Should we encourage my mother to move with us to another state?

I moved my mother cross country to live with me. Honestly, I don’t think the loss of her friends, etc, would have gone well at all except she has dementia, so doesn’t remember that much about her life, or she remembers it like it’s a story she heard. However, I moved her because it was just TOO HARD to be so far from her as she had one crisis after another. One compromise might be to not ask her to move now, but to get her on the waiting list of a good AL near your new home? Good luck

What solution do you seek if mother doesn't want to move? Should you stay where you are so you'll be 2 hours away from her, which is not so close by in case of a real emergency, in reality? Or should you move on with your life and hop a plane if mom has an emergency? If that happens and she winds up needing real care, then she can move close by to where you're living and move into managed care.

We can't and shouldn't live life by the "what if's" but one day at a time and handle situations as they arise. If mother WANTS to move, that's another story.
PS
From your profile
I am caring for my mother with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, heart disease, incontinence, and mobility problems.

Based on all of your mother's health issues, I change my answer to......see if you can get her to move into AL nearby to where you move. She's got entirely too many health issues to be living alone anywhere, imo, and needs to be where caregivers and nurses are there 24/7.

My mother lives in AL, she is too old to live alone, age 99, she loves it, activities, dining room, nurse on site, new friends, bus trips an more.

Me, I would check into AL near you, an if I moved her that might be an option.

Soon she will be unable to live alone.

I think moving her to an AL place near your new home would be ideal.

I moved my parents near me almost 2 years ago when my dad’s dementia was really getting too much and my mom could no longer cope on her own with him. I won’t lie, it’s very hard some days. But I would be tearing my hair out if they were still 800 miles away.

She would not consider AL and even now, he is in home hospice because she will not consider MC for him. when he goes, it will only be a matter of time before she needs more help than I can give.

Thank you for your insight, BayPoodle. I do think it will be extremely hard to be 12 hours away from her, since I see her every 1-2 weeks right now and would not be able to do that if we live so far away. I think I will present her with options and see what she chooses initially. She will probably choose to stay put at first but maybe be willing to move after a few months. We'll see.

The trouble with Living far away is when the crisis begins - ER Visits, Falls , etc. you have to hop a flight or drive and stay in a hotel . It gets very expensive .

I live three states from my daughter, am 81. I encourage this move for you. I often think the best place to live when you have aging parents is at least 1,000 miles away. Go, and enjoy this most free time of your lives, when you can enjoy your life with your children raised.

If your mother would like to move nearby to a nice small apartment, and that's what you would like also, that's great. But I would make it clear that the next move would be to assisted living where you could visit, perhaps go on outings and take her to appointments here and there, have the great grands visit. Such a choice would be up to her.

This encourages your mom to continue to live an independent life. And not to become dependent on you--but rather to know when she should join an independent living community.

Should you encourage your mother to move with you? NO!!!
Should you let her move in with you if you decide to encourage her to move with you? NO!!!

If and when the time comes when your mother requires more help and agrees to leave her friends and the life she knows, she can move to an assisted living facility near you or in the city where she's at now.
Your mother has lived her life the way she's wanted, so now it's time for you to do the same.

It depends. If there are no other family living in that state, then yes, but not move in with you. NO.
My dad moved out of state to be closer to my brother. It's what my brother wanted. However, when dad moved near him and he grew more ill, my brother didn't want to be bothered and they all resented me for staying in the same state. I wasn't coming down enough or staying long enough. No one understood that I worked and it got expensive.
Chapter II, my aunt moved to another state to be closer to her brother and his children after my mom passed. Again, the niece asked her to move to be closer to her and family. Aunt grew more ill, and again, they do not have time and want me to give up my life to be closer to aunt. Meanwhile, they all requested these moves, but realized it was more than they could handle and all the sudden the one who "seems" free and independent and luves far becomes the natural caregiver.
I say be careful what you ask for and know what you want so that you don't become resentful and bitter and upset with someone else who isn't closer when that loved one gets more dependent for help. Think about it.

I would either have Mom move to an AL where she is or one near to where ur moving but not live with me.

You need to enjoy your grandchildren while they are small and you get that "bond". I have 2, 19 yrs apart. I took care of the oldest for 3 yrs while Mom finished school and then nursing school. At 3 he went to daycare but we had him when she worked. The second one I took care from 2 to 20 months. At that point my Mom, suffering from Dementia, came to live with us. I could not care for her and a 20 month old, too. So he was placed in Daycare. After 20 months of living with me I was able to place Mom. I took my then 3yr old grandson to visit her. She and the residents loved seeing him. I didn't have the youngest as much as I had the oldest because there is a Dad involved. My daughter lives 4 doors down. He comes to visit, looking for snacks, and even though we don't see him much, there is that bond.

My MIL chose to move 16 hrs away when her only grandchild living near her was 4. Who she really only saw when we took her over. We visited every couple of years when my girls were young. After my FIL died she would visit maybe 1x a year. Then complain that her granddaughter did not make over her. Well lady, she does not know you.

So, this is your time. Mom should not be the center of your world.

If your asking then I'd say you are not sure, if your not 100 percent sure don't move her with you, it will be difficult and its not ever something that will get easier.

If it was me I just couldn't move from my mom. But that's just me. There is no wrong , no right, there is only what's right for you.

First of all , you and your husband should move and live where you want to live. Who knows how long Mom will live while you wait . Do not put your life on hold .

I moved to another state when my husband’s job ( the company ) moved him . My parents followed because my mother’s plan was for me to take care of them . She was unhappy in her new surroundings and blamed my husband . It was horrible. So NO , do not encourage your mother to move . You can tell her you are moving and invite her to live in an apartment near you followed by assisted living if / when she is ready . But do not forcefully encourage it . Leave it up to her for now if she’s making do on her own . Since it’s 12 hours away , when Mom needs help , then I would encourage she move to AL near you.

We are not moving my MIL near us , she will stay 4 hours away when she needs assisted living . She would not want to move away . I know that even suggesting it would be a mistake . I have an AL picked out already .

I lived 1000 miles away for almost 20 years. it worked great. Until it didn't. A series of medical crises ensued. I flew back and forth every month. Then, I hired a 12 hr a week helper, with their money. It worked for a year or so. Then father had a major stroke at 92. It was exhausting to keep flying back and forth. I have a full time job and life. I decided to move back to my home state near them to manage everything. It is all consuming and overwhelming. It was a mistake in retrospect. We have a caregiver team that is excellent, but extremely hard won and extremely expensive. I wish Every day to go back to my life 1000 miles away. Away from this. Maybe the elders would have been worse off, with placement, but I would have been better off, with the distance. It likely would have forced different choices, I don't know. I made the decision to come on the scene and manage things. I may be bowing out soon and we will see where that leads. If they were in their 80's, I would have make different decisions. If I had it to do over, I would have stayed 1000 miles away and let the chips fall. Hind site is 20/20. Mine are in their 90's. I thought this would be short term. One would think time is limited, but you never know until its over.

‘Two hours away’ means four hours of driving, which is effectively a full day trip. My DH did that every four weeks for his mother, plus a full hour phone call at lunch time every two days and a quick check up phone call in between. Another brother and SIL who were closer also visited on the alternate weekends, the third brother just occasionally. It was a particularly good NH, and everyone was OK with that. But it wasn’t easy, and took a lot of time for over 5 years.

If your mother’s reluctance to move with you is ‘friends and activities’, remember that both will drop down progressively. ‘Friends’ of the same age get old themselves, stop coming and in fact some of them will die. After a while, my MIL had a 'friend' visit not much more than once a year. 'Activities’ often require transport which gets hard too. If M’s reluctance is about staying in her house, remember that will also get more difficult without a lot of input (whether paid or unpaid), requiring a fair bit of organisation. If there are younger family who would provide all that input, it might work out OK, but without that sort of help, your mother will not cope well on her own.

M’s ‘reluctance’ puts pressure on you to keep things just the way they are, which is the way she likes it. Except that ‘the way they are’ is not going to last too long anyway.

My suggestion is to do what you want to do. Make the offer to M, but don’t stress if she turns it down. If you force it, no-one will be happy. Wait until she has experience of living without your support, and then offer again. You may find that her reluctance has disappeared. The more you give in to what she wants, the longer it will take for her to realise that she is better off not trying to call all the shots.

Two and a half years ago my husband and I were getting close to retirement and wanted to move out of state to be closer to our grandson. At the time my husbands parents lived about 15 minutes away. We always kept an eye on them and helped out when needed. When we told them we wanted to move they were devastated. His father asked us not to move. We wanted to move and thought the only way this was going to happen is if we brought them with us. So now we all live in a big house together. They are now 93 years old. For me this has been a huge mistake. They have taken over our house. I am having a really hard time. I miss my life with my husband.

Keep in mind about the possibility of your children accepting a job offer and move further away from where they are now. No, you can't plan for all the pitfalls that may come but as some have said, if it were me I would offer the different options for your mother to make her decision regarding moving with you or staying put. If she is not in a facility already, I would suggest doing your homework on both ends before you move so whatever decision the family makes you are prepared with a place in mind whether she stays or moves with you. It will be a lot easier to help her move later if necessary no matter what state she chooses to live.

No one's gonna like my answer. I am an only child everything is up to me. I went to college 4 hrs away. Then I missed my friends and moved back to the same area as my college friends for another 3 years. When I married and settlesd, however, it was understood that I needed to be back home so I could help when the chips were down. I had older parents, and my dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
So, we lived one freeway exit away. When our son was about 6, my in-laws moved 2000 miles to be here too. (We are in CA.)
In 2012 my dad passed, and I helped my mom for 2 years through that. My mom sunk into deep depression and became very apathetic about everything, but she hid how bad it was, until a year ago. (The pandemic did not help, either.) She is of the old thinking and does not believe in mental health treatment. Your FAMILY is there to get you through! Well, I'm a nurse, but not a mental health person, and when her dementia got so bad she was neglecting herself and her house, I put her in MC last Oct. She is down the street from my house. I would not have it any other way. Trying to care for someone long distance is futile, as you sometimes don't see everything when you're right there either! When her TV "quit working" we realized she had stopped paying her bills. When she fell and broke her arm and I went over every single day for 7 hrs, I realized sometimes she didn't know who I was.
I hated the idea of coming back to this small town when I was young, but it was necessary. But I have a very supportive husband and good son, and I think we would be happy wherever we wound up together. Our time will eventually come when my husband retires in a few years. We take out moments when we can in the meantime. You have to bloom where you're planted. Life is never easy, but it will be infinitely worse if you are far away when things get tough.
My son went to school down in the L.A. area, and he found out he didn't care for the big city. It's great to visit, but living there is harder, so he was happy to move back.
We have a lot of virtual communication choices to use to keep in touch with people far away now. You don't necessarily have to MOVE to be in people's life anymore. But you need to be near the ones you have to physically care for.

Seekingsolution: The advice should include residence for your mother in an assisted living facility nearby your proposed move. Then you, her grandchildren and her great grandchildren can visit often.

Make the move that is good for you. Ask your mother to move closer to your new home. The bonus is that your mom will have opportunities to see her grandchildren and great grandchildren. Those who need care need to move near those who can help them.