how old the cousin is but I assume she is at least 60-70 based on your MIL's age. It's possible she is experiencing some mental decline herself and keeps asking about MIL visiting from some conversation loop she has gotten into from prior years. It's also possible she has a "view" of MIL from the last time they saw each other, thinks MIL sounds fine on the phone, and you must be overstating MIL's problems. If any of these are possibilities, I do not think a letter from an attorney would make any difference or that she is a real threat to move MIL.

The only way to be safe is to have in hand an activated POA or guardianship. As long as your MIL is legally competent, she can leave with anyone she wants to, although I would think transporting someone in MIL's condition "half way across the USA" would be a daunting prospect.
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Your wife needs to have a talk with first cousin. Explaining to her that there is no way that her 94 yr old mother will be making a trip to her house. That Mom is not mobile enough to get thru an airport let alone security. And ur wife really has no inclination to accompany Mom. Can cousin imagine toileting her on a plane and submitting passengers to any accidents that may occur. That she is showing signs of mental decline besides her physical decline. That she needs to STOP suggesting this to Mom. It only makes her job caring for Mom harder. If cousin wants to visit Mom at your home, thats Ok, there's a nice hotel up the road she can stay.

If dear cousin can't do this for your wife, then tell her you will block her calls.
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I agree that this cousin most likely is completely clueless as to your MIL's actual mental and physical condition. If I were in your shoes (and had PoA or guardianship for MIL) I would politely explain to your cousin -- in an email or written document -- why your MIL's doctor says no travel recommended for her but that she (cousin) is most welcomed to come for a brief visit. She either puts up or shuts up if she has all her own marbles. Otherwise maybe she does have her own cognitive issues going on. If this is the case, just let her call and provide a distraction for your MIL. Cousin has no power if you/spouse are her PoA, so nothing to worry about. She's annoying, but so what? Spend your emotional energy on other worthwhile things.
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No, don't send a cease and desist letter. Join in and let your MIL enjoy the nice idea of going on a visit to her niece. Next summer. Or the summer after. When she's better, and able to travel comfortably. Whenever.

Nothing has happened in three years, it isn't going to now, and in any case oh my goodness wouldn't your wife's cousin get a shock if your wife were to call her bluff. But none of that stops it being a nice *idea* - and therefore a cheerful topic of conversation. I should make the most of it.
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cwillie Oct 2021
LOL
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I've never done it and have no interest in it, but I'm wondering if your wife and the cousin could "facetime"?    It might serve more than a few purposes:  interaction, seeing how delicate your MIL is, and bring out the cousin's real motives.

I don't think a cease and desist letter is appropriate at this time, and the cousin may not completely understand your MIL's situation.  It's been my experience that only those with "boots on the ground" in a caregiving situation or having gone through a similarly intense experience can understand the intricacies of aging, as well as how much limitation can vary person by person.

As to using a walker, do you think a rollator would serve her better?  It's 4 wheeled, has adjustable handles, and spreads the weight reliance across 4 legs as opposed to a walker's 2 legs.  My father switched to a rollator after a few falls with his walker.   He preferred it to the walker.
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Gamojo Oct 2021
Yes on the roller at or. She has one. We moved here from the Houston area one year ago. We had moved MIL in with us 3 years ago. As soon as we moved her in, the cousin started with the come stay with us talk. She was asked to stop and she hasn’t. She has FaceTimed with her and she has been shown our home and my mother-in-law ’s private suite with her own full bathroom and walk-in closet.
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The cousin is 80 years old.
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As far as POAs. My wife has all of that.
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